Best Salesman Poems
“Hello, hello Good Morning!” The salesman says, (though it’s actually late
afternoon.)
(We can’t have them rushing off,) he thinks, (when I have cars to move!)
“See this little beauty…” (The side I’m leaning on anyway!)
“I’ve so many interested buyers, I’m sure, this car will sell today!”
The salesman sizes up the couple who clearly like the car.
“Zero to sixty in nothing flat!” (Though you may not get that far!)
“Previous owner? Took fine care.” (To wreck the interior in the rear!)
“Runs so smooth, purrs like a cat.” (But sticks when changing gears.)
The well learned smile, the soothing voice, the salesman sees his chance.
“Let’s step inside, we’ll work it out, my dears you can always finance!”
(The hidden costs, no don’t mind those, just the way it’s done.)
“Sure come on in, have a seat, this is when it becomes fun!”
As usual the costs are more than they think they can afford.
(Of course if we didn’t start out doubled, we salesmen would get bored!)
“Now look here it’s just a bit more, I know just how you feel.
With a car like this, I’m the one who loses. Believe me this is a great deal!”
(Yes indeed I lose this bucket of bolts I’ve had to push.
Never mind the oil leak, or the tires have turned to moosh.)
“Well… because you seem so nice I’ll take this much off too.”
(There they are the happy smiles, too bad the jokes on you!)
The salesman he waves goodbye as the car drives off the lot.
Another couple, a little wide eyed, sees the new car in its spot.
“Hello, hello! Good afternoon!”(Sunset reflecting off of the wheel.)
“I’ve another buyer for this one but… you look nice, let’s make a deal!”
Christmas comes just once a year
And that should be a blessing,
It’s not the birth of Christ I fear,
It’s the shopping that’s so depressing.
They now fire off starting guns,
To start the spending is their goal.
But the news stories that the TV runs,
Report the shopping day’s death toll.
It seems the shoppers who wait up front
In these times of greed,
In order to get the gifts they want
Are willing to make you bleed.
So say a prayer and get out of the way
For it’s civility that we clearly lack,
We used to call this “Shopper’s Friday,”
But you see now why it’s called black.
Shiny suited man growling on cell phones
Selling BMWs to tidy his life
Salesman pleads in begging tones...
“Full Coverage” the shiny man moans
“On Sale” says the customer’s wife
To reveal gray and black BMW clones
The salesman barks with hasty tones
“Our insurance will save your life”
Policemen pardon when it is known
But the cost is in the Twilight Zone
digging into your pocket like a knife
Is the status worth your shaking bones
Salesman clamors til it is known
“Power brakes” to save your life.
The Silver suited man already owns
Your soul and all its weary moans
Reeling from a large cash price
BMW and sophisticated clones
Weeping ulcers will soon be known
6/15/2015
I spill my heart,
I spill my guts,
And you may ask,
Why all this fuss?
Owners Selling Dogs,
Owners Selling Guns,
Oh there is more,
And it's been great fun.
Day after day, month after month,
Countless are the hours I spend,
To create this behemoth,
Seemingly to no end.
Owners Selling Cars,
Owners Selling Trucks,
Oh there is so much more,
But I'm having no luck.
So to you I turn,
To seek your advice,
Do I have more to learn,
Or will this suffice?
Owners Selling Motorcycles,
Owners Selling Motorhomes,
But one thing I just wish is,
I didn't have to do this on my own.
No brokers, no dealers,
No agents or salesmen,
You'd think that clients,
Would now be rushing in.
Owners Selling Businesses,
Owners Selling Real Estate,
Look and you will find,
The greatest I could create.
So if you have the time,
To surf the net some,
Check out my sites,
And just add dot com
Owners Selling Boats,
Owners Selling Land,
Please just take a look,
P.S. I'm the salesman.
Hello madam, and welcome to our place of business.
Is there any way that I can be of assistance?
We have a huge selection of cars both used and new.
Chances are we have the right one on the lot for you.
We sell and service cars from the best automaker.
One with a long and storied past, it’s Studebaker!
If you don’t readily see what you are looking for,
we have some in the back lot; or we can order more.
You’ve heard all about the financial difficulty
that’s been plaguing this automotive company.
Let me tell you, in this year of nineteen sixty-three,
you will never buy a car of greater quality.
Don’t you just love the smell of brand new upholstery?
With the range of our models, we have variety.
“Gran Turismo Hawk” is top of the line luxury.
We have the low-priced “Lark” if you want economy.
But take a look at the company’s latest entry,
it’s a sporty new coupe that is known as “Avanti”.
This innovative family sports car is so great.
It has a powerful two eighty-nine cubes V-8!
It can generate almost three hundred horsepower
with the optional latest Paxton supercharger.
It can move at one hundred fifty miles an hour!
Its body is made of lightweight rustproof fiberglass.
It’s the sportiest vehicle that has the most class!
Madam, I’ll tell you, this is the one you’ll love, no doubt.
We saw you walk in, and we want to see you drive out!
Our prices are lowest. They won’t be staying that way.
Why wait? We can make you a terrific deal today.
When you drive up to your friends, you know what they will say?
“Wow, what a beautiful car, I’m getting one today!”
On a Good Friday at 3PM
He was called into the office by
Pontius Pilate and told that he would be put to death.
He had waited for the execution and worked the full week after being
warned that he would be fired if his production and sales were not
up to snuff.
He was hired with four other wise men and women to
turn an upstart company around and save it from the greedy bankers.
He had hope in his heart because he left employment with another and thought it
would be fruitful on the other side.
Pontius Pilate had wooed him with big money and promised him the stars.
Just about everyone loved their products and it would be an easy sale like
children pitching low-hanging fruit from a tree.
But after one month Pontius Pilate changed her course and said that the
Honeymoon was over. One among their ranks had told him that he was their hero
and would emulate him and dress like him. But he knew that this female Judas
would betray him when he dreamed that she would fall from his favor.
Judas was from the professional teaching world and she said that she was in adequate working in sales. She would call sales meeting to learn their motives and work late and holidays in the office while bending the ear of Pontius Pilate.
Pontius Pilate believed everything said to her because Judas was producing sales
but stealing fruit from the others. This did not matter to Pontius Pilate as her
golden calf and state of affairs was being threatened by the Jesus lovers.
On the advice of Judas- Pontius Pilate set her plans into motion and publicly
falsely accused the three wise men
of being bad sales people and spoke of
their elimination. They were accused three times on three separate days before
3 PM.
Like strange fruit he was called into the office by Pontius Pilate and her political
advisor Menenius and duly told that this is not personal but he must die. The one
sacrificed did not have much to say but thanked them for the opportunity and
that he will rise up in three days.
"I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die.
Al pushed to sale the most cars on the lot
He came up short, he gave it his best shot
Went to a online sales school
Paid much, he felt like a fool
The class was useless and it was for naught
So he studied some tapes of car salesmen
One guy stood out and his name was big Glen
Big Glen was very good
Al thought,” He could, I could
The next day poor Al came up short again
He left that car lot and he didn’t look back
Did not want his boss to give him the sack
Took out all his savings
Gave in to the cravings
Bought car lot up the road with his friend Mack
02/28/2022
Inspired By The Tall Tale
Contest
The four walls of this hotel room
Look the same as the four walls of the other
The name of the city where you happen to be
Is just another detail in which you smoother
The life of the traveler sounds glamorous
To those we leave at home
But there is no glamour lying awake all night
In a double-bed all alone
It’s the same sad faces in the hotel bar
Spending per-diems on a meal of booze
Business suits searching for the next prospect
Submitting bids they’re apt to loose
Your wife takes care of things at home
Thinking you’re out having a good time
While you wonder if at her bedroom door
The neighbor men are forming a line
Lunches consumed in airport terminals
Rental cars of all shapes and size
There is nothing fun about the people you meet
In the not-so-friendly skies
Yet bills must be paid
And your bread is buttered on the road
But don’t believe that this life is grand
Regardless of the lies the traveler has told
He died young
after making multiple phone calls
Sometimes he had to beg
the professionals he called
However, his totals were high enough
so thsy didn't fire him
I, too made plenty of phone calls
Banging my brains out
for sales
A couple of us bot in touch
with the union
The union people laughed
when we said
We were working for
a business publisher
and wanted to unionize
He's dead now
His life was marijuana smoke
and telephone calls
There was one guy there
who wrote newspaper articles
Should have written
about the death of a telephone salesman
Step right up! Settle right in!
For I’ve a tale for you I’ll spin.
Step right up enjoy the show,
I’ll tell you things you already know.
The beauty of it is I make it sound new.
This magical tale I’ll spin for you.
I’m a North American Shaman,
A Shakespearean sage,
A snake oil salesman,
Post latency age.
My goal is simple as you’ll soon see,
To slip from your grasp quick as can be.
Cause I’m slick as owl spit on plate glass,
as I talk I’ll pull facts from the cleft of my sass.
By the time you realize what it is that I’ve said,
I’ll be gone to the next show, cause you are brain dead.
Listen to my story, familiar, I’m sure,
Listen to it, yes, I’m afraid, insecure.
With all that is, the masked thief,
If you listen, it is the whisper deep in the trees,
The gossiping dust devil spinning around town,
Just listen. You’ll recognize its sounds.
What is the truth? How should I know?
Truth, a tidal wave? Tsunami? No, a tornado.
Truth, dusty, clogging your throat,
Truth, like a tree full of billy goats.
Whipping up trailer parks, redepositing old cars,
Your use of truth sure varies from who you are.
Why are you here, really, why?
For the murder of crows, or for my lullabies?
Dancing, with your fancy, tippy-toe moves,
Dancing, dancing, needing even more shoes,
Dancing, dodging, flogging our love’s rhyme,
You dance to avoid it every, damned time.
Is it that you just must always have your rainbow in a pipe?
Taking what you can without making it right?
Cravings, grab my throat, go ahead and squeeze,
Craving you and the heady, wet way you tease,
Turn me on and you’ll discover just how blind,
A woman in love can present, every time.
Fine.
Either you love me, standing there all dressed out,
Preferably in little league get-up, ready to pout,
Preferable to the alternative, in a salesman’s suit,
Polyester, with winged tips, briefcase to boot,
Preferring I buy your crackpot potion, polished and slick,
Knowing I’ll do anything for that Unicorn, long and thick.
This world, spinning round and round,
Has a way of throwing things down,
The pure at heart float like cream to the top,
While the sludge settles to the bottom of the pot.
And as another night closes, you out in left field,
I hope your heart’s true beat is someday revealed.
once a slick salesman from nice
soaked his suits in tubs of grease
so he slid through town
with nary a frown
till someone called the police.
Door to door, floor to floor,
walking, knocking, talking.
They have the most, least, best,
fastest, strongest, ever to pass the test.
Any or all to be had for a price- - -!
They are nice but never stop talking.
They can’t make a sale by walking.
Knuckles are sore from knocking.
They constantly practice the hawking.
Sales are a ratio of presentation,
so they give it without hesitation.
The goal is to sell total population.
Talk fast, close hard, get paid, don’t rile,
leave a card, and smile, smile, smile.
Some say presentation is everything and more
That’s certainly important if selling is your game
I learned that while managing a piano store.
Sponsoring concerts with musicians of fame,
Selling the idea that a buyer can learn how to play
That’s certainly important if selling is your game.
We demonstrated easy piano tunes every day
Teaching buyers simple tunes anyone can learn
Selling the idea that a buyer can learn how to play.
And it is true, anyone can memorize a pattern,
Playing an uncomplicated melody with satisfaction
Teaching buyers simple tunes anyone can learn.
To say anyone can play well merits a retraction
For only the truly gifted can learn to play well
Playing an uncomplicated melody with satisfaction.
Playing a few simple ditties is certainly swell
Some say presentation is everything and more
For only the truly gifted can learn to play well
I learned that while managing a piano store.
Written August 5, 2022
Phone call after phone call
Sometimes begging for a sale
The man simply could not stay away from drugs
Gone now to the other side
After enjoying many`` highs
I continued to work there
Made plenty of sales
But eventually quit
Once a couple of us tried to unionize the place
We didn't do it
Death of a telephone salesman
Happens all too soon
In the field of telemarketing
Often too soon