Best On The House Poems
News Flash! Dragons Back! He’s the News Hog of the Day.
No one can print, without him, becoming entangled in some way.
He heard that there’s a new newspaper lurking, around the bend.
He wants to know… if he can pose as the new Super Hero, therein?
He’s already has a cape, and cell phone, so those in trouble, can call.
But beware, of his landings, he’s known to knock things down, even walls.
Still he gives a striking pose for the paparazzi, who always following him.
He’s been made a junior fireman, because fire simply, doesn’t bother him.
He saved a cat form Old Lady Moores’ burning barn, just the other day.
Don’t believe the rumor, it started from a stray spark, one of his, they say.
Remember don’t say that, it makes our little Dragon cry…it was the wind!
Our Carpenter Trolls are building a new one; to replace the one, he did singe!
Acorn Falls is our town; Dragon seems to have put it on the map, to stay.
Folks in town are wanting a name change, to Dragon’s Mayhem Falls, today!
If you want an exciting vacation, let me know, I’ll tell you where, it’s at!
Here are the numbers to call, to contact us, and we even rent hard hats.
The carpenter Troll’s are 1-800-555- Repair & Fix
The town number has become 1-800-555- Mayhem Falls
My number for a joyous write is 1-800-555- let it rip
To Rent a Super Hero Dragon is 1-800-555-Dragon Here
Just remember that if you call Dragon, Please keep the other numbers on hand.
There’s a free coupon given, for first time services, if things don't go as planned.
And remember, if repairs are needed, a free barbecue, can be on the house.
Especially, if that’s what’s burning, so be prepared, eventually it'll be, put out!
Written 10-18-2014
Dear Poets,
I know for certain that I can never thank all of you enough for the supportive comments and messages you've written over the last 16 days. Each one represented a 'Get Out of Jail" card, letting me know your thoughts were with me.
With admiration and affection, please know that I respect each of you who took the time to write poems and/or inquire about me with kind sentiments. I could not read them in my own soup mail, but I did learn about your encouraging words through the kindness of friends that you contacted. I will do my best to catch up on reading and replying to all comments left for me but beg your patience in my doing so.
I was able to read all of your beautiful poems written to honor Milt. I can tell that he was respected and loved in the community. How could he not be, considering the fine qualities he had and instilled in many of us? He was my mentor, urging me to start entering contests again, after I'd quit for many months. He wanted me to get past him on that ladder, and I made it to the 2nd rung from the top before we lost him. I don't think I'll continue entering, so Constance, because of your humility and talent, I hope you remain on top. Caren sent soup mail about how sad it is to watch his picture moving spaces down on the home page until it will disappear. He will be gone from view, but not from our thoughts.
Tom, your news of Milton Creek would have made him very happy. You've honored him in such a special way by renaming our town. Thank you for being my voice on the site when I could not speak for myself.
With sincere thanks to all of you who I fondly call my poetic friends... it's long past time for me to write. Jenna's Saloon in Milton Creek is open for business. First round is on the house!
PS: Sheriff, it's time I get my Winchester back.
Santa, weighed four hundred lbs at his yearly check up.
"The Kids bribe me Dr, with Burgers, fries and ketchup."
Dr said, " That's a lame excuse,
your eating habits, you abused!"
"Doc, the reindeer are mad, I'm too fat, and they can't take off!"
Why don't you see Santa in the Hospital, because he has private elf care?
Why was Santa's little helper so sad, because he had low elf esteem?
How much did Santa's sleigh cost, it was on the house?
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride, A Holly Davidson?
What do you call a kid that doesn't believe in Santa, a rebel without a Claus?
How can you sense Santa is real, you can always sense his presents?
Why is Santa afraid of Chimney's, cause he is Claus-trophobic?
What is Santa's favorite potato chips, Kringles?
What do Santa's elf's learn in school, the elf-abet?
Santa humor
credit Kelly O'Sullivan
Michael Tor Limerick
Hope you enjoyed,
Cheering you up for
The Holidays...
Who ever gave me
The Special Gift, I
want to thank you
from the bottom of
my heart, and I
hope and wish the
Good Lord returns
a Blessing back to
You. God bless you
know you are a
very Special Human
being. Again words
can't describe my
appreciation... for
the gift you have
given me...
Christmas Song parodies
Feliz Navidad
Police! Oh my god!
Police! Oh my god!
Police! Oh my god!
Put me in handcuffs because I rob.
I Wanna phone call this very instant!
I Wanna phone call this very instant!
I Wanna phone call this very instant!
I beg pardon with all my heart!
Away In A Manger
Away to Aruba I wish I could go
But I've used all of my PTO
I don't have the money to get over there
My account is empty, I'm paycheck impaired
Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Rocking in my old folks chair
Trying to recall my own name
Mr.Edwards takes a might fall
Trying to walk with a candy cane
You will get a hallucinating feeling when you hear
Voices saying your names Holly
Yet! I don't think my names Holly
Rocking in my old folks chair
That doesn't mean I'm done
Come visit me after my third or fourth nap
and we're sure to have some fun!
The Little Drummer Boy
I just finished Christmas treats
Tum tum tum tum tums
There's food I'm not supposed to eat
Tum tum tum tum tums
Digestion has been on the blink
Tum tum tum tum tums
Oops, afraid that one will stink
Tum tum tum tum tums
Tum tum tum tums
Tum tum tum tums
You know where that came from
Tum tum tum tum tums
From my bum. From my bum.
Up On the Housetop
Up on the house top he hears claws,
Scratching and roaring, oh my god!
Is it a panther or lioness?!
You've had too many, just confess!
Woah ho ho!! Over he goes!
Woah ho ho!! Right in the snow.
He's up on the housetop getting sick...
Ladders and alcohol don't mix!
Dirt road lined with walls of stone,
run right up to the small home,
rust red siding coming in view,
in my head it’s still cedar, blue.
Sugar maples line a big field,
in march syrup we will steal,
vast open space on a hill,
where once cows did eat their fill.
Ancient giants in the trees,
some with knots, sign of disease,
one split trunk, a lightning strike,
still alive, since before Ike.
Waving grass across the slope,
sometimes deer, but mostly no,
groudhogs search, wanting to eat,
hayed yearly, sold off for feed.
On the house, a massive deck,
a new one, the last one wrecked,
view to the north, in good sun,
sees distant Mount Washington.
Inside is the fireplace,
built way back in olden days,
massive field-stones found nearby,
shunt the black smoke to the sky.
A big table grandpa built,
difty years, we use it still,
kitchen that is way too small,
oven dominates it all.
All built back in the sixties,
grandpa sick of the city,
back when the land was still cheap,
when the tourists weren’t so deep.
Though I guess I’m one of them,
and so will be my children,
when I’m gone, their kids will roam
our ancestral vacation home.
For 47 years and 2 weeks
He was there by my side
Then the sad day came
When he up and died.
On my way home he was there
And as I turned onto the road to home
Garth Brooks began to sing "The River"
It's message was so profound.
Then at breakfasts some songs they'd play
Were messages to which I could relate
"Remember When," by Allen Jackson
And Garth Brook's song "The Dance"
Rascal Flats song "The Long Lonesome Road"
Could have been his life,
It's message I first misread
Until I opened up my eyes.
With "If Tomorrow Never Comes,"
Garth Brooks breaks my heart
But with his song "Sometimes Other Than The Night"
The message was quite strong.
And then there were times I'd go to town
Where usually business was involved
One of these special songs would play
To let me know he was along.
I'd even turn from station to station
To keep the signal clear
And yes, You are right my friends
One of these special songs would be there.
Yesterday it was "The Dance"
Today I learned the news
The bank had presented the papers on the house
So they could be approved.
Today I learned it had been approved
And Our things we'll once more share
We'll look from our window
And see the buffalo there.
I sometimes wonder if there is a message
In a song Leanne Womack sings
It happens following stressful times
And it's called "I Hope You Dance."
OUR HOME ON THE RANGE, will be just that
For now till the end of time
And I'll continue to read my books
Sharing the life the cowboys had
When the west was free and wild.
This morning when I was getting up I turned on the radio and Garth Brooks had just started singing "THE DANCE".
How many Guinea Pigs can you see?
Is it one, or two, or maybe three?
There's Honey and Sweetie, and Old Master Monty,
He ogles the girls 'till his eyes go quite wonky.
As to which one's the best, we just can't agree
'Cos they all belong to my sister and me
They live out of doors in a house made by Dad,
It's lovely and posh, the best they could have
A bit like on holiday when your' van's been delayed
They shout, "on the house", A PLATINUM UPGRADE.
For having to wait, It's totally free
We're both very grateful, my sister and me.
We all love those Guinea Pigs, of that there's no doubt,
But when it comes to cleaning them out
We both try pretending it's the other one's turn
We go for the wind up but we both need to learn
That nothing worth having ever comes easily,
And one day we'll get there, my sister and me.
How long do you think there'll be only three?
Suppose they gave babies, like a real family.
There'll be hundreds of Poohs and thousands of wee's
I hope they don't do it on the brand new settee
Old Master Monty will be as proud as can be
As he blinks a sly wink at my sister and me.
An Irishman with a syndrome
Climbed onto my roof like a gnome
Said I with a stare
What thou wants isn’t there
Drinks are not on the house in this home!
A brand new funeral home just opened,
Well that’s what my neighbour said,
He told me “We now have a brand new place,
Where we can take our dead.”
It’s in the building that used to be,
A pub for a hundred years,
It was the Old Royal Hotel down town,
Where we’d all raise our cheers,
But now its function’s completely changed,
Same clients, just a different need,
No longer does it enslave the souls,
Instead, it sets those souls to free,
The old pub is now a funeral home,
With closing time now at seven,
Final drinks are now spirits on the house,
Where closing time sends them to heaven.
A lush
A hot tomato
Full of bourbon
Holding up a bar stool
Cigarette between her fingers
Manicured nails meant to kill
And I’m on a bender
And hell bent
Smoky crushed velvet
James Bond would be so proud
A jazz quartet is swinging
To a heroin crowd
Sunglasses in the night
The brother is so cool
A nicotine queen
Is filing in between
Bartender named Lloyd
Says my money’s no good
Drinks are on the house
They know I’ll pay in cocaine
When we slide on out the back
“What was that?” she says
“A double Jack straight up?”
No mixers for me
I’m drinking for the buzz
It takes a lot of booze to kill
The memories of you
And pretend I’m someone else.
Hey everyone!
So I'm not a Premium Member so I can't post a blog (otherwise I would). But I just wanted to say, I apologize for my year-long absence. I know that's kind of extreme, but please just know that life gets in the way sometimes; we get busy and get writer's block on occasion.
But to add to the drama, just today our landlord gave us three months notice on the house to move out, and move to a new place. This was unexpected for me, especially since I've lived in this house most of my life (15 years to be exact) ... so I don't know what's going to happen!! If you don't see me on the Soup for several days in a row this is probably why. I'll try to keep in touch as much as I can ... bad timing, I know, since I just recently came back!
(my family is seriously thinking about moving to Georgia ... I live in Idaho!!)
I hope that I can still pop in, read some work, and post a poem on occasion ... but it won't be as frequently as I have been doing, until we finally get settled in, and figure out what exactly we're doing.
Thanks for reading this, being tremendous friends, and writing stellar poetry. I appreciate you all.
P.S. This is not goodbye. I will not be leaving for a year like last time! In fact you will probably still see me pop up ... but I'm posting this up so that no one worries if I'm gone for several days in a row...
Peace!
The turkey is in the oven and the sink is steaming clean
the cat is on the bed while the dog is in just another room
there are two guests in the house with another on the way
and the phone is ringing nearly every fifteen minutes
One brother is playing with the dog while the other guest is
reading
Mother is on the phone and I am sitting at my desk praying
quietly
The squirrels are running through the wet leaves from tree to tree
while the cat is snoozing and the strays are absent for the day
The turkey has over three hours to bake and one pie has been
cut The other items are being made one by one while the table is
set the lights are up on the house waiting to be turned on and
the only birds are a clock
It's Thanksgiving and giving is good even when it happens to be
gratitude- Happy Thanksgiving to all "and to all a good" season!
The clock ticked at nine in the evening of July
When I lay on the bed in the silence of the night
Trying to fall asleep but something's bothering
A feeling interfered and started shivering
My eyes were almost closed when I heard a noise
Slowly getting louder; what a frightening voice?
It's knocking on my door like there's something wrong
Breathing stopped; heartbeats like never before
I paused in indecision while holding the door knob
From the window the wind blows; atmosphere's intense
As I opened the door, I almost killed a man
Uncle Mel is on the house; a blushed of surprise
He asked if Dad's around and seemed a need inside
I wondered that he looked liked exhausted and too tired
Yet, I answered him in an awkward style
Then he left me with a feeling of strange and fright
I went back on my bed feeling weird and crazy
I have just made a ghost; an illusion of fear
I let it out of me since nightmares are greedy
The more we think of terror, the more it eats our dream
The morning waved hello; everything's fine
I got off my bed to start the day right
Then I saw my Mom packing and dealing with some stuffs
She's crying and leaving to town
Questions I'd asked to know what's going on
At the tip of her tongue but to utter's arduos
I calmed her down and her story has begun
About an innocent man who died the night I got wild
It was an evening in July, nine on a dot
When the man got stabbed stopping a fight
Calling my dad's name; looking for help
Dead on the spot and found no aid
Goosebumps all over when I heard the news
It's Uncle Mel who passed away and visited my room
Never knew all the reasons behind the apparition
One thing's for sure, He's soul still calls
#Everything Holloween
Created: October 18, 2013
Up on the Housetop – Police Edition
A very touching version of Benjamin Hanby’s Up on the House Top.
A warm tribute to all dispatchers & police officers everywhere.
Up on the housetop the owner heard a big noise,
the reindeer were so loud that he lost his poise,
a man dressed white & red with a bag and all,
the alarmed resident then made a 911 call.
Ho-Ho-Ho, we got a hot call,
Ho-Ho-Ho we get to go Code-3 and all.
We call for back-up, we know it’s right,
So we can protect everyone this special night.
The man went down my chimney the caller did tell.
That caused us to do a double take as well,
he is putting out presents the caller remarked.
We’re still standing by while the K9 Barked
Ho-Ho-Ho, we got a hot call,
Ho-Ho-Ho we get to go Code-3 and all.
We call for back-up, we know it’s right,
So we can protect everyone this special night.
To set up a perimeter was the thing to do,
Prepare for the K9 and SAU.
He yelled here I am and stopped with a pause,
Walking out of the house was Santa Claus.
Ho-Ho-Ho, we got a hot call,
Ho-Ho-Ho we get to go Code-3 and all.
We call for back-up, we know it’s right,
So we can protect everyone this special night.
We calmed the caller, it’s ok he was told,
Santa still thought about giving him coal.
Santa thanked us for our job and our time,
and keeping the leash on our K9.
Ho-Ho-Ho, we got a hot call,
Ho-Ho-Ho we get to go Code-3 and all.
We call for back-up, we know it’s right,
So we can protect everyone this special night.
May you all have a safe and wonderful Christmas Holiday.
Ex-husband
He was a quiet man
his wife found him boring
she had many lovers and flaunted them
in front of him.
I think she waited for a passion that was not there.
Nevertheless, they had a child “his”
she was granted a divorce and kept the house.
There was a hefty mortgage on the house
she had failed to know this.
The bank, as the bank does take the house.
She lives in a trailer now.
As he does three trailers away.
He can hear her scolding voice.
That is the way it goes you never get rid of your first wife.