Best Lettuce Poems

A funeral is not the place when you find you need to laugh
Here is my true story about my little gaffe
I hope this poem does not offend
It is written in memory of a very special friend

My father’s friend had passed away
And to the church we...

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It’s half pasta ate won chilli winter’s knight sew we staid in cider
Eye maid sum doe four my bred
Aye got in a pickle with sum flower, but I donut carrot all 
Eye'd ewes plane knot self raisin flower
Witch meant my doe wood knot rise
My butter...

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Is that a ten pounds increase on that scale?
Couldn't be;  those scales...they are a liar
Well..face it have to go on the lettuce again
Lettuce not have dessert for they are behind me
Lettuce eat cucumbers, carrots, apples, peaches
Lettuce brush our teeth as soon as we eat
So...

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Lettuce, lettuce alone


                                         they both...

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The leaves weren’t wilted I see
A head of lettuce light green crispy
And I had checked finances to boot
I was confident I could cover the loot

The green grocer was standing tall
He had tracked down the lettuces all
But there had been a price 
Not raised once twice...

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 leaf lettuce plus red
washed through three cold water baths  ....
slug falls in sink  

To make matters worse, I just read an article on the internet where a person found a baby poisonous snake in a bag of lettuce that her son sent...

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she boils her eggs
anticipating salad
there is no lettuce...

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You bashful 
beautiful boy

Telling me I'm 
lovely 

Telling me I'm
kind

I love you 
and you are 
mine...

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I made a lot of money by selling lettuce that was Latin.
It gave people the munchies and was sure to fatten.
I grew and sold it and got top dollar for my weed.
I knew that it was illegal but I was consumed by greed.
But a man...

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I ate lettuce for a year 
Only lettuce
And drank water
Lost sixty-four pounds
I have gained it back and sixty pounds more

I was young then, more disciplined
Now I am old; no one notices old
I can be any size I want.
I could be nine hundred pounds.
No one would...

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The Lettuce Workers


Somewhere in California
a midnight one-eyed bus shoots

lettuce farm past lettuce farm
to abutment and a kiss. 
Now the morning papers cry 

15 sleeping Mexicans
glowed an hour or more.


Donal Mahoney...

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Don't need “devil's lettuce” I'm a devil on my own
Mr. D and I are buddies, we talk on the phone
Planning evil stuff
Holding him back is tough
But devils will be devil as history has shown...

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No one likes dead lettuce
It must be crisp and cool
And dousing wounds with vinegar
Is certainly not cruel!

For Vegans can not see
Why lettuce choose to be
On a different frequency
Than Donald Trump might be

A salad will pass away
Shivering with cold today
Disgusted Vegans will say,
"I never heard lettuce...

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put a cauliflower on the barb-b
let us roast it while it's still alive
put a burger on the barb-b
it was dead before it was fried
chomp on lettuce, no sound
of begging can you hear
but you just ate it, live me dear
all flora breaths for the world
but go...

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Crunch

Lettuce is sprouting
In my organic garden
Snails are in rapture...

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