Best Lettuce Poems
A funeral is not the place when you find you need to laugh
Here is my true story about my little gaffe
I hope this poem does not offend
It is written in memory of a very special friend
My father’s friend had passed away
And to the church we went that day
I was heavily pregnant and feeling glum
And awaiting the birth of my lovely son
The priest he came from a foreign land
His words we found hard to understand
When he said the words ‘let us pray’
I bowed my head and heard him say…….
‘Heavenly Farter’ (I cannot remember the rest)
For tears of laughter were falling onto my chest
The more I tried to stifle my laughter
The worse I became, it was a total disaster
I got a hanky to suppress the giggle
My shoulders up and down they did wriggle
Tears were flowing from my eyes
My husband looked at me with great surprise
He took me by the hand and we left the church
On the pretext I was so upset and needed a quiet place to perch
Outside the church my laughter freely flowed
My eyes were shiny and my cheeks they glowed
When my father finally came out
I told him of the priest’s error and at me he did not shout
He decided he better have a ‘quiet word’
Their conversation it was not overheard
On our next visit to the Catholic Church
Out of the building I hoped I would not have to lurch
I got ready to bow my head to pray
And then I heard the priest say ……
HEAVENLY FARZER! Oh thank the lord
My father’s words he had taken on board
Now when I hear the words ‘let us pray’
I cringe and remember that awful day
Jan Allison
7th February 2014
Contest The Poet III
sponsored by Gautami Phookan
~awarded 3rd place~
No one likes dead lettuce
It must be crisp and cool
And dousing wounds with vinegar
Is certainly not cruel!
For Vegans can not see
Why lettuce choose to be
On a different frequency
Than Donald Trump might be
A salad will pass away
Shivering with cold today
Disgusted Vegans will say,
"I never heard lettuce pray"
It’s half pasta ate won chilli winter’s knight sew we staid in cider
Eye maid sum doe four my bred
Aye got in a pickle with sum flower, but I donut carrot all
Eye'd ewes plane knot self raisin flower
Witch meant my doe wood knot rise
My butter half is always wanton moor meet
He should be grapeful eye feed him eggcellent meals
Men can bee sew shelfish!
I’ve had to prawn my chocolate coins to feed my honey
Eye got sum cheep wild bore it was reduced and knot deer, it costa won penne
He says he wood help me cook but there isn’t mushroom in the kitchen
He’s always beefing about and deserves a roasting for his waffle
Butt when he says aye look radishing and sofishticated
Aye have to curry on as eye love him berry much
He’s bean sew suite toddy, he’ll be after a pizza the action later…
He butternut squash me, Oreo he will be mincemeat!
Food fight Contest
Sponsored by Viv Wigley
02-12-17
put a cauliflower on the barb-b
let us roast it while it's still alive
put a burger on the barb-b
it was dead before it was fried
chomp on lettuce, no sound
of begging can you hear
but you just ate it, live me dear
all flora breaths for the world
but go on eat it alive or dead
to all vegans, I have to say
it's your bed your making
on it you could a long time lay
as omnivores, you could eat
both flora and fauna, together
if we want to live we have to feed
summer cooking my recipe
go on chuck a crayfish on the barbecue
roast some chestnuts, next years
new life, just remember we eat
to survive, come on summer cooking
let's rock n roll or a Viennese waltz
meat or veg or go crazy eat both
gee summer cooking ain't it fun
Summer Cooking Poetry Contest - Sponsored by Kim Rodrigues
06/27/18
Is that a ten pounds increase on that scale?
Couldn't be; those scales...they are a liar
Well..face it have to go on the lettuce again
Lettuce not have dessert for they are behind me
Lettuce eat cucumbers, carrots, apples, peaches
Lettuce brush our teeth as soon as we eat
So can't eat again because will have to brush again
Lettuce adjust the portion size whittle it down
Lettuce use one-quarter cup, one-half cup size
Lettuce be happy with little so won't have big middle
Lettuce remember he who indulges bulges
(Have not idea if this fits into anything)
Lettuce, lettuce alone
they both sang sad songs
to each other, about each other
that never meld, but it was all wrong
that a duet never had a chance together
there were high and low notes
that echoed from separate canyons
over the trail of lost goats
billowing souls crying for companions
words of soul's doom and gloom
displaced milk and cheese
lost were two budding blooms
pollinating in gardens breeze
time stretches aching hearts
as the two souls sat on mountains edges
billowing about being further apart
with neither soul looking over life's hedges
moon and stars laugh in their wake
as they sit idle all through the night
singing songs, echoing, of their heart ache
wasting a fleeting chance of a brighter light
a billy and a nanny fall into earth's loin
subsisting on lettuce, lettuce alone
connie pachecho
2/6/17
The leaves weren’t wilted I see
A head of lettuce light green crispy
And I had checked finances to boot
I was confident I could cover the loot
The green grocer was standing tall
He had tracked down the lettuces all
But there had been a price
Not raised once twice but thrice
Who would have thought last year
That lettuce would be bought with tears
And I wonder what the bank manager thinks
Having to mortgage for vegetables stinks!
© Paul Warren Poetry
Crunch
Lettuce is sprouting
In my organic garden
Snails are in rapture
leaf lettuce plus red
washed through three cold water baths ....
slug falls in sink
To make matters worse, I just read an article on the internet where a person found a baby poisonous snake in a bag of lettuce that her son sent to her from the store chain called "Aldi's". It was alive. I guess it was fresh lettuce but deadly. My lettuce was from our garden.
she boils her eggs
anticipating salad
there is no lettuce
You bashful
beautiful boy
Telling me I'm
lovely
Telling me I'm
kind
I love you
and you are
mine
I made a lot of money by selling lettuce that was Latin.
It gave people the munchies and was sure to fatten.
I grew and sold it and got top dollar for my weed.
I knew that it was illegal but I was consumed by greed.
But a man spotted my Latin lettuce and the fool called the cops.
Those stinking lousy pigs came and destroyed my entire crop.
Now I'm in rotting in prison and I'm hell bent on escape.
The prisoners have lust in their eyes, they're thinking about rape.
I don't like the looks that I'm being given by all of these men.
Don't ever sell Marijuana or you'll end up in the situation I'm in.
I ate lettuce for a year
Only lettuce
And drank water
Lost sixty-four pounds
I have gained it back and sixty pounds more
I was young then, more disciplined
Now I am old; no one notices old
I can be any size I want.
I could be nine hundred pounds.
No one would notice
So now I eat barbequed chicken,
refried beans, mashed potatoes,
beef and noodles, cheeseburgers,
pepperoni pizza, frozen spaghetti,
frozen lasagna,
For dessert I have coconut cake,
pumpkin pie with whipped cream,
triple chocolate cake with frosting,
cinnamon apple strudel, cherry cobbler
with vanilla ice cream, key lime pie,
or whatever else I want.
I cannot drink coffee unless I put in
three packets of sugars, a bit of
chocolate milk, and a packet of
sweetened hot cocoa.
These are foods I do not eat:
vegetables, fruits, or lettuce.
I cannot stand to even look at lettuce.
The Lettuce Workers
Somewhere in California
a midnight one-eyed bus shoots
lettuce farm past lettuce farm
to abutment and a kiss.
Now the morning papers cry
15 sleeping Mexicans
glowed an hour or more.
Donal Mahoney
Don't need “devil's lettuce” I'm a devil on my own
Mr. D and I are buddies, we talk on the phone
Planning evil stuff
Holding him back is tough
But devils will be devil as history has shown