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Lettuce Pray - or what not to do in church

A funeral is not the place when you find you need to laugh
Here is my true story about my little gaffe
I hope this poem does not offend
It is written in memory of a very special friend

My father’s friend had passed away
And to the church we went that day
I was heavily pregnant and feeling glum
And awaiting the birth of my lovely son

The priest he came from a foreign land
His words we found hard to understand
When he said the words ‘let us pray’
I bowed my head and heard him say…….

‘Heavenly Farter’ (I cannot remember the rest)
For tears of laughter were falling onto my chest
The more I tried to stifle my laughter
The worse I became, it was a total disaster

I got a hanky to suppress the giggle
My shoulders up and down they did wriggle
Tears were flowing from my eyes
My husband looked at me with great surprise 

He took me by the hand and we left the church
On the pretext I was so upset and needed a quiet place to perch
Outside the church my laughter freely flowed
My eyes were shiny and my cheeks they glowed

When my father finally came out
I told him of the priest’s error and at me he did not shout
He decided he better have a ‘quiet word’
Their conversation it was not overheard

On our next visit to the Catholic Church
 Out of the building I hoped I would not have to lurch
I got ready to bow my head to pray
And then I heard the priest say ……

HEAVENLY FARZER! Oh thank the lord
My father’s words he had taken on board
Now when I hear the words ‘let us pray’
I cringe and remember that awful day


Jan Allison
7th February 2014
Contest The Poet III
sponsored by Gautami Phookan
~awarded 3rd place~

Copyright © | Year Posted 2014




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Date: 10/7/2016 8:06:00 AM
Ohhh Jan! I can so totally understand this :-) I do the same kind of things when I am for instance nervous. And yeah exactly at occasions like this I have that problem too. I do not WANT to, but I still do.... It's not fun, but SO funny HUGS Darren
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 3/23/2019 12:31:00 PM
oh gosh Darren I'm so sorry I've just found your comment. Miss you on soup my little penguin friend:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 2/15/2015 5:00:00 PM
You mentioned a while back Jan that I should take a look see at this poem. Well here I am and it was well worth the visit. Full marks from me it is a brilliant funny write, I enjoyed it from start to finish and has been the hifh spot of my day. Stay safe Ninja Naj! love Shane xxx
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 2/15/2015 5:06:00 PM
The thing about the poem Shane it is 100% true and I still cringe when I hear a foreign priest... just in case:-) Hugs Jan xx
Date: 1/4/2015 5:43:00 PM
Oh my goodness. How embarrassing. Great write my friend. :O) Well done. Keep up with the great work. Keep on penning. Thank you so very much for sharing your wonderful and creative talents with us. We all truly appreciate it. *S* Cynthia
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Cynthia Jones
Date: 1/4/2015 6:13:00 PM
:O) You are most welcome Jan. *S* Cynthia
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 1/4/2015 5:44:00 PM
I still giggle when I read this one Cynthia - thanks for reading some of my earlier writes its good to read them again:-) Hugs jan xx
Date: 10/5/2014 7:11:00 PM
I really enjoyed your humorous take on the contest theme.... Sometimes, we just need to laugh when life becomes too serious. It lightens up the mood and makes the tough times a little easier to get through.... Congrats on your well deserved win, Jan!
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/6/2014 1:05:00 AM
Thanks Kelly - it was a true write and one of the first poems ( posted here :-) hugs Jan xxx
Date: 10/2/2014 10:17:00 AM
Hahaha! Life is so funny even in serious moments. I was ADD and could not settle down in church. Every distraction became a side show to me. My uncle cured me and my parents were amazed at how quiet I became in service. How did my uncle do it? He told me to take the hymn book and read the song title and then in my mind add the phrase "behind the bushes". I fell in love with the hymn book and never embarrassed my parents in church again :). Congrats on your win!!
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/2/2014 10:50:00 AM
Dave you should write a poem about it:-) thanks for the lovely comment my friend:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 10/1/2014 11:30:00 PM
Lol.,.love it Jan....blame it on the pregnancy.... Congrats Tim
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/2/2014 1:17:00 AM
LOL Tim:-) thanks as ever your your friendship and support:-) Hugs Jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 4:51:00 PM
What a great punny title! Congrad's on your win. Light & Love
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 4:56:00 PM
Thanks Debbie I try and have humour in as many poems as possible - this one was a totally true experience :-) Hugs Jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 1:17:00 PM
Congratulations on your podium finish, Jan! Very merited. I enjoyed and had a laugh for free. I suppose most of us have had similar awkward moments in life and the situation could turn out to be very embarrassing. // hugs paul
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 4:21:00 PM
Thanks for the lovely comment Paul:-) hugs jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 10:20:00 AM
OH Jan, now the tears are running down my cheeks. That was so funny and I know how awful it feels. My son did something at my husbands funeral that made us get the giggles and I was praying everyone thought I was crying. It's horrible but when I get nervous I tend to giggle. Congratulations on your lovely win.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 11:05:00 AM
Thanks Brenda I am so pleased I'm not the only one that is affected in this way:-) thanks for the lovely comment my friend. Hugs jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 9:32:00 AM
I enjoyed the humor in the poem, congrats on the win, jan
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 9:40:00 AM
Thanks so much for the lovely commentDdr Mehta:-) Hugs jan xx
Date: 10/1/2014 9:28:00 AM
Hi Jan -- I enjoyed your poem so much. I can definitely picture this happening in church -- made laugh! Congratulations on your win! Sandra
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 9:39:00 AM
It was so embarrassing at the time - thanks for the lovely comment:-) hugs jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 8:35:00 AM
I'm sure no one would be offended by this , it made me smile. I to have giggled at an inappropriate time. A good write, well done.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 9:04:00 AM
Thanks Margaret for your lovely comment:-) Hugs Jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 8:11:00 AM
Congratulation on another big win.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 8:16:00 AM
Thanks so much Maurice for ALL your support I do appreciate it my friend:-) Hugs Jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 8:08:00 AM
Wow great write how did I miss this one. I'm a dough head.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 8:15:00 AM
Its one of my earlier poems Maurice - always makes me smile when I think back to the day:-) Hugs jan xxx
Date: 10/1/2014 6:52:00 AM
This was a favorite, you did it so well.. your narration full of such humor,, and an elegant write that made me smile. Congratulations Jan , on a fine win in my contest... huggs
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 10/1/2014 8:14:00 AM
Wow thanks so much for my 3rd place in your contest Gautami I am so pleased you enjoyed my poem:-) This poem 100% true and it always makes me smile when I am in church and ready to pray:-) Hugs Jan
Date: 5/1/2014 12:54:00 PM
Hello Jan, Yep you were right!! Love love love this one too! Very descriptive and sweet and it made me laugh, a lot! It reminds me of a time I went to a concert and saw a pianist. Well my best friend and I could not stop laughing. That concert made us nervous so we laughed a awful lot! We escorted ourselves out before the guys in the red coats would. Great writer you are! Peace, Deborah
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 5/1/2014 2:01:00 PM
Thanks Deborah for the lovely comments. isn't it awful when you are in a situation like this and can't stop laughing the more you try the worse it is. Lol great poet - you are too kind. I try my best - do check out my collaboration work with darren watson - the first time we met on the isle of man - a bit naughty but funny! we have about 6 poems together now ;-) Hugs jan xx
Date: 3/24/2014 7:56:00 AM
Dear Jan - Who has not gotten those crazy giggles at church. Actually had a few laughs at my daughter's wake. The Christening was a riot. The priest kept rocking back and forth on his feet. I thought the godfather and I would explode. You were right, I love it. kathy
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 3/24/2014 11:43:00 AM
Ha Ha love it Kathy - you could write a poem now - am glad I'm not Catholic like my dad otherwise I'd never be able to say a Hail Mary again Hugs Jan xxx
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kathryn collins
Date: 3/24/2014 7:57:00 AM
forgot - Hail Mary full of grapes.
Date: 3/13/2014 3:52:00 PM
This is one of my favorites too. I can see the same thing happening to me. LP
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 3/13/2014 4:00:00 PM
Thanks for dropping by William. It still makes me smile every time I hear the words let us pray - I can feel myself blushing even 22 year on. Happy reading and writing. Jan xx
Date: 2/16/2014 11:36:00 AM
Loved it! Some of the funniest things that happen are said incompletel seriousness! LOL Love your humour, dear sister! Big huggeroonies, J. Ellison XOXOX
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 2/16/2014 11:45:00 AM
Thanks Jack. I still smile whenever I hear the words 'let us pray' love and hugs your cyber sister Jan xxxx
Date: 2/9/2014 4:48:00 PM
Brilliant,I read this one again Jan.It's going in my favourites list.I love the humour and the poetry is great,I have a personal reason too for liking this poem as my mother was Dutch and she couldn't pronounce th,so she also would say farzer instead of father. xxx
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 2/13/2014 4:48:00 PM
One of my favourite poems along with Just Desserts. I passed this on to a local preacher and hes sending it on to his son Thanks as ever Jan xxxxx
Date: 2/8/2014 1:40:00 AM
Reminds me of when Charo was dressed as Little Bo Peep on the Sonny and Cher Show from years ago. She said, "I can't find my cheep". I needed something to make me smile, and this did the trick!
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 2/8/2014 6:20:00 AM
Am so pleased you enjoyed it Robert - I gave a copy to our friend who is a Baptist Minister he loved it! If I can make one person smile with my work then its all worthwhile Jan
Date: 2/7/2014 4:38:00 PM
This is hilarious...made my day. BG
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 2/7/2014 4:57:00 PM
Hi Barbara Many thanks for your lovely comment. If i have made one person laugh then it has made my day. This is a true story but it happened about 22 yrs ago. i only started writing poems in November last yr when my husband underwent major surgery. Jan xx