Best Humour. Poems
I hesitated for over a month – should I join Poetry Soup …
Would they like my poems and accept me in their group?
It is not my intention to be a famous writer
I try and write with wit to make our lives a little brighter
I write on many subjects – I sometimes have a moan
My humour is ‘unique’ and may make some people groan
Harsh words can knock us back; criticism can drag us down
Let’s try to live here in harmony and smile instead of frown
I try to be lighthearted and if I can make people smile
They may forget problems and their worries for a while
Kind words cost us nothing - a smile can brighten up our day
I hope that I can make a difference with the words I say
Some do not like my poems - I can’t please everyone
But I hope my style brings Poetry Soup some fun!
Well the title says it all … I ‘con’ you all that I’m a poet!
04~14~15
Contest I Icon – Sheri Fresonke Harper
the day I died
was a rainy one
but the sun came out
in the nick of time
I can laugh about it now
but it was a worry
FRED THE PERV.
Kinky Fred stole knickers off the line
One summer night his haul totalled nine
His spree ended in tears
Got an extra ten years
When Judge Sue said that red pair were mine.
LARS.
A young astronaut from NASA called Lars
Blasted off from Cape Kennedy to Mars
But then there was a glitch
When he pressed the wrong switch
Last seen heading at warp speed to the stars.
PETE.
A young pianist from New York called Pete
Could play William Tell using his feet
But he fell of his chair
And he started to swear
Was booed off and thrown into the street.
JOHNNY GABLE.
A mean old waiter called Johnny Gable
Saw a man choke to death on a bagel
He then shifted his body
To the side of the lobby
Said forgive me but we need the table .
O'TOOLE.
A forgetful pilot Johnny O'Toole
Was over the north sea flying to Bule
Then both engines spluttered
Under his breath muttered
Looked at his gauge and screamed no ruddy fuel.
OLD GANGSTER.
An old gangster rose from rags to riches
Got rid of all his traitors and snitches
They'd find in their bed
A racehorses head
Or find themselves sleeping with the fishes.
THE BAKER.
An unwashed old baker from Idaho
Had filthy fingers when kneeding the dough
Folk choked on his paella
Some died from salmonella
Got closed down and ended up on skid row.
O'KEEFE.
A fella by the name of O'Keefe
Was the long serving town's police chief
Someone stole the mess cookies
Everyone blamed the rookies
But it turned out O'Keefe was the thief.
AMOUROUS MICHAEL.
Amourous young Michael from Mayo
At a girls house he tried to stayo
She started to shouto
And then kicked him outo
Said she" you're not staying no wayo."
NIGERIAN POEM THIEF.
A sly poem thief from Nigeria
On the soup caused a mass hysteria
He stole soupers work
Soupers went beserk
On the run now cos he's in fear of ya.
Written 18th august 2019.
MR GREEDY
Mr Greedy could not eat any more
His bulging stomach was swollen and sore
Needed hospital care
But he couldn't get there
Cos he got wedged in the frame of the door...
SPOILT BRAT
A spoilt young daughter was having a moan
Santa didn't bring the latest I phone
Her dad said" hand me that
You ungrateful young brat"
And sent her off to her room to atone...
MA KELLY
Eighty year old Ma Kelly passed away
Her mean family didn't want to pay
So they filled her with concrete
Then put supports on her feet
And sold her as a statue on ebay...
SINBAD
For twelve camels Sinbad purchased a wife
But she gave him lots of grief and much strife
Tried to give her away
All his friends they did say
"A wife's not just for Christmas but for life" ..
CLIMATE CHANGE
Eskimos igloos started to buckle
Global warming for them is big trouble
They got home one day
And to their dismay
Their village had turned into a puddle...
NEW YEAR
If you go out celebrating new year
Do go easy on the whiskey and beer
Make sure you drive slowly
Cos you don't want to be
Stuck in a snow drift right up to your ear...
Written 30th December 2019.
Better still if you're driving DON'T DRINK.
Happy New Year to all.
TOP GUN.
A keen jet pilot broke the speed of sound
A loud sonic boom he caused on the ground
House windows were broken
The whole town awoken
Claims from lawyers to the air force abound...
SANTA ON THE RUN
Santa got pulled over on the highway
Cops told him a light had gone on his sleigh
Santa said I'm in a rush
Cracked his whip shouted mush mush
The reindeers galloped off up and away...
QUEUE FOR THE LOO (FICTIONAL WRITE).
Have you noticed there is always a queue
Not outside the gents, only the girls loo
Business takes a minute
What do they do in it ?
They spend time gossiping that's what they do...
BILLY BLACKSMITH.
Billy the blacksmith was stoking his fire
The next horse up for shoeing was a shire
Then blacksmith Billy felt
A kick below the belt
Now high pitched is soprano in the choir...
INDUSTRIAL ACTION.
The reindeer decided to go on strike
Made demands that old Santa didn't like
He said it's Christmas eve
And I've soon got to leave
So he sacked them and rode off on his bike...
Written 19th November 2019.
JED.
Jed the horse thief was a bit of a dope
Stole a pretty horse and tried to elope
Folk declared him a horse thief
And for giving them much grief
They dangled him at the end of a rope...
PADDY O'HARE.
A deep sea diver called Paddy O'Hare
Was on the sea bed without any care
His watch he forgot to check
Coughed and said" oh flippin heck"
Never surfaced cos he ran out of air...
BARTHOLOMEW LOTT.
The great explorer Bartholomew Lott
Was in the jungle with Jimmy the Scot
Cannibal's came in the night
They both put up a great fight
But were outnumbered and put in a pot...
FRED.
Fred tried to run away with his lover
Was caught in the act by his dear mother
She said this cannot be
T'will end in tragedy
His lover was the wife of his brother...
JIHADI (WON'T BE MISSED).
Bin Sayed said everything will be fine
Told a Jihadi bomber to cross the line
But Jihadi didn't know
Something was about to blow
A loud kaboom when he stepped on a mine...
LOUISE.
An old woman by the name of Louise
Had a fur coat that made everyone sneeze
Also they'd start to twitch
And scratch raw from the itch
She found out it was infested with fleas...
KEITH THE TROLL
There was a vile and nasty troll called Keith
Bullied the weak and shy into defeat
He lived in a small town
A victim tracked him down
Now he's seen walking around with no teeth...
Written 26th February 2020.
ghost cameras
recording spirits.
Sure….
ghost riders
galloping entities
okay….
ghost dancers
shaking their booties
What booties?
POTD is often filled with sadness
Not often is there joy and gladness
Not much laughter fills this world
Little humour gets unfurled
Little gratitude for what one has
Woe is me I'm lost and sad alas
Lets have some days of poetic jokes
Lots of fun filled jolly pokes
Great medicine comes from laughter
Lifts the spirit for hours long after
POTD sometimes filled with glee
Are there others or is this invitation only me
Perhaps at least one day a month a Sunday
to be reserved for a POTD humour fun day
Loo humour it is my forte
Risqué rhymes, I’ll write night and day
I’ve finished next book
Will you dare to look
It’s naughty – that’s all I will say!
TED
A cheating farmer called Teddy McClure
Thought that his wife knew but he wasn't sure
Oh boy she knew alright
Cos when he took a bite
Of his sandwich it contained pig manure...
AMY
A flat chested girl called Amy Sparrow
Went for a boob job down in Palermo
Now cant keep her back straight
Because of the dead weight
And she now has to use a wheelbarrow...
FLYING HERD
Have you ever thought what if cows could fly
Imagine ducking as a herd flew by
You'd have to wear a hard hat
Or risk being hit by a pat
And goggles in case you're hit in the eye...
THE LOVERS
Two lovers went in the woods all alone
Lots of oohing and aahing and a moan
They're on Utube on show
And what they didn't know
Someone filmed them from above with a drone...
FRED DYER
Did you hear about poor Freddie Dyer
Fell and mangled his manhood on barbed wire
His bits they couldn't save
But opera fans rave
His falsetto singing in the choir...
Written 29th April 2020.
RUDOLPHS DEMISE
Rudolf reindeer lost his sight in one eye
Santa said you won't be able to fly
Also said you're getting old
To a butcher he was sold
He ended up as red nose reindeer pie...
SPEEDING SANTA
A speed trap was set up on the highway
Cops waited for a mug to come their way
A speeder appeared
Sporting a white beard
They handcuffed him and impounded his sleigh...
'DIRTY' SANTA
An elf debts just wouldn't go away
To raise money he stole Santa's sleigh
The bad elf went on the run
Santa shot him with his gun
Saying " go ahead punk make my day"...
POOR POLLY
The family were waiting to be fed
But the turkey had rotted and smelt dead
They were in a rut
The shops were all shut
So they roasted their pet parrot instead...
THE GRINCH
Someone stole presents from under the tree
Cops were baffled and thought who can it be ?
The culprit was seen
Twas a man in green
The Grinch caught as he attempted to flee...
ELVES REVENGE
The elves downed tools cos they wanted more pay
Santa said" you get enough so no way
I dont need you no more
Can get toys from the store "
They got their revenge and burned down his sleigh ...
EYE EYE
A man ordered for dessert pumkin pie
Was choking stomach thrusts' they did apply
Started to heave
Made other guests leave
Chef rushed over, said " you found my glass eye"...
Written 30th November 2019.
Don’t know what to wear?
try a loving expression
no one will ever notice.
© Harry J Horsman 2010
My sister got married in white
Gran commented, “That isn’t right -
You are no virgin bride
That’s YOUR son by your side
You should have kept your legs shut tight!”
SIR CONRAD
The great explorer Sir Conrad Justine
Disappeared and was never again seen
Got too near the edge
Slipped on the ledge
Fell two thousand feet in to a ravine...
JIMMY
A bottle Jimmy found at the roadside
Drank it all and was lucky he survived
Didn't read the label
Was drunk wasn't able
It wasn't whiskey but neat pesticide...
FRANK
Old Frank went for a ride on a rickshaw
To visit the ancient sights at Mingtaw
Was having a good day
Until the seat gave way
His rear dragged on the ground till it was raw...
BO PEEP
A Shepherd girl called little bo peep
Was so drunk that she soon fell asleep
But it wasn't her day
She woke up in dismay
The wolves had eaten all of her sheep...
PETE
In a rain coat was the flasher called Pete
He loved flashing all his bits in the street
Girls said its too lame
So Pete upped his game
He bought a strapon that hangs to his feet...
JOHN BECK
A sexy stud by the name of John Beck
Below had trouble cried out flipping heck
He took some blue pills
To give girls their thrills
But all it did was give him a stiff neck...
Written 14 September 2019.
TURK TATIL MIZAH
FOREST GUMP
Did you hear about old Forest Gump
Went up to do a parachute jump
Gave the rip cord a jerk
Found out it didn't work
Hit the ground with one hell of a thump...
JED
In the care home was an old boy called Jed
Always given some blue pills with his med
And every night
He didn't excite
But it stopped him from falling out of bed...
THE BAKER
There was a baker from Hemel Hempstead
His loaves were the best you've ever tasted
But what people didn't know
LSD was in the dough
After eating his bread they'd be wasted...
PETE
A meat factory owner called Pete
Won gold awards for his sausage meat
But his meat supply
And this is no lie
Was of meat from stray dogs off the street...
SANTA ( NOT FOR KIDS )
Santa Claus was out preparing his sled
Whilst all children were tucked up in bed
Put some presents at the back
Had a fatal heart attack
The elves rushed out but poor Santa was dead ...
THE SWIMMER
A young man went for a swim in the sea
Smelt a bad smell wondered what can it be
A woman shouted swim back
The sewer pipe has a crack
He then realised he was swimming in pee...
JOHN
John was heading off to hot sunny Spain
When he landed saw snow falling and rain
Went through immigration
Hit with realisation
At the airport he'd boarded the wrong plane...
SUZE
She was born in the city of Syracuse
Was a stripper with the stage name of Suze
Was ginormous on top
That made all men's jaws drop
For private shows she's the one men would choose...
FRED
Fred went out for a curry vindaloo
All okay till he bent down to his shoe
A sharp pain then some gas
He was sure it would pass
Too late, he never made it to the loo...
Written on 24th September 2019.