Best Humour Poems

I hesitated for over a month – should I join Poetry Soup …
Would they like my poems and accept me in their group?

It is not my intention to be a famous writer 
I try and write with wit to make our lives a little brighter

I...

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FRED THE PERV.

Kinky Fred stole knickers off the line
One summer night his haul totalled nine
His spree ended in tears
Got an extra ten years
When Judge Sue said that red pair were mine.

LARS.

A young astronaut from NASA called Lars
Blasted off from Cape Kennedy to Mars
But then there...

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MR GREEDY

Mr Greedy could not eat any more
His bulging stomach was swollen and sore
Needed hospital care
But he couldn't get there 
Cos he got wedged in the frame of the door... 

SPOILT BRAT

A spoilt young daughter was having a moan
Santa didn't bring the latest I phone
Her...

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TOP GUN.

A keen jet pilot broke the speed of sound
A loud sonic boom he caused on the ground
House windows were broken
The whole town awoken
Claims from lawyers to the air force abound...
 
SANTA ON THE RUN

Santa got pulled over on the highway
Cops told him a light...

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JED.

Jed the horse thief was a bit of a dope
Stole a pretty horse and tried to elope
Folk declared him a horse thief
And for giving them much grief
They dangled him at the end of a rope...

PADDY O'HARE.

A deep sea diver called Paddy O'Hare
Was on the sea...

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A poet, that's me I'm called Jan
Was NEVER a poetry fan
Now two books bear my name
Not for fortune or fame
I'll pen poop whenever I can!

If ever I am stuck for words
I resort to write about turds
Brown things that you poo
When you're sat on the loo
Poop...

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TED

A cheating farmer called Teddy McClure
Thought that his wife knew but he wasn't sure
Oh boy she knew alright
Cos when he took a bite
Of his sandwich it contained pig manure... 

AMY

A flat chested girl called Amy Sparrow 
Went for a boob job down in Palermo
Now cant...

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Loo humour it is my forte
Risqué rhymes, I’ll write night and day 
I’ve finished next book
Will you dare to look
It’s naughty – that’s all I will say!
...

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RUDOLPHS DEMISE

Rudolf reindeer lost his sight in one eye
Santa said you won't be able to fly
Also said you're getting old
To a butcher he was sold 
He ended up as red nose reindeer pie...

SPEEDING SANTA

A speed trap was set up on the highway
Cops waited for a...

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Don’t know what to wear?
try a loving expression
no one will ever notice.

© Harry J Horsman  2010...

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the day I died
was a rainy one
but the sun came out
in the nick of time
I can laugh about it now
but it was a worry...

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Now, I am not a huge man

I'm not large by any means

In fact it is surprising

I still wear normal jeans

My pants don't have elastics

I still use normal towels

But, my BMI stats tell me

I'm a word that has three vowels.

It started just this morning

When I got...

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ghost cameras
	recording spirits.
			Sure….

ghost riders
        	galloping entities
			okay….

ghost dancers
	shaking their booties
			What booties?...

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"The Vanilla Ice Cream Knights and The Raspberry Queen"



"You’ve been spooning
too much Vanilla Icecream”, 
she advised the buffoon

all the feathery self-blustering chirpers 
parted way, she had loaded guns
she positively glided into the room

“Diamonds my old bean,” she grinned,

“have no use for vanilla or rocky road...

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Underneath a rainbow
The colours fall down flat
Perhaps it is the rain
That makes them all go splat!...

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