Obese

Now, I am not a huge man I'm not large by any means In fact it is surprising I still wear normal jeans My pants don't have elastics I still use normal towels But, my BMI stats tell me I'm a word that has three vowels. It started just this morning When I got upon the scale After getting back my numbers I felt like a beached whale Our scale is something special Uplifitng messages it did send Today when I stood on it It said, is it you and your fat friend? I thought this can't be right I saw the numbers there I've gained ten pounds since Christmas But, I'm damned if I know where I thought that the old batteries Just needed to be changed But, the numbers were the same again That damn scale is deranged Most times I eat real healthy No fried foods and lots of greens But I keep on getting fatter And I don't know what this means I entered all my numbers My height, and weight increase And when my BMI was figured It said "Son, you're obese" Now, I do not ride a scooter I wear an xl shirt But seeing that word on the chart Well, man....that really hurt I watch shows on my tv of people in bad shape They weigh in at 600 pounds And to them I am a grape. My knees may hurt, my back is sore But that's not from my weight They hurt from my arthitis Not from my rotund state Obese, to me is something That I swore I'd never be It's a tag that is real hurtful And it is one I have to see Each time I get upon the scale And then go to the chart It comes up as obese each time It really breaks my heart Now, exercise and I are friends We met once in the past But we always seem have a fight And our friendship does not last I've tried diets that do wonders They make the pounds fall off But after twenty pounds of loss or so My body starts to scoff It says "you know you're fooling no one" "A skinny you's just fake" "So, come on down off the treadmill" "And let's go get some cake" So exercise is not for me There must be other ways To lose the weight that I've put on One I can do in days! I'm looking for a short cut To break me from my obese rut So, I chose Liposuction Where they stick a tube inside my gut They said "you are a candidtate" Like, there was choice that had been made I knew I had to get the weight off If I wanted to get laid They took me in a little room And had me lie down on the bed Then they put a tag on my big toe I said "...in case I wake up dead?" They said it was to tell them what to do I said I way 300 pounds, So if I know, why don't you? They drew some lines upon my gut and down on to my thighs I said don't touch nothing down there It's exactly the right size They told me that the lines were just To show them where to suck Again, I thought below my waist And I thought "just my luck" They said a hose would suck the fat That my body had in store I thought, that's only so I can fill it up with more They said that it would hurt some And I'd be sore and bruised Then they showed me a few pictures Those people looked abused I siad, no thanks, I'm outa here I'm gonna lose it right I didn't put it on that quick And I won't lose it overnight I'll change the food I'm eating And I'll go and walk a bit I'll use the stairs a little more And this time I won't quit But, as I thought of liposuction And that really neat machine To own something that sucks like that Would be so bloody keen! Now, I'm working on my weight loss And folks, here is the scoop I' dropped two pound this afternoon I just had a good poop! Just exercise some caution If your scale says you're obese For I'm in this fight beside you And our weights will both decrease!