Best Hemorrhoid Poems
Forget to brush; must maintain that gleam
Run to sink, grab a tube, no light stream
Such an odd taste in my mouth
Quickly I must spit it out
Oh, dear Lord, it’s Dad’s hemorrhoid cream!
(Sadly, a true story)
Remember that dude Little Boy Blue?
Well, he's a very good a friend of mine
We used to have all night jam sessions
Just to help ourselves unwind
Of course, you know he plays a horn
And I play the doghouse bass
I knew that boy was going places
It was written all over his face
He played that horn like nobody's business
He could really moan the blues
Did I tell you I taught him all he knows?
You can believe that if you choose
I heard he's not playing anymore
And he's left the music scene
They say his lips shrunk, something awful
After an accident with hemorrhoid cream
That just goes to show you
You better look before you brush
Take your time and your lips won't shrink
And now, I guess, it's time to hush
The first time I had one
It really was not fun.
I called the doctor
and went right away.
I knew that, how is it hanging
was the first thing he would say.
And he did not let me down.
In fact he had me stand up.
OK drop your drawers
and as if that was not enough
for a fifteen year old,
lean across the table
I was told.
You have a good healthy hemorrhoid.
Take good care of it.
Hopefully you will be partners for life.
Yeah, you sure do not want it to see a knife.
Now stand up and turn around,
No, leave your shorts on the floor.
He placed two fingers in a most
delicate place.
Turn your head to the right and cough.
Then two fingers on the other side.
Now, turn the other way and cough.
Very good he said, they act just like
they are supposed to.
No, leave your drawers on the floor!
One more check he said.
I do not like that evil smile Doc.
What are you going to do.
Well, son I am going to check your prostate.
My pros what.
Your prostate. The thing that allows
you to have sex.
Who said I do that?
Well, you need a history of when it is healthy
to know when it starts to have a problem.
So bend over that table.
I really do not know what happened next
because in about ten seconds,
I passed out.
I know you ladies find this in poor taste. So- - -
To all the men, no matter when,
the FIRST TIME you had this done.
Some use hemorrhoid cream on their face
In my eyes,it is not the right place
But they ‘pile’ it all on
Till the tube is all gone
I won’t use our tube just in case
Just imagine if you’d used your finger
On your piles cos you had a humdinger
But your wrinkles need lube
and you reuse that tube
on that note I’ve leave you to linger!!
Based on an article about people using this cream to shrink their facial wrinkles
***** about face means 'something that is contrary to what is expected'
4/14/18
You messed around
and married a real
"pain-in-the butt" man
known throughout the land
for ripping
burning
completely deserting
then leaving
women hurting
his only claim to fame
is over reacting
and lacking class
a self-proclaimed pain in the ass
a crook with line
and hook to cast
things will never be the same
trade away your maiden name
to Mrs. Hemorrhoid
and wear his name with class.
I’m dining with my cousin Giles
Who disclosed he’d terrible piles
He’s wriggly and twitchy
Cos his butt’s so itchy
His visage is sad, there’s no smiles
He’d tried using soft margarine
This process had just made him scream
So he did not linger
With his index finger
But Anusol worked like a dream
I said it was my understanding
That surgeon ‘s do hemorrhoid banding
But if he has it done
Sitting down he may shun
On this subject I won’t be expanding!
Next time I saw my Cousin Giles
They’d successfully removed his piles
So he can sit down
No trace of a frown
And Giles is chock full of smiles
10/09/21
The mafia is like a hemorrhoid:
-Both absolutely no use
-Both put the squeeze on their victim
- and both are a pain in the anus!!
Large hemorrhoid piles
obstruct waste evacuation
Evoke toilet time howls
In flat rectal production
Trump Sitting On A Bar Stool
There was Trump sitting on a bar stool
With each hemorrhoid fighting a duel
And when he looked at their logistics
His body and mind both went ballistics
On one coming out first we took s pool.
Jim Horn
http://www.poetrysoup.com/poets/top_100_poets_most_poems_all_time.aspx
Following is the April 2012 Monthly Activity Report compiled by the TSA.
I appears that Fred Feely Fingers and his pals do a thorough job, I must say!
Those diligent and dedicated folks earn their pay according to this survey.
For your information, I hasten to report their detailed findings without delay!
They discovered eighty-seven transvestites - terrorists - zilch!
Three natural blondes were detected - terrorists - zilch!
Fifty-thousand breast implants - terrorists - zilch!
Over three thousand serious hemorrhoid cases - terrorists - zilch!
Nearly fourteen hundred hernias - terrorists - zilch!
Eight thousand enlarged prostates - terrorists - zilch!
Don't you feel safer flying the friendly skies having learned these facts?
Having had our physical exams we can now board with confidence and relax!
(Let's pray those guys won't be so obsessed with us dropping our slacks,
That they let guns and strange-looking drawers fall through the cracks!)
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
I am not technically challenged
I am merely being tested
Well, that’s my story anyway
There are those who would beg to differ
So let them
Who cares?
I may not know all there is to know
About computers
About streaming
About smart phones
Who says they’re so smart?
They don’t impress me much
I once threatened
To throw mine in the river
For being so stupid
Damn Android
More like hemorrhoid
If you ask me
Meaning pain in the you know what
Give me back my Princess model
Preferably in pink or turquoise
And with a rotary dial
I bet I can get one on Amazon
The man on the moon knew he could get ruined, if he couldn’t get back to his cocoon.
Was he maroon on the cocoon. Or just an illusion for a conclusion.
It could’ve been all a delusion without a conclusion. Said the Man on the Moon. Because, I just had a transfusion.
The man on the moon was late for his appointment with his pediatrician which was in prison with a dental technician.
Now you’re probably confused, with this, new news.
The man on the moon had news he was so confused. He felt like he was overused.
confidentially, Respectfully, I must tell you. What my pediatrician said.
I was a proud new father of a baby boy hemorrhoid. So proudly, he pulled out a Polaroid. And now he had a picture to share with his wife Sarah Lloyd
They disclosed a hole today
A big black hole far, far, away
Scientists, in wide eyed glee,
Said “this proves Einstein’s theory”.
That states when mass is so compact
What gets sucked in just won’t come back
And should you find yourself to be
On a black hole trajectory
You’d experience a strange sensation
A nasty dose of spaghettification
And as the world looks to the void
To view this cosmic hemorrhoid
Let’s take time out to contemplate
To consider and appreciate,
This wondrous, spinning, orb of blue
That serves as home to me and you.
I took my grandson to the barbershop today . Tonight is prom night so very special i must say.
As I sat and looked around expressionless faces was all that could be found. All about gazing into their iPhones and androids it was engough to pop a hemorrhoid.
O tempora o mores as Cicero would say is this what our world has become today.
The ability to converse has become almost remedial. One day i fear our tongues will become vestigial.
*RED ALERT! ENTERING DICTIONARY NEBULA!*
We dream of the day we can travel freely through space,
To expand mankind and forever leave our birthplace,
New adventures and dangers alike,
These are all things people are willing to embrace.
It would be wonderful to go and explore,
The mysteries of the universe how it does implore,
Who knows how many inhabitable planets or races we’ll find,
The first ones out there will do so with the bravery of a god of war.
I wonder if by that time we’ll have some type of space humanoid,
Something like a tv show android,
At least when they are in a space battle,
They won’t have to worry about the discomfort of a hemorrhoid.
We have heard for many years the stories of alien abduction,
And we’ve seen the movies showing our near destruction,
I don’t know if I believe any of that,
But the stories and movies will always be in a state of fluxion.
One day the earth might face an invasion,
Then we can try our military persuasion,
And when all else fails,
Who speaks alien and can do the translation?
While the brave are out flying around the galaxy,
They will need to be careful and watch for ataxy,
And people will be so excited to get out there,
They’ll want their training to be Tachydidaxy.
Maybe one day we’ll meet an alien,
Some of the depictions have them looking like a Marginocephalian,
I sure have no idea what will happen when we meet,
However, at this point I think I’m probably just guilty of sesquipedalian.