Best Ham Poems
There is a very cunning ham named Tom
Pens side-splitting limericks with aplomb
When Soupers are down
Tom removes their frowns
And their funny bones explode like a bomb
We love you, Tom!
My uncle Dran was an odd sorta man
who never much cared for livestock.
But wouldn't you know he kept a pig he loved so,
and named the fat thing, Ham hock.
Of little he cared but for the pig's dinner fare
and a desire to keep him from block.
No butcher you'd see would stand a chance or a plea,
to separate Dran and Ham hock.
One day on a walk came a squeal and a squawk
as they passed a farmland flock.
As a sow named Bacon took to squalling and chasing,
to the delight of old Ham Hock.
Bacon was bought after a hard bargain fought,
she was Dran's hog for the takin.
And never could one part, the sow and the old fart,
know as Ham Hock and Bacon.
To this day down the lane, if you travel again.
there's a legend for books in the makin.
For the piglets o' plenty, of the pigs, Dran has many,
cause he won't eat Ham hock or Bacon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pink Domino Contest
Sponsored by: Sara Kendrick
7/29/2016
Placed 10th
Tom flew down to Turkey to play
But found at the end of the day
Putin had to gobble
So there was a squabble
Hence the Marmite-Putin soufflé
My sincere apologies to Dr. Seuss
I couldn't resist writing this one
Some of that tasty green ham and eggs
With a bunch of worms on a bun
Eeew! That sounds really quite gross
Dr. Seuss is turning over in his grave
Us poets call it artistic license
Sometimes it winds up depraved
Like how about this, lox in my socks
They'd get pretty stinky in a while
Or one knish, two knish in a dirty dish
Or yertles turtles in a pile
I'm really sorry, Mr. Theodore Geisel
That's Dr. Seuss' real name
Sure made our childhood a bunch of fun
But of course that was your aim!
© Jack Ellison 2012
There's a certain cunning ham named Tom
Who once crafted limericks with aplomb
Lately, no funny new lims
Has Tom's funny bone dimmed -- NO
His computer's been infected with ROM!
Slice ham so thin, your in-laws will never come back
This pearl of wisdom came my way
So many years ago
A TV ad that to this day,
The funniest I know
It sliced and diced, did everything
A kitchen chef could seek
In fact, it claimed that it could make
ONE tomato last a week!
But best for me as I recall,
Laughed so hard, I could die-
Onions it could dice so fast,
You don’t have time to cry!
From “The Miracle Slicer”
Let me tell you a story
From a time gone by
The tale of a greedy butcher
And a pig that could fly
In the little village of Piddle Brook
There lived a butcher named Mr.Ham
He was bearded, bulky, and a belcher
And was rumored to eat his own toe jam
A lover of all meat
Pork,beef,duck,chicken, and mutton
All this gorger did was eat
He was a professional glutton
But Mr.Ham’s appetite was not satisfied
He longed for some thick greasy bacon
Just a few strips, nicely fried
Served with pickled daikon
He peeked through his window
And with one beady eye
Spotted his neighbors hog
And pictured a flaky pork pie
His mouth watered
"What a delicious midnight snack!"
"I will barbecue,braise and fry her"
"But first I will launch my attack"
"Oh but I shan’t become a thief!"
"T’was only a whim!"
But Mr.Ham’s thin scruples vanished
His growling belly got the better of him
He grabbed a pitchfork
And the hefty hooligan set out
He advanced on the sleeping hog
And grabbed her by the snout
Her piggy eyes shot open
And in a flash
She darted past the butcher
And ran past the fence in a dash
Mr.Ham bellowed in rage
And waddled after the beast
But the pig was too quick
Yet Mr.Ham never ceased
And so the chase continued
A wild game of cat and mouse
They ran through the streets
Row upon row,house after house
Finally the swine was cornered
The escaped pig let out a squeal
And great feathery wings sprouted from her back
Said the pig “Thou shalt not steal”
And with one final snort
Two leaps and a hop
The winged sow flew away
And Mr. Ham collapsed with a plop
"I suppose it was a sign from above"
Mr.Ham sighed with defeat
From then on the rotund carnivore
Gave up on eating meat
Echelon; let’s take a quick stop at my favorite restaurant.
I feel a little funny.
I need food in my tummy.
I have not much money, but my tummy is empty.
Waiter, get me some peas and a glass of tea with plenty of honey.
The waiter asked while he went past,
Would you like clams or ham and cheese with your tea and peas?
Decisions, decisions, which one of these shall I have?
I do like them both.
Maybe, I should have clams and a half or ham and cheese.
My aunt Chalant makes the best ham and cheese.
Clams make me sneeze, ill at ease not a disease.
Gee weez!
Shall I get on my knees?
Please! Bring my tea and peas.
What shall I do?
I have not much money, but my tummy is empty.
Should I have clams and sneeze, or shall I have ham and cheese, or shall I have both a troth.
Decisions, decisions, shall I just have tea and peas?
4/13/2017
Ham 'n' Eggs
Lonnie Donegan Races up the UK pop charts 1956
© Harry J Horsman 2015
My lady friend Mary invited me over one day to have a little ham
So, I put on my big heavy coat and my fur hat and grabed a digital cam
It was late in November and the streets were white with snow
But when Mary invited me over for some ham, I was sure to go
Now I also want to mention that come spring little Mary
Becomes a different person, quite to the contrary
Last spring I asked her, Mary, Mary...(she's hard hearing) "how does your garden
grow?"
Well, she just went sort of weird on me and and replied: "sheeps in the meadow
and cows in the corn"........
I could tell that she was a "Little Girl Blue", so I just went over and for her I did
blow my horn
But after a little while (the ham was gone).. so Jack (me) I was nimble about it and
sort of quick
I turned all of a sudden and just jumped right on over her candle stick
I had my digital camera with me though and did take her picture, but no more talk
And what do you know when I steped outside I ran right into this bean stalk....
Well it was more than I could resist, so I climbed it.... and so it just went on and on
Till it was gone......... And so am I............ Real Gone.........
Help! I’m salivating!
Happy carols, can’t sing,
Here’s Mama’s sweet presents,
Hail from Santa’s kitchen.
Hurray! Honey glazed whirl!
Hold your knife, fork, sing, drool…
Ham-yummy Christmas, all!
Dec. 19,2016 11.06pm
©2016Leonora Galinta
All Rights Reserved
Fourth Place
Contest: My Merry Christmas Party Pleiades Poetry Contest
Judged: 21/12/2016
Sponsor: Poet Andrea Dietrich
-Advance Merry Christmas to all! Hugs!
A really mouth watering sandwich
one that wets an hungry appetite
just what sandwich does one select
from a selection of bread brown and white
The favourite one for my tum
is one filled with cheese and hams
along with tomato, cucumber and onion
honey mustard on top of lettuce at 200 grams
Having this lovely food sandwich
such a rich taste of succulent texture
makes one fall in love with it fully
as it's simply lovely that's for sure
This may not be everyone's fav
but it is certainly mine
think of the juice's on your lips
eating that sandwich next time you dine
I know little of poet, Sam Slam,
But give him a slice of poet I am.
Of the prime directive,
I am over protective,
So slam your gums down, here comes your ham.
For Anti-Slam Limericks
In Honor of: Carolyn Devonshire
Placed #3
By Elton Camp
Sam much too intently does insist
Green eggs and ham not be missed
I don’t like them isn’t good enough
Sam persistently promotes the stuff
He is very much like a telemarketer
When lack of interest is made clear
Changes of location he does suggest
The person’s resolve to slyly test
Dining companions does propose
The answer’s the same with those
Bold persistence wears him down
The eater finally comes around
“I like them after all,” he does say
Not as much on the following day
In the hospital bed he did lay
Where he heard the doctor say
“It’s food poisoning without doubt.
In the future you better look out.”
“Green eggs don’t make sense to eat
They’re obviously ruined, not a treat.”
“Never eat them here or there.
I wouldn’t eat them anywhere.”
It was the night before Christmas, and I couldn't sleep,
I got out of bed without so much as a peep.
And headed to the kitchen for something to eat,
buck naked, except for the slippers on my feet.
I didn't dare turn on the nightlight and wake my wife,
for the last time I did that, she threatened my life.
The house was dead quiet; I could not hear a sound
as I ventured downstairs, feeling my way around.
I got to the living room, stumbling a few times,
then I heard music that sounded like Christmas chimes.
So, I went to the window and pulled back the drapes,
thinking the neighbors were playing some Christmas tapes.
I forgot I was as naked as a jaybird;
till I heard the loudest scream I had ever heard.
The church quire was midnight-caroling on my lawn,
and in plain view, I stood bare-assed, not a stitch on.
Judging by the faces I saw scrambling to leave,
I don't think they'll ever forget this Christmas Eve.
It was never my intent to flash anyone,
I simply wanted a ham and cheese on a bun.