Best Danged Poems
Shelly said that Darlene said that
Tina said that you are an ignorant fool.
So?
Jinny said that Zinna was rolling her eyes at you.
Farina said you have cooties.
So?
Do you want to hear what Allie said about you?
No, thanks.
Minnie said….
“I don’t want to hear it,” I tell her, skipping away.
“You are a poppie butt!” she yells after me.
Thank you, I yell back.
“You are CRAZY!” she hollers, angry now.
“THANK YOU!” I yell louder.
“They were talking trash about you,” my friend tells me.
Wait a second. This is my friend?
“Are you going to talk to them about it?”
No.
Are you going to fight them?
I throw back my head and laugh.
Once I mastered the skip away, the stay away and the thank you
Bullies had no power over me.
They started bothering others.
I try to teach my friends
Bullies will leave you alone
If they don’t think you are getting mad or sad.
Being so danged light skinned .
I had a terrible time mastering
Those telling pink cheeks.
I had to practice with
Trusted friends,
By letting them calling
Me names and practicing
My strategies.
The Keep Away.
The Skip Away.
The Thank You.
Believe me,
I now have it right.
No one bothers
Me now.
It’s simply
No
Damned
Fun.
(song lyrics)
Verse 1:
Now I can’t go fishin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my rod and reel
Can’t go snow-racin’, ‘cuz ya’ sold my snowmobile
And I got flaws - that’s for sure - and sometimes run amuck
But the final straw that I can’t take: Ya’ sold my pickup truck
Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far
Verse 2:
I didn’t care when ya’ bought that stuff on TV’s QVC
Or ‘cause ya’ always thought of me as your private Money Tree
Or catalog-orderin’ ever’thing from within ol’ Sears Roebuck
But I’ll be danged if I’ll sit still since ya’ sold my pickup truck!
Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far
Verse 3:
So I went and saw a gypsy gal, and a curse on you imposed
To put sand in your chewin' gum and runners in your panty hose
And all your clothes and accessories to never, ever match
And chiggers in your bed sheets - so you’ll always have to scratch!
Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far
Verse 4:
I seen ya’ last Saturday night at Bubba’s Bar and Grill
The image of you in stripes and checks remains within me still
And them red chigger welts upon your nose and face
Tells me that the gypsy curse is workin’ ever’ place!
Chorus:
You can burn the house, shoot my dog and stomp my ol’ guitar
But when you sold my pickup truck, well, Honey, ya’ went too far
George and his stupid acorns.
He has no sense of boundaries--
danged things falling on my head.
And Celia. She thinks she's all that
with her new clothes: red, yellow,
green, orange. How passe!
And then Baldy, the coward,
so afraid of winter he went stark
naked even before fall started.
And here come those helicopters again,
courtesy of Myrtle the maple.
They get into absolutely everything.
Sometimes I think I'm the only one with
any sense around here. You won't
see MY leaves going all psychedelic
or turning brown or flying helicopters.
Me? I stay green all year round, and
I don't go dropping leaves and nuts
all over the place. Sure, I have cones,
but they're actually more like accessories.
You can use them in arts and crafts
and as Christmas ornaments,
Speaking of Christmas, what month is it?
November you say? Late November?
Wait! What are you going to do with that ax?
Hey, let's talk about this...
8/24/15
I’ma tell you folks a story
It’s all of it strait true-
It’s my story
‘bout why I’s singin’ the blues…
I awoke on a morning
Bright and shiny, night after the juke
Felt like I been kicked in tha head
And my brain had been nuked
I was rolling to the john to take my morning ’due
When I looked in tha mirr'-
As I do to shave of’n that beard
An I screamed ‘cause there was a girl!
Staring back at me blond pipe curls
Even had some pearls
I screamed and jumped back
As I fell in the toilet swirl!
I got no shame
SHAME
I got no shame
SHAME
My Mamma yelling at me
Terrance, that bet not be a girl
Not in this house- I ain’t running no hotel
I says “No Mama, , I just had to hurl”
She said Son- “what’d I tell you about this world-”
Mama swearing in the background talking about
Callin the preacher
I hopped out the window
In all Holy Terror and Fear
I got no shame
SHAME
I got no shame
SHAME
Now, I was raised with the bible
But took another path
Follow the way of evil men
Messing with ev’ry girl that walks past
Guess God done caught up with me
As I stand staring at my breasteses
In this very danged mirror
Where I was always and b'fore
a man for 45 year'!
Cause I had no shame
SHAME
I had no shame
SHAME!
And Lordy I been been framed-
Cause I HAD no shame
( Meant to be used in a 4/4 beat blues riff)
Well, I read in the paper today that Senator Feinstein has again gone berserk!
With the plethora of problems we have, she wants to give chickens a perk!
Never mind that millions of souls are out of work and on food stamps rely!
She opts to pursue the plight of chickens ignoring the needs of we small "fry!"
Seems she deems chickens' cages far too small for them to flap their wings!
The Constitution provides for freedom of speech and religion among other things,
But danged if I was aware that chickens had any such Constitutional rights!
This is taking our precious freedoms to unexplored and dangerous heights!
Perhaps "Maam" Feinstein is wooing votes from chicken pressure groups,
Crying "foul" for the right to improve living conditions in their cozy coops!
Her legislation increases fowls' living area to 144 square inches of space!
She deems the way egg-laying hens now exist is an utter disgrace!
Let me hasten to say that for all of God's creatures I have great compassion,
But the nation is headed for Hades! Must the quandary of hens be our passion?
Her statute requires eggs to be labeled so we'll know how hens were raised.
And the size of henhouses must be increased! La-de-da and the Lord be praised!
Senator, may I suggest that you find something more productive to do,
Such as protecting our borders and providing for the hungry and homeless too!
I don't recall that chickens can vote! (Perhaps that is open for future debates!)
Yours is a "half-cracked" plan being dished out on our overly-saturated plates!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Cap'n & the Wench *part the fourth*
Says the Wench t'the Cap'n "Me thinks I'll 'ave me some White Lightnin' "
So says the Cap'n t'the Wench "Go right ahead Me Dear~
Fer y've ne'er been quite so Frightnin' "
With an Evil Grin & a Twinkle in his Eye~
So's the Wench did notice & then By & By~
& did say to the Cap'n "Be mindin' Yer P's & Q's!"
"Fer Me's the Wench what Decides that which Ye Do!"
"Yer no Grinnin'Porpoise & that there's no Danged Flipper!"
"Har!" says the Cap'n ~ "I am though the Skipper!"
The Wench danced along the Bowsprit of the Great Vessel that Night~
Whilst Mighty SeaWolf stormed along the Decks with all of his Might~
Sails which had lay flat now filled Fastly with Breeze~
Now came that night most Confused sort of Seas~
The Great ship did lay over as Far as she'd Go~
And 'twas the Wench who no longer Ran to & Fro~
Now did those geat waves Break o'er the Ship
Not even the the Great SeaWolf could give 'em the Slip~
Upon the Great Ship and all Her Captain & Crew~
Had befallen the luck Uncommon to but a Few~
For the Great Ship No longer Sailed O'er the Oceans~
And the Mighty SeaWolf drifted toward other Notions~
Says the Wench to the Cap'n "Me thinks I'll rap ya up side o'yer Head!"
So says the Cap'n to the Wench "Go right ahead Me Dear!~
Fer 'twas you brung young Mimi to Bed!"
With an Evil Grin & a Twinkle in his Eye~
So's the Wench did notice & then By & By~
& did say to the Cap'n "Be mindin' Yer P's & Q's!"
"Fer Me's the Wench what Decides that which Ye Do!"
"Yer no Grinnin'Porpoise & that there's no Danged Flipper!"
"Har!" says the Cap'n ~ "I am No Longer the Skipper!"
The Great Ship is Never Seen Sailin' Agin on the Seas....
Spirits were Never that with which this Hardy Wench to Please!
SeaWolf
"Cap'n & the Wench" *part the first*
Says the Wench to the Cap'n "I thinks I'll have Me a Beer!"
So says the Cap'n to the Wench " Go right ahead Me Dear!"
With an Evil Grin & a Twinkle in his Eye~
So's the Wench did notice & then by & by~
Did say to the Cap'n "Be mindin' Yer P's & Q's!"
"Fer Me's the Wench what Decides that which Ye do!"
"Fer Yer no Porpoise & that there's no Danged Flipper!"
"Har!" says the Cap'n ~ "I am though the Skipper!"
The Wench did then Tumble down the Companionway....
The Cap'n figgered was his time now to Play....
'Round & 'Round to the Foc'sl they Wrestled....
Twere Both quite Surprised when in the Crow's Nest they Nestled!
The Mighty North Wind did so Howl that Wild Night....
The Great Ship did Roll with Nary a Wave in Sight....
When then there was a Tremendous Bolt from the Blue....
"Har!" Says the Wench "'Twas Me I figgered Ye knew!"
The Ol' Cap'n was all a'Shivered from Timber to Timber....
"Nay not to Worry" says the Wench "I'll be gettin' ye Limber!"
Now the Rest o'this Tale is Told from Time to Time....
The Ending is always said to be Mighty Rightly So Fine.....
The Great Ship is Seen Oft enough Sailin' Again on the Seas....
With Always enough Beer with which that Hardy Wench to Please!
SeaWolf
©
Cap'n & the Wench *part the second*
Says the Wench to the Cap'n "I thinks I'll have Me a Tequila!"
So says the Cap'n to the Wench "Go right ahead Me Dear~
I'll be hard a'lee ta feel Ya!"
With an Evil Grin & a Twinkle in his Eye~
So's the Wench did notice & then By & By~
& did say to the Cap'n "Be mindin' Yer P's & Q's!"
"Fer Me's the Wench what Decides that which Ye Do!"
"Yer no Grinnin'Porpoise & that there's no Danged Flipper!"
"Har!" says the Cap'n ~ "I am though the Skipper!"
The Wench ran afo'rd from foc'sl to the Sprit~
The Cap'n knew this'n Wouldn't Swoon & Quit~
Up & Down all Headstays~Chasin' Each Other Fast~
'Til all Sharks in the Channels were Quite Aft Aghast~
The Mighty North Wind did so Howl that Wild Stormy Night....
The Great Ship did Roll with Nary a Wave in Sight....
When then there a'sudden was a Tremendous Bolt from Darkened Blue....
"Har!" Says the Wench " ~ 'Twas Me... I Figgered Ye Knew!"
Now & Then that Cap'n was so rightfully a'Top~
Yet Lil'Wench was the One Who simply wouldn't Stop!~
She Screamed from the MastHead & Hollered from the Riggin'~
Har! Mighty Cap'n let's keep on just a'Friggin'!
The Ol' Cap'n soon Found Hisself Danglin' from the Mizzen~
Only that which Held 'im Fast had Now completely Risen!
Slidin' down the Backstay was the Only Proper Choice~
Fer the Wench's Little Thighs were Stronger than her Voice!
Now in Ports where all Pyrates finally to a Dock come a'Side~
Ne'er does a Man or Woman really Know how was that Wild Ride~
Now the Bows & the Belly of the Ship were Finally Quiet~
The Wench had gone Below with Her Bellyachin' Pyrate!
The Great Ship is Seen Oft enough Sailin' Agin on the Seas....
With Always enough Tequila with which that Hardy Wench to Please!
SeaWolf
ATLANTIS RISES
After 7000 years old Atlantis alluva sudden come up yesterday
Popped up – skinny end first – like a cork
No time ta think o’ displaced water tidal waves all that stuff
Shot up not a periscope o’ warnin’ ner nothin’
Saucer strip in plain sight
Climbed so many miles in the sky a drippin’ like mad
And belly-flopped right where they said it useta be
Scared hell outa 10,000 boy scouts at Disney World
Gotta be one o’ tha best danged things ever happened to the east
coast what with the shows all movin’ ta Californee.
OLD ATLANTIS
THERE SHE FLOATS
THERE SHE BE BOY
THAR SHE BLOWS!
They dispatched a team o’ guys from Wood’s Hole right away
Claimed her right away fer the old U S of A
That Plato he weren’t no dumbbell
He knew
Oughta eerect a statchew right on Poseidon’s front lawn in front o’
the Grand Canal.
I didn’t see all this ya know
Onlyest seen what’s in the mornin’ paper
Front page pitchers o’ them muddy mountains and a tanker use ta
be sittin’ on the ocean floor.
Well golldang! They’re gonna put up a big mewseeum so’s as
folks kin git a good look so’s they kin touch all that crust
stuff.
What with the ice caps a meltin who knows folks may be
movin back to old Atlantis
Wouldn’t ya know it now folks is a talkin’ bout a place called
Mu
I tell ya…………………………………..
Cap'n & the Wench *part the third*
Says the Wench t'the Cap'n "Me thinks I'll have me a Gin!"
So says the Cap'n t'the Wench " Go right ahead Me Dear~
Fer now I'll surely Win!"
With an Evil Grin & a Twinkle in his Eye~
So's the Wench did notice & then By & By~
& did say to the Cap'n "Be mindin' Yer P's & Q's!"
"Fer Me's the Wench what Decides that which Ye Do!"
"Yer no Grinnin'Porpoise & that there's no Danged Flipper!"
"Har!" says the Cap'n ~ "I am though the Skipper!"
The Wench ran B'low to the Galley fer Sure!
The Cap'n did follow yet His Timin' was Poor!
She'd already laid 'er hands on that Bottle O'Gin~
So Mightily Fast She did give the Skipper a Spin!
Once for a Second this Pyrate did Think~
That Fer Sure He was Now on the Very Brink!
But Nay was the Word passed Along from the Deck~
Fer the Wench had decided~ "Aaaarrrrggghhhh! What the Heck!"
She sat Calmly at the Helm givin' the Great Wheel a Turn~
Fer surely She was decidin' this Ol'SeaWolf to Spurn!
When Lo & Behold the Cap'n Sauntered to the Cockpit~
And 'twas Plain to see he was a'Chompin at the Bit!
Grabs the Wench He does with Muscle & Sinew~
"I'd rather Lil'Wench Ye Stuck to the Brew!
Fer Yer Manner is Bold and Wild without Reason~
And 'tis a Great Job O'Work fer Ye to be a'Pleasin!"
Now the Wench did Ponder a Moment or Two~
Whilst the Sky sent Forth a Bolt from the Blue~
She'd wondered what it was had Caused her to Forgit~
That which She'd a'wanted fer a Tiny lil' Bit!
Up Jumped She & Bolted off to the Deck!
Just as the Cap'n was givin' her a Peck!
Now this was all 'twas needed to Bring to Mind~
That which this Wench sorely needed to Find!
Now in Ports where all Pyrates finally to a Dock come a'Side~
Ne'er does a Man or Woman really Know how was that Wild Ride~
Now the Bows & the Belly of the Ship were Finally Quiet~
The Wench had gone Below with Her Bellyachin' Pyrate!
The Moon did Rise with Splendor that very Night~
Throughout the Great Ship 'twas the Only Light!
For the Cap'n & his Wench had Decided to Tease~
And this Was the Way They each Other did Please!
The Great Ship is Seen Oft enough Sailin' Agin on the Seas....
With Always enough Gin with which that Hardy Wench to Please!
SeaWolf
We big, tough, well-thinking male bearberries blew and we snarled and we spouted and we blew.
But those danged dandelions obstinately kept their tops on, no matter how much we did fuss.
Come on fellas, I said to my fellow bearberries. Here is just what we’ll do…
“I’m not taking them!” I screamed at B.B.2, our leader, a passive little cuss.
I was talking about those damned tiger lilies, our groupies.
I am so sorry Tiger Lilies, he told them. It’s just us bear berries today. He shot an apologetic look to T.L. 1 and T.L. 402.
I am sick and tired of my whole life being video- recorded by those selfie-taking nut-buckets, I told him, indignant, and with an angry face.
They will clean your house, wash your floors, pay your bills, wax your car, and do your laundry, said B.B. 2.
I don’t care if my house implodes on its dirtiness, I retorted. Just keep them in their place.
I was talking about those damned tiger lilies, our groupies.
Tiger Lily 58 sneaked back into the Bearberry Lodge, where Tiger Lilies are never supposed to be.
We did not see her at first as she used her invisibility tablet to reach us; I felt her heat on the back of my neck, before I saw her.
She began to give me a really nice, warm, massage and sweet backrub which was the best I had had times three.
Wow! What is that? I asked myself, as I began getting tingly and happy all over, and down under.
I guess I was talking about these wonderful tiger lilies, our allies.
My dad had told me a long time ago that the best pairings in the meadow was always a BB and a T.L.
Who are you? I whispered to Tiger Q. Lily 58. I am your soul mate, she responded, can you please meet me at 2?
Where? I wondered, and she immediately conveyed that she would be at northern rise of Bunny P. Hill.
I will be there with my matching rings, I told her. Are you ready? Yes, she agreed. No one else will do.
I am now hitched to a wonderful tiger lily, and all my mean thoughts
toward T.L.'s seem pretty damned silly.
(And I don’t care whether or not the dandelions ever lose their
tops. They are of no use to me now.)
Dated: May 12,2018
Moses led the Israelites up out of Egypt through the desert to the Promised Land.
He hesitated but God roared, "Mo, you the man!" placing a magic staff in his hand!
So Moses with resolute stride led the rowdy bunch to the land of milk and honey,
Muttering to himself, "Danged if I'll ever do this again for any amount of money!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
When Simple Simon met the pieman going to the fair,
He thought the guy an easy mark he could con out of his wares.
But the pieman glared at him and hissed,
"Bub, I ain't no danged pie-lanthropist!
Admit I must, you've got some crust,
But show me dough and then my wares I'll share."
“Long time na see Jim”
“Yip Long time na see Jake”
“D’ja see?”
“What?”
“John Critchuns ‘n that danged Big White o’ his”
“Caint say as I did”
“They oughta be a law ‘gainst brangin’ cats inta tha saloon
But he’s niver without his dang cat
Don’t care ‘bout tha law
Men in here should cumplain
‘Cep John’s mighty fast on tha draw”
“Yip”
“That thing’ll walk around top a poker table
Flashin’ them big white teeth hisssn yet
Dang thing’s sa careful not ta spill a chip
Niver seen tha like”
“Oh yeh?”
“He’ll perch on John’s shoulder lick his ear
Don’t bother John none”
“Hmmm?”
“Niver seen no cat sa big sa white sa downright mean
Meanest cat I ever seen!
Whatcha lookin at me thata way fer?”
“Hmmm?”
“Ya keep scratchin yer head”
“Yip
It’s strange”
“What’s strange?”
“When’s tha las time ya seen Big White?
“Why jis las night why?
“Member tha gun fight six weeks ago
When tha Deeler boys held up tha stage out near Castle Rock?”
“Yip”
“Weel I was there
I was there when John Critchuns and Big White saved tha day
Big White went fer Luke Deeler jist as he uz pickin at the money box lock
Critchuns drew on Luke too
Then Pete Deeler brained Big White ith a rock”
“Dead?”
“Damn sure!
Caved in his friggin head!”
Grandpa’s barn held many secrets
We were cautioned to never open the boxes out there
We figured there were skulls and bodies in them.
When we were six we opened some
Found report cards but did not understand the A’s and B’s.
We were graded with S’s and G’s at the time.
Took them to Grandpa who explained them this way.
A for awful, B for Bad, C for Correct, D for danged Good and F for fine.
Grandma had been an awful student!