Best Crikey Poems
Once there was dingo, rabidly mad as he could be
who thought he was a Bruce of a man by how he spoke
But no man would call him their 'mate,' for you see...
he was a mongrel dog who pretended to be a bloke
The dingo who called himself 'Keefer,' was all talk-no bite
got caught chasing a galah (chicken) for want of a feast.
But ol' Keef got clawed by the rooster night after night
He was a drongo (fool) who thought he was a beast.
"Crikey!" I heard real men screaming from inside a bar
when they laughed at Keef wearing daks (male trousers)
He tucked his tail and ran from feathering with hot tar
"Get out, ya Hoon (hooligan)! We scorn rabble-rousers!
Keef was a loud mouth when he was blotto (inebriated)
Downing snag (sausages) and guzzling frothy (beer).
Tried to mate with a sheila (girl) but he'd been castrated.
Fair dinkum (that's true). He was neutered last year.
Some say he likes wearing female clothes, they swear.
He's such a hostile dingo, telling them to 'Rack OFF!'
But there's pictures of him in knickers (ladie's underwear).
and some of him before his little stub was sawed off.
I guess sometimes he gets to feeling clucky (maternal)
cuz he uses phrases like 'mother this and mother that.'
Looks like he'll end up some place heated and infernal
Dingo Keef's punishment for hurling all those brickbats.
A rabid dingo, that fool proved to be a fizzer (fizzled out)
His rants and threats to beat guys up were just a joke,
who was well-known as a bogan (hick) and a social lout
who accepted the truth. Ol' Keefer is now socially 'woke.'
Last I heard of him, he'd taken up with a mate called, Roo.
Another misfit creature roaming around in the outback
He played for hours each night, blowing into his digeridoo
because he couldn't stand Keef's braggin' and talkin' smack.
Roo felt relieved when the dingo, kinky Keefer disappeared
The one who'd been called 'the blunder from down under.
He'd mumbled for days about Milton Creek and Roo feared
that dingbat dingo would try to tear that town asunder.
In the land of Oz, we're all fair dinkum,
Every bloke, Sheila and Healer too.
By crikey mate, if you get us started,
You'll regret the day I guarantee you.
In bonza days some may call hard yakka,
With an esky chockers and a barbie that blares.
Strewth! I tell you even our bogans are grouse,
Where else can you find platypodes and Koala Bears?
So spend an arvo or two and don't be a bludger,
Smoke a durry and blow the froth off a few.
You'll be saying "Man, that was a bloody ripper",
So get off your dunny and tell a furphy or two!
If you're thinkin' of comin' over, but not too sure,
Just have a go, ya mug, you may just find.
The best place to go walkabout and make new friends,
But don't be a goose and leave your goon bag behind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're as Aussie as "You Beaut",
We're as Aussie as the Holden ute.
We're as Aussie as a kangaroo,
We're as Aussie as we're "True Blue".
Looked up this morning, no clouds overhead
So happy I screamed like a banshee
What greater seduction than smelling fresh air
With the breeze caressing my gee-gee
As I stand here naked as the day I was born
Only one thing has entered my psyche
Put on some clothes, you silly old twit
Your gee-gee is frozen, by crikey
Must have been a great party last night
Can't remember my first or last name
As I take a quick peek at my poor little gee-gee
Must have played some pretty rough games
Sure hope I don't get that hammered again
Can someone please find me some clothes
I'll quietly ride off in my beat up jalopy
In case to some girlie I proposed
© Jack Ellison 2013
D'ya know any people who are always right
Are they annoying creatures or what
Wonder who made them a walking thesaurus
They sure make my blood run hot
Love to poke holes in what they're saying
Proving that they ain't infallible
Jump at any chance to prove these guys wrong
To be right every time is impossible
Engaging these people in normal conversation
Is frustrating and hard on the psyche
You wanna shout and yell naughty words
And physically harm them, by crikey
Best thing to do is just try to remain calm
Dispute everything they're saying
Drives them batty and they blow their stack
As around the issue you go skating
A naughty and devious man I am
Get a chuckle out of seeing 'em rage
Sure serves 'em right for being so arrogant
Must be the attention they crave
Plenty of room in « Le Foot »* for Soccer
For Doug Vinson at PoetrySoup.com
I
Not long ago King Pelé
Set “le foot” in America
Today his peoples’ muted “Olé”!
Rue the day at Maracana
Now from coast to conniving coast
Your Can-Can gals kick “le balon”*
No Wall in between the goal-posts
To win at summit many a “galon”*
Alright! Keep your cherished football
Iced-hoc-key bounced balls in basket
But let echo corked-leather on “saule”*
Crikey! "le cri-cri"* of “le cricket”
II
Tremble at the hakka-cry of the All Blacks
Cringe before Aussie toughs at Springbok élan
And let them romp with the Six-Nation packs
Over your greens with fifteen Argentinian
Call out to the run-machine Little Master*
And let his blade flash home-runs tout azimut
Over heads of fielders spectators and trainer
And let your millions throb and catapult
Your new knights sans armour in world arena
And gasp at fresh records topple centuries*
On pitch and turf in Tests across suburbia
And join the world in friendly rivalries.
*"Le Foot"or "Le Fut": French for football/soccer.
*"le balon": French for ball.
*"le(s) galon(s)": French for "stripes" as in "to win one's stripes in battle" (gagné ses galons au combat) .
*"le saule": French for the willow tree. "Willow" is metonymy for the cricket bat as the latter is made from the tree.
*"le cri-cri": familiar French for "le grillon", the insect cricket.
*"Little Master", sobriquet of Sachin Tendulkar, the retired legendary Indian test-cricketer, the counterpart of the Brazilian Pelé in soccer. See my poem: "The Little Master: Sachin Tendulkar", my most-read ever poem.
*"centuries": batting records in cricket run into a few centuries, mostly in five-day international test-matches.
(c) T. Wignesan - Paris, 2017
A memory I'll NEVER forget, by crikey
Jackie stealing home, my hero almighty
Eleven at the time
Baseball's ultimate crime
Forever and always etched in my psyche
(With the old Montreal Royals of the International League in 1946)
Maralinga, Maralinga,
where the white mans fire still burns,
Where atomic radiation made the little creatures squirm,
Where walked old Nooran Gurra with the Emu fella dance,
Where the bloody fire an brimstone didn't give em any chance,
bloody radiation, awful fire of death still burns,
An his bone are bleaching whiter,
Has his spirit come to terms,
Not bloody likely,
So they give us Maralinga,
So linger longer, yes we can,
Does luekemia point the finger,
If we live upon the land.?
?? Don
yes by crikey, death and sand...
Maralinga was just one of the 1950s, British, 12 atomic blast sites, before the radiation blew to the four corners of Australia giving us the sweet subtle strontium 90 in the cows milk off the radioactive grass that the cows did eat. And the geigher counter service guy couldn't stop the counter working franticly cos the radioactive rain was falling in Brisbane in 1955...
Alice plummets down the hole, a fallin’ to no end,
She mumbles to herself these words, for she’s without a friend:
>>Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?> It hurts, by George, it hurts…
It hurts a million times and more and then it hurts again!> Hot cross buns, hot cross buns.
One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns.<<
Is there no balm in Gilead? for here I can’t find none.
Even now my grammar appears to come undone!
Bored out of my skull in my hospital bed
You’ll be here for Christmas, the consultant said
What happened next made me bubbly as Fanta
Two nurses came in, they were dressed up as Santa
My blood pressure took by a couple of flirts
With very long legs and very short skirts
One just bent over so it’s not surprising
The other one told me my blood pressure’s rising
You won’t need a Rabi, a priest or a vicar
Ain’t nothing wrong with this fella’s ticker
Its pounding away like Cozy Powell’s drums
You don’t expect nurses to have shapely bums
One licked her lips and... crikey, she’s winking
What a good job she don’t know what I’m thinking
Oh Lord, something’s happened just like I had feared
I really could do with a full knee length beard
There’s nothing gallant about what’s in my head
With them in their scanty gear, ermine and red
But I think they’ve guessed cos there ain’t no disguising
The sweat on my brow and my temperature rising
They sit on my bed and I smirk like I’m bolder
The next thing I feel is a hand on my shoulder
The Santas remain in the world of the sleepy
In this world there’s matron...
Not sexy
Just creepy
Want some toast
BLOODY OATH
My name is Logan
You call me BOGAN
GONNA buy a CHOOK
Can’t be bothered to cook
Feeling CHOC, A BLOCK
As I lay on the bed
Looking at the clock
Want a CIGGI mate
Come on it’s not too late
Touch of a baby
And I feel CLUCKY
Need I say
I’m never lucky
BBQ on let’s have a SNAG
Having a FROTHY
While we BRAG
Got a gift, I said oh CRIKEY
I nearly dropped
My fruit lichee
G’DAY MATE, YA got the time
YEAH, it’s half past 9
Go outside with my BROLLY
Daughter is coming with her dolly
This poem is TRUE BLUE
SEE YA LATER
IM SHOOTING THOUGH
So much more I can add to this
I’ll end it here with a kiss xx
Crikey mates, I don't know what to make?
I'm pretty sure this platty; has a tummy ache
Puddin begged his friends for relief and aid;
Perhaps it was the worm stew; or shrimp cocktail he had made?
No matter what it was; in his belly, the price was being paid
Koala, and Roo good friends that they are, came to render assistance
But first; they sequestered the iPad from Roos, Joey, with much resistance
"It says here you're a mammal." Koala read from the screen
We should find the answers in no time; to why your tum tum, is being so mean
Roo asked him directly; "What have you eaten this fine day?"
To which the platty replied; with a shrug, "Whatever gets in my way"
When at that very moment, Koala's jaw began to drop!
Which took longer; then a three toe sloth, to reach full stop
Puddin, "You can't have something that you don't possess"
Your insides are without a stomach; a one-way food poo, express!
Svetlana appeared on my computer today
She’s so pretty, it can’t be denied
But I'm happily married for 26 years
So I don’t need an Internet bride!
Oh crikey an email advert has just popped up
It’s one that I’m embarrased to mention
But I’m female (I’ve checked) and I’m certain
That I don’t need a penile extension!
A some what tongue in cheek poem
05~22~17
Tube Ambition
I wanna be one under,
I bin' thinkin' it's the safest bet;
I haven't the skill to get any thrill,
From being on this planet.
Yea, I done tole me Ma,
She said "yor jes like yor Da";
"He went an don it and how
We slum it, go on, leave me now."
I wanna be one under,
Famous, y'know, for a while;
Can see me photo, in the Metro,
So I'll try to keep on a smile.
Yeah, don' say I'm not ambitious,
I may be on the dole;
But I can get in them history books,
By bein' in a hole.
I wanna be one under,
I tole my friends the same;
But now the blasted tube's on strike,
My plans are done today.
Yeah, I used to be a no-gooder,
But now I found what I like;
I'm cyclin' through the streets of London,
Thank crikey for Boris's bike !
I don' wanna be one under,
What, me, I'm under progression;
I've seen the worst, now time for best,
Forget the bloody recession.
Watch lots of TV but stay away from those news stations
Nature and historical programs are my current obsession
Much better for my psyche
Happy as poop by crikey!
At times watch cartoons, maybe twelve times out of eleven
I was in love with the most lovable sheila
but she did darn take off with me heeler
Overnight, she had packnd their bags
not just me dog, gone too with me scallywags
Left with just a simple note
she had found a more loving bloke
Heartbroken to have lost them all
I gave me mate Bluey a call
Together we drank more than just a slab
ending up so hammered, he had to call us a cab
As the lonely days passed and tears filled me eyes
by crikey it hit me, suddenly I came to realise
What a bloomin idiot, she deserved such love and respect
every night boozin with me mates, my true love I did neglect
I'm gunna cut out me drinkin and win her heart back
fair dinkum fella's, you can flamin bet on that!