Warm yellow light.
Chilly, for indoor.
Soft, soothing, piano.
Music—
Door slides open.
A man walks in, his eyes—
Rain’s wailing outside.
He talks to the nurse.
His voice hoarse like sand—
Flash, lightening.
Raindrops darken the dusty walk—
Thunder.
He sinks into the bench beside me.
Stinging smell of cigarette butts—
Another thunder.
Door slides close and muffles it.
Nurse says my name.
I walk into the doctor’s—
A muffled thunder.
I don’t remember seeing the lightning.
_____________
Note: Dysautonomia is a disorder of the autonomic nervous system, often causing brain fog, anxiety, and sensory overload.
The defense is automatic
Actions, autonomic
Devoted to the cause, charismatic
Emotions for all seasons, climatic
I weary,
I smile
I compliment, silently
I advise
I encourage
l congratulate, mutely
l feel
I break
l heal, repeatedly
I love
I pray
I hope, constantly
My feelings
My devotion
My actions, unsolicited.
Antelope graze the savanna,
Without a care in the world,
For literal lack of imagination.
Languishing in a morning moment,
The herd simply enjoys its munching.
Something else wafts on air,
Some chemosignal delectably taboo.
Sweat beads trickle down his temples.
Savanna creatures pay no heed,
While mysterious molecules send and prime.
Stress triggers a downward spiral,
Hit as if hunted, not the hunter.
Amygdala on overdrive, panting,
Heart pumping to limbic arrhythmia.
Such dark surreal safari is unexpected.
Predator feared is no leopard, no cheetah.
May as well be his reflection in the mirror.
Elusive yet eventual, relentless - inevitable.
Calm now, as I elicit the parasympathetic.
I am a safe sacred space where you have come to rest.
-ARCantu, 05/22/2023
Purpose needs a point
North and South poles firm
Directing movement
When alone poles go nowhere
My compass spins without rest
Hoping true North is out there
Even geese know where South lies
Where love's direction is fixed
Northern lights ionize homes
Seekers need magnets
Autonomic pull
Zenith found within
Purposeless alone
Waiting for magnetism
My azimuth torn
* This poem was inspired by Jay Narain's masterful take on haiku. I'm attempting a different style of haiku poetry in response.
* Proverbs 20:5 "The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."
Like a dense block of ice
Encapsulating my heart
My feelings are frozen
Until I escape this moment in the dark
When traumatic events occur
I feel my temperature drop
One degree, two degree
It's a autonomic response I can't stop
As I begin to clarify my internal words
The ice begins to thaw
The tears streaming from my eyes
I feel as if i'm being called
Called to love life - live life
Called to let go of all of the pain
Called to serve others
Let the ice melt, life will never be the same
My heart has been revived
It’s beat is strong
I now have an opportunity
To live this life - and be better for it all
He appears in a photograph of his life
there are no faces, nor anyone
who lived in a memory.
Images develop.
That long table was a smorgasbord
where he left only bones and crumbs.
There is a mirror on a transparent wall
behind it old men listen to lounge music
as they play cards.
The gamblers have his personal details
written on the same pocket notebooks
they keep score on.
Under the beer stained carpet
is an underlay of his history
he has seen the foot traffic come and go
his prints are everywhere.
He takes pictures, needing not to look at them
they were after all, all the same
just different venues, furnishings, landscapes.
Cigarette butts stuck into sand buckets,
line the walls of a diffuse composition
the place reeks of long nights
inside a nicotinic mind.
He photographs the cholinergic receptors
of his autonomic ganglia.
The exit is that way,
the door next to the empty fire extinguisher.
When he goes out
the fresh cold air burns all the negatives
in a Box Brownie.
Hubris and centrism are forever hook and mitt
A myriad of players does seemingly afflict
Resenting green eyes now focusing in
Rocks tangled with glass and taken square on the chin
Petulant stance, the recreants cry
Transitorily deuced with an inquisitive why
Posturing accepted, a haughty delivery in the night
Furtive and devious, and not very bright
Mystified clearly, network disrupted
Vista on essence, simply corrupted
Spiteful in pattern, indifferent and rude
Coercion les enlist, poultry and crude
Yeah lesson concluded and left to reflect
Degree obtained, autonomic architect
Every posterior, leered and showcased for thee
Closing of view and this third degree
Worrying about today
Unaware of the now
Such a travesty in life
It makes you wonder how
Preoccupation of a thought
Infectious cognitive disease
Autonomic habitual patterns
Dire; never pleased
Clarify your perspective
Learn to trust your gut
See through a clear glass lens
Rest assured - you’ll have good luck
The sky begins to open
Miles and miles of clear blue sky
Deep breaths in troubled moments
No more need to wonder why
Love possesses a soul of it's own,
organic and autonomic
It propagate waves of attraction,
moving strangers closer to the sphere of friends
Thus you and I became ...
Feeling the elliptical bond of mutual desire,
we steadily, over time, moved past the platonic,
into the sublimated hot zone of privacy ...
Together alone
I energized into the matrix of you,
and you molecular phased into me
Thus we became one soul entity
I fell into the gravity well of your heart,
and you lessened the density of your core integration ...
letting me easily pass through the membrane of your mind,
by way of mental osmosis
Thus you and I became ...
Our sum greater than our parts,
our combined love weighed greater than our hearts
As I look through your eyes,
I see life in a completely new dimension of sensation
As you gaze through my eyes,
you observe the spiritual revelation of love's elevation
And thus we two became ...
One with the universe
We became
one with all things
last and first
'Migraine Pain'
Tinnitus won't you please shut up
Migraine puke in nearest cup
Bright lights, please shine another day
Smells so strong just go away
Autonomic failure, hard to breathe
Heart beat faster makes me seethe
Dizzy, falling, must lie in bed
As throbbing, knocks inside my head
Pain take your course through someone else
As showers down like hailstorm pelts
Clouding over, feel my storm
Lie here wait in bed thats warm
Sunnies on in darkest room
Quietest sound so loud does boom
Energy wiped no matter the sleep
No strength left in me to weep
pain misdiagnosed for three years
encouraging prognoses based on lies
wish I could return to more carefree days
but now I know neuropathy has my life on the line
pain subsides as numbness sets in
in time I’ll feel nothing at all
but the bliss of eternal life
when my autonomic nervous system shuts down
no fear, no tears
just expectation
reuniting with loved ones who passed
sharing love that never dies
in the spirit world
my final destination
*Entry for LeighAnn’s “Afflictions” Contest
The autonomic response seeks a trigger
within familiar brainwave states of being
to toss aside the conflict of conscience
inherit behind the valor of mortal peril.
A batting eye or moistened lip sends
corpuscles on a dance of endorphins
pattering in time to the mother pulse
that stirs the fiber of chattering bone
defiant beneath flexing musculature
soaking up lipids and protein strands
to quake the bleached core of form
that lines us erect with proud notions.
Within the field directing our gait
are ricochet messages from cohorts
and scoundrels with intent on returns
reigning dominion over human action.
The structure of the machine grinds
regardless of purpose or preference
until cellular matter loses gelatinous
resistance from such bombardment
of sigil energy and profit centers in
constant dialogue with all instincts
selectively pursuing black or white
in balance with the Boolean hoard
shaping the appropriate margins of
acceptable thought processes until
sharp knifes cure our insufferable
ideas of mitosis feeding liberation.