Disclaimer: I know that posting this blog could potentially turn other people off, but I don't mind. This was honestly one of the best ever laugh trips that I got when I first read this (and still brings out a lot of laughter in me). I do understand that this could be considerd "inflammatory" and "objectionable" but ha! For all the right and wrong reasons of my crazy, crazy mind and humor.
I really should be sleeping, or if not that, doing something else, but because I'm feeling iffy, have a bullfrog in my throat & also because I wanted to laugh (ok more like guffaw) and share--- so I went back to this favorite of mine. For those of you who missed out when I posted this almost 4 years ago, or if you were lucky (?) enough to have read this back then, let me refresh your memory--- I present to you this super. best.ever. poop.forward. that I received--
But yeah, I added a wee bit more to it just because. Plus! An extra youtube video of a real product (wow!) some of you might be familiar with this already, but what the heck, lemme go add it below (plus, in case anybody might say this blog is unrelated to anything poetic-- I am happy to say that the video actually contains haiku --well, 'loose' haiku but labeled as haiku. So there. I therefore conclude it's poetry related.)
The Different Types Of Poop
Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
The Peanut Butter Poop (smooth or chunky) ~~ This is version 2.0 of the Gooey Poop. Wiping your butt would be similar to spreading peanut butter on very crumby bread. Not. Happening. At. All.
Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Hot Pumpkin Soup Turned Burrito Poop ~~ You feel it coming, you're sure it's going to be soup-like in consistency, so you run to the toilet and boom! It's actually beef and rice burrito.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice its normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
Volcanic Poop ~~ This could actually be the kin of the Dirty Bowl Poop. What potentially starts out farts in volcanic emissions, turns into a full-blown volcanic ash and lava explosion.
The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!
The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
Ok. Mission accomplished. I'm snickering here by myself (I know, not a good sign) and oh geez, I am on that streak (?! Brown streak?!) and snickers bars. Poops.
I don't want any poop to feel left out, so please, feel free to add any that might have been missed in your comments below.
Before I forget-- here's the video I mentioned above-- quite informative, if I may say so...and I couldn't help but watch it again and again. Quite mesmerizing.