Ever since I was about 12 years old, I have been addicted to many different substances. It all started out with smoking weed for the first time. I look back on that time now and realize I was lonely. My mom was always working, and my dad, well, he was always home, but he spent all of his time in the living room watching TV. And I spent all of my time in my bedroom alone.
I can remember always wanting my mom. Whenever I was really young, I would stay at a friend's house, and around 1-2 in the morning, I would start to freak out and cry and beg for my mom to come to pick me up because I just wanted to be with her. I just felt like I had no one. And that's because I really did have no one.
And when I got high for the first time, all of those lonely feelings disappeared. Which, of course, led to other substances. I ended up being put on Adderall at the age of 13, and I have been taking some form of stimulant medication for ADD ever since. Stimulants have always been my go-to because my body doesn't naturally produce its own energy.
I'm always exhausted and fatigued to the point where I will literally sleep all day and all night every day if I don't have stimulants of some kind. At one point, I was desperate to have the energy to work to pay bills because my boyfriend was paying for everything on his own.
And well, I was disabled due to many different physical medical problems. I once sat down and wrote down every medical problem and issue I could think of, plus what was already in my medical records, and it added up to 202 problems.
No exaggeration at all. And he would blame me for us never having money, even though I never asked for anything. I had worn the same bra for 5 years. And I only had one and only 3 pairs of underwear.
I recently found out about 7 months ago that my boyfriend/husband had been hiding a lottery scratch-off ticket addiction from me. I guess he was going across the bridge to the gas station to buy scratch-off tickets daily. Spending at least $10-$15 a day. He had to buy breakfast and lunch daily because he wouldn't eat at home or pack a lunch.
But I found out that it wasn't my fault that we didn't have money. It was him the whole time. I felt betrayed because I felt like a burden to my family. And it affected me so much that I contemplated suicide many times.
And I pretty much had to be high on something to be happy. It didn't get really bad till I was about 26 years old. That's when I smoked meth for the first time. And if I wasn't addicted before that, I was really addicted now. I started using it because I needed more energy to work.
I used meth in every way possible, which includes using it intravenously. It completely took over my life. I did things I never thought I would even be capable of. I lost my boyfriend of 6 years. I can't blame him for making me leave.
However, about 2 weeks after me being gone, we started talking again. This was after he told me he didn't love me anymore, which was devastating. But we kept talking daily, and he eventually begged me to come home. But the people I was living with supplied me with dope daily all day.
So, I was stuck there due to the strong influence of the drugs. While living in a trap house, I was forced to give everyone rides everywhere because I was the only one with a vehicle. And because of this, I never got to sleep. I literally went 2 almost 3 months with a week and a half of sleep max.
Which caused me to become extremely sick. And one night, the man and woman I was living with were arguing. It was out of control, and I finally said I was done; I got up, grabbed my essentials, left, and drove the 30 minutes to my boyfriend's house. I texted him on the way there that I was finally coming home.
On the drive there, I threw my little paraphernalia bag full of my needles and cotton out of the car window on the highway. I didn't want to bring it into his house. But I did have 3 grams of meth on me that I kept hidden.
The Secrets That Held Me Closely
I was so sick at the time that every time I shot up, I would get violently sick. So, when I woke up the next day at my home, I could only snort it. My son, who was only 8 then, was living with my parents.
We decided it would be best for him to continue to live with my parents until I could get clean. Because when I didn't have the dope to shoot up, I was out of control with my anger. Because the withdrawal was so bad that I couldn't handle it.
I would get electrical shocks within my brain that almost dropped me to my knees. Eventually, I could stay clean long enough for my son to return home. And I was clean for about 4 months. But I found it very difficult to stay clean for very long.
I actually lied to my boyfriend, who is my now husband, and we've been together for almost 11 years. I relapsed and hid it from everyone. The only person who knew I was using was my brother because he, too, is a meth addict.
I used it secretly for over 3 years. However, there were occasions when I would get clean for a month or so at a time. Probably about 18 times. After about 2 years of lying to my husband about using, he found my stash of a pipe and dope I had hidden in my clothes basket.
He wanted to end the relationship again, but I was able to explain to him that being an addict, in general, is very difficult. Staying clean is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have used it longer than I haven't used it.
How Addiction Affects the Brain
Addiction affects the brain in many ways. It's pretty much a disease of decision-making. Whenever you use meth, it floods your brain with dopamine. So much dopamine, in fact, that it completely rewires the brain and how it is able to produce dopamine. Meth pretty much makes the brain produce so much dopamine that it can no longer be satisfied with normal amounts of dopamine.
So, the things that would produce dopamine in your brain to make you feel good are no longer able to work. That, and once your dopamine levels are as high as they can go, it can be impossible to reach that amount of dopamine again. Therefore, you tend to use more and more of the drugs.
Disease of Decision-Making
Since addicts cannot make good decisions because drugs have hijacked their brains, they tend to choose drugs over all of the things they love. So, if you have an addict in your family or someone close to you who is struggling with addiction, know that it's not that they don't love you; they just aren't capable of choosing you over the drugs.
And abandoning them completely is never going to get them to stop. If anything, it makes them use even more. Because they already feel ashamed, embarrassed, and lost. So, if you give up on them, it just verifies everything that they think about themselves.
That they're not worth anyone's time, they're not important, they don't matter, etc. If I could advise anyone as an addict myself, I would say be there for them. You don't have to enable them. Don't give them money or help them get their drugs.
Just love them unconditionally, especially when they are struggling the most. Tell them you will be here for them when they are ready to get help. Don't threaten to leave them if they don't get clean. One of the most important things you can do when they get clean but end up relapsing after a short time is to tell them they are doing well.
Don't automatically get mad at them and put them down for relapsing. It is normal for addicts to relapse, and I can't stress this enough MANY times. This isn't true for every addict, but most addicts relapse 10-16 times before they truly get clean.
It should absolutely be expected, and you should create a plan that you put in place to follow when they do relapse. But you should never criticize them for their failure to stay clean. This will only fuel the fire and cause them to be more hesitant to get clean again.
Count The Clean Days Together
Addicts typically keep track of the days they have been clean off of their drug of choice (DOC), and you should keep track of them, too. That way, you can periodically bring up how many days they have been clean and congratulate them.
This will encourage them to keep moving forward in their sober journey. They feel understood when they know you are invested in their ability to stay clean from a positive position. And cared for.
When an addict feels like they are being looked down upon and treated like less than a human being, they tend to delve into destructive behaviors, which can come in many forms.
Addiction and My Poetic Form
I have been writing since I was 11, and my poetry took off after turning 12. Coincidentally, that's the same age I truly became an addict. And drug use definitely shaped my poetic form. I wrote from my suffering and my shame.
In fact, a few years back, I wrote my first poetry book, "Paranoid Is Marie Poetry - Love and Misery," which illustrates all of my pain and suffering over the years. My addiction has helped me to write some of my best poetry.
To be honest, I am grateful for my addictions and how it has shaped me as a person, not only as a writer but as a mother, wife, and daughter. I would say it shaped me as a friend, too, but I have lost many of my closest friends, mostly because they are addicts, and I can't be around that type of energy anymore.
Broken Words Filter Out Fear
I have found that I feel lighter when I put pen to paper and let my emotions and feelings flow onto the paper. As if I just had a 2-hour long therapy session that revealed different important layers to my existence.
When I go long periods of time without writing, I start to grieve my old life, before my health failed me and before I became an addict, when things were just simpler. I go through this grief cycle. First, it starts with denial, then anger, then depression, then a mental breakdown, then acceptance.
This cycle happens about every 6-8 months or so. But I find that my mental breakdowns aren't as violent or intense if I write more often. And when someone reads my poetry, especially a piece that I poured my soul into, and they understand it and relate to it, it is the best high I have ever experienced.
Because being understood is all I have ever been chasing after. It's what makes me feel human. Like I have a place in this world that isn't so different from everyone else's. Do you relate to this blog post? I would love to hear about your own personal journey with poetry, addiction, mental illness, physical illness, etc.