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Grief Is So, So, So Mind Numbing - Marissa Faries's Blog

About Marissa Faries
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Marissa Faries is a neurodivergent millennial poetess. Written over a 1000 poems since she was a preteen. For the past several years her main poetic forms are crystalline, haiku/senryu, tanka, sijo, and couplets. Her neurodivergent conditions are autism, attention deficit disorder (ADD), and quiet borderline personality disorder. She is also a First Nations status Cree Canadian.

She writes poetry on many subjects to do with her personal life and inner world of thoughts and feelings. Themes included are romance, heartbreak, loneliness, depression, metaphorical or vague erotica, spirituality, and philosophical matters. She aspires to become a renowned published poetess, but finds the process to be difficult, as it is for all aspiring writers. Her personal interests are anime, astrology, video games, and art.

Marissa's spiritual belief system is all-inclusive of world religions as she found connections in all of them. She practices advanced astrology since her adolescence. Her spiritual practices are numerology, i-Ching, Tarot, oracle cards, lexigramming, meditation, binaural beats, dice fortune-telling and cartomancy. She also has the ability to dream of the future, sometimes. She believes in a Father God and a Mother Goddess. In her indigenous culture, her people believe in a Creator and practice ceremonies such as sweat lodges, night lodges, shaking tents, and praying with natural tobacco smoking.

Marissa has also had a lifelong medical history of epilepsy since infancy and her diabetes was diagnosed in her early 20's. She manages these conditions well with the proper medications. Despite all of the seizures she had through the course of her life, she still retains more than enough of her intelligence to continue writing and philosophizing. She has also lived 29 years of her life with her autism undiagnosed, having masked it as well as any autistic young women do themselves. Her goals are to lose enough weight to better manage her diabetes and to continue multivitamin and electrolyte supplementations for optimal health in the long-term.

So far in her life, she lost her paternal grandfather to pancreatic cancer in September 2021 and lost her 17-year old cousin to the drug fentanyl in May 2022. These two deaths have been a source of immense grief, but also brought on enough inspiration to write poetry to process her feelings. One of her greatest wishes is for her remaining three grandparents and her own parents to stay alive for many years to come. She also prays for the protection of her aunts, uncles, many cousins, her two siblings, and friends.

So far she is living a good life, regardless of her mental health and what may never come to be. Marissa is grateful to have the audience of PoetrySoup, as well as grateful for all of her personal connections that persist in her life.


Grief Is So, So, So Mind Numbing

Blog Posted:8/10/2022 12:02:00 AM

Another tragic loss happened this year. On May 4th, 2022, we pulled the life support plug on my underage cousin. She left behind many loved ones who were so dear to her. None of us are sure if she intentionally died, as she was having a depressive episode beforehand. But the real tragedy is it was because of a drug called fentanyl.

Myself and her mother do not blame anyone, as it was simply a bad decision she made herself. My heart is torn apart. My mind is so numb that physical pain pales in comparison to my grief and loss. I was not as close to my cousin as I should have been. But that is just because over time we drifted apart, especially due to long distance with living in different places. I honestly feel like I have no right to miss her. I sometimes wonder if she ever secretly resented me. But now her spirit is free, and in the afterlife she knows and understands everything again, I am sure.

She was a beautiful girl with a kind heart. Life gave her a lot of challenges, but she was both a fighter and a lover. I loved her because she was one of my many younger cousins. I knew her as a toddler. She was my baby (non-binary gender) sibling's friend in their toddler years. I feel so much empathy and sympathy for my auntie who misses her so deeply. My aunt doesn't deserve to feel the pain that comes with losing a child. But life and death can be unfair that way for just about anybody. It's just does not sit right to me that she died prematurely, and of drugs too.

Please, save yourselves the grief, and help any of the addicts you personally know. Do not judge them, do not blame them. Addicts suffer, addicts are human too. Show them you love them and are genuinely concerned. Nowadays, all I think is, "Do I have the right to grieve her?" It is astonishing how much this grief is affecting me, because of how distant I was all these years. But this is what grief truly is. It does not discriminate. She was an indigenous teenage girl. Every Child Matters. Not just those who died in residential schools, but also those who become addicts and victims in these times. Thank you for reading, especially if you also read my blog post on my grief about my paternal grandfather.

Rest in power, rest in paradise, rest in peace, K.K.T.

"Now my mind is outta place, yeah, uh. 'Cause I lost my faith and I feel everything. I feel everything from my body to my soul. No, no. Well, I feel everything. When I'm coming down is the most I feel alone. No, no. I've been sober for a year, now it's time for me to go back to my old ways, don't you cry for me. Thought I'd be a better man, but I lied to me and to you.

I take half a Xan' and I still stay awake. All my demons wanna pull me to my grave. I choose Vegas if they offer heaven's gate. I tried to love, but you know I'd never stay, I'd never stay. But if I OD, I want you to OD right beside me. I want you to follow right behind me. I want you to hold me while I'm smiling, while I'm dying. (...) I lost my faith. I'm losing my religion every day. Time hasn't been kind to me, I pray. When I look inside the mirror and see someone I love." -Faith, by The Weeknd

 



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Date: 8/12/2022 4:06:00 PM
So sorry for your loss, blessings ~Constance
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Date: 8/12/2022 3:48:00 AM
Marissa, so sorry for your loss, may your wonderful memories help you during this difficult time. Condolences to you and your family.
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Date: 8/10/2022 8:05:00 PM
Sorry for your loss.
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Date: 8/10/2022 5:14:00 AM
Thanks for sharing this devastating news, Marissa. I know it's not easy. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs* RIP, K.K.T
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My Past Blog Posts

 
En-Light-enment
Date Posted: 1/5/2025 5:42:00 AM
The last 27 poems, from my writing era of 2006-2018
Date Posted: 8/24/2022 6:19:00 AM
Grief Is So, So, So Mind Numbing
Date Posted: 8/10/2022 12:02:00 AM
Never Knew What Grief Truly Was, Until...
Date Posted: 8/9/2022 11:38:00 PM
So, Here's What Happened
Date Posted: 10/15/2021 6:42:00 AM

My Recent Poems

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6/17/2025 Journey On The Edge II Quatraindeath,drug,health,journey
6/17/2025 Journey On The Edge I Quatrainchildhood,death,drug,grow
6/17/2025 I Ruined Us Quatrainbreak up,heartbreak,heart
6/17/2025 Title Card Sijocharacter,hero,power,
6/17/2025 Reminded Myself Quatraincharacter,growth,
6/17/2025 After Their Deaths '21-'22 Quatraincousin,death,grandfather,
6/17/2025 Missing The Good Thing Sijobreak up,first love,i mis
5/30/2025 I Found Out Quatrainpsychological,social,
5/28/2025 Jake Tankacrush,desire,love,lust,pa
5/28/2025 Long Desired Tankacrush,desire,love,
5/28/2025 Mine Divine Nature Sijoangel,destiny,fate,space,
5/28/2025 You Didn't Want Me Quatrainbreak up,heartbreak,heart
5/28/2025 Synonymous Sijolove,lust,
5/24/2025 Mer Couple Sijoboyfriend,extended metaph
5/24/2025 His Love Song Sijoboyfriend,love,music,roma
5/24/2025 Eros Sijoboyfriend,desire,longing,
5/24/2025 Laundromat II Sijoboyfriend,extended metaph
5/24/2025 Laundromat I Sijoboyfriend,extended metaph
5/24/2025 A Consistent Love Crystallineboyfriend,dedication,devo
5/24/2025 Patience, Truth, And Grace Sijoboyfriend,love,social,
5/24/2025 Remake Sijoart,boyfriend,dedication,
5/24/2025 Thinking Of My Late Grandfather Quatrainaddiction,death,drug,gran
5/24/2025 Sentimentality Quatrainboyfriend,break up,lost l
5/22/2025 I Love Desserts Sijofood,
5/22/2025 Finding Love Once Again Sijocrush,love,moving on,
5/22/2025 Don't Know Why Crystallineaddiction,drug,
5/22/2025 Never Mention Him Again Sijobreak up,moving on,
5/22/2025 Tart Tankabreak up,heartbreak,heart
5/22/2025 Becoming His Boon Sijoboyfriend,
5/22/2025 Waiting In The Metaphorical Rain Quatrainlove,metaphor,
5/22/2025 Learn This Dance Sijoboyfriend,dance,metaphor,
5/22/2025 How We Are Meant To Learn From Each Other Quatrainboyfriend,love,
5/16/2025 Happy Place Tankacareer,happiness,home,job
5/16/2025 You Will Realize Quatrainboyfriend,dedication,love
5/16/2025 Bolder Beholder Sijoboyfriend,love,romance,ro
5/15/2025 Heart-Shaped Mandala Sijoboyfriend,drink,love,
5/15/2025 Small And Slow Tankaboyfriend,love,relationsh
5/15/2025 Pop Can Quatrainaddiction,depression,drin
5/15/2025 Ants Quatrainextended metaphor,humanit
5/15/2025 Unsure Of Deep Desires Sijodesire,lust,mental illnes
5/15/2025 Hopelessly Lusting Sijoboyfriend,desire,lust,pas
5/15/2025 Do You Forever Crystallineboyfriend,desire,lust,pas
5/15/2025 Although Quatrainboyfriend,dedication,devo
5/15/2025 He Always Pleasures Me Sijoboyfriend,desire,lust,pas
5/15/2025 His Song, His Kisses, His Gaze Sijoboyfriend,love,romance,ro
5/14/2025 Flame Of Love Sijoboyfriend,devotion,love,p
5/14/2025 Before We Each Headed Home Sijoboyfriend,love,romance,ro
5/14/2025 As He Rests On My Shoulder Sijoboyfriend,love,romance,ro
5/14/2025 All A Blur Crystallinebeauty,boyfriend,love,
5/14/2025 My Sweet Bumble Bee Tankaboyfriend,extended metaph
5/14/2025 I Truly Desire Us Sijoboyfriend,desire,love,lus
5/14/2025 Finally For Once Sijoboyfriend,love,poetess,ro
5/14/2025 Summer Sunset's Tints Of Pink And Blue Tankaimagery,love,nature,roman
5/14/2025 Flower Moon Sijolove,moon,romance,romanti
5/14/2025 This Newest Love Sijoboyfriend,love,romance,ro
5/13/2025 An Impassioning New Beginning Sijoboyfriend,passion,
5/13/2025 I Understand You Senryuboyfriend,
5/13/2025 Don't Mind Me Crystallineboyfriend,
5/13/2025 The Meanings Of Our Names Sijoboyfriend,dedication,
5/13/2025 What Shall Be Quatrainboyfriend,love,relationsh
5/13/2025 His Everything Quatrainboyfriend,love,meaningful
5/13/2025 Western Indian Tan Crystallinebody,boyfriend,
5/13/2025 I Still Care About U Crystallinelove,
5/13/2025 Reignited My Inner Flame Crystallineboyfriend,lust,passion,se
5/13/2025 I Just Don't Care Crystallinefunny,
5/11/2025 Heart Shards Sijoheartbreak,love,love hurt
5/11/2025 I Slowly But Swiftly Fell Quatrainboyfriend,dedication,devo
5/11/2025 After Our First Night Sijoboyfriend,lust,passion,se
5/11/2025 8-Track Quatrainboyfriend,love,music,rela
5/9/2025 I Found Myself Searching Quatrainbreak up,first love,lost
5/9/2025 I Only Wanted You Quatrainbreak up,feelings,first l
5/9/2025 Bask Crystallineaddiction,drink,drug,happ
5/8/2025 The Sun Painting The Sky Sijobeautiful,imagery,muse,na
5/6/2025 Chainsmoker Crystallineaddiction,depression,drug
5/4/2025 Tears Of Grief Crystallinedeath,dedication,deep,gri
5/3/2025 Colourful Wooden Tulips Quatrainbest friend,boyfriend,col
5/1/2025 Plasma Quatrainimagery,moon,nature,space
5/1/2025 Luscious Locks Quatrainbeauty,crush,
5/1/2025 Teal Store Tankamoney,
5/1/2025 Sway Sijoboyfriend,lust,passion,se
5/1/2025 Sultry Sijoboyfriend,kiss,lust,passi
5/1/2025 Need Him Sijoboyfriend,dedication,desi
5/1/2025 His Name Means Lover Sijoboyfriend,love,relationsh
5/1/2025 No Longer Needing You Sijobreak up,first love,movin
4/27/2025 Very Something Tankaaddiction,drug,happiness,
4/27/2025 Every Day Sijobest friend,friend,friend
4/21/2025 Without Qualm Sijoboyfriend,lust,passion,se
4/21/2025 All Of The Shades Of Blue Sijocharacter,identity,integr
4/21/2025 Transparent Teardrops Sijocry,first love,i miss you
4/21/2025 Molly Sijoaddiction,angel,drug,ligh
4/19/2025 Favor For A Favor Sijoboyfriend,lust,passion,se
4/15/2025 Powers Of Women Tankawomen,
4/15/2025 Company Of Old Men Sijofriendship,
4/15/2025 Those Jaded By Love Sijolove,
4/15/2025 Landscape Or Portrait Sijolove,pride,
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My Photos


Fav Poems

PoemTitleFormCategories
Daughter Acrosticdaughter,love,uplifting,
Frozen In Crystaline - 4 Crystallinewinter,
Seeing Autumn's Oak Adorn Crystallineautumn,birth,death,life,n
Sport Light Versededication,sports,

Fav Poets

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Cs Parker United States Flag United States Read
Abdullah Alhemaidy Saudi Arabia Flag Saudi Arabia Read

Book: Radiant Verses: A Journey Through Inspiring Poetry