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Never Knew What Grief Truly Was, Until... - Marissa Faries's Blog

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Began writing poetry at 12 years old. Poetry themes include emotional trauma, aspirations, inspirational thoughts, philosophy, spirituality, humor, metaphorical erotica, and more. Canadian Indigenous, 28 years old. Neurodivergent.

Never Knew What Grief Truly Was, Until...

Blog Posted:8/9/2022 11:38:00 PM

I never realized what grief truly was until my paternal grandfather passed on September 11, 2021. So close to my uncle and a cousin's birthdays, too. I also had my great-grandmother's spirit visit me in my grandfather's home, months before he died. One of the bedroom lights flickered for 10 minutes and burnt out. Then someone called me on the phone and mentioned my great-grandmother (she passed in 2008). I searched up what it meant for lights to flicker. A loved one visiting. I knew why she was there, to eventually retrieve her sons. My grandpa and great-uncle died a few days apart. Sometimes I question if I am a medium in training.

The thing about my grandfather's death, was I did not expect it to hit me so hard. I thought I would just be sad and carry on, because he was not always the best to me, while he was warmer to everyone else. He never abused me or anybody. Just a stubborn guy with a short temper. I am his rebellious but still respectful granddaughter. Of all my cousins on my father's side, I realize I am the one most similar to my grandfather's independent nature. I always resented him every time we had a small argument, just because I would sometimes feel disrespected and want to talk back. Meanwhile no one would ever take my side or tell me to calm down, because they understand but we can't do a thing about him when he acts that way. But regardless, he was the one man I respected and admired the most.

My paternal grandfather, nicknamed Don, hated being compared to Trump. I hated it too, and when I learned how he felt, I never joked about Trump. Although they were born 1946 and have Donald J. as their names (my grandpa is Donald James, though). They are vastly different. My grandfather co-created his own business for our small indigenous community Moose Factory in Ontario, the oldest English colonial settlement. He did it in spite of racist colleagues mocking him. He accomplished it with the help of our First Nations band, but he always managed the store himself and ordered everything. He was devoted to this store, not out of selfish motives, but for providing household essentials with better pricing.

I miss him so much, because I can now never go to work saying, "I'm going to work now, see you later. I love you, grandpa." I'm an such overemotional, overly sensitive person, that I am not sure I can ever work in my own family's store again. My grief clouded my mind when I tried to work there in January 2021, when he was in Kingston getting his cancer treatments. Everyone at work kept saying, "When are your grandparents coming home?" I would just say back, "I don't know..." I felt like telling them all to shut up and leave me alone, because I knew if he is out there for so many months, something is very wrong.

He had pancreatic cancer that slowly spread. Several doctors told him no to the surgery, until eventually someone else agreed to allow it. I know they know better, but I feel like they left him to just die. He weakened more and more, even after the surgery. With the pandemic, and all the restrictions, I only managed to visit him in Kingston once in March 2021. My final memory of him, looking so tired and sick, only really socializing with his sisters who were there too, and gratefully he treated me to my favorite Chinese takeout meal. I kissed his head, naively thinking maybe my love would heal him. But that is just not how it works.

When the time finally came, he was transported home to his house in Moose Factory. A little town where they had to enforce pandemic rules. I wrongly thought they would say I'd have to have my COVID vaxx. But I wanted to go anyway. I have my own reasons to avoid that specific vaxx, but will not write about it here as it is borderline political. My grandfather passed the very day I was in the city to board the train to Moosonee and Moose Factory. I was in shock and disappointment. I did not go, because my family was going to send me back home down south, as soon as distant relatives and family friends were. I wanted to live with them for a while, grieve together and heal together. But if that is how they wanted to play it, then I chose not to go. I did not attend his funeral, but I am sure my grandfather's spirit understands.

Nowadays I am still grieving. His death's 1st year anniversary is coming up. My heart is still broken. I nearly lost my life to a grand mal seizure on September 22, 2021. I nearly lost my sanity to the grief in December 2021, but I learned it was due to nutritional deficiencies. The year 2021 was so rough for me. Now I am taking an anti-depressant I used to be on. I feel functional and less anxious. But grief when a close loved one passes away, it can always hit like a truck. For the first few months, I thought to myself: Why do I even care? He was so mean to me sometimes. But I know why I care: he was one of my biggest role models, someone who always financially helped me, and he always gladly let me work at our family's store. Most of all, he loved me despite how much of a brat I can be.

In January 2022, I dreamt of him standing at a window, and we were at a house dinner party, like we always did every holiday. He was still his old self, with his green t-shirt, his big belly, and he was happy and healthy. I said, "Grandpa, you're here!" and I hugged him, he hugged me back. Then again in this summer of 2022, I had a dream he was healthy and came out of a hospital exam room. I hugged him again, and he hugged me. I walked away, telling the medical staff in the hallway that my grandpa is right there and I am not crazy. But that was just a dream. Still, even in grief, I am grateful his spirit visited me in my dreams twice. I miss him, but he was bound to go eventually.

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Date: 8/12/2022 4:08:00 PM
Marissa, so sorry for you the lost of your loved one, I understand this grief you write about as I too have experienced too much death in my life, God Bless ~Constance
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Date: 8/10/2022 2:21:00 PM
Marissa.... beautiful spirit you possess, for you to pour your heart out to your friends here at the soup is cleansing...poets get poets...your ability to receive communications from parallel universes reveals the true "spirit traveller" you are...always peacefully be available for your special gifts, Marissa... many here with you now & loved ones already on alternate planes of existence depend on your bright soul...
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My Past Blog Posts

The last 27 poems, from my writing era of 2006-2018
Date Posted: 8/24/2022 6:19:00 AM
Grief Is So, So, So Mind Numbing
Date Posted: 8/10/2022 12:02:00 AM
Never Knew What Grief Truly Was, Until...
Date Posted: 8/9/2022 11:38:00 PM
So, Here's What Happened
Date Posted: 10/15/2021 6:42:00 AM

My Recent Poems

Date PostedPoemTitleFormCategories
9/6/2022 Ruins Of The Moon Crystallinemoon,space,
9/3/2022 Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself Crystallineangst,death,
9/3/2022 Entanglement Free verseuniverse,
9/3/2022 Live Love Laugh Tankalove,
9/3/2022 Phosphorus Free verseangel,spiritual,
9/3/2022 Death Reaper Tankaangel,angst,dark,death,sp
9/3/2022 Aqua Angel Tankalife,spiritual,universe,w
9/3/2022 Mirroring Crystallinedeep,
9/3/2022 Dreamtime Quatraindestiny,dream,fate,native
9/3/2022 Fallen Angel Quatrainangel,angst,loneliness,
9/3/2022 Lanyard Tankabeautiful,beauty,blessing
8/30/2022 Something About Her Eyes Tankaangel,child,cousin,death,
8/30/2022 Yellow Flower With The Violet Flame Tankaangel,death of a friend,f
8/30/2022 As The Sun Sets Rhymedeath,grief,heaven,paradi
8/30/2022 Your Worst Enemy Crystallineabuse,angst,betrayal,dark
8/30/2022 Your Soul Is A Song Free verseextended metaphor,philoso
8/30/2022 Your Loss Quatrainangst,lost love,
8/30/2022 Your Artistry Inspired Me Quatrainart,best friend,friendshi
8/30/2022 Young Adult Quatraingrowing up,
8/30/2022 You're Only Me: Whom I Must Be Free verseangst,depression,identity
8/30/2022 You're Not The Only One Crystallinemeaningful,
8/27/2022 You May Never Know Free versebest friend,crush,cute lo
8/27/2022 You Think You Know Everything, But You Don't Tankasocial,
8/27/2022 You Matter Too Crystallineinspirational,life,light,
8/27/2022 You Know The Answer Crystallinephilosophy,
8/27/2022 You Don't Know Free versefriendship love,longing,l
8/27/2022 You Can Say I'm A Dreamer Free versehope,inspiration,inspirat
8/27/2022 Yin-Yang Crystallinespiritual,
8/27/2022 Yes, My Love Free versehow i feel,love,romance,r
8/27/2022 Yell, Young Rebel Crystallinebetrayal,
8/27/2022 Writing Shall Pull Me Through Free versedepression,emo,lost love,
8/24/2022 Writing In Blood Free verseangst,death,depression,em
8/24/2022 Writer's Wishes Free versedepression,poetess,writin
8/24/2022 Woven Garden Crystallineart,beautiful,imagery,
8/24/2022 Worthless Free verseangst,death,depression,em
8/24/2022 Worth It Crystallinelonging,love,
8/24/2022 Worst Ending Crystallinedepression,mental illness
8/24/2022 Works Of Writers Free versewriting,
8/24/2022 Words Crystallinedepression,hurt,pain,soci
8/24/2022 Won't Always Be There Free verseabsence,love,
8/24/2022 Wondering Free versephilosophy,
8/10/2022 Without You Free versebetrayal,break up,lost lo
8/10/2022 Woe Is Me Free verseangst,depression,mental i
8/10/2022 Witch Doctor Crystallinemagic,spiritual,
8/10/2022 Wishfully Believing Free versecrush,how i feel,loneline
8/10/2022 Wish You Could've Seen The Beauty Of My World Coupletrepetition,sad love,world
8/10/2022 Wish I Could Be Just As Happy Free versedepression,jealousy,
8/10/2022 Wisdom Of Friendship Free versebest friend,friend,friend
8/10/2022 Winter Desert Free versewinter,
8/10/2022 Wine And Tea Free verselove,lust,passion,romance
8/10/2022 Will I Ever Be More Than Just Me Tankaphilosophy,
7/29/2022 Wildflower Crystallinecharacter,freedom,growth,
7/29/2022 Wildfire Rhymefire,metaphor,
7/29/2022 Widow Closing Windows Crystallinedeath,grief,
7/29/2022 Why Live If I'll Always Feel Like This Free versedepression,mental illness
7/29/2022 Why I Cry Crystallinecry,depression,
7/29/2022 Why I Am Who I Am Free verse9th grade,identity,
7/29/2022 Why Do I Even Try Crystallinedepression,
7/29/2022 Why Can't We Be This Way Free verseangst,longing,lost love,l
7/29/2022 Why Was I Always The Only One Crystallineabuse,bullying,depression
7/29/2022 Wholeheartedly Free versebeautiful,emotions,feelin
7/27/2022 Who We Are Now Crystallinegrowth,identity,
7/27/2022 Whole Life Ahead Of Me Free verse12th grade,life,
7/27/2022 Who She Was To Me Crystallinebest friend,crush,friends
7/27/2022 Who I Will Be Quatraingrowing up,identity,
7/27/2022 Who Cares Free versemeaningful,
7/27/2022 White Peppermint Crystallinedrink,senses,sensual,
7/27/2022 Whispering Free versedeath,night,romance,roman
7/27/2022 Whimsical Tankamoney,philosophy,work,
7/27/2022 When You're Around Free versecrush,romance,romantic,
7/27/2022 When Will We See Crystallinemeaningful,people,philoso
7/25/2022 When Negativity Attacks Me Free versemental illness,
7/25/2022 When I'm Without You Free versemissing you,
7/25/2022 When I Look At The Sun Free versespiritual,sun,sunshine,
7/25/2022 When I Am In Love Free verselove,romance,
7/25/2022 When Death Is Imminent Free versedeath,
7/25/2022 Whatever You Say Crystallinewisdom,
7/25/2022 What's Truly Sad Free verseangst,loneliness,
7/25/2022 What You Mean To Me Crystallinemeaningful,
7/25/2022 What To Write Free versepoetess,write,writing,
7/25/2022 What Our Stars Mean To Me Free verseromance,stars,
7/22/2022 What A Mother Learns Crystallinemother daughter,philosoph
7/22/2022 What Now Crystallinescience,
7/22/2022 What I've Learned Free versegrowth,
7/22/2022 What Is Broken, Still Has Beauty Free versebeauty,
7/22/2022 What I Would Give Crystallineromantic,
7/22/2022 What I Most Desire Free verseromance,
7/22/2022 What I Fear The Most Senryudeath,fear,philosophy,
7/22/2022 What Goes Around Comes Around Tankameaningful,philosophy,pol
7/22/2022 What Do I Do Free versesad love,
7/22/2022 What Could Have Been Crystallinesad,
7/3/2022 Welcome Home Free verseuniverse,
7/3/2022 Weight Of The World Crystallinestrength,
7/3/2022 Weighing On Your Mind Tankagrief,
7/3/2022 We'll Always Be Friends Quatrainfriendship,
7/3/2022 We'll Be Together Again Someday Rhymespiritual,
7/3/2022 We Are Humans Free versehumanity,
7/3/2022 We Are Friends Free versefriendship,
7/3/2022 Water Is Everything And Nothing Free versespiritual,water,
7/3/2022 Watery Free versephilosophy,spiritual,

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Fav Poems

DAUGHTER Acrosticdaughter,love,uplifting,
Frozen In Crystaline - 4 Crystallinewinter,
Seeing Autumn's oak adorn Crystallineautumn,birth,death,life,n
Sport Light Versededication,sports,

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