So, Here's What Happened - Marissa Faries's Blog

Hello, everyone! My name is Marissa Faries. I began writing poetry since I was 12 years old (circa 2006). It was not until I was 15 (in 2009) that I began posting all of my poems here on PoetrySoup. You may or may not recall my same username from 2009 to 2018. I have written about 1,024 complete poems, in several forms, to this day. But what happened to me, if anyone noticed, is I had deleted my PoetrySoup account midway 2018.

In the year of 2018, I just happened to find an open-mic poetry event at a cafe, set on my birthday. I read aloud three long, detailed poems of mine. However, I struggle with mental health issues with my autism, chronic depression, and attention deficit disorder (A.D.D.). So I was really nervous while doing the open-mic reading, but regardless, public speaking has always been something I can do well-enough.

After the open-mic part of the event ended, I was discussing with published poets as to how to go about publishing my own poems. One of them told me that publishers may refuse to publish poets who already have their poems on the internet for free. So I took it upon myself to delete my PoetrySoup account and remove my poems off my DeviantArt page as well. I made a manuscript of select poems. The manuscript was mostly composed of personal, but highly meaningful poems. It had a theme of how I am socially aware of my personal growth and special bonds through my life. I e-mailed it to a publisher taking new manuscripts. They rejected me, and I felt so discouraged. In my humble opinion, the modern times are not always favorable for poetry writers.

My dream has always been to be a "book writer," as my 9 year old self had once said to an elementary school teacher. Yes, I can try to self-publish, but I am unsure if it will be worthwhile (expenses, others lacking interest, scrutiny, social skills needed for promoting it, etc.). I am just not sure how to go about that either. Does it truly matter that my poems are here on PoetrySoup for free viewing? I personally think it does not matter, as if anyone finds my poetry books to be worth money, then it is the book(s) they are buying for keepsakes. A solution I have come up with, is maybe to make my own original illustrations for each of my poems, then publish or self-publish. Irregardless, I strongly regret deleting my poetry off this website. So I recreated this PoetrySoup account. Hopefully nobody nor this site have any ulterior motives of stealing or profiteering my poems. But I have also come to realize:

It is not about the messenger, it is about the message.
It is not about the money, it is about the meaning.

Another thing is, due to my autism, A.D.D., and depression, I am struggling with motivation to consistently upload 10 of my poems on a daily basis. There are about 400-something poems left for me to post, so reposting all of them can take so many months or as little as 40-something days. I am just easily drained from having to select the theme categories, copy/paste each poem, etc. It can be tedious, but at least it is limited to 10 per day.

I remember when I was 15 in the year 2010, and there was no upload limit, over the course of a few days, I was uploading the hundreds of poems I had written up to that time. Admittedly, a lot of my poems are short (crystallines, haikus, senryus, tankas), or are not in a proper form (free verse, missing rhyme scales, etc.). But I think many have lost sense of the meaning of creative writing. Others seem to have also forgotten the importance of expressing our thoughts and feelings in a flowing way.

I like to think my lack of regard for literary perfectionism is what makes me as good at poetry as I am. But alas, seems I am not good enough for the professional poetry world. But that's alright, I just want to leave my poems as my legacy. Even if the internet goes someday (they say solar storms could knock out all technology)... Even if I stay obscure for eternity... All I want is for people to see my wounds and healing wisdom I hardly ever show to the outside world. I am yet to be more actively involved and successful in the world.

I also just want all autistic or ADHD/ADD authors and poets to know: you're not alone. The education system failed us, in the sense, it forced a lot of us to take more time than others to be fully self-taught in literary grammar, punctuation, and conciseness. Everyone's written works matter, but I am so sorry if you feel at a loss, like me, for not being able (or are struggling) to make a living out of it.