Whacked Poems

What's the Deal with Tarzan?

Tim Roth gets shot, and what emerges? Blood.
His innards act like wrecked intestines should.
Those fifties-movies injuns really suck,
with tactics redolent of Donald Duck!
“The whiteys circle wagons, as we feared:
so let’s just ride around them – get mown down!”
You’d see more bloodshed watching Charlie Brown.
And why does Tarzan never grow a beard?

Tim Robbins plans a prison break. Oh well,
they’ll catch him quickly when they search his cell.
It’s never searched, or posters changed, in fact.
And why was Thomas Hagan never whacked?
And Cage’s “Wicker Man” was just plain weird,
and not remotely scary. I’m at ease
with oddball cops with masks on: “Not the bees!”
But why does Tarzan never grow a beard?

“Commando” – Arnie’s shooting-up a storm:
a hundred dead a minute is the norm.
The baddies take ten thousand shots at him,
to no avail. They’re not from Arnie’s gym! 
You want to know why Rin Tin Tin’s revered?
The dog’s so smart, he counts: he knows when you’ve
exhausted all six slugs – then makes his move.
Yet why does Tarzan never grow a beard?

Guaranteed No Characters Were Hurt

Come on champ, do it for the story,
for metaphor and allegory.

     Get away from me.  Are you cracked?
     In all your stories, I get whacked. 

     Give me some space with that cattle prod,
     you frustrated Marquis De Sade.

Oops-a-daisy, there goes your head.
Alas, poor thing, you’re tragically dead.

It Ain't Easy Being Humble

If there's one thing to remember as you travel life's highway
We're all made of the same stuff
Bones, skin, hair, and smashing good looks
Oops sorry, not everyone is blessed with good looks like this dude
Mummy and Daddy's genes combined
For an extraordinarily handsome specimen of male virility
Had to fight the girlies off with a big stick
I know, I know, shouldn't be complaining... right!!!
Some of us just have to endure these minor inconveniences 
Hollywood movie stars have much the same “problems”
Have to admit, at first it was very flattering
But that soon wore off and it's now quite a nuisance
Having to sign autographs every time I step outside the door
Guess it's the price us over the top handsome folks have to pay
For the adulation of the adoring throngs
You may ask, “IS THIS GUY SMOKIN' UP?”
Sure sounds kinda whacked out to me, I must say!
Aww! But he's got such a sweet heart
Hang on, hang on, I'll soon be back to my humble self again
I'm sorry... it ain't easy being humble you know!
My tongue's stuck in my cheek!

Brutus - Limerick Version

Well, Brutus was that sort of chap
As whacked his old man in the Cap.
The senators there,
They’d stab or they’d stare,
With all other business a wrap.

Untitled

there was a young man from Ennis
who desired to learn to play tennis
the ball whacked him in the head
so he decided to go to a pub instead
and have fun drinkin’ the Guiness

A Wacky Medley - Christmas Song Parodies

Deck the Halls
Whacked the guy that stole my money
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
"Jail's the place for you now, sonny,"
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
"Grant you pardon? Kill that notion!"
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
Toss the key now to the ocean
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Good King Wencelas
Christmas Day has come around
Let's play Dirty Santa
Where your goodwill won't rebound
We'll just go bananas
Be as cheap as we can be
Spend no more than fiver
And I think we all agree
Everyone's a miser

We Wish You A Merry Christmas
A bad girl I've been
Forgive me my sin
Please don't give me charcoal
For the gift swap this year

Me In A Bottle

A crazy, whacked out human/
With lost tendencies of life/
A reality unable to grasp/
Like water through a net/
Searching for freedom/
In my fantasy imagination/
Barbarian in strength/
With an overpowering/
Will to dominate/
Part Devil, Part Demon/
I am a whirlwind/
You can't pen down/
A face only a mother/
Could ever love/
An abnormal oddball in life/
With an irresistible charm/
That will pull you in/
Bold in many ways/
Reflection of a beast/
On the inside/
A sense of calm on the outside/
Mentality of a surrealist/
Possessive presence of life/
Me in a bottle/

Not going far in my car

pitter patter drips drops and plops
blathers blatters splatters sploshes and drips
bitter twitter twatters and twaddles, flips and flops

chitter chatter babbles claptrap baas and blahs
slithering sliding slues, slips and skips
blotches mottles splotches and spots scars and mars

splutter flutter splatter clatters, a kick-started motorcar
crunched cracked munched and punched the whacked gears strips 
hipping and hopping, skipping and bop bop bopping, we're not going far

Evil Christmas Elves

Tom Cunningham has declared war on the elves this year,
The ones who hacked Santa Claus' computer. and I fear
the naughty or nice lists were mischievously reversed.
I'm very sure I heard Mrs. Claus gasp when Santa cursed.

A PDQ solution is needed for Christmas to be made right
before he shimmies down chimneys Christmas Eve night.
The last thing Santa wants is for the horrid girls and boys
to receive fun presants cuz they don't deserve great toys.

If anyone reading this knows how this crisis can be fixed
please overnight it to the North Pole care of Old St. Nick's.
PS... Don't use email. Remember his computer was hacked,
and it's my firm belief the guilty elves should be whacked!!

The Hand We're Dealt

We all must play the hand we’re dealt
And many folks’ve surely felt
That most unfairly they’ve been whacked
By cards that somehow have been stacked.

Still, there are those that rise above
And focus on the things they love,
While others flounder first, then sink.
(There must be more of those, I think.)

Yet as the game of life plays out,
The future always filled with doubt,
Some winners lose and losers win,
For that’s the way it’s always been.

Finding Peace Within Chaos

Let Your grace shower me with goodness,
As evil thoughts haunts me with madness.
Spirits encircle me, seeking my fall,
I hold on, searching for the angle of light.

I was brutally surpassed by an oblivious man,
Whose self-righteousness proved to be his only plan.
My heart sank and drowned in the darkness of evil might,
Torn apart, devastated, losing my crayon light.

Distractions, destruction, and devastation; I fight my fight,
Unable to keep winning, instead, whacked in my sight.
May I, grow wings, and glide through the storm ahead,
Fearless, frustration-free, and devoid of any dread.

Crown me, oh Lord, with the halo of Your grace,
Allowing Your blessings to bloom and flourish in this space.
On the spotlight, behind my shoulders, always be.
For without You, my life is futile and incomplete.

I need Your guidance, love, and mercy to navigate,
A true Agile to keep my path straight.

Disposition

Flashing neon sign danger.
The typical teenager.
And this son wouldn't listen.
Total hormone affliction.
He weed-whacked the old man.
Red welts but no stitches.
So, I had to open a can.
Changed his whole Disposition.

Dealing With Healing

When we’re dealing with healing,
It’s very revealing
To show how we’re feeling because

As time keeps on drifting
And cells may be shifting,
Our mood might be lifting its claws.

Acceptance and practice
To deal with what whacked us
Can help to distract us and pause

All the negative notions
(Of which there are oceans)
To hopeful emotions. Applause!

I Need a Quick Answer

Would you on plain answers leave me poor?
You don’t open lips like a whore’s door.
But the topics are quite harmless ones;
So, let’s just deal with them all at once…

About which person to dread more
And the notion like data store:
Women you touch their body cream
And they let out a loud scream
And ones you eat their secured food
And for a lifetime you’re rude?
Men with whom you a romance start
And to them obvious you’re a tart
And ones you had their clothes soiled
And today, as yesterday, boiled?

A boy who had loaned disk cracked
Also, through his dad got you whacked
Or girl who had lied about you,
For her in the air kisses blew?

You know I need a quick answer:
It’s always fast shot for Cancer!

Teal Is a Brilliant Inventor

Teal’s concoction is mannequin madness, grandpa said.
He thought new inventions were whacked in the head.
I thought it was genius, because my cousin Teal is bright.
Her ideas are spectacular, her brilliance is more than all right.
In my grandparents’ living room were new mannequins now.
They had been turned into lamps. I could not stop saying “Wow!”

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