What's the Deal with Tarzan?

Tim Roth gets shot, and what emerges? Blood. His innards act like wrecked intestines should. Those fifties-movies injuns really suck, with tactics redolent of Donald Duck! “The whiteys circle wagons, as we feared: so let’s just ride around them – get mown down!” You’d see more bloodshed watching Charlie Brown. And why does Tarzan never grow a beard? Tim Robbins plans a prison break. Oh well, they’ll catch him quickly when they search his cell. It’s never searched, or posters changed, in fact. And why was Thomas Hagan never whacked? And Cage’s “Wicker Man” was just plain weird, and not remotely scary. I’m at ease with oddball cops with masks on: “Not the bees!” But why does Tarzan never grow a beard? “Commando” – Arnie’s shooting-up a storm: a hundred dead a minute is the norm. The baddies take ten thousand shots at him, to no avail. They’re not from Arnie’s gym! You want to know why Rin Tin Tin’s revered? The dog’s so smart, he counts: he knows when you’ve exhausted all six slugs – then makes his move. Yet why does Tarzan never grow a beard?