A Drink with an Old Friend:
Like a criminal,
I'm caught red handed —
As I return the scene of the crime.
But I don't understand it,
It's not mine.
No, I didn't plan it.....
Noose around my neck,
And trauma did the damage.
Reenactment....
Drowning in the fractures,
Of my melted face.
Again I ask,
Who am I today?
Isn't time just a place?
Does identity disappear,
When bones are ground into paste?
When even the mirror,
Reflects my empty space.
Red is the flesh,
Dipped in my own blood.
Stained is the page,
With a cruel heart called love.
Swaying in time,
Like the pendulum of the clock.
As I turn towards death and simply laugh.
I've been dying.....
Ever since my first bath.
Come on Mr. Grim,
If you won't take me—
Why don't we just hang.
Here have a cigar,
I'll pour you a glass.
Let's raise a toast,
To the pain long past.
~D34d-1~
*In regards to Repetition Compulsion
My daily doldrums, have come to call,
Like a host of slugs, who have dug deep.
Slimy feet, came to greet, stains the hall,
Delving the depths, while I slept, in a heap.
The invasion of this sinner's cortex,
Lies vulnerable to sluggish suggestions.
My mind's in flux, circling my inner vortex,
Reaching the crux, for answers, to life's questions.
Prisoned memories pinwheel, my thoughts peptic,
A cloistered cluster, a dirty, dusty duster,
Ransacks the ruins, anti-antiseptic,
This boy needs a double dose of...Rustbuster.
On the foot, I look the last time,
Waiting by the drizzling time
Thinking as I took a high on river bridge lies the line
'Dunno’, yh I don’t know
How to swim? How to be fine?
Deep in my thoughts, once again I climb,
Stretching across the brink.
Think I’ve to think a thing —
Just washed away by a blink.
Is this the end of the life I lived?
Who knows to carry off the bliss in hollow prime?
Ugly sudden stroke, a jerk, a mirror
Crackling through the aurora of pink sunset
'Help! Help!'
I looked, but it was hazy — tears had vagued my sight
An old woman drowning in the river,
Swept by the heavy flow
Do the empty, balding patches on my head express it to you?
How I’ve stayed silent
just so you could heal?
How I’ve cried endless nights over you,
just so I don’t ruin you any more than I have.
How you don’t even care to look me in the eyes
at dance or to even watch me dance.
How you dare to even say
“I don’t want a hug from you.”
To my face,
mind you.
Something I would never dare to do to you,
because I would be scared if I hurt you.
What have I done to deserve such hate?
What can I do to reverse it?
What have I done for you to not even look at me?
What can I do to reverse it?
What can I do to help you?
nothing.
They say you can’t count hairs,
but you sure can count the friends you’ve lost.
378 hairs.
only 7 friends.
Fright-type, which brings up, welt-like
The idea of
The mind being itself whipped.
No quick shock's back-shove!
I feel like I remember
What better was,
But I can't see it
as clear as I see my flaws.
Yet there is proof.
In photos and videos,
a memory of who I am,
that feels like an echo.
Cause I can see it
past the clouds of gray,
That yes, in fact, there was
Such a thing as a good day.
Days where my thoughts
didn't always win.
Days where a negative magnet
didn't pull the positive from within.
I try to catch a glance,
forcing my way into that moment,
back when I wasn't saving energy
for my mind's endless torment.
I've entered every password
that used to work before.
All those “get better” tasks,
but they're not working anymore.
But I can't remember.
It doesn't matter how hard I try.
I'm locked out of my own system,
with an error code.
Telling me to die.
I can picture her on her grey carpet floor
in her 11x10 bedroom.
I see her body,
cold to the touch.
She’s in her royal blue silk pajamas.
Her favorite.
She’s laying on her floor,
with a knife in her right hand,
left at a 103 degree angle upside down.
Feet sickled so much that
they could be twisted off in a second.
I see the blood pouring from not only her wounds,
but her scars.
The nails that dug into her thighs
are bruised from so much pressure.
The thighs that were dug by her nails
are now white.
I can picture her parents walking in,
not even looking at her,
but rather the stain she made
on the newly-replaced carpet.
“Why’d she do that?”
Everyone will ask.
because of me.
I think—
no.
i know.
“I don’t know.”
I’ll say instead.
Surrounded by my friends
But I still go home and start
Writing all alone in my room
Thoughts keep coming back to you
Each time I taste the liquor
All it does is sour my memories
I can’t see the good you brought me
Same with the others before you
I have to stop and look at myself
Is it a pattern, am I a bad person?
What’s wrong with me and the way I love
Maybe I don’t deserve it all
My therapist said I made progress
But I don’t quite see it.
Cause if I was the perfect man
I wouldn’t repeat all these mistakes again
I find it so hard to trust my heart
In anyone’s hands, maybe I’m the problem
But I still crave physical attention
Without having to go deeper
Where do I go from here?
Should I try again
Or lock myself in my shell
Maybe something fake is what I need
I’m trying to unlearn all the things
That hurt me and lead me to hurt others
So if it means to block off love
I’d do it until I know I’m worth loving
Sometimes I fall deep down.
I'm in a hole,
You're looking in.
Climb out you say.
Silly boy,
One does not simply climb out.
There are paths I must take,
Lessons I must learn,
Thoughts I must think,
Before I get out.
Through my past, it was kind of strange...
I once never felt a need for change...
To weather the strain, of memories stained
To sever the ties that blind
To grasp the rope, a beacon of hope
To forever free your mind
A fog has been cleared, a beacon appeared
A much better friend to find
A new path emerged, from the pain you purged
An enemy left behind
Suicide
Just saying the word breaks my heart
admitting that my son died from it,
shatters my heart once again
I imagine it is in billions of pieces now
even worse is the thought that comes to
my own mind occasionally that maybe that
is the only way for the pain to end
The lie that seems to chase me everywhere
I go and whatever I do, just like it chased my son
It is NOT the answer and in my reality I know this,
but the nature of the beast steals into your pain
and whispers the lie over and over again
I REFUSE the lie and know that it is not true
but I also know that others hear the lie and in their
pain, they believe it
Please, do NOT believe it
the lie continues to spread pain and darkness
TALK about it
Join the fight against it
LOVE one another
SHOW KINDNESS
FIGHT the lie
I'd been dead only an hour
And yet they'd already moved on
Already bid good riddance and closed the coffin
Their words fake, their thoughts sour.
I'd been dead only a day
And yet the maggots picked at my flesh
But couldn't bear to devour my scars
My rejected mistakes untouched, I lay
I'd been dead only a week
But my carcass was left hollow
All but my delusions accepted by nature
The soil murmuring my legacy, a freak.
I'd been dead only a month
My grave stayed bare
weather taking its toll
Id believed people cared, once
I'd been dead only a year
Or was it two now?
You lose yourself when your whole world forgets you
Or when you become the very thing you fear
Who are you without their thoughts
Who are you without your mistakes
Who are you without your legacy
Who are you without someone who cares
Were you ever alive without someone to remember you?
Were you alive when no one saw you?
Are you alive if no one sees you?
Will you be?
I turned away from the mirror as I passed, too unbearable of a sight. The look in that mirror wasn't the beat of my heart, wasn't the thought in my head, wasn't the truth in my bones. The reflection could never match the character. I could never feel right in the mirror. Like I'm faking who I am, cause god forbid I hurt someone. God forbid the life pumping through my veins is too human. It's not an image of you, it's how you're perceived. Self-perception distorts the reflection, it's kinder on the soul to look the other direction. Kinder on the eyes to not be perceived at all. To stay in that room, let your flesh grow dry and your bones show through, forget that ache for connection, welcome the numbness of starvation, strum a chord to feel whole and shatter the mirror for daring to show you your truth. Show you your rotting. You're giving up, giving in to the same standards you swore you'd never care about. Losing yourself to a reflection that was never yours. If you can't smile at yourself now, why could you before you became lost?
Our world is full of indecision
There are too many voices in each ear
Blue lights overshadowing our vision
More overstimulation every year
Far too many choices to consider
Self help books, influencers, and podcasts
My peace of mind to the highest bidder
One after another, it never lasts
With attention spans to weak to hold on
Mental exhaustion and burnout is real
Depression and anxiety will spawn
And a suicidal fate we will seal
True inner peace comes from a quiet soul
So less distractions will make our hearts whole
Mental Health Categories
Definition | What is Mental Health in Poetry?
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