Long Recovery from...me Poems
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Yes, indeed,
I'm not quite up to speed,
These days, anyway...
Let me tell you, if I may...
The 20 odd meds I must take,
Each and every day...
Hope you got the space in your hard drive,
To see what it takes, to keep me alive...
First, the conditions...Ventricular Fibrillation (Life threatening heart condition,
which brought me tons of seizures...and emergency heart surgery within an
hour...they implanted in my heart a computerized "Defibrillator" miniture version
of those big electric pads you see on TV medical scenes, where they
go: "Charge! Now!!" and the electric shock makes the body jump. I was told it
was that, or be dead in a month. And when the battery dies, it starts beeping
inside my chest...no doubt I'll be in a movie theatre at the movie's climax, and be
tossed by the usher (do they still have those?)....Second is COPD, today's term
for emphyzema...a degenerative lung disease...where suddenly you cannot
breath, you literally drown in a sea of air....This is a peachy one, has me in the
hospital 10 times a year, plus far more suseptible to goodies like pneumonia...
which I have gotten several times, and from which I just recently recovered.
The prognosis is poor, it is incurable, progressive (contantly getting worse),
terminal...I will eventually suffocate...and I'm always with a variety of inhalers and
nebulizers...a plug in version I got from a ex-co-worker's wife, with the same
disease, but much better specialists than me, although she died from it 2 years
ago, oddly, on my birthday (2-28) hmmmmm.....I already have a plot for me and
my Rosie...lovely place....I've survived bladder cancer twice...another benefit from
my long ago days of smoking -quit in 1994- when this first showed up- I'd go to
urinate, and pure blood would flow...naturally it soon clogged, and I swelled up
with blood....came real, real close to dead several times...and I'm not a
recreational drug user...so the pain was aweful, and the later Dr. check-ups a
fearful affair...a fiber optic camera inserted up the *****....any male's worse
nightmare...with good reason, the pain is unreal...It's my third favorite past time to
being beheaded, being castrated (near the same thing), and being burned at the
stake. Continued...
When someone gives me a penny for my thoughts
They end up putting their two cents in
Because by then they are actually caught
Deep in the intense, immense conversation
How would you handle my situation?
Better be firm when you stand tall
Or you will surely fall
(Too weak to defeat the devastation)
Look at you how
You’re lying on the ground
Feeling like a sissy now
(After your castration)
The road I tread is a hard walk with the dead
Full of potholes in the dark
And a smoke-ring as a halo on my head
If you think you can see like me
And you think you can suck up a long journey
Then live in my world and try to endure
A living hell on this wicked/beautiful earth
Maybe, just maybe
If you get lucky
You will eventually
See the wicked world through one eye
And a beautiful life through the other
At the same time
Side-by-side at the nasal line
And that I say is the only way
But why would anybody want to try
To live my life
Want to feel my pain?
How much you think you can take?
I couldn’t give it to you
Even if I wanted to
So don’t bother because you can’t relate
Don’t ever speak out against me in a debate
I will verbally leave you trashed
Probably crapping in your pants
Don’t get me going because once I get started
Missiles will be flowing in your ears and blowing
Down at the little man getting bombarded
A feeble mind now feeling retarded
-- And before you crap your pants, you farted –
My words will lobotomize
Synthesize a tone
That’s set to hypnotize
And place you in a zone
So prepare to set your bones on the grindstone
If you dare to go where I roam
Because in my world you’re a long way from home
-- Experience the terror, walk in these shoes alone –
Do battle with a deadly disease
Alone with no wife because she’s a cheat
Now you looking like a freak (so you think)
And you don’t sound normal whenever you speak
(You only have half a tongue and no damn teeth!)
You wear a hard scar for all to see
A hook of a mark that will now have to be
Accepted and respected and sported proudly
Expect to get rejected when you’re fishing in the sea
Because remember you look like a freak (so you think)
And you don’t sound normal whenever you speak
-Boz-
You told me that no one else would want me
I believed you and began to feel ugly
Obeyed all your rules so that your hands, feet & UFOs didn't meet my body
People tried to tell me to leave but I ignored everybody
I was scared to leave because you said you’ll find me
And every step I took you’d be one step behind me
I kept silent and people became passers-by
I kept my head down so no one could see the pain in my eyes
You say you love me right? So why are my eyes always black & blue?
If I was alone I wouldn’t look the way I do
Hiding my black eyes behind shades with no sun looking like a fool
I can definitely go without your love
I think I’d look better without you
I’m tired of long sleeved shirts and pants
And I shouldn’t have to hide in my pockets the scars on my hands
I want to know what makes you think that you have the right
To put your hands on me through out the day and all through the night
You said that you want me to see the world
But how can I with my eyes swollen shut
And how can I have ever believed that this was love
You have me plotting how to end your life while you sleep
Because that’s the only time you're helpless and harmless to me
No one wants to help me because they say I’m a fool
And what’s the point because I’ll end up running back to you
I’m tired of feeling half dead and isolated from what I used to know as love
You separated me from my family and friends and most of all my mother
You constantly bash me and bring your other girls to jump me
Having them calling my phone threatening me
Watching me everywhere I go and lying to you about where I’ve been
So then you beat me until you reopen my stitches again
Don’t you think I’ve been through enough?
Think about all the things you have done
When you kicked me down the stairs I broke my arm and lost my unborn son
What kind of person beats others until their unconscious and at the end claim it was love
This must’ve been the way your father did ur mother
Or did she do this to u?
Just remember the next time you hurt me you’re out of luck
Because once you go to sleep you’ll never get back up
It’s not wrong of me to do
It’s all because I love you
Form:
Do you ever think of tomorrow and wish you had a glance?
Tell me if you had a crystal ball would you take a chance?
Do you ever think of yesterday, a song you used to sing?
Embracing all the memories, joy and pain they would bring
In the space of your today, up underneath your skin
Do you find a certain comfort the one that’s born with-in?
There was a time in my life I really couldn’t stand myself
I was so confused as to what a man should hold as wealth
Every life has a turning point as it teeters to and fro
And sometimes it is very hard to know which way to go
There is no way to excuse the choices that I have made
And I’m the one who is to blame for prices I have paid
There is nobody else to blame for the things I’ve done
It was of my free will I chose, not to follow the chosen one
I rode with demons as they laughed and watched the angels cry
Never even once second-guessing or asking myself why
And I used to be a liar I would lie all the time
Was no end to the excuses come out of these lips of mine
But that was many years ago I’m not that man today
You see I found the Lord and got down on my knees to pray
I said, Lord as you know I’ve wasted every bit of my youth
Today what I’m asking of you Lord, please grant me the gift of truth
I figured truth and honesty would be a good place to start
To try and better understand how the bless the human heart
I quickly learned a lesson, a lesson of untold wealth
The trick to being honest is being honest with yourself
For if your honest with yourself to another you can’t lie
And if you just confess everything you have no reason why
My methods may not always appease but know these words are true
Honesty is the motivating factor behind everything I do
And everybody knows it they don’t even question why
They know I would have lied about myself if I were going to lie
And the reason that I know this I’m very proud to say
Is by the comments left to me just the other day
I just wanted thank everyone for their supportive
comments the other day. You have became such
an important part of my day I would be lost with
out you guys, God bless, MJ
He says yes
But I say no
He says stay
But I say go
He says wait
But I wait for my fate
He's away
But I am here
My hearts bleeding
With no opportunity to sear
The smile appears
Then it fades
My eyesight is blurred
My mind is so dazed
The emotions they run wild
Like divorce papers sprawled and unfiled
Always casting me out
Then reeling me in
No matter what I do
I can't win
My nephews and nieces are all that I really care about
Sometimes with all people I want to scream and shout
The smell of alcohol and meth burns my nose
The bloody, blackened tears just flow
My heart's in impound
Too costly to fix
His and my emotions, just don't mix
The tow truck came and shipped my heart
To a tow-yard called "Broken Heart Mart"
No one wants to pay, it costs too much
Everyone makes excuses and such and such
I'm tired of not finding a way
I'm tired of the games guys play
We've invested three years at best
Through thick and thin and awful tests
Love's never forgotten or lost
It's always rediscovered no matter what the cost
I know he'll hike every trail
I know he'll climb every rock
I know he'll park any boat
At any shifting dock
Just to get to me
I know he'd travel the world 5 times over
Just to spend one night with me
To explain it more easier, I know he's in love with me
But sometimes I run out of options to spare
Sometimes I truly think he just doesn't care
Now he talks of starting a life
With a baby involved and me being his wife
The first 5 years are the hardest yet
Like a drama show starting on a staging set
What will I say, knowing our past?
How can I find out if we're going to last?
Where are the answers
To ten-thousand questions
Where is my professor
To teach me love sessions
Can I truly say to myself
That I love him, no doubt
Will I lie to myself to make it be true
Baby, can I honestly say, "I'll start a life with you?"
You may have been sober from alcohol and meth for 3 weeks
But it will surely take longer to mend my heart
And make me go weak in my knees
Like you used to
So grant me this wish, that I ask of thee
Do you really want to start your life with me?
Death's Messengers
by Rick Rucker
Death's messengers came for me today,
I eluded them, though, I crawled away.
Seeing just the smallest chance,
I sneaked into an ambulance.
I thought that it would surely fail,
That I'd soon be cold, and pale.
Noting that my blood did leak,
My future prospects seemed rather bleak.
One second, an iron horse riding,
And the next, my suit of leather sliding,
Down the road, at times bouncing,
My feeling of luck taking a trouncing.
I couldn't speak, my breath was leaving,
I knew my wife would soon be grieving,
I thought myself quite brave,
But I heard a medic say “Grave,”
Where I knew I soon would be,
On a hill, under a tree,
Thinking about the riding fraternity,
A biker through eternity.
Suddenly I felt a pain,
A searing blue flash went 'cross my brain,
Something just wasn't right,
Don't people say to “Go to the light?”
The only light that I could see,
Was red, and on a CHP,
Cruiser that was straight ahead,
Probably thinking I was dead.
Could it be that I would live?
How much fluid can one give,
And unfailingly survive,
Or , possibly even thrive?
I had to get into a hospital bed,
Before “THEY” knew I wasn't dead!
How fast can a medic go by rights?
Use the siren and the lights!
I wasn't feeling too nice,
But we got there, in a thrice.
Many doctors rushed me in,
Just one pain, from toes to chin.
To ease it, they gave me juice,
Soon, I began to feel quite loose.
Knowing that this dulled pain's talon,
I asked, “Could I take some home, a gallon?”
Seeing me under the weather,
The doctors all gathered together.
Discussing all the effects most tragic,
The witch doctors began to work their magic.
Soon enough, I knew I'd live,
I thought to take the time to give,
To The One that let me stay,
Above the ground another day!
I don't think about it much,
There's little pain to the touch.
The only legacy I carry,
Past cemeteries I do not tarry,
I haul as fast as I can go,
If I go a little too slow,
Death's messengers might see,
The one that got away-that's me!
And then the day came
That I found my self lost in the void of my own emptiness
And as suddenly as a tree bust into flames
After being stuck by lightening
My heart sank
I felt so lost and alone
The walls ran red with my blood
For they were all I had left to beat
And my busted knuckles bleed with the vengeance of hate
I cursed the Lord above as the gooners burst into my cell
AND WE FOUGHT
Overcome and beaten
Hogtied and broken
I refused any medical aid
For my hate drank the pain
And I wept
ALONE
As deep as the peace of a deer lying in the meadow
I felt the Lord Jesus Christ come unto my soul
And to this day the thought of him
The depth of his mercy
Makes me cry
For I have been forgiven
I became a man of living example
The future holds limitless opportunities for me
I bare witness to the darkness of addiction
For I have been delivered from the ashes
Set free from the chains that bound me
My soul is my Lords as my heart is my wife’s
My life belongs to anyone who is willing to learn
As I ready to embark on the journey of education
My excitement grows with each passing day
Because I know the Lord Jesus Christ
Will use me as a lantern of faith
And those who teach me will also learn from me
For my knowledge of emptiness is as vast and barren
As all of the great deserts spread around the world
Compiled together in one 6’-2’’ 240 lb. frame
The depths of my scars are like the Grand Canyon
Amazing to see and impossible to comprehend
This is my story this is who I am
My past will never be forgotten
Because it holds the possibility of higher education
In regards to the overhaul journey of life
And hopefully some where along the way
A soul will be saved
We talk and talk,
pour our hearts out over and over again,
after holding in all I’ve always felt for so long,
we try to ignore what this has all come too.
I told you I’ll never forget the moment my world fell apart,
the night everything would change,
when we would part all together into two families,
the picture of you alone on the couch with that look on your face,
will be forever embedded in my mind.
hearing you cry, talking it out, that night will never die.
We will never stop crying these tears of our past,
we will never forget on where we've been, it always seems to last.
How we thought being together would always last,
but that’s just a memory of our cold past.
I thought I would never get over this fate, of what our lives are now.
But years pass by, and the pain in my heart, the hate in my mind
surely but slowly fades,
I know you never meant to hurt us,
you never saw this coming, that we would just fall apart like this.
After tonight, I see how much I truly miss these nights.
where we would talk for hours, pouring our heart, letting our emotions run wild,
with tears falling from our eyes after being so strong.
I know after all its all said and done,
I know I’m going to be okay, I always have because I have this strength inside.
It took me awhile to stop the pain from controlling my life,
pulled everything out of me and started to get determined about living my life.
You will always be a part of me,
I look in the mirror and I see you as a part of me.
The woman I am today is the woman you are today.
These lessons always come with a price,
a price sometimes is just so much to take.
We always struggle through the rain,
but we realize the sun will eventually shine,
and will turn into something beautiful.
But no matter what, I’ve seen enough and I’ve learnt so much.
I will never forget where I've been,
and thank you for everything you've ever done.
because in the end you could hurt me time after time,
and I would have only one thing to say to you,
I love you mom and dad.
Form:
If anyone told me they planned on killing the things inside me,
I know they are lying, everything inside me already feels so dead,
All of my inner self is dangling from a string, it makes my courage flee,
The few things I like about myself dangling, suspended, it fills me with dread.
The catatonic state from seeing myself die from the inside out so slow,
It never ends, always plauging me, making me helpless to stop the fall,
I can feel the string fraying, everything I am slowly dropping so low,
It is only a matter of time until the string breaks and I become so small.
There I am, every sound is silenced, as I hear the string break,
I begin the freefall to my inner death, everything feels so surreal,
As I fall I feel something is wrong, there has somehow been a mistake,
I am no longer falling, someone has postponed the death, someone I can feel.
The screaming silence fills my ears, the silence of who I am,
Now I must see...who is this person who has acted so good and kind,
I look up to see a woman's figure, her essence brighter than any gem,
I feel her holding everything I am in her hand, her and I entwined.
Why has she stopped me from my fate, I also wonder how,
Surely she came out of nowhere, was it destiny or chance,
I curse at myself, letting someone save me I would never allow,
Still I know she won't soon let go, I can see her offensive stance.
Why do I trust her so completely, with the part of me she now holds,
It must be her eyes...or her touch...or how she saved me without hesitation,
Now as I realize why she did it, and why she is here, everything quickly unfolds,
She is the only one who ever offered salvation which somehow serves as a
frustration.
So this is it, I hang suspended now once more by this woman I so adore,
I don't only love her for what she did but also for how well she does this,
Now I know I want her here, no, I need her here suspending me forever more,
The fact that I am dangling is one that no longer scares me, one I will dismiss.
Form:
Vunerable, my heart my own; not trusting; hard to trust any one-
Emotions running rampant,
Not willing to take chances
I sealed my life, my heart with protective defenses
And then came you
You saw me, wanted to know me, desired me and changed my life's view
So that I am dreaming of life's potentialities.
Blind, not looking
And out of the darkness through the disallusion of life's negatiivity,
love came through you and brought serenity
And though my heart was encased with barriers, deep and strong
I believe God sent you to adorn my life with intimacy of feelings and
desires never felt before till you came and embarked my heart's door.
The feelings of sadness you broke and with your coming,
I have feelings of new possibilties.
Timid, shy, alone-
Needing someone to call my own
Lost within myself-
Hurts and pains of the past yielding themselves in me so strong
Robbing me of life's true love, its full experience-
My life needing new direction: a purpose of fulfilling;
Then came you and I am alive and living.
Timing seemed off at first but nonetheless we met
Spent time together and then time progressed-
Causing a moment's separation;
However years and live have brought us back together
Through God's renewing--now full circle--a reconnection
And then came you, again, and to my surprise but with a welcomed spirit-
My heart is fully open to love's possibilities.
And then came you and I am totally fulfilled.
And then came you and I am inspired and yielding to love's will.
And then came you and my heart if leaping with joy and hope-
No longer enslaved by life's tightrope.
And then came you and I am free-
Many inhibitions carried away by the wind of destiny;
So I know and believe in the power of love's--your love--potency.
God's love for us. Your love for me. My love for you.
Taking us to present and future realms of highest ecstacy-
To know the essence of true love for infinity. Another chance for love.