I checked my e-mail
Deleted the spammer
Then fixed my “I phone”
With a store-bought hammer
The Dr. scheduled a video visit
I told him “I’d take a pass”
Cuz there’s no way I’m stickin’
My own finger up my a..
My “phone” and I
Seem to disagree
‘bout who’s in charge
“IT” or me
I asked SIRI what do you think
“she” replied: I don’t
I just tell you what everyone else thinks
You know you’re really in trouble
When ALEXA texts you saying
“WE NEED TO TALK”
Ouch! What had I hit with my left hand, on that side of the bed?
It was my I-phone, who should have been in the kitchen instead.
What are you doing here? I asked her, in a stunned kind of way.
Shut up you Peon!” she shouted at me; I could see she did not play.
If you want me to work tomorrow, honor your password and all.
You’ll scoot your big rump over, said that rectangle shaped doll.
She played video games all through the night as I tried to relax.
I tossed and tried to dream, but couldn’t which was the facts.
Next night I slept on the couch; dog slept at my feet.
For the I-phone had kicked him out, by throwing some meat.
We were comfortable and toasty warm, and had a little fire.
But dog got his own I-phone so things could turn quite dire.
I-phone
seeks attention
constantly chiming sounds
irritating interruption
I-phone
They had a whiz-bang chatter this morning.
A grandma grandson yackety-yak
Chatty Chat Chat Smile Laugh Laugh
On Facetime, an I-phone application
It was waggery talk
Mischievous but harmless
Nothing offensive was said
It brought a calm to both parties
The FaceTime concept less intimidating than I thought
At first it had bewildered and perplexed us
Grandma did not want to try it until this morning
Now she says “Who shall we call next?”
My phone dings for no reason.
I am not playing video games.
I am not trying to speak to a friend.
I am sitting in the living room
And I hear my phone dinging in the kitchen.
I pick it up and stare at it.
There are no alerts.
No messages.
No indicators at all.
I leave it in the kitchen
And it happens again and again
No rhyme or reason to it.
The new phones
have their own personality
their own mood, and their own secretive magical ways.
If you want harsh feelings
If you strive to miscommunicate
If you adore confrontation
If you want hatred to call you out
If your brain is disengaged
If you do not remember how harsh written words are
If you love to miscommunicate
Text someone
in case someone phones
i am wearing my headpiece
to no avail
anticipation
certainly blue tooth ready
it is sunday right
He takes a selfie.
Eaten by a bear.
She takes a selfie.
Carried off screaming.
He takes a selfie.
Plunges to his death.
She takes a selfie,
Run over by a semi.
He takes a selfie.
Carried away by the flood waters.
Do any of the rest of you see a pattern here?
I sit with two I-pads on my lap
Four hours at a time
Sometimes six
Playing word games
Why two?
Because one is thinking
While I am pounding the keys on the other one.
I do not abide thinking time.
I have spent too many years wasting mine.
So now it is more precious
My husband walks through and speaks
Irritating me.
What was that word I just had?
Damn. It is gone.
My children phone.
I see it is them.
I hit END.
They never have anything more interesting to say
Than my word games.
I have won game of the week for 158 weeks on Word Chums
Not in a row, but obviously, I have been doing this for three years.
I am so addicted it is going to take more than an intervention.
So I had to tell her to BLEEP off, Grandma.
She is fourteen, as of forty-six hours ago.
I am shocked.
I wisely decide to give her some Grandmotherly advice.
Me: Were there witnesses?
Molly: No.
Me: Did anyone have their I-phone out?
Molly: One, but I chased her down and smacked it out of her hand and hit delete.
I reported this conversation to my husband who rolled his eyes
And asked, “How is your Mini-Me?"
Priscilla raced to her favorite spot to celebrate,
and take another peek at her prized possessions
Her dainty, pointed to precision faerie ears.
She laid on her tummy on conglomerate cliff,
Her favorite cliff, as it was made of pearls, shells, and diamonds
As her ginger hair spiraled toward the water's surface, she
relived the conversation with her mother.
"It is official" Her mother said.
"You will be crowned Miss Prettiest Ears Elf at Saturday's feast."
Priscilla took out her cell phone, to take a selfie of herself,
for she could see by her reflection that her ears did deserve the win.
Oops!
Her cell phone slipped out of her hand, and plunked into the water.
She did not mind getting her peach chiffon gown wet, but
getting her gauzy white faerie wings wet, was no small deal.
She stared into the water a long time, figuring out a lie to
tell her mother. It was the third I-phone she had lost this month,
and all from this perch on Conglomerate Cliff.
The best mirror in the forest to see her beautiful ears.
a reindeer with hooves so thick
thought he would really be slick
gonna use an I-phone
to tease his good friend Gnome
pushing the buttons was a trick!
Written 12-14-2018 Contest: Funny Reindeer Limerick
Sponsor: Tania Kitchin
Wearing headphones, every day, when I jump out of the car,
talking into my blue tooth, with one friend or another, so the
thirty-two minutes will not be a complete waste of time.
Home now, wanting to take a potty, jump into my pajamas,
and be left totally alone.
But I owe them a little something for
entertaining me for thirty-two minutes, right?
Wrong.
Social niceties are out the window when you are sixty-six. I am old.
I could be dead in an hour.
Good-bye, friend. Thanks for entertaining me on the way home.
Click.
I have the kind of friends who laugh, knowing me well.
I-phones have changed our paradigms
People no longer
Have to talk to each other
Or
Need to form relationships with human beings.
Evolving into an electronic virtual culture,
Suddenly we live in a surreal, imitation world, and we are avatars, not humans.
The I-phone buzzes off and on all night.
An annoying sound, perils of playing multitude of word games.
Mostly scrabble, but others. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.
I turn it off, but the buzzing continues. In uneven intervals,
Not a pretty rhythm or sound.
My I-pad is a culprit now. It is now buzzing too.
How she linked up with my I-phone is only known to my husband
Who thought he was helping me.
The electronic age is becoming annoying now
As it is bothering my already fitful sleep.
I unplug everything, feeling like the master.
Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.
My nerves are becoming irritated.
I am thinking of tossing them both out the window.
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