If you’re very lucky, you may find
The type of handyman
Who can take care of the problems
That you now no longer can.
Climb a ladder to the roof? No prob -
It’s what he likes to do
And while up there, he will clean
The cloudy skylights, just for you.
Clogged up gutters? With some gloves
He’ll scoop out leaves and dirt and gunk,
Staying cheerful through it all.
(I know that I’d be in a funk.)
When he’s finished, he will lowball
What he thinks that you should pay.
Do you know of anybody else
Who’d act in that same way?
Handy Randy is this person
Who is capable and fair
And reliable and really nice,
These attributes so rare.
jack-o-lantern scooped out his own seeds
then carved out his face with a knife from Leeds
he looked amazing with his notorious face lift
being self-sufficient and handy is a wonderful gift
It’s nice to know a handyman
To help when things go wrong,
Who fixes things around the house
And you don’t wait too long.
A pipe that drips, a door that sticks,
A light to be replaced
And any of a hundred other
Problems you have faced.
When someone with both time and tools
Can luckily be found,
Be grateful for his expertise
And hope he sticks around.
I need a helping hand Sorry, Mr Turpin, you won't be suitable.
There was a beautiful girl called Mandy
Barman Andy loved mixing her Shandy
He did strange cocktails
Topped with frothy ales
She blew off his foam, to sip the Brandy
A Funny Limerick - Make me Laugh Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Tania Kitchin
Howmanysyllables 10/10/5/5/10
11/06/22
You have three hands; the third hand is the heart,
it squeezes and lets go, grabs and releases.
The heart that is a hand
pummels you from the inside when you fall in love,
it does not like to be ignored.
If you fall for another,
you had better let that hand in your heart
know that it’s the best of all hands
or it will forever let go and dump you.
The Handy Work of God
David J Walker
I call them my flowers
as if
They were really mine
As if I really
Owned the earth
as if I could
Make the sun shine
as if could
call down the rain
as if I could refrain
the storms angry hailstones
As if
I were anything more
Than the gardener
Admiring the handy work
of God
Now, you see your mislaid candy,
Still your very property and handy.
So, don’t words with your sister bandy
Nor repeat that her hair is sandy:
You might be saying she was The Thief,
Recklessly priming her for noisy grief;
For that’s what ‘Sandy’ supplies in brief
Whilst no daughter thief is fathered by a chief …
And-Alas!-you let candy your mind swirl
Whereas neither gender nor age makes you a girl.
Handy Andy, fine figured and dandy
Asked his mother for a piece of candy
She gave him some gum
But she came undone
When he chomped it like their milk cow Mandy
A man who isn't handy
is not necessarily a dandy
If in trying times he's there
What matter he can't fix a chair
More break-up Senryus
to quickly, subtly cut that
relationship cord:
You’re a guy, I’m
a girl... it turns out we’re
just too different!
Look, It’s not you – it’s
me - turns out I don’t like
you much anymore.
Allegory time!
You're a turkey, ok? And
I'm going on a diet.
You smile at him,
and then say: "You've helped
realize I'm gay."
Andy's guided a train
Flown a small plane
Steered the wheel of a ship
Spurred a horse with a whip
Maneuvered a 64-foot truck
Kayaked in a typhoon
Won a motorcycle race
Landed perfectly on the moon
Then Andy went on a date
Pop, Pop -- two flat tires
Said, 'I'm not much with my hands'
Asked his date, 'Can you use these pliers?'
I suppose it wouldn't be that bad to star in a cheesy tv show if the show was about cheese.
Careful what you order in the Korean noodle shop. It might arrive with mayonnaise on top.
Why are there no great InCel stand-up comics? And people say feminists aren't funny.
Ever heard of "Story Mapping"? Apparently it's a cult thing. A box of air for which people pay money.
"Come meet Baby Kim!" said the invite. Brought little knitted slippers. Turned out it was a kimberly monitor lizard.
Maybe covid virus can be spread by our ears. Do not go out without earplugs! Also, do not drop your pants in public.
I thought I saw Johnny Depp downtown, wearing a girly hat. But it was Jennifer Tilly.
Workman Abe always left his tools for you.
His hammer, his level, his wrench, his nails.
His electric drill, clamps, vice grips, screws too
Left them hither and yon, habit never fails.
From Timbuktu to Hackensack his stuff he lends.
Some called him up to give him back his stuff.
Unconcerned, he said that’s okay; keep them my friends.
Workman Abe simply did not care, his habits rough.
If he came back to do another job, of course he left his tools.
Knowing that you might call him back; worked well for renewals.
Rollo Rigby was a lover of candy
he kept a big supply ever handy.
But he became so obese
he waddled like geese.
He quit candy but is hooked on brandy
(making his life fine and dandy).
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