Best Handy Poems
Nail fools when I bang this hammer, construction worker
I use my tool, that's my chick, I love to work her
Ain't putting her on the strip, no prostitution
She's my problem solver, always got a solution
Put haters to sleep, tuck 'em, not in the bed
Love to give head, no sucking, fill the dome with lead
Me and her have intercourse, love to bust
A wonderful relationship, filled with trust
I'm twisted, like an almond, I'm a nut
Loose screws, gonna force me to tighten ya'll up
Crazy, Bang! Now ya' really lost ya' minds
Mess around and squeal, skin you pigs, call that pork-rinds
Demolition, I level fools, leave 'em flatline
Better not slip up, I'll run down on you, like your spine
Haters wanna hate, it's time to segregate
The real from the fake, hope you can relate
Backstabbing fools, smile in your face
That's why I'm handy, the hammer's on my waist
Mess around, make me catch a big case
Gotta' get away, try and make some space
Hopping on planes, to get away from lames
'Bout to change my name, ain't switching my game
Can't trust haters, trying to mess up your life
They're filled with strife, cut 'em off, where's my knife
They done made me mad, go grab my tools
For my craft, time to put work on these fools
Categories:
handy, life, metaphor, people, poems,
Form:
Rhyme
There was a bearded Irish man
who had the very largest hand
whose fingers plunged
when my hips lunged
all his digits at my command.
Categories:
handy, funny, funny love,
Form:
Limerick
I went out with a boy called Andy
Whose tipple was Courvoisier Brandy
He was a typical bloke ~~~
But whilst drunk, he groped ~~~~
For the Brandy had turned this boy randy
http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-3.php
Categories:
handy, funny, girlfriend-boyfriend
Form:
Limerick
Tap tap-tap-tap tap-tap
He hunts and pecks his words
Each one seems a struggle
Just to get the ink to the paper
He does this incessantly
From four in the morning until noon
Everyday.
What’s he writing in there?
I see him leave every afternoon
Always the same clothes and shoes
Where is he going?
He’s gone for hours
And then suddenly he’s back.
That bicycle full of sacks
Some from True Value
Others from Wally World
And even some from a woman’s boutique
What’s he doing in there?
From 9:00 PM till midnight
I hear voices and music playing
But no one come or goes
It appears to be just him.
And then it settles down to the click clack
Of an old typewriter and the silence of a lamb
What’s he writing in there?
What’s he doing in there?
Someone needs to know
He’s not a troublemaker
But someone needs to know
Someone needs to know
Someone needs to know.
Categories:
handy, confusion, horror, psychological,
Form:
Free verse
Rollo Rigby was a lover of candy
he kept a big supply ever handy.
But he became so obese
he waddled like geese.
He quit candy but is hooked on brandy
(making his life fine and dandy).
Categories:
handy, addiction, candy,
Form:
Limerick
Handy Man
I am some handy man
I say to myself
So I grab the sander
From off of the shelf
I grab the sandpaper
I tighten the belt
When they see what I’ve done
Their hearts will just melt
I’ll sand those floors
Till they’re smooth as glass
And I’ll do it all
Sitting square on my ass
So I’m down on the floor
My legs spread out wide
The sander is ready
To just simply glide
So I flip the switch
And it comes to life
Roars right up my leg
Cuts my pants like a knife
My eyes are wide open
No sound do I make
I think to myself
I have made a mistake
It’s amazing the visuals
The human mind sees
Between feeling the pain
And the trigger I squeeze
Something is terribly wrong
Now I fear
As I scramble to finally
Get up off of my rear
One word of advice
Sand your floors if you dare
But not with the sander
Between legs and your pair
Categories:
handy, work,
Form:
Rhyme
Please lend me your handy man
Let’s share HIM! Now that’s a plan
I too need some FUN
So be a dear, hon
And send me that Irish man
I won’t keep him very long
Oh, dear, now that would be wrong
I’ll send him to you
When my OOOOOOssss are through
For to you he does belong!!!!
EMG
OH I'm NAUGHTY! Please read Debbie Guzzi's Limerick ...The Handy Man! Deb...don't KILL ME!
Categories:
handy, funny, giggle,
Form:
Limerick
Handy Andy, such a dandy;
Left his lunch bag in the pantry.
Ended up at a drive thru;
Where Chef Lou had the flu;
Sick Andy’s no so handy.
Categories:
handy, fun, humor, humorous, image,
Form:
Limerick
As sweet and fluffy as cotton candy
Is my love who is so handy
With his repair kit to fix things dandy
It's so nice to have man about___eyecandy
Categories:
handy, family, funny, husband, introspection,
Form:
Rhyme
I suppose it wouldn't be that bad to star in a cheesy tv show if the show was about cheese.
Careful what you order in the Korean noodle shop. It might arrive with mayonnaise on top.
Why are there no great InCel stand-up comics? And people say feminists aren't funny.
Ever heard of "Story Mapping"? Apparently it's a cult thing. A box of air for which people pay money.
"Come meet Baby Kim!" said the invite. Brought little knitted slippers. Turned out it was a kimberly monitor lizard.
Maybe covid virus can be spread by our ears. Do not go out without earplugs! Also, do not drop your pants in public.
I thought I saw Johnny Depp downtown, wearing a girly hat. But it was Jennifer Tilly.
Categories:
handy, food, funny, humor, humorous,
Form:
Epigram
Our son"s name is Andy
He has a friend named Randy
Other people call him Handy Andy
Because he gets things done
He works alone
Getting his job done.
Categories:
handy,
Form:
Rhyme
As night grows closer
And the days get cooler
You'll hover inside of your hermit shell.
Then one night inside of a hall
We'll pass each other by.
You'll speak too fast for your lips
And your skin will scorch the sun.
As you try to take back what you've
Been meaning to say
I compensate with one word,
"Ditto."
And your head is sudden in spin.
We'll leave the floor to get some air
Outside these hollow walls.
You'll take me to your winded car
Where ashes fall below the stars like
Crippled men with strengthened arms
From keeping up with women.
I'd tell you not to fear my touch
And slide your hand unto my skin.
Let me know when you'll begin.
I'll always keep my black dress handy.
Categories:
handy, life, love, passion, night,
Form:
Free verse
There was a beautiful girl called Mandy
Barman Andy loved mixing her Shandy
He did strange cocktails
Topped with frothy ales
She blew off his foam, to sip the Brandy
A Funny Limerick - Make me Laugh Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Tania Kitchin
Howmanysyllables 10/10/5/5/10
11/06/22
Categories:
handy, allusion, drink, fun,
Form:
Limerick
The Handy Work of God
David J Walker
I call them my flowers
as if
They were really mine
As if I really
Owned the earth
as if I could
Make the sun shine
as if could
call down the rain
as if I could refrain
the storms angry hailstones
As if
I were anything more
Than the gardener
Admiring the handy work
of God
Categories:
handy, god,
Form:
Rhyme
Andy's guided a train
Flown a small plane
Steered the wheel of a ship
Spurred a horse with a whip
Maneuvered a 64-foot truck
Kayaked in a typhoon
Won a motorcycle race
Landed perfectly on the moon
Then Andy went on a date
Pop, Pop -- two flat tires
Said, 'I'm not much with my hands'
Asked his date, 'Can you use these pliers?'
Categories:
handy, car, hero, humor,
Form:
Light Verse