Best Hire Poems
I’ve picked it up a hundred times
yet dropped it just once more
So I give up, the blasted thing
can lay there on the floor
And stepping out onto the porch
I hit the ice and slipped
As I walked back into the house
I stubbed my toe and tripped
While dancing round in pain
I then collided with a table
For when it comes to graceful moves
I’m really quite unstable
Perhaps there is a simple way
to turn this all around
My clumsiness could work for me
each time I hit the ground
I could be a klutz for hire
stumbling for cash
I’ll charge my clients by the slip
the flip, the flop, the bash
If you need something dropped and broken
clearly I’m your man
If anyone can smash your stuff
this klutz for hire can
Perhaps you have a wall or door
that needs a good hard thump
Just be aware my going rate
is seven bucks per lump
I could knock your sister down
or trip into your aunt
Or I can make a great big mess
and kick your potted plant
And if your pets are underfoot
and adding to the drama
I’ll have to charge you extra
if I suffer blunt force trauma
There’s nothing quite as comical
and what a sight to see
as goldfish bouncing on the floor
It is my specialty
And when I fall I scream out loud
to add to the effect
I’ll see you get your money’s worth
when your whole house is wrecked
So call my number any time
My estimates are free
It’s 1-800-S T U-
M B L and E
© Mike Wise
1/30/19
In the economy of social grace
I was losing in the great rat-race.
No wealth could I accumulate
I’d scarcely get a second date.
My Wall Street stock was always down
mere junk bonds of no great renown.
I was not suave, I had no game
the outcome always just the same:
“I know I said that you were hired,
I changed my mind, so now you’re fired.”
The ladies sent me on my way
I was too awkward, so they’d say.
It wasn’t easy on my pride
that I was under-qualified
for every opportunity
of love in my community.
Then one day something in my mind
clicked, and soon I seemed to find
that it was easier than before
to find some ladies who’d adore
me for my sharp, observant wit
and though I tried, I couldn’t quit
taking pleasure as I’d say,
“I like you…but please go away.”
It seemed my stock had turned around
*cha-ching* Oh, how I loved the sound
of social prowess in my pocket
jingling as my bonds would rocket.
And as I climbed up rung by rung,
I felt I had a golden tongue,
and always knew the perfect phrase
to get the job, or get a raise
at every opportunity
of love in my community.
But when I met you, in my mind
something clicked, I seemed to find
my thoughts were just a murky mess,
my stocks went down, and I confess,
I think we just might be soul-mates
brought together by the fates.
You have that sparkle in your eyes
that always takes me by surprise.
I get lost every time you’re near
I stumble and I think it’s clear,
I never know quite what to say;
I’m awkward, when you come my way.
I fidget, fumble and perspire
but if you’re looking for one to hire,
I’ll take this opportunity
for love in my community
to show up at your interview,
‘cause all the wealth I want, is you!
06/20/15
Preston Graham
Submission for Contest: The Interview
Hosted by: Judy Konos
I don’t know.
So I don’t starve.
So that I can subscribe to the 40 hour work week.
So I can have my life in the hands of capitalist kings.
Who have their lives in the hands of market gods.
So that I can join the many that have good work ethic
Which basically means being in a state of gratefulness for this tiring job
This life sapping job.
You should hire me because I’ll be a good, not passionate worker.
I’m just passionate about being financially stable.
So I can have my life in seconds, enjoy it in stolen minutes.
So in those seconds I can say
Hey. I’m a working gal.
I think all this. I know all this.
My mouth opens
“I think it’ll be a great opportunity to work with your prestigious organization. I am ready to give the very best of myself to align and uplift the mission of this place”
I’m ready to give my soul away.
I am applying for the consultant position
of Office Manager for which I will audition.
I am undeniably qualified to deal with nitwits
and idiots I will immediately classify as 'twits.'
My solution to deal with those people is fair
It may not be righteous, but I don't care.
If your company is greedy to make money,
it's ok with me. Just give me my check, honey.
I don't browbeat employees with a big stick
when they come in late or say they're sick
I'll crack the whip on any numbskull at work
and there's one less lazy fool I'll call a jerk.
If you think my method is severe over kill,
you're right, because I don't show good will
to jackasses who keep making me mutter
words you would only hear in a street gutter.
I'll get control and do what needs to be done
and I promise I'll try not to pull out a real gun.
I'll need some handcuffs and maybe a jail cell.
Give me free rein and everything will be swell.
My resume' experience speaks for itself.
Once, I've even fired an Elf on the Shelf
I did it without a good reason or just cause
so you can waiver that harrassment clause.
You can hire me now for a trial run.
Keep me on or fire me, but I'm the one
you need to give brainless creatures the boot...
not due to my work ethic, cuz I don't give a hoot.
He’s a married man who lost his job,
During a depressed economic time;
Willing to do laborious work around your house -
Any kind of odd job he can find.
The kind of things a husband normally would do,
For women who lived without a man;
He could come over and take care of them,
Doing anything that he possibly can.
He could lift heavy boxes or mend a broken fence;
Cut your grass or even take you to a dance;
His wife even said she would look the other way
If you want other husbandly duties and are willing to pay.
He would do his job well then he wouldn’t hang around;
The best thing going all the single ladies found.
By word of mouth recommendations were spread;
Better than in his last job he kept his family fed.
Married women even had jobs for him to do,
When their husbands were travelling for a night or two;
His calendar fills fast so call now if you want him,
He’ll do what he can to try to fit you in.
He’s a married man who lost his job,
During a depressed economic time;
Willing to do laborious work around your house -
Any kind of odd job he can find.
I do not long for a crown,
Nor for an abode in Heaven,
O omnipotent, omnipresent God!
You are a just employer Lord!
Though you have imposed on me,
A daunting task,
Only a menial’s hire,
Is all that I ask!! ----
----Only a menial’s hire,
Is all that I ask!! ----
Man, seldom a straightforward animal,
Long lost in the deserts of weariness,
Wants to flee from a life of denial,
Wallows no less still in piles of warm ash,
And feeling hurt, he nurses hidden strife,
Busy harming the self his very own
With some weird philosophy of life
That plunges him in world to him unknown.
World’s in world-wide pain as per German tongue—
Weltschmerz, modern word coined by Jean Richter,
And weltanschauung, one more and also young,
A vast field where the world’s lost in welter.
We see pain, angst in many urchins’ eyes
That beg for crumbs and still cherish a dream,
A look that child's raw innocence espies
Still, aims one day to claim his choicest cream.
Eyes of a house-help show this no less clear
Than householder’s deeply dunk in hardship,
Both dream of making good, both gag a tear,
None of them knows to laugh nor freely weep.
Take daily grind— working in rank odour,
Pitiable public passage, crowded
Journeys, jostles—the rush for earning bread,
The woes of world seen seldom ever ere.
Take a mid-age man, ill at ease, in mime,
And women, hair-dyed, face done up, pushing,
Prancing, pretending having a great time,
What with sad eyes, drunk or doped still showing.
In false bluster, all these men and women,
Unable, woes of their harsh life to change,
Mock at the dangers in a disco den,
And behave in ways bordering on strange,
Running away from reality's face,
Hiding their pain, they try hard to escape—
Escape from this never-ending rat-race,
Yet, cannot stop this reality's rape.
The truth of truth: we all passengers are
On a galloping horse on hire, Desire,
Maverick, even as a movie star,
Rich much as poor, all plunged in a deep mire.
Fortunate few that might face no travails—
The rich Americans— spending today,
Which, for long years their progeny might pay,
Who’d survive this rat race that all us ails?
They that cherish weird dreams and chase mirage,
Not else but very own future mortgage.
________________________________________
Ode |05.10.2011, revised, June 2023| dreams
Poet’s note: Weltschmerz: (welt = world, schmertz = pain), apathetic or vaguely yearning outlook on life, and weltanschauung: (welt = world, anschauung = perception), philosophy of life, conception of the world.
Give me
your liars
your greedy
your thieves
you unlawful
people of no principals
and no ethics
Of these
I will hire the best
I'll answer you true I know more than you
of computers and websites as well
The problem you see is net latency
and I fear it's to techy to tell
I'm guessing this server is getting quite full
of the poems we post every day
the who's online page must wait for a lull
to be updated in every way
I've noticed as well it is hard to tell
if I am logged on or not
logout is there whenever I stare
at the home page, it cares not a jot
In response to ANY COMPUTER WIZARDS OUT THERE by loopylu loopylu
Thanks for the inspiration
Unwanted for hire
Minimal money desired
I am gifted and hold a degree
Posted it plainly, for all to read
I'm Experienced in degrading deeds
come spend a dime your inhibitions are freed
I'll hear your heartaches, I'll hear your sin
I'll speak to no one about where you have been
Things that happen but aren't often seen
Corrupted, disrupted, I am a queen
some call me degenerate, some call me kind
yet there those who'll give money still waiting inline
All bids are in;
that sacred honor ...had a price.
The profane sanctified;
a flag became a calf of gold
our highest office, sold.
There, looking in the hollows for the
substance of a dream, lurking,
waiting for the light of reason,
one Persephone to grace
a hopeless cause
for hope dies hard
and sweet of taste
and power would hearts inspire
lest God forget
this fulsome scene
and bless the earth entire!
~
Before you hire that cleaner,
Check their pockets for 3 things that will get your house cleaner.
A wooden toothpick will get rid of the gunk that stops your taps being cleaner,
A wooden oven skewer has a longer reach to make an oven cleaner,
A tooth brush to work its magic to get clean even cleaner.
Anything that you should or may desire,
Name it and I'll provide best possible rendition.
I love to use this gift of God for talking to the world,
So please challenge me with your most wanted requests.
I do fear nothing with that exception of never speaking again,
Death may end it all yet my spirit's lips will always move.
Where does the dread lie if not within one's mortal soul?
Last breath giving more pain relief than morphine.
Copyright © 2014 Robert William Gruhn - All Rights Reserved
"A poem to me is the essence of any thought,
Being built from its foundation into tower scraping sky.
It can fly like no other bird to places never seen,
Even spaceships can only dream of taking its place."
© 2014 Robert William Gruhn
Fresh face
Eager to please
Gung-ho, great attitude
Reminds us of how we once were
Rookie
Yellow duck applied for the waitress job
Should I hire her? Asked my pal Rob.
Can she hold a tray?
Not really, but she is an angry duck.
And I don’t want to end up dead.
Sure, hire her, I told him.
Isn’t that why we hire most people?