Would You Hire Me: a Resume

I am applying for the consultant position of Office Manager for which I will audition. I am undeniably qualified to deal with nitwits and idiots I will immediately classify as 'twits.' My solution to deal with those people is fair It may not be righteous, but I don't care. If your company is greedy to make money, it's ok with me. Just give me my check, honey. I don't browbeat employees with a big stick when they come in late or say they're sick I'll crack the whip on any numbskull at work and there's one less lazy fool I'll call a jerk. If you think my method is severe over kill, you're right, because I don't show good will to jackasses who keep making me mutter words you would only hear in a street gutter. I'll get control and do what needs to be done and I promise I'll try not to pull out a real gun. I'll need some handcuffs and maybe a jail cell. Give me free rein and everything will be swell. My resume' experience speaks for itself. Once, I've even fired an Elf on the Shelf I did it without a good reason or just cause so you can waiver that harrassment clause. You can hire me now for a trial run. Keep me on or fire me, but I'm the one you need to give brainless creatures the boot... not due to my work ethic, cuz I don't give a hoot.