Best Hairballs Poems
For turning my eyes into shallow Pacific blues,
because nobody likes Chocolate.
For transforming the freckled clusterbomb on my face,
into baby skin smoothness!
Because freckles are humanity’s alleged worst enemy
and I refuse to allow my self-confidence to stay Pro-Activ.
Thank you, Photoshop
for giving me that liposuction I ALWAYS wanted
in less than 10 minutes!
Working out is BENEATH me!
And I’m too busy dating these "5 Guys".
Thank you for bathing me in your Black & White Fountain of Youth!
60 is the used 25!
I refuse attempts in removing this fallacy
crawling under my lifted eye sockets.
My wisdom wrinkles shall stay imploded under pretentious needle.
Otherwise, I can’t continue to be fed
flirtatious appetizers by horny sheeple
and bi-curious copycats
hocking hairballs at the sight
of my airbrushed collagen lips
while they dry hump my computer generated thighs.
Their retinas grope my artificially inflated Grand Canyons
which are really only peaked valleys.
Yet, they won’t look at my defaults…
So, I thank you Photoshop
for being unable
to crop my misery.
© Drake J. Eszes
"Dedicated to those who are unable to look within themselves." -D.J.E.
Step 1-Live in a grand palace with your overbearing father or evil stepmother.
Step 2-Even though you are a princess and live in a palace or castle you have to remember to whine all the time. Complain about how boring your life is.
Step 3- Because your life is so boring you now must do everything in your power to escape the palace and piss off your father or stepmother. Like runaway with some street rat you met in the marketplace, or swim to your cave full of items that you think are magical when they are really just pollution, lose your shoe at a magic ball you were forbidden to go to and finally stay with the hideous man beast who kidnapped you.
Step 4- Find your prince no matter what!
Step 5-Make a deal with an evil witch just so your prince will notice you. The classics are taking a strange apple from some old woman, trading your voice to a creepy octopus lady that will be sure to give you nightmares, or staying in the castle to show the creepy werewolf guy that you love him no matter what spell he is under.
Step 6-Sit and wait. Don't worry your prince will come. Eventually. I mean how long could it be. It's not like you can tell him you want him. Some octopus ***** stole your voice. And also the street rat...he isn't really a prince but he has a genie best friend so you can lie to your father about that one. And poor Cinderella waiting for Mr. Charming to come with her slipper that somehow only fits her. Apparently that kingdom was filled with Sasquatch women.
Step 7-Finally get your kiss! Yay! You can talk again. You finally woke up from your deep sleep. Man beast was actually really handsome once the spell was broken...don't worry about the hairballs you'll be hacking up for a week.
Step 8-Live happily ever after. Marry the love of you life who you just met like a day ago and leave people asking what happens after that.
My Persian LICKS with abandon
A cat with a mission in hand'en
When suddenly he chokes
HAIRBALLS stuck in his throat
And upchucks over me where I'm standin'!
Written on 5/20/2015
I brush my cat for five minutes daily,
But she just wiggles and struggles and swats;
All I want is to enhance her beauty,
All I need is to get rid of those knots.
Oh darn the shedding, mating and hairballs,
She is very angry with me for hours;
I try to hold her but away she crawls,
I tempt her with treats but she looks so sour.
So I decided to give her a short cut,
Oh so baleful and upset and angry;
Now she is a lion on my blanket,
She sure looked mad as a hornet to me.
Staring with those eyes saying I bite,
Oh poor kitty you do look quite a sight!
__________________
October 24, 2015
Poetry/English Sonnet/"The Cat Is Mad" as a Hornet
Copyright Protected, ID 15- 720-797-0
All Rights Reserved. Written under Pseudonym.
WESTERN WINDS
Alaskan huskies
sense the breeze combing the park ~
tumbleweed hairballs
9/26/2017
I brush for fifteen minutes my kitty,
as she growls, wiggles and struggles and swats;
all I want to do is make her pretty,
I just need to get rid of a few knots.
Oh, all that shedding, moulting and hairballs,
she is very angry with me for hours;
I kiss her but no way- away she crawls,
I give her treats so she will not be sour.
But in time she forgives and she forgets,
we snuggle on the sofa together;
sweet joy, I got a knot out- no regrets,
except she bit me hard, oh whatever.
Kitty is silky and soft - an angel,
I love her although it can be painful.
_____________________________
August 27, 2016 (edit)
Poetry/Sonnet/Silky Kitty
Copyright Protected, ID 16- 1084-4010-01
All Rights Reserved. Written under Pseudonym.
I brush for fifteen minutes my kitty,
as she growls, wiggles and struggles and swats;
all I want to do is make her pretty,
I just need to get rid of a few knots.
Oh, all that shedding, moulting and hairballs,
she is very angry with me for hours;
I kiss her but no way- away she crawls,
I give her treats so she will not be sour.
But in time she forgives and she forgets,
we snuggle on the sofa together;
sweet joy, I got a knot out- no regrets,
except she bit me hard, oh whatever.
Kitty is silky and soft - an angel,
I love her although it can be painful.
_____________________________
August 27, 2016
Poetry/Sonnet/"Soft and Silky"
Copyright Protected, ID 16-823-550-0
All Rights Reserved. Written under Pseudonym.
For the contest, English Sonnet
First Place
(The kitty hanging in overalls shown for Francine Roberts' contest
inspired this one but it won't be entered in the contest.)
Just wait 'til I get my claws on the jerk that left me hangin' here!
You suspend me in these ridiculous overalls and then you disappear!
You would never do this to your darlin' pet, that pugnacious pug,
That slobberin' slob, that arrogant beast, struttin' around so smug!
So, I broke that fancy vase and ripped the curtains with my claws.
This ain't no way to treat a pretty kitty - this really tightens my jaws!
If I ever get down from here, I'll take pleasure in seekin' revenge!
On this awkward situation you've put me in, I surely will avenge!
I'm gonna leave hairballs all over the place - on your favorite chair,
And on your fancy couch and in your food, you'll find my silky hair!
I ain't gonna catch that mouse and I hope he eats all your cheese,
And that you become so allergic to me that all you'll do is sneeze!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
It’s almost 3:00 AM
and I’m still scrolling down my newsfeed
bored to death and moody
sick of laughing at the same jokes
unable
to appreciate anything, everything sucks
too tired and too lazy, can’t do much
chat is off, not even in the mood to talk
already having conversations with songs
in times like this, food comes in handy
fries with cheese, pizza, cupcakes and candy
it wouldn’t hurt to get a drink
so I go to the fridge
sneaking so I don’t wake anyone up
a night owl’s life, it’s time for lunch
I sip on the way back
payback
now I have to take a leak
my stomach hurts, it’s making me
want to do it in the hallway
I run all the way
to the bathroom, kicking the door
out of the blue I dropped my drink
all shocked, I wish
I hadn’t
what I saw was too much
too graphic, I'm looking in disgust
I dropped on my knees
and started throwing up
the bathroom all full of blood
and buzzing flies, the floor all full of guts
flesh and remains of all my loved ones
with feces and hairballs everywhere
I pinch myself hoping it’s a nightmare
but they all hurt more than what I saw
in tears backing up slowly about to call the law
I bumped into something or someone
I hope it’s just the wall
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i like dogs
but not cats you see
they get on my nerves
'cause they're just too finikee
Dogs like to play
and cats like top sleep
It's not hard to decide
which one to keep
I like to hear
the bark of a dog
not the meow of a cat
I'd rather have
chew'd up furniture
than hairballs resembling
a 3 day old dead rat!
here kitty, kitty, is all you need say,
if you're real lucky, they'll come your way
they know your voice, your sounds,
when they're, not the only kitty around
they love to eat, groom, to play,
their favorite pastime, find a sunbeam,
sleep away the day
when they're prowling, running, jumping,
in their own little world, who knows?
maybe its catnip, maybe its squirrels
they cuddle and purr, cute little bundles of fur,
a mind of their own, fascination, and bewilderment,
abound, uncanny intelligence, reasons for keeping,
kitty around
they have a, favorite person, that one,
they most love, in appreciation,
use their favorite things as a scratching post
stretching, yawning, time for a nap,
awaiting night, the time, they naturally hunt,
slithering room to room looking for prey,
occasionally, to pounce, when their shadow,
gets in the way, seldom successful,
they really don't care, they know,
you're the best hunter, they'll eat well today
we love them, that's a fact, tis strange indeed,
they produce nothing of value, bring in no pay,
only their nine lives, to survive, day to day
don't bother to call them, they seldom come,
rather, take a message, get back to you later,
when their sunbeam is done
these finicky hairballs, of teeth and sharp nails,
why do we love them, bring them into our home,
these furry little creatures,
with attention deficit syndrome, say here kitty, kitty,
you'll question no more
life without kitty, for even one day,
don't have to think about it,
there just, ain't, no way
here kitty, kitty
the colorful, condescending cat sat on a meaty, meaningful mat while eating a repugnant, ruthless rat
the caring, contented cat sat on this a mangy, murderous mat while eating a remarkable, rough, ruthless rat
the clean, clear cat sat on a mellow, while coughing up huge horrific, heaved hairballs magical mat after digesting it…
3/4/2020
written words by James Edward Lee Sr. 2020©
Uneasy and queasy cos my TV set
Is showing another celebrity vet
My legs are crossed tight, just as tight as they get
Has that little dog lost his testicles yet
While eating my lunch, or was it my dinner
The cat on the screen getting thinner and thinner
The head vet was busy, so here’s a beginner
On his second attempt to stick that needle in ‘er
My hunger abates as the scalpel cuts in
And the cyst on his throat splatters poor kittie’s chin
My two horrid teenagers sit there and grin
But my spag bolognese now resides in the bin
The very long glove, that is slippery and wet
Is meant for the cow, though they’ve only just met
The vet seems as happy as any I’ve met
Till the cow follows through and enshrouds the poor vet
With Flopsy’s guts broadcast in X-ray exposure
While Tiddles pukes hairballs inside his enclosure
I wish it was more like a nice glossy brochure
As another castration destroys my composure
Date: 30 May 2019
Contest: What Makes You Flinch
Sponsor: Julie Leigh Rodeheaver
[The Candyman]
Who can take a hairball?
Blame it on the cat
Flush it down the tank
And you laugh a lot for that
It’s the handyman
Yes, it's the handyman
The handyman can
‘Cause you pay him for the laugh
When the laugh is on you
Yes, the laugh is on you
‘Cause he took you for a fool
And he’s not done yet
(No, he’s not done yet!)
The handyman makes
Everything he breaks
Work again for just a minute
It’s your money-did he win it
Only when you hear him spin it
Now you got a problem
Who you gonna call?
Your handyman is gone
‘Til the late, late fall
But he’s your handyman
Yes, he's your handyman
And your handyman can
If you bought the monthly plan
And your boa gets loose
When your boa gets loose
Then your cat disappears
And the hairballs stop
(So the skids run dry)
Now, you can laugh again
Yes, you can laugh again
Give the man a hug
For a slime-free rug
'Cause he's your handyman.
after months
many moons
taking to my
hairbrush
pulling out
the hair that
my brush had
pulled out
from my head
and beard but
what to do
with it as it
seems a waste
to throw away
so pondering
thoughts thinking
recycle
so first i tried
to be a cat and
swallow then
throw up
but
hairballs
aren't any
fun so then
drying it out
trying to
push it in
as if lint
into my
bellybutton
but it was
too small so
next
puckering my
lips as to kiss
adding this
hair to where
my mustache
already
exists
it tickled
my nose
to sneeze not
wanting none
of this
so thus lit
the lightbulb
above my head
a great idea
super gluing
back where
it had
come
from
touche
toupee