Best Funnychristmas Poems
Upon this very merry Christmas night,
Mrs. Claus has reason to be uptight,
Not Rudolph’s nose that’s red,
But Mr. Claus’s instead,
He rides slopes in sleigh with Miss Fanny Bright!
For Christmas Contest
Sponsored by Francine Roberts
Dear Alan Titmarsh, how are you.
I do hope you and everyone else, enjoyed themselves at the do.
If you are ever in Ruddington,could you please give me a hand.
I’m trying so hard to create a garden, with a matchbox sized piece of land.
I don’t seem to have green fingers at all.
All the heads of the flowers, just jump off, when I’m playing football.
Everything I touch, and try to grow, seems to shrivel up and die.
It doesn’t seem to matter, just how hard I try.
Today I have just planted the Christmas tree in a tub,
I hope it doesn’t get some awful bug .
I want it to grow, but everyone keeps telling me it will die.
If it does I will cry.
Next Christmas I want this tree outside with fairy lights on it.
But if it dies my husband will bin it.
Yesterday I planted 100 bulbs all in tubs
,
But they will probably go to Australia or get eaten by grubs.
Last week I watch the secret garden on TV,
That is how I really want mine to be.
So please can you come and give me a hand,
And create me a beautiful garden, with this matchbox size piece of land.
The family is all gathered,
Just like Christmas Day;
All lined up in bikini’s,
Soaking up the ray’s;
The beach front sure is hot,
In the middle of July;
On the deck catchin’ catfish,
So we can have a catfish fry;
Playin’ beach volleyball,
In Daisy Duke shorts;
With friends and family,
Of all different sorts;
At night there’s a bonfire,
We’re all makin’ S’mores;
It’s so nice to spend,
Our Christmas outdoors;
It’s a gift to be here together,
And that’s what Christmas brings;
It doesn’t matter the time of year,
From winter to summer to spring;
And I sure love when Christmas,
Comes around in July;
All those warm and fuzzy feelings,
When the temperature is high!
What kind of Christmas would this be.
I fell asleep while decorating the tree.
Santa woke me with a smile.
He said, "It's been a long while"
Then dumped Rudolph's dung on me!
*For Francine Roberts Christmas contest.
The turkey king struts around the yard this year
Nothing is to bother him he has nothing to fear
With Christmas around the corner he has to be brave
He has lots of Christmas turkeys that he must save
The butchers are sharpening their knives already
The turkey king is very wise, old and steady
All the turkeys are gobbling around the yard
Making their escape will be dangerous and hard
‘Await my orders’ the turkey king does shout
All the turkeys are gobbling and running about
The turkey king see’s a big black van arrive
This is his chance to keep his turkeys alive
As the big black van doors open the turkey king see’s
‘Ok turkeys, now’s the time, be off with thee’
Turkey’s gobble as they run into the big black van
They all run through the doors as fast as they can
Those turkeys are the kings now as they end up on the table
The turkey king thought he’d saved them all but he wasn’t able
He will never know what happened to his turkey clan
Next year he will do the same again to help them if he can
Proud is the mighty turkey that sits in pride of place
With its stuffing cooked perfectly we will feed our face
The turkey king will not adorn the Christmas meal
The meat on this old turkey king has lost its appeal
'Entered in Donna's contest'
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hills
The kinfolk were drinkin' as they tend to their stills
The longjohns were hung by the chimney with care
No stockings were found, just underwear
The children were nestled so high in their bunks
Their quilts made of skins from rabbits and skunks
Granny with her false teeth and gun on her knee
Was waiting for Santa as she sat by the tree
From out of the barn there arose such a noise
We thought it was Grandpa drinkin' with the boys
But what to my wandering eye should appear
It was just cousin Cleatus in mama's brassiere
And then from the rooftop we heard it at last
Like the sound of thunder or a shot gun blast
We have Christmas dinner, it's finally here
Granny kidnapped Santa while we shot his deer
Venison all covered with onions for stew
And even old Santa enjoyed some too
His belly was full when he walked out the door
But he couldn't resist when we offered him more
Well that's the story of our Christmas here
Merry Christmas to all 'til the same time next year
Popcorn popping in the mircowave
Going to decorate the tree
Yutetide carols being sung
On the stereo
Seems like Christmas to me
We know that Santa's on his way
He is flying in his magical sleigh
And every grandchild has an
Enquiring mind
Wanting to know if reindeer really
Know how to fly
And so I'm offering this simple
phrase
For all the kids who just won't do
Merry Christmas , Merry Christmas to you
(To the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire)
Pray sit a while, while I relate this christmas tale for you,
as told to me by a dear dear friend, (I believe it almost true!)
Imagine, by a cottage wall, a snowman stands, forlorn,
made by busy childlike hands, early that very morn,
Alighting on a nearby tree, my friend Cock Robin came,
he knew he had been there before, for everthing looked the same,
"Horatio!" the bird did cry, at the sight of his old old friend
"my dear old man, a twelvemonth's past, and still you do not bend?"
Alas, dear Robin is unheard, at least that's what he fears,
"perhaps my friend Horatio has lost his snowy ears!"
And so he perches nearer by to let the snowman see,
that 'tis Cock Robin he would spy, (if only he would see!)
Horatio turns not left nor right, he does not make a sound,
and poor Cock Robin must decide to stay and stand his ground!
"What jest is this Horatio?, for I know it is thee!",
" I know your eyes, I know your coat, with black coal buttons three"
" and though it has been many month's, you must remember me!"
Yet still the snowman looks ahead, Cock Robin thinks him rude,
"I shall away" the bird did say "from your haughty attitude"
Then, all at once the big church bell began it's midnight chime,
to call all souls to praise the lord, for it is Christmas time!,
"Horatio! Horatio! it is the magic night!",
the bird then darted here and there and sang with all his might!'
For, on the ground the snow white man began to dance with glee,
singing songs of Christmas cheer, and whistling merrily!.
Our Christmas tree
After we were married and Christmas would come near,
We would go buy a tree and my wife would dress it with care.
All through the holidays it stood straight and tall,
After the holidays I would drag it out through the hall.
I would drag it through the hall and down the stairs,
Balls and lights breaking all the way, but who cares.
My wife would ask, are you crazy,
I would say no this way was easy and I was just lazy.
Year after year buying a new tree, new lights and balls,
End of the season and there I go dragging the tree through the halls.
When we moved to our own home we had a tree for Christmas day,
End of the season I opened the door and out went the tree the same old way.
My wife and daughters said I was crazy and no more,
No more will a tree go out the door.
The next year there was a fake tree on Christmas day,
After the season they told me to keep away.
The family would say how crazy and about the extra money,
My only thought that it was funny.
So every Christmas stands a fake tree,
No more trees out the door by me.
There's Dasher and Dancer
Then Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid
Then Donner and Blitzen
If you think these are reindeer
Then you would be wrong
And it's not crazy words
In some Christmassy song
See, they are my brothers
Don't anybody laugh
For these are hillbilly names
From Polecat Path
It's a place in the hills
In East Tennesee
On the top of a mountain
As high as can be
Here, Christmas is different
There's no reindeer or sleigh
We use an old covered wagon
It works better that way
We make toys in the smoke house
For most of the year
While smoking our hams
'Til Christmas is near
Then we load up the wagon
With granny on the reins
Her wooden teeth all gummy
With rootbeer stains
Now the wagon is pulled
By my brothers and I
We're plumb tuckered out
'Cause people can't fly
Well, you get the picture
About Christmas in the hills
It's a hillbilly adventure
On wagon wheels
Now there's much more to tell
But it's time to run off
'Cause we're loading the wagon
Your friend, Rudolph
Jacob got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from Bella's house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as vampires,
But as for me and Edward, we believe.
He woke up too late that morning
In his home town of La Push,
Then he headed over to Bella's
Where Edward decided to kick his tush
It was a not a tragic story
It was meant for him to go
Bella's better off without him
Because his evil ways were far too low
Jacob got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from Bella's house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as vampires,
But as for me and Edward, we believe.
They were all opening presents
No one noticed he was gone
They thought the smell was rather pleasant
Better than it was, since Breaking Dawn.
Bella realized he was missing
At the scene of the attack
luckily the death was painless
Because Edward would have made him tomorrow's snack
Jacob got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from Bella's house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as vampires,
But as for me and Edward, we believe.
Jacob got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from Bella's house Christmas Eve.
Luckily there are such things as vampires,
Because if not we all would surely grieve
There is no rhyme nor reason
For Christmas shopping season
Only during this season do you find out things you never knew
Like 80 year old women get football scholarships to BYU
An old man saw a dress that was just his wife’s style
So he tackled the woman holding it in the third aisle
A daddy bought Elmo to give his child some joy
A nun said I got a gun, so hand over the toy
It isn’t bad enough that someone’s stepping on your toes
But she’s letting her kid pull off Rudolph’s nose
Then I hear Santa saying ha ha ha hee hee hee
Because ho ho ho isn’t politically correct you see
Now I’m fuming, if there was a fire I’d fan it
I began to wonder if I was on the right planet
A little old lady put a bruise on my face
Then smiled at me so I sprayed her with mace
No one can imagine the way I felt
Until I put some mistletoe on the back of my belt
One thing for certain next year I’ll try
To do my Christmas shopping in July.
I woke up early on Christmas Eve
It was late, in the middle of the night
When I saw him under the Christmas tree
He give me such a terrible fright
I thought it must be a cat burglar
Who was trying to steal from me
And I had a fifty-two inch color television
Under that Christmas tree
So I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could
To try to find me a kinife
But I just couldn't find one anywhere
Remind me to have a talk with my wife
Anyway, I grabbed up the toaster behind the bread
That was sitting on the cabinet shelf
I snuck up behind him, like a ninja in sneakers
And was planning on killing that elf
Of course I didn't know it, at the time it occurred
That the fat man, was old Santa Claus
It wouldn't have mattered to me at all
Cause he touched my remote with his paws
I almost had him, when I heard this sound
That was coming from my very own kitchen
It was, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen
Those eight tiny reindeer had attacked me
I had hoofprints all over my head
And that's when the fat man in the big red suit
Turned around to me and said
"I'm just gonna borrow your color tv,
So I can watch the football game"
"The one in my workshop is only nineteen inches,
And it's really too small and lame"
Before I could tell him to forget it buddy
I heard the sound of him slamming my door
Those eight bully reindeer had wrapped me in tinsel
And left me helpless on the livingroom floor
Well, that was the last time I saw him
And my tv was never returned
So make sure you hide your color tv's
Take it from someone who's learned
Now all throughout the land we hear it said,
'Humbug' rings the air both loud and clear,
As all throughout the land the bills are paid
With Christmas funds we held both close and dear;
Without them, Christmas joy we’d lose, I fear.
It’s time to send the funds you’ve set apart,
Ensuring that goodwill remains so near
And Christmas will remain inside your heart.
I went to the club late on Christmas Eve,
There was a party like you wouldn't believe;
The beer was flowin', the place was loud,
A man could get lost just workin' the crowd;
I was on my second round and what did I see?
An old man with a beard was smiling at me;
He wore a red coat and he drove a sleigh;
Man, could that stranger slip and sway!
Santa is a line dancer, burnin' up the floor,
He's ringin' those bells, and he's ready to roar;
Santa is a line dancer, and he's got the beat,
Better make way for those magic feet.
I thought I was crazy, couldn't believe my eyes,
It's the Miller talkin', then I realized
Santa himself was out on the town,
Kickin' up his heels before he made his rounds;
He was a hit with the women under the mistletoe,
They sat on his lap, now wouldn't you know;
He took down their number, wouldn't you bet;
This was a Christmas they'd never forget.
I watched him take off in his turbo sleigh,
It had bucket seats and a microwave;
His side-kick was an elf in a mini skirt,
She wore a pointed hat and a sequined shirt;
I heard him shout as he hit the sky,
"Merry Christmas, y'all,I've got to fly!
Next Christmas Eve, I'll be ready for more,
Babe, I'll meet you out on the floor!"