Best Dern Poems

Why is sweetness a target for the buggiest frights?
Sweets do attract the sweet but
honey can come with a sting.
You see, the dern ants are in the honey jar
so I had to throw out the thing!

Why is it you can’t have anything sweet without ants?
You know,...

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Come Dance


"Come dance with me", she said and smiled
And he fell off his chair.
He blushed and rose and all the while
He couldn't help but stare.

Prettiest thing he'd ever saw
Was askin' him to dance.
If he could only work his jaw,
He'd dern shore take a chance.

He led...

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Although there be some debatin’
‘Bout if ol’ cowboys wear socks—
I can tell you fer a dern fact,
That true cowboys don’t wear Crocs.

They just don’t fit a stirrup right,
And bright colors scare the stock—
I’ll sure nuff shoot the first cowboy
I see wearin’ a new Croc!

Oh, we...

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Ben raised up a dern disappointment, Daddy, well, he wanted a boy.
Wasn’t nothing under the bleeding red sun Ma could do but keep on a tryin’
Ya’siree, she was one branded filly and dern iffin that filly didn’t birth a maverick.
Daddy, well he had him some...

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Mary, Mary

Mary, Mary, where yall be
Behind the shed I see
Sitting on a bucket
Two shakes and blow
Snakes eyes rolls

Mary, Mary, where yall  be
Gosh darn, dang it
Wrestling with Billy
over a piece of watermelon
One lick to the eye
cheek swell , black eye

Mary, Mary, where yall  be
I...

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I think that I shall never see
A cowboy that eats toe-foo—
Sech a dern thang jest could not be
In this ol’ bunkhouse crew!

Real men eats beef an’ pork an’ beans—
And all thangs within their reach—
Us real cowpokes drink coffee black—
Turn noses up at quiche!

Veggies should stay...

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This redneck is fixin' to go dancin'
You reckon we get gussied up and go?
I'll be a high flutin' and a prancin'
Is the honky-tonk puttin' on a show?

Shall I wear my fanciest clod hoppers?
Shall I phone all your fiddle playin' kin?
I am gonna be such a...

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T hey’d aughta not called nookie
H eaven’s blessed cookie...
E ither burd or bee, cause neither's a lookie! 

B urds well der feathered, not like me?
I n da interest of clarity, I’m certainly NO bee?
R obins do have red breasts and I have two, see?
D ern,...

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He's the last of the suburban cowboys
At the end of the cul-de-sac.
Oh, he may still have that Western Channel
To bring his memories right back--
But those days of Roy Rogers and Trigger,
They're now just fading to black--
He's riding alone in his condo home
And that's the gall...

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Now, ol’ Twister Tom he was quite a cowboy find—
A real rock hard cowpoke, though the question begged—
Some say that he was a legend in his own mind,
He’d a been six foot six if he weren’t so bow-legged!

But standin’ five foot two he was a...

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When strollin' by the ol' saloon,
on chairs they kept outside,
I spied a dried up, lonsome sort
folks walked by, but eyed.

He had a faithful doggie
with head laid on his knee.
The ol' man stroked him softly, 
kind, devotedly.

I stopped an' took a seat nearby,
then shared a cut...

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It seems the Old West and America
Are two of the many things we must save—
All these changes are coming much too fast—
Big John Wayne must be turning in his grave.

They’ve done and made cowboys an evil thing;
Seems like there aren’t no heroes anymore—
TV westerns and...

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I’m just a used-to-be cowboy
With one boot in the ol’ cow pie—
I used to be quite the young gent;
Now I just wait around to die.

Oh, you know you’re getting’ dern old
When your knees creak like your saddle—
And your skin feels just like leather
And you smell...

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Not all them ol’ time cowpokes
Wore them tight blue jeans, of course—
Most wore hot ol’ striped dress pants
Of thick cotton that was coarse.

It was Levi that came ‘round
To cover up our backside—
So we didn’t bust britches
When we went to take a ride.

Now they still got...

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There’s a long tradition of cowboys and their pals,
Watchin’ buckin’ broncos settin’ on wood corrals.
It’s something they enjoys and sure ‘nuff don’t avoids—
But, dern that wood is hard on their ol’ hemorrhoids!

Feels like they’s sittin’ on a brandin’ iron that’s hot—
It’s an awful feelin’ that...

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