Best Couch Potato Poems
Dear Lordy, what have you done
this loony spouse given me…
he rants and TV- clicks all night
much like a freakish banshee!
Obsessed with horror movies
remote control is life's drug:
This model needs rebooting,
It's time for urgent de-bug.
11/11/2017
Written for Kevin Shaw's Surreal and Daft
Couch Potato
You are sitting on my couch, now.
You are watching TV with my kid.
Yes, she is old enough to sit there.
She is technically, All Grown Up!
That is not the issue.
Be careful,
You are ever being…
watched.
For what?
The way you are;
What you do,
What you see,
What you think,
How you act,
How you react,
How I can best dispose of the body.
October is the best of months.
So much happens.
Harvest.
The bringing in of the crops,
leaves the soil… disturbed.
It also makes it easy to dig.
Gardening is a lot of fun.
When I walked through to the kitchen,
passing you, pawing my little girl like a wolf,
on my sofa…
you did not flinch, or use proper respect.
Some have done this before.
You are not the first.
You, lol…
Yes, I love to garden.
Sitting on the sofa
Munching on some chips
Not a care in the world
Of calories on the hips.
Slouched down on the cushion
The tv glued to his face
You ask him a question
But he's out in outer space.
You call him to the table
He won't leave his favorite chair
The sports are on the screen
He must eat his dinner there.
The man is getting fatter
Nothing you do will get him out
You turn the tube off
And all he does is shout.
This couch potato man
No further does he get
His life is all downhill
Cause he's caught within a net.
The tv screen has got him
It's made him very lame
He won't go out the door
This man has earned his name.
I AM A COUCH POTATO
By Roy Merritt
I am a couch potato, but not russet, red or white
I’m the kind of potato that sits up late at night
And I watch the TV shows the shows I really dig
And sit there in my chair and eat just like a pig
I eat hot dogs and burgers and sometimes even fries
And though we are related none of them ever cries
The only problem I see the problem with this place
Is how I might get more food to shove down in my face
And how I might get it to come right near to me
For its in my refrigerator some distance from me you see
And I know if it could hear me it would no doubt balk
If I dared to ask it to get up from there and walk
Bring me some bologna with mustard spread on bread
Bring me milk and cookies I need to be quickly fed
And get me lots of sodas the sweetest ones the best
The ones that keep you up you never need to rest
And please tell the potty I’ll need it really soon
I’ll no doubt need it morning, night, and noon
So don’t stay in the restroom come near to me as well
But stay far away enough so I can avoid the smell
A few feet should do it and I won’t much have to try
While I eat my pumpernickel and my chocolate apple pie
And no doubt my big belly will turn me into a grouch
As I sit here and eat content upon my couch
Yes I sit here eating sealing my certain doom
While I should be out and playing I’m in my living room
I should be out and running or playing with a bat
Instead of sitting here and getting really fat
So take a fool’s advice heed my greatest fear
For I know if I keep this up I won’t have many years
I’ll be like most potatoes then whenever they are found
I’ll be a couch potato buried beneath the ground
And should they dig me up I’ll be a terrible sight
And certainly something that would spoil your appetite
And certainly something that would spoil your appetite
Surely something to spoil your appetite
The Potato expanded to fit the Couch,
Bathing in the light of the God of Radiation,
A many hued attack on whatever senses remained.
Froth overflowing from his beer and his brain
Machinegun-like channels blasting and caressing
He sank back, understanding but not grasping
At all the dangers, all the time never to return.
Except in late night re-runs, in a double wasted memory.
The weather changed in a moment, but the temperature remained the same
As snow and mush bored into his ears, non-compos mentis
Horizontally composed, his sole exposed to the white idol...
His dreams and nightmares continuing endlessly, a god of his own creation,
And demise.
Don’t criticise me from this poem
You’ll understand once I bring it home
I used to love DIY I was a fanatic
But it took me a long time and drove my wife spastic
She used to curse and say you not finished yet
You’ll end up leaving it half done I bet
I got so flustered it end been true
I could not see anything through
So I’d lay there and would not budge
Watching TV stuffing my face with fudge
She’d scream at me and says get off your lazy ass
Get the lawn mower and cut the grass
You know the saying “you can lead an ass to the water but you can’t make it drink”
I’d lay on the couch staring at the TV and wouldn’t blink
Now I was not this sort of person
But she was impatient and her attitude would worsen
I was a perfectionist in my minds eye
When it came to the thing I loved doing, DIY
Now I lay here a couch potato
Watching her face go red like a plum tomato
COUCH POTATO
Can there be more solid man
On the couch he’s planted here
Under blankets and old books
Calling orders for more beer
Has he grown a set of roots
Planting him eternally
Or is it possible
That he ‘s related to a tree?
As I glance at him again
Taking drinks and giving smiles
Oh, I’d rather have him home--
TV’s cheaper than gas miles
I just saw this cute couch potato
An old kitty with no up and go
He just sits and grows 'round
with large belly profound
While enjoying his best TV show
Laying low with his back legs astride
Tail beneath to protect his backside
Oh, how comfy is he
This old cat retiree
Who now basks in the good life with pride!
Sandra M. Haight
~2nd Place~
Contest: Picture Prompt: Write Me Something Funny
Sponsor: Julie Leigh Rodedeaver
Judged: 11/07/2017
Couch Potato
Crinkly wrinkly chips are easier on the dip
Regular ones are lighter on the tongue and lips
Remote control is always by my side
To surf the airways with due diligence
Football season is coming soon enough
To satisfy my fat and toothless self
My glowing baldness is a wonder to behold
Complimenting, blending in, with the cushy couch
Facilitating the couch potato life in hobo style
I was engineered to serve the proper docile life
I call the nasty wench to keep the brats away
And bring me guacamole and some beers
While I vegetate and play video games all day
On cozy pillows all about
The bathroom is too far away to crawl
So down the hall I roll and roll right back
Plant myself before the TV screen
Sink in to the comfy cozy couch again
Surrounded mostly by myself
And do the couch potato thing and stuff
I can never get enough
Donald Trump never had any doubt
He could hear Melania shout:
"Oh for goodness' sake
How long does it take
For a couch potato to sprout?"
The Couch Potato
By Elton Camp
When Tony gets home from work each day,
He always has the very same thing to say
“Honey, I am sleepy and as tired as I can be.
When you get supper ready, please call me.”
He forgets his wife worked seven to three
And that she is as much exhausted as he
He holds to his father’s old saying as true
“The housework only a woman should do.”
Tony’s mother labored hard, never for pay
Back then things could often work that way
Two incomes now are required to make a go
Tony chooses to ignore that reality though
What was fine years ago for his Mom and Dad
Only serves to make his wife extremely mad
After supper, he will lay on the couch more
She does the dishes as she always has before
“Honey, please don’t rattle the plates so much.
Cause I’m watching reruns of Starsky and Hutch.
And you will be quiet, I certainly have no doubt,
Whenever you get ready to take the garbage out.”
Just a small piece of time
For a little peace of mind.
I’m piecing it all together
While I sit comatose
Viewing the News in disbelief.
Disgusted, I divert my attention
To the puzzle of Leonardo de Vinci’s Last Supper.
And I mumble to myself,
“Jesus, what in the world is going on?"
I reach for a piece with a couple of eyes.
Hoping they are Yours.
But they’re not . . .
They’re Judas's.
Figures.
Apparently, You’re not returning
When things get bad.
With two World Wars in our past,
I suppose, things have to get really bad
To rapture Your attention.
Or perhaps,
We could surprise You.
I’d be willing to bet
You’d be rather pleasantly surprised
With Peace on Earth,
With no one starving,
With no one needing to beg,
With no one gasping for air due to smog,
With no one swimming in trash,
With no one stepping in a bag of poo,
With no one hesitating to howl at the moon,
With no one hiding the last piece
Of the puzzle under the couch,
With no one being that guy.
So, maybe You’d rather return
When things are good.
All lessons learned.
When life is wonderful.
Everyone being at peace with each other.
Everyone taking the time
To be a piece of the solution.
And not lost in the crotch of the couch.
Cat hanging off couch.
I, sitting here and do slouch.
Stomach, a fat pouch.
4/17/2021
Rhymed Senryu
COUCH POTATO
Spuddy
Duddy
written August 31, 2021
Not an Idaho brand
Excess weight demand
Exercise in hesitate
Many people can relate
Body fat
Before and no after fact
The couch being the guest of human weight
For Heaven’s sake
The problem of give and take
Get up from the couch
Some people become a slouch
Exercise is the way to get rid of fab
Physical Fitness tab
Give the couch a break
If the couch had words, it would be “Get Up”
Start walking
Get that fat off
Stop being lazy
It is just crazy
All the couches banned together, and have stated, this is a couch potato war
We the couches refuse
We are tired being used.