Best Conditioners Poems
she walks into the room
the same way she has for 40 years—
half-asleep mumbling about the price of eggs
but crap, she still makes my heart stop.
you’re the last busted payphone
that somehow still dials home.
you’re the only damn thing
that still makes sense
in a world full of unpaid bills and
broken air conditioners.
your heart’s a busted radiator
still kicking out heat when I need it most.
The cigarette burn on our old kitchen counter—
scarred in, not going anywhere.
hell, you’re a rusted-out truck that
still starts when the whole damn world’s frozen over.
we aren’t perfect but we lasted.
and that’s better than any damn valentine poem.
The mistral cold wind blew incessantly wild,
Winding in the streets, its glacial currents in and around
The apartment blocks where all frosted windows
Were tightly secure. Still the bleak wintry chill entered
From tiny ruptured chinks and spread inside
Annihilating the miserly heat emitted
By old cranky air conditioners and gas heaters.
Occasional bursts of strong wind blew
Some soft snow up like winnowed chaff.
One hopes the homeless found some place to rest.
I don’t know that anything about me
is original – I mean, all of my atoms,
I’ve been told, once belonged to some
dimwit creature (hmm...) roaming the earth
long before air-conditioners and Mai Tais...
And talk about Sin! – now that’s an Original
I would gladly give my share away in
a heartbeat; sure as hell, not missing a
cinder of the concept – though, if not the
world itself, I have no recollection of a
bountiful garden...while readily admitting
to having dined and drank with more than
one size and specie of venomous serpent –
But of all my Non Originals, the abiding
presence of love within me is a lineage
I would gladly claim as my own, were I
asked, praying to be absolved of any penance
if untrue. And, if false...then I would claim,
even more vociferously, my uncompromising
capacity to forgive all, thus hopefully moving
existing originals into the Lord's Grace of
Transformative Light.
Chew beans?
BLUE jeans
Chew grass?
Cow gas...
*Cows and other livestock cause 18% of the damage to the ozone layer; ranking 2nd only to carbon dioxide…Freon from air conditioners, etc. contribute far less than either of these. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that livestock do NOT include beans in their diet...THAT would indeed be a case of:
Tragic
Magic...
1/10/2015
Tim Ryerson
A new life it seems
Has come my way
In the mountains
And plains of Wy-o-ming
I look out of my window
And Antelope play
Go out to the kids place
Where the buffalo stay
The rain has been plenty
And the winds not still
If you call blowing
A 500 lb ol’ lady down a hill
I exaggerated a bit
But how would you know
You ain’t ever seed me
So I’ll just let it go.
From a big house
With no spare room
I now live in a trailer
Just a little bit closer to all of my treasures
I’m trying to fit in and believe me
I say it with a grin
I’ll just give you an example
My friends
At the Arena Football Game the other night
My son-in-law got bored
He took out his great big knife
While I watched them make a next score
Next thing I knew folks
Folks were falling off of their seats
And when I turned around
The same thought hit me
He had cut if the bottoms off of two plastic beer bottles
And was holding them up to his eyes like a pair of goggles
And just about then
All around started to sing
Billy’s got his beer goggles on
Only his name is Fred but what the heck
You see him ‘n me gits ‘long great
Our only goal in life
Is to see which of us
Can out do the other
I went garage saleing
With them the next day
And I bought two air conditioners
Per se
And when we arrived
Back at my place
We stuffed one in my pickup
And the other in his truck
Remember I told you
My house is quite small
It’s almost impossible
To walk in the door at all
It was late
And the wind and rain
Made installing them
Something for another day
I guess things can’t be too bad between us
Cause I gave him permission to use my lawn tractor
But dog gone sometimes he can be to nice
Making me feel like he’s my baby sitter
But the day he hollered, “Do you want your coke ‘n cane”
Shirlee hollered back, “Fred, don’t use those two words so close together
The neighbors might hear
And get the wrong impression”
So as the sun in the west
Shines in my eyes
I’ll close for now
And wish you all a good night
Cile Beer
A dark gloomy sunless start
Cold and calculating
Frost on the windows
Icy streets
Snow on the ground
Hot chocolate to be made
Another Winter’s day
Sun coming over the horizon
Birds singing at dawn’s first light
Green grass dusted with morning dew
Mowers mowing
Flowers blooming
Warm rain hitting the streets
Another Spring day
Schools out kids at home
Swimming pools swarming
Air-conditioners humming
Backyard barbecues
Hot sleepless nights
Fireflies flying
Another Summer day
Leaves changing colors
Back to school night
Leaf blowers
A new brisk chill to the air
Apple cider to keep warm
Halloween
Another Autumn day
Hubby works for a Corporation called the... Well, I’m not allowed to say.
He answers telephones. Really! EVEN with his great degree, every day!
But, now, remember this is a Corporation, and they do stuff differently!
They leave the air conditioners on, when it’s still winter at, 10 BELOW!
A worker controls the temperature… from 8 states away, so has his fun!
Everyone works in parkas, gloves, and earmuffs, every, single day, bar none!
It wouldn’t continue if the Uppity Ups, didn’t work in warmer rooms above!
Darn those Corporations, they have no common sense, what-so-ever, at all!
All the chairs are broken, that’s hard, since they’re rocks from a prehistoric age!
And all have to scavenge for working earphones, around the room, every day!
The computer tools aren’t working, someone mysteriously, turned them off.
But they still want one call resolution, of all problems in ten minutes or less.
The pay is next to nothing, so the Company stock looks SO good, by gosh!
Benefits and HR are in India, where they don’t understand any English, at all!
All the pay increases were capped, oh, about eight or maybe, ten years ago!
Now they’ve quit hiring those who finished high school, and want to work.
There’s even been fights in what has now, been designated, as Hoodlum Row.
They’re here, for the long run, and don’t even bother, to answer their phones!
The entire town was shut down due to snow, and if you didn’t come in that day…
Well, you know the story, someone in another state, simply, docked your pay!
They had asked to use vacation time, but that took 2 months to fix, by the way!
Quitting time is obvious, as all the bosses mysteriously, suddenly, drift away.
The penguins came with Hubby one day, and have come back, every day since.
Their snowball fights, in the aisles, are legendary each and every day! Amen!
They don’t complain, love the cold, answer the phones, and people quickly hang up!
Since the customers can’t understand what they say… they’re handle time, rocks!
Hubby snuck a plastic spoon from the lunchroom, which he guards with his very life.
It helps him tremendously, as he digs out thru the ice, when it comes to quitting time.
Collaboration Carol and (Hubby)
Dry lips
Parched mouth
Unbearable heat
Dripping sweat
Empty fridge...
On the telly
Running adverts
Cooling fans
Air conditioners
Iced drinks
Refreshing mint gums...
Cold comfort!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
© 28th July 2016
Contest: Create an Idiom
Sponsor: Jesse Day
This poem was inspired by the interviews by Earl K. Pollon and S. S. Matheson conducted with native Sekanni peoples who were negatively effected by the flooding of their communal homelands by the building of the W.A.C. Bennett Dam. “This Was Our Valley” tells that story of injustice. 640 square miles of riverfront and hunting territory would be flooded to form Williston Lake. The Sekanni peoples were driven from their ancestral homeland in northeastern British Columbia, Canada and dispersed.
The Shopping Cart Injustice
People, place and spirit
All were our relations
Biopeds, quadrupeds, winged or finned -
River language told us so.
Fishing rocks spoke the run
Where the riffles and the rapids talked.
Ancestors, dead and alive, told living stories where
Running the river banks, the children played.
The land was a book written in forms.
We made our mark with love, community
Fishing weirs, aspen dugout canoes,
Hunting trails, camps and sacred sites.
Always traders, we traded furs with
White settlers when they arrived
On the rivers Parsnip, Finlay and Peace at
Finlay Forks, Fort Grahame, Fort McLeod.
We added pack trains, teams of pack horses
River freighters, flat bottom ‘longboats’
For supplies and for mail delivery.
It seemed that we could live together.
Then one day a government agent said
That shopping carts were coming
They would flood our world
Water rising everywhere
Shopping carts with electric can openers
Full, fast to check out,
Shopping carts with electric hair blowers,
Full, faster to check out,
Shopping carts with electric air conditioners,
Full, fastest to check out
Shopping carts with electric stoves.
Check out, check out, check out.
They would make our rivers into a lake
We would move or drown.
Our elders did not believe it.
That was the only consultations!
Soon Saskatoon berries all under water
Next, the banks sloughed back to graveyards
Next, cliffs crumbled, and banks fell into rising lake
Houses of the villages slipped and floated
Coffins, bones and bodies strewed the shore
Where tangled trees, debris and more
Eddied with flotsam in the wind.
We wept for our ancestors!
We weep for our children.
We had to flee the destruction
Caused by tree grinders, D-9 bull dozers
The dam construction.
Now they want to take more
Another dam for more shopping carts.
Please stop Site ‘C’.
Corporation Blues
Hubby works for a Corporation called the... Well, I’m not allowed to say.
He answers telephones. Really! EVEN with his great degree, every day!
But, now, remember this is a Corporation, and they do stuff differently!
They leave the air conditioners on, in winter at, 10 BELOW, you see!
A worker controls the temperature… from 8 states away, so has his fun!
Everyone works in parkas, gloves, and earmuffs, every single day, bar none!
It wouldn’t continue if the Uppity Ups, didn’t work in warmer rooms above!
Darn those Corporations, they have no common sense, what-so-ever, at all!
All the chairs are broken, that’s hard, since they’re rocks from a prehistoric age!
And all have to scavenge for working earphones, around the room, every day!
The computer tools aren’t working, someone mysteriously, turned them off.
But they still want one call resolution, of all problems in ten minutes or less.
The pay is next to nothing, so the Company stock looks SO good, by gosh!
Benefits and HR are in India, where they don’t understand English, at all!
All the pay increases were capped, oh, about eight or maybe, ten years ago!
Now they’ve quit hiring those who finished high school, and want to work.
There’s even been fights in what has now, been designated, as Hoodlum Row.
They’re here, for the long run, and don’t even bother, to answer their phones!
The entire town was shut down due to snow, and if you didn’t come in that day…
Well, you know the story, someone in another state, simply, docked your pay!
They had asked to use vacation time, but that took 2 months to fix, by the way!
Quitting time is obvious, as all the bosses mysteriously, suddenly, drift away.
The penguins came with Hubby one day, and have since came back, every day.
Their snowball fights, in the aisles, are legendary! What can I say, but… Amen!
They don’t complain, love the cold, answer phones, and people quickly hang up!
Since the customers don’t understand what they say, they’re handle time, rocks!
Hubby snuck a plastic spoon from the lunchroom, which he guards with his life.
It helps him tremendously, as he digs out thru the ice, at quitting time, so right!
Collaboration Carol and (Hubby)
With less innocence in you,
You can function in any bank:
Naked words choosing very few,
Tact fully frank…
A real acting of the Real Jew,
A face not crank.
With less of our Christ
And your scruples sliced,
You would drop not every prank:
Normal deals alone to not redefine your rank;
A depositor more you thank
For future surprises from his full tank,
The bank’s air conditioners quit
That can’t the bank dank air spank
And bank cleaners not greet,
Who had skipped your flank…
It’s a half–holy, half- crafty bank
That scarcely sank
Or in banking nostrils never stank.
It was a hazy, hot humid evening
with the air conditioners all humming along
as the tube gave us a severe weather alert
like a vortex here came the violent thunderstorm
We heard the wild wind whistling dixie
as the gusts blew in from the southwest
so we hightailed it to the basement
our hearts rapidly beating in our chests
Our hearing senses were heightened
by straight line winds in our backyard
with the pounding rain hitting our roof
the storm downed some power lines
The tempest finally passed over
as we struggled in the dark
and turning on our flashlights
we finally ventured back on up
Looking out the back door
we noticed three fallen trees
relieved they didn't fall on any structure
as we felt the cool breeze on our cheeks
With no gizmos or gadgets to keep us entertained
like the Amish we retired to our beds
the now opened windows served as our air conditioners
as a slight cool breeze blew in
The next morning technology again thrived
as all the power in the house came back on
with my bedside clock flashing like a neon sign
with 9:17pm ingrained in my mind.
6-20-18
Looking at thee, O Tree,
O Nature's miracle maker,
To me ye offer
An amazing journey—
A journey of insight,
That in his growing disconnect with nature,
In his arrogance, nature to master,
Man has only plied his own plight.
Thou art O Tree,
An astonishing marvel of science,
O keeper of man's conscience.
O giver of so much care,
Ye let two humans breathe enough clean air.
Ye so much atmosphere cool,
Ten air-conditioners barely can,
Thou hast many a miracles so rare.
Let man reflect standing still
On the growing evil
That he has let loose.
Reflect on the path he must choose
To mitigate his evil,
Ye show, great journeys happen standing still.
_________________________________________
Ode |31.08.2020|
Do they have souls of their own?
That break and let us perspire and moan?
I just want to leave this steaming town.
Those AC’s, such insensitive clowns.
They wait happily till it gets to be in the nineties.
They happily break and you sleep in sweaty nighties!
These devilish demons cost us plenty money.
But in hot climates, are as sweet as the best honey!
5-16-2022
blowjobs behind park washrooms.
family packs of porkchops.
fisherprice or mattel.
pornstars praising jesus.
99 cent lipstick in pink shimmer.
aluminum christmas trees.
$5 viles of heroine.
made in china.
happy meals, 50% less plastic.
metal detectors in highschool.
colt 45 and the price of gas.
clogged arteries, 2 for $1.
eating worms for ratings.
pantyhose with runs and rips.
let tv teach the children.
retirement homes and digital cameras.
air conditioners.
trips to wal-mart.
bologne and 'i cant believe its not butter!' on wonderbread.
tourquois paint sold at half price.
sugar free, fat free, no calories. it might give you cancer. everyhing does.
mtv.
carnations and plastic leaves.
eating emotions.
sex as currency.
paying guilt off in installations.
welcome to crazy world.