Best Carving Knife Poems

It started with a sniffle one March morn’
When on my car that telltale film appeared
And I knew well this coat it had not worn
For overnight the gleam had disappeared

The grasses and the grains had sprung to life
A tease from leprechauns I do suspect
So thick this...

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My grandfather on my father’s side, was a pecker-toothed sidle who raped his 
daughter when she was just ten. He threw down vodka from an eternal well and took my father out to buy prostitutes when he was just fifteen... It was here that my...

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Limricks prompted by a comment made by someone today

It's a fact, and no longer just a rumor
Some soup people barf at toilet humor
Have you sniffed your own butt 
It stinks so keep it shut
Pessimism must be your perfumer

No one would believe that you never fart
Gas...

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He loved a drink did ol'Johnny McBeal
And offered to cook the thanksgiving meal
All the trimmings with turkey
For their friends and family
His wife agreed but no drink was the deal...

On the big day he was up before five
But with no drink knew he wouldn't survive
Found a...

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I want to be a vegan
I want to give up meat
I want hemp DM's to wear upon my feet
No more burgers, sausages and no more lamb kebab
No more chicken drumsticks gotta fight the flab
Mushroom for me now, mushroom instead of steak
Instead of meat pie I'm...

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Tom Turkey got lost 'midst the teeming flock,

   Thus, avoiding the dreaded chopping block!

      Hunkering down spared his life,

         Averting the carving knife!

       ...

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I once knew a Thai man
Who had an affair
And at the time he said
He did not care
Well it was not long
Before his wife found out
Now she didn't scream
And nor did she shout
She simply walked over
To the kitchen drawer
And pulled out a carving knife
Need I say...

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The Easter Rabbit had a spat with his wife
She said  the dumb eggs were ruining her life
Laying eggs is so boring
Then there's your snoring
He met his demise with her carving knife...

NOTE:..apparently she borrowed the knife from
the farmer's wife ,who had been having trouble
with some...

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The Contest for my Heart 


Ah yes, a one time event
Black widows, black roses, red blood flows
Capture my heart
With your affections or the carving knife
Cut and bleed me as you wish
Shower me with your passions
I shall drink to the butchers dream
Of dinner severed for two
Or...

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Smoking Hot

Once upon a time there was a little girl
She carried a chipped edged bowl in her hand
Charity had been generous to her riding years
Gifts were ripped, unwanted and unsized clothes
Grandma loved her Red Riding Hood in any wear
She named her so for her cheeks...

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who out foxed who?....
    a fox chases field mice
        into the house

mouse invasion....
    Normandy, the cat, smacks lips
      while on night duty

the sound of vagrants....
  ...

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For Vienna, by request.

Something has gone terribly wrong in my garden today,
My tomatoes are all growling at me with big teeth on display.

And when I investigated I got a big surprise,
‘Cause they were staring back at me with big round bulging eyes.

Then they started to...

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Three Blind Mice (Parody)

Three blind mice, Three blind mice
Unwisely they ran after the farmer’s wife
Who decapitated their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such atrocity in your life
With three blind Mice...

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As day falls into dusk I sit alone,                                 
Among the unloved stragglers, waiting...

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Not the first time........... 
I cheated death...... 
Last week... 
What a narrow squeak! 

The car narrowly missing me........ 
Yet determined to run me down 
Put me underground..... 
The time was not meant to be 

The airliner crash last year.......... 
me........... 
The only person to walk...

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