Best Butt On Poems
A collaboration by Tania Kitchin, Lin Lane, Jan Allison and me that was inspired by Charles Messina's recent POTD.
It's a pooper scooper; that's what we need
But I doubt they will willingly concede
It'll take jury and judge
for those who refuse to budge
No matter how many of us agreed.
Cara never wrote an honest line
Her poems just stink, they're not sublime
They all just reek like poo
Should be flushed down the loo
Needs to stop stealing poems online
Ken was so ill, thought he had a bad flu
And freaked out when he saw his poo was blue
He went to have some tests,
Praying his bowels rest
Told he ate too many berries, who knew
Poor Tania's cat pooped on the floor
Then wiped it's butt on the loo door
It's too late in the night
To see this poopy sight
Cat faeces in house folk abhor!
She lets her dog out for a pee
When under a bush she can see
A skunk ready to spray
She gets her dog away
Phew! no skunk spray on poor Ziggy.
I suggest the site be fumigated
For some who need to read it translated...
"People who post their poop
Don't belong in our group"
Hope this current trend becomes abated.
In the past folks wrote their own poetry
On display for the whole wide world to see
But many are quite sly
Use robots and AI
It's cheating and reeks of dishonesty.
Written on 4th September 2026
What a beautiful, romantic day
Most wonderful day of my life
I soak up the sun, every ray
We're going to be husband and wife
The wedding cake's beautiful but where's the knife?
And where's my dad? He should be here
To give me away, oh my, oh dear!
Oh my God! What a Stag Night
I can't quite remember, what did we do?
Why's there a tattoo on my butt on the right?
And why is half my hair blue?
I'm panicking now about what will ensue
When in the shower blue dye starts to disappear
And the girl's name just dissolves from my rear.
I'm loving the stairs on the cake
A three layer
A triple dare
Of a husband number three
My beautiful day, I swirl for the show
Hubby number three won't be free for a while.
Still puzzling, how did I get here?
A triple trouble stands in front of me
The bachelor party a couple of nights ago
I wish I was free again
The knife in the cake crumbles as the sweet cake is savoured.
As the blushing bride I look all around
My brothers and sisters, eyes open wide
They look at the cake and at the groom frown
But they're smacking their lips but not at the bride
The church doors are locked, everyone is inside
When will the service be over, how long will it take?
Before they can get their hands on that cake.
As the blushing groom I nervously look at a sister
The brothers are scowling, her kids just grinning
Don't think you can back out now mister
My fate is sealed, my head is spinning
The priest calls to order, the service beginning
I glance across at the majestic cake
Like Kilimanjaro no knife could it break.
The wedding day rings dancing on the plate
Waiting to be worn on this forever date
The service ends, the wedding bells still ringing
The now wife and husband each having
A million thoughts running
The groom takes a quick glance at his years of single
The bride not holding back on this mingle.
She loving the stairs on the cake
A three layer, a triple dare
Of a husband number three
He is still puzzling, how he got here
The cake demolished to only one crumb
Just like his chances of being free
A lipstick stained Camel butt, on the full ashtray rim
A golden earring on the floor, how does this story begin?
The Smith Corona silent, paper stuck in the machine
When someone ripped it out they left a mess to clean
An air ticket on the floor, unused it would appear
What happened to the owner something’s wrong that is clear?
A telephone receiver burring on the desktop
No one put it down, the call they didn’t stop
A tissue on the floor, all shredded up and wet
A sign of great misery, a mystery still as yet.
A newspaper screwed up and thrown upon a chair
A missing child is found, she had better get out of there.
A body found, a Camel butt by her side
The car ran off the road, what a way to die
The madam of murder and mayhem will see daylight no more
And now the devil’s a waiting to open his fiery door.
A lady looking lost, approaches a child alone
She dangles one gold earring, with a pretty stone
This is for you child if, you but come with me
Another child is missing, didn’t anybody see?
One earring, one cigarette butt, but she didn’t work alone
Her partner in crime, a woman warned her on the phone.
Destroy the ransom note the child has now been found
The ticket is now no good, we must move underground.
For those unsure and there are some, Camel are a brand of cigarette.
©Mandy Tams
My Little Miss does not do 'aloof'
One kitty dash as I sit, and poof!
Lap kneading, too greedy
Head butting, so needy
I declare love, but she demands proof-
No Sunday sleep-ins will she allow
Every 6 a.m. is time for chow!
Pawing, purring alarm
Furry butt on my arm
No snooze button shuts off her meow-
4/21/20
For Janice Canerdy's "Limerick" contest
The syllable count was confirmed on howmanysyllables.com
Why do people look at me
as if, I'm fruit from a poisonous tree
I'm not strange and wouldn't hurt a flea
yet they act, as if they see a killer bee
Avoiding eye contact, then running off
I'm brand new and not feed from a trough
I'm not beautiful, just a piece of fine art
take a look, you'll see, what sets me apart
I may look big but, I'm an average weight
When you pick me up, your fear will abate
You can hold me with your hand, to investigate
If you want to learn the truth, don't speculate
People segregate, perpetuate or regulate fear
Please let me educate you, about my sear
Put my butt, on your shoulder, and hold it there
As you learn, practice safety and always beware
I'm strong and powerful and benefit all mankind
Vision and sanity required, I can't read man's mind
I'm a new semi-automatic weapon with many a name
Man made, blame his greed, insanity for the shame
pondered
I discovered the season's called FALL,
'cause ambition skips casting’s call.
rain and darkness
grumpy bark-ness
I sink like a skiff in a squall
pleaded
Doctor! Doctor! Diagnosis?
It feels fatal — What? Psychosis!!!
extreme lethargy
has it’s way with me
Doctor says it’s the dreaded... HOUSITOSIS!
prescribed
Get off your butt you silly old fool!
Go to the gym! Use a power tool!
Get on with life
Don’t ***** at the wife
—sawbones, (I'm thinking), ain’t cool
partay!
Plopping my butt on a bike, I went for a strenuous ride
Bike didn’t melt in the rain, nor did my glutinous hide.
loco potion
locomotion
Now I pamper my health, with beer and munchies deep fried!
Continued:
So, there I was on the porch standing in shock
This Big Mama Bear sitting right in front of me
On her butt on the grass! Just feet away!
I thought something was wrong with her
It was a hot day, she was breathing heavy
I tried to open the door a little to get a photo
But my hands were shaking and my heart racing
As she moved, I couldn’t keep it steady
I was in a ‘once in a life time moment’ right then
I had never been so close to a bear that big
Then she got up and I realized she was ok
She turned around to walk across the yard
As I fumbled with the door still shaking….
I finally got a photo, from behind in the distance
-----As she entered the trees to leave---
----I said goodbye to my friends---
----Until next time---
Heidi Sands
6/16/17
A BOX FOR MY FRIEND
I have built you a box
As tall as a tree
A box for disposal of
Black memories
A box that will hold
All guys who have hurt
A box that will hold
All their stinky old shirts.
I have blown a glass cup
That will hold every tear
You will dump every heart ache
Dump in the box
Every shivering fear--
make certain to hide
Nasty words so unfair--
Echoes that strangle
The woman you are..............
You’ll perk some fresh coffee
Breathe a world drama free--
Thump your butt on that box lid ---
And sip your new dreams.
15 May 2013
Victoria Anderson-Throop
I saw a little boy and two pretty girls play on the beach
He took a few back steps and caught the ball
But hit his butt on a pointed shell
And let loose his good catch
He lost out to the girls and sat brooding
They joked to help him by lightening his spirits
All of a sudden there was lightning and the girls ran to their cabin
Dragging the sulky boy as didn't buoy their spirits at all.
*boy/buoy, but/butt, lightening/lightning
March 27, 2016
Contest: Wordplay Extravaganza
Sponsor : John Hamilton
Oh dear what can the matter be
It's Rheen the queen needing to wee
How can I just sit with my knickers down
don't think I will be able to balance my crown.
How can a queen pee behind a tree,
With royal butt on show for all to see.
A policeman would run me in
weeing in public is a sin.
But do hurry home the pain is stronger,
am desperate......can't wait much longer.
In future when am out needing the loo
will try and not cause such a hullabaloo
.
penned 5/2/2017
contest named : Oh dear what can the matter be.
run by....Barry Stebbing
Santa went out last night dressed as mutton.
Partied too much; was a real butt on.
Woke with aching hangover.
Mrs. Santa, boil-over,
Threaten to punch in his bellybutton.
You need to deliver the children's toys.
Or you'll ruin the joy for girls and boys.
Sleigh and reindeer are roundup,
Leave Before children wake-up.
Santa mumbled, stop making so much noise.
Feeling awful, asked, give me till sixer.
Mrs. Santa did mix an elixir.
Santa drank till he tossed up
His cookies and liquor sup.
Weak with sore belly, sobered up quicker.
12/7/2020
You’re sitting on my brain, girl you’re always on my mind
A better butt on my brain is impossible to find
With every new day, my first thought is yo behind
Together we’re a born puzzle that stays combined
What are you doing and where you at
I miss you dearly and need to tell you that
I’ll love you always and I’m glad you sat
Upon my brain with your booty so fat
It’s been 20 years since this Mike
Last took a ride on a bike
Now my muscles are sore
After 4 miles or more
But this just might be something I like
The wind in my hair, ah the chills
The lead in my butt on the hills
About time; I lost track
But I made it back
Now where were those pain relief pills
I wish every fella had a woman like mine,
a woman who is supremely confident
She builds the condos,
and she collects the rent
My baby is a real go-getter,
she knows how to take care of her business
My lady is a home run hitter,
move pieces around like she's playing chess
This woman gets up before the sun does;
grab her a taste of
early morning love,
and a latte
With brief and portfolio in hand,
you better get out of her way
This lady is a fast Ferrari go-getter,
don't try to play her like a wet bimbo dress
This woman ain't no butt-on-hands sitter
She can turn on the charm with ease, using feminine finesse
Baby can outfox the best,
lady can induce cardiac arrest
Always keep her cards close to the chest
She's a live wire go-getter,
has the sparks flying wherever she goes
My woman is a purring love machine,
and every single guy need to marry one of those
A BOX BUILT FOR MY EVERY FRIEND
I've built you a box
As tall as a tree
Your personal disposal for
Black memories
A box that will hold every
Lover-flung hurt
A box that will hold
Stinky socks or old shirts.
I have blown a glass cup
That will hold every tear
You will dump every heart ache
Every shivering fear--
Certain inclusion of
Aspersions unfair--
Echoes that strangle
The person you are..............
You’ll perk savory fresh coffee
Breathe a world drama free--
Thump your butt on that box lid ---
And sip your new dreams.
With my apologies....Revised to be
w/o sexual discrimination
for my male friends June 17, 2013
(original from 15 May 2013)
Victoria Anderson-Throop