Best Billfold Poems
There are a few gentlemen I admire
Whose lovely poems set my heart afire
Though we live far apart
They all captured my heart
Their romantic verses make me perspire.
I dare not expose each poet by name
Cuz I'm afraid that would make them fair game
To the women of soup
Who would make a swift swoop
To put flirty moves on each manly flame.
I'd best keep their IDs close to my vest
And imagine their heads upon my breast
While I pretend their lines
Are for me... valentines
And my breasts only used as a headrest.
Jenna
I dreamt I was lying on her soft breast
As cushions go they were simply the best
Then there was a loud beep
And I woke from my sleep
But I'll never forget her treasure chest...
Tom C.
One's lucky to pass the gravity test
With breasts able to use as a headrest
When they start to swing low
Reaching to your elbow
Those fantasy men will not be impressed.
Belle B.
Some soup poetesses leave me cold
Others make me feel lusty and bold
Then one I met
But to my regret
She just craved my bulging--billfold!
Robert Gorelick
(Transit Lounge, Dubai International Airport, circa 2007)
He answered
that he was from far Kazakhstan,
“Exotic place,” he added,
which I know but could not pinpoint
on my mental map.
She smiled
and said, “I am from India somewhere
farther to the northeast bordering China.”
“Hence her fairer skin,” I thought.
And she piped in,
“From Ethiopia,” and I could not
but think of just how much she paid
to have her curly hair straightened.
From the counter
of their air-conditioned, compact
caravanserai, they all chorused
the suggestion that I opt
for king prawn salad
which, indeed, was so delicious
to the hungry eyes but just so rich
for my already travel-thinned billfold.
Thus I settled
for some salmon sandwich
and a bowl of curly noodles
that the Chinese had perfected
long ago in those steaming kitchens
of their fabled silk road inns.
“Fragrant tea
from out the hot and humid hills
of southern India,” the Ethiopian
said with flourish, bringing me
my mug to wash away
the fishy taste still lingering
along the silk roads
of my taste buds, as I vainly tried
to pinpoint far Kazakhstan
on my travel-weary mental map
while waiting, sleepy, for the call
to put me, once more,
on my way.
What do you do if you have a toothache?
What do you do if you see a snake?
What do you do if you get a sliver?
What do you do if you cut your finger?
What do you do if you forgot to pay the gas bill?
What do you do if you forgot to take your pill?
What do you do if your car breaks down?
What do you do if your billfold can't be found?
What do you do if you forgot to do the laundry?
What do you do if you didn't stop at the grocery?
What do you do if you can't sleep?
What do you do if you'd like to cheat?
What do you do if you've something in you eye?
What do you do if the baby cries?
What do you do if you stub your toe?
What do you do if you can't find your phone?
Do what you did
When you were young
Go to your mother, father, grandparents or friend
They will be there for you Again.
Ways, means?
My shopping list?
My billfold; my bank card?
There seems to be inadequacies’
somewhere.
Today
the sun is bright.
I need to cut my grass
but the sun is so bright today
I can’t.
from you
flows the sunshine
from you the wind is touch
from you runs the river of life
for me
fireworks
will fly and we
will rejoice at the end.
If the end comes and with it a
new start.
and Crocs,
Alligators,
Cotton-mouth water snakes,
and those large Logger-head turtles;
all bite.
Accept
this tone, this word
as it is printed here
and pass it along to the next
player.
Sometimes people ask me... What's in your purse...
So I tell them the best that I can...
Lipstick, chapstick, matchstick
What’s in your purse?
Billfold, change purse, money counter, and clip?
Aspirin, Tylenol, Tums, coupons and stamps…
Tissue, pressure bandage, Mom excuse tablet!
What’s in your purse?
House keys, car keys, skate keys and a toothbrush.
Toothpick, dental floss, yesterday’s movie ticket.
Magnifying glass, insect book, handy magic cards?
What’s in your purse?
Personal stuff, extra stuff, and just stuff.
Needed stuff, wanted stuff list…
And all the stuff I meant to take out.
What’s in your purse?
Crayons, a pen, a magic marker, and chalk.
Hodgepodge, glue stick, and tape…
A clown an elf and two small mice.
What’s in your purse?
Bird Seed, fish food, and a safety pin.
A feather from a goose, an empty candy wrapper.
A small notebook with and without lines.
What’s in your purse?
Gum, a straw and an eyedropper.
A paperclip that floats like a boat,
And a folding flying airplane.
What’s in your purse?
Flashlight, book light, nightlight.
NASA blanket and plastic rain suit.
Hairnet and socks that match.
What’s in your purse?
Paintbrush, hairbrush, dog brush.
Playdough, finger puppets and jelly packets.
A flashlight, a monocle, and a bingo dabber.
What’s in your purse?
A calendar, a phone, and things that I have to have.
Pictures of those I love.
And a little cross…
What’s in your purse?
Jesus!
George Washington an Old Fuddy-Duddy?
By Elton Camp
What image of Washington comes to mind?
In with your money is the one you will find
Right there George is, on the one-dollar bill
And looking humorless, old and extremely ill
No worse portrait could anyone possibly pick
It is showing a man who is aged, ugly and sick
Some fuddy-duddy is just what he appears to be
But that image of him is wrong, as we will see
Most of what we know of him is really incorrect
Now Parson Weem’s lies we’ve come to detect
“George Washington couldn’t possibly tell a lie
No matter if he wanted to, there’s no need to try.”
The parson told us about the chopped cherry tree
That story is just as false as it can possibly be
The Founding Father had traits good and bad
So, exaggeration and lies there’s no need to add
Handsome as a young man as well as quite tall
In a group of men, he towered above them all
In picking a wife, Washington really did excel
Martha was so pretty and also very rich as well
A young army officer, he was ambitious & bold
But not always successful, if the truth be told
Washington lost far more battles than he won
The Fort Necessity surrender surely wasn’t fun
That record didn’t stop his advancement, of course
He became commander of the Revolutionary force
Rather than hole up in a mansion in some big town,
Living with the troops with his wife he was found
After founding a country, he did an amazing thing
By serving as leader, but wouldn’t become a king
After two terms, the presidency George did yield
Return to Mt. Vernon & manage his land and field
Perhaps an amazing fact most folks will now find
Part of his living was from the making of moonshine
How does this fit with all the stuff we’ve been told
About the grim-looking guy inside your billfold?
Another thing about him that gives him greater charm
Washington introduced the mule to the American farm
He was the first president who could be considered green
To him, the advantages of manure as fertilizer was seen
Those Washington stories are enough to make one quiver
Like him throwing a silver dollar across the Potomac River
So no old fuddy-duddy was he or did he ever come to be
It’s that awful dollar bill picture that in our minds we see
Came from a very good loving family in a small Kansas town just as World War Two
was about to break out, it was nineteen thirty nine
As a very small child I remember hearing Walter Winchell, Gabriel Heater bring the
news every night just a few years later, just about the time for us to all dine
Dad was a shoemaker as they called it back then
During the war he had German prisoners work for him on a base, and always said
they seemed to be good men
One whittled me an airplane out of balsum wood, dad said it was a B-29, and he
had even painted it grey
I never did see the prisoners on the base where we lived back then, but I recall the
times vividly to this very day
I had four older sisters, I was the youngest child by ten years and the only boy
And I recall always being very loved and everything was to me as an older baby
was nothing but joy
Fore I do remember times spent in my wooden play pen and a red hall curtain would
blow now and then
Later when I was around five or six I remember mom and dad counting ration
stamps while sitting on their beds, some for sugar, gasoline, different things
One sister worked in an amunition plant and brought me home a miniature bomb
painted silver and one made me a billfold one gave me a large penny...My what
these reflections all brings
Of course I remember the speach by President Roosevelt when he said we declared
war and so many clips in movie theatres about how it was going
Mom listening to Stella Dallas and Ma Perkins while she would be sewing
These are some things that were just worth writing about and sharing with all of
you here
I've come to really enjoy meeting a whole lot of you and I will always be ready to
lend you my ear
“A Man of Lost Talents”
We all have talents
Mine the most precious of all
Without a doubt
It is something
I could live without
Some would say it’s a surprise
Some would say it’s remarkable
Some would say it’s incredible
Me, thinks, “Fantastic.”
My wife says I could do much more
If I would quit............things
She says I would have more time
If I would quit............things
Maybe, I could declutter my life
If I would quit............things
I must say it is indeed
A talent that I could live without
But what fun would that be?
I would love to teach others this talent.
I would make a great mentor.
There is always someone
Willing to pay for a great talent.
If I would quit............things
I am the “Master”
I think it’s genetic
Perhaps inherited
Maybe bathetic
Certainly pathetic.
What the hell is bathetic?
So where did the tic come from?
My mother was of German decent
And they never.............anything.
But Me,
Something is always amiss.
I am always happy except
When I.............. things
My glasses, my billfold, my credit card,
My place in a book, my car, and, of course, my keys.
And then,
There is my mind.
I say,
Where the hell did it go?
She said,
I really don’t know.
I say,
It has to be near.
She said,
You just forgot
What you thought?
I said,
No!
I just thought
What I forgot.
I asked,
What happens when I get
Old and gray?
She said,
It won’t matter,
You’re lost anyway.
I say,
Who took my *&#$%@ pen?
The young and the old are part of man's fold.
Love between them, better than gold…tenfold.
The past before told, as the future shall behold.
Depends upon love shown, not an empty billfold.
Chores hide and seek, anger vanquished…controlled.
Life molds by example as truths are told.
Family meetings upon hope's threshold,
Foster goodness without the need to scold.
Happy days upon sacrifice enrolled.
Profits many blessings; smooths lives potholed.
Freedom of choice has a responsibility twofold.
Give from the heart; let understanding enfold.
Time writes; family history lives scrolled.
Children grow and soon leave the household.
Memories in heart, that each child shall hold,
Establish free choices in love's leasehold.
Seniors who listen with wisdom bankrolled,
Experiences share…but only when polled.
Respect grows for elders as life is strolled.
Admiration earned; limiting stronghold.
The young, like the old, are part of man’s fold.
Time together grows respect’s freehold.
Helping children make choices…scorn untold.
The smiles that you give will come back ten-fold.
© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
June 5, 2010
Poetic form: Monorhyme
say this for Justine
though sweet she often turns mean
Justine wasn't keen
on men who might misuse her
she kept track of where they were
worked the bar and grill
at the bottom of West Hill
bears beer, food and bills
while avoiding groping hands
inappropriate demands
brimming with desire
education to acquire
her words rained fire
on weak lover wannabes
her mind was set on degrees
good with song and hype
Nate was the most charming type
many hearts he'd swiped
seasonal sailor he be
from the isle of Wannasea
girl as fine as she
Nate thought he would never see
approached cautiously
in short few summer months time
into Justine's arms he'd climbed
not quite thinking straight
her plans were going to wait
mind too full of Nate
with defenses gone astray
she’s in the family way
when Nate got the news
off to his island he flew
to wife with child due
now Justine was sore perplexed
how she'd let her life get wrecked
thinking turned less straight
future plans will have to wait
mind's filled up with hate
she'd let her defenses down
burning anger what she'd found
she began to stew
vengeful thoughts began to brew
she found Nate's venue
he was sailing out of Kent
on the train to Kent she went
with bollock dagger
hid in purse she did stagger
as vengeance drags her
to the pier Nate's boat resides
where in the shadows she hides
can see in Nate's eyes
he's caught fully by surprise
when Justine he spies
too hastily Nate exclaims
"but baby, I can explain"
just left of sternum
Justine plunges dagger in
"to hell return him"
hot revenge served a la carte
Justine punctures Nate's cold heart
now if truth be told
Justine pocketed Nate's billfold
rushed away quite bold
to a place I will not say
why don’t we leave it that way
alternately titled: incorrigible lottery dreamer
big plans to relocate self and spouse
to some tropical island paradise
by the dashboard light
(the above line credited
to musician named Meatloaf)
upon arrival of my steamer.
A fool's errand finds me emptying out billfold,
especially as the winnings increase ninefold.
Paradise visage and eyes a bulge with dollar signs
whets imagination with Mega Millions ticket bought
for potential wealth overtakes rational self
with delusions of grandeur caught
allow, enable and provide flirtation
with fate to experience rich draught
envision emancipation proclamation
from penury a distant battle fought
expect the usual outcome
after next drawing to yield monetary naught
temptation for instant millions eagerly sought
human foible to reach until life lesson taut
for elusive pot of riches
streak of universal desire
and tacked clear of shoals,
where hard scrapple existence wrought.
This poor man's pipe dream
nsync with the milkmaid and her pail
where fanciful notions pluck me out
being day late and dollar short
essentially pennilessness in the extreme
story of mein kampf fortune teller
also known as Zoltar speaks machine
said contraption did foredeem
substantiated, kickstarted, corroborated...
courtesy an archenemy Joaquim
(fiend nixed) and his tall sidekick Kareem
both rogues could shine figurative longerbeam
and discern mine ill fate.
Meanwhile creative endeavors
and linguistic pleasure
thru the literary attempt
suitably with poetic third eye blind
palliative, yet less rewarding versus
garnering large sum of money
would be a dog send
delivered by one blessed angel in disguise
redemption and salvation
considered thankful find
with challenges or commiserate
and complement via words of positive kind
feeble attempt where words synchronize
readers may espy hidden puns
(and divine inspiration - ha)
within this rhyme lined
to pry poem or prose from mind
deliberate semblance to communicate
and extract idea from cranial rind
analogous how stitcher doth tightly wind
a tapestry of rich and royal hue
while twittering and tweeting
“better luck next time.”
She fastens the safety pin
on her baggy sweater
cold aged hands
turn the wheelchair towards
the broken down tenement
which had been her home
for the past fifteen years
In her pocket is the pink
crumpled eviction notice
that some unfeeling
developer with a billfold
of cash and a heart full
of greed handed to her
and others less fortunate
Furniture of friends lies
piled high on the street
awaiting the Salvation Army
van to take it away
such irony that they take
away what that once gave
to the needy
Snowflakes begin to fall
leaving wet spots in her lap as
a cruel wind blows her
salt and pepper hair
turning she takes a last look
at her decaying building and wheels herself down
the broken sidewalk to the soup kitchen
Somewhat Suspicious
He sure seemed to be somewhat suspicious;
Then thought that things were surreptitious
And often had started out being stupendous
Thinking about people who were pretentious.
Or maybe make shiftily soon start to mention
Preposterous people can be at a convention
And some have said that the beauty of it all
Is how and why everyone I seem to appall.
And if hills and mountains came alive again
While we were going through thick and thin
When what you needed was God's consent
You started to repent and ran for President.
So all the possible people started to scatter
When they saw how I mixed up my batter
And no one ever ended up out of any line
My biscuits were about to rise and shine.
As soon as all of the gravy had been added
And my billfold with money now was padded
Found myself remotely among maybe a few
Poets seeking attention who up it just drew.
All of the poets patience was all worn out
Read disappointing poems without a doubt
Unusual behavior they did start to display
Disastrous poems were found in disarray.
James Thomas Horn,
Retired Veteran
The devil takes his taxes
before you pay your fare
on your way to the due of you
completely unaware
Shortchanged may seem your billfold
your dreams a distant past
your search continues for the gold
your mould has been recast
Far reaching are the teasing
outstretched are fingers touch
mystery of the meaning
how Midas had so much
Olympic gold medallions
awarded to the best
disciplined sweat in training
surpassing ultimate test
The gold within' the warrior soul
refined the metal first
striving for the medal is the goal
effort from hunger and thirst.....
My purse got stolen from my car.
It had six or seven pieces of my favorite jewelry in it.
I kept lamenting about it, angry too about the money.
I had taken six hundred dollars to my daughter’s home.
To purchase a crib, but she decided on another one, online.
So, my six hundred dollars was gone too.
I was angry; I could not stop thinking about it.
My favorite diamond infinity ring was in that purse.
For seven weeks hatred came into my heart.
Hatred toward the unknown perpetrator.
Anger that I had lost my favorite ring.
One day I asked God to let me know that someone else loved my ring.
I said “God, if they love it half as much as I did, I will let this go.”
A week later I received a letter from a sheriff in another state.
He said he had my billfold and purse. I had left it with my cane in a McDonald’s.
There was twenty dollars in my purse. Would I want him to send it to me?
He would use the money. I called him and said yes.
I knew why the perp could not go back and claim my purse.
They had left my billfold inside.
I got my infinity ring back.
It was the only piece of jewelry back.