It feels like a lock
Click
slamming shut on a door I used to walk through without thinking.
Words
they pile up inside me.
Not gone.
Not lost.
Just trapped.
Like a river swelling against a dam that will not break.
My mouth is stone.
My body heavy.
And every attempt to speak is like running in a dream:
legs sinking,
distance endless,
the finish line always just out of reach.
Inside, I am screaming.
Inside, I am whispering.
Inside, I am still me.
But you can’t hear me.
Because the silence is thick.
Not empty, no.
Thick with frustration,
thick with shame,
thick with the ache
of wanting
so desperately wanting to be understood
without having to explain.
So don’t rush me.
Don’t push me.
Stay.
Wait with me
in the quiet.
Because this silence
is not absence.
It is survival.
It is my body saying:
enough.
And when I return
when my voice crawls back
know this:
I was never gone.
I was always here.
Behind the glass.
Behind the lock.
Still me.
Always me.
The river flows
But not outside of me
My body
As much as I tell it
It will not respond to my emotions
As much as I cry inside
It will not cry outside
As much as I smile inside
It will not smile outside
A quiet child with far-off eyes,
Whispers numbers in the skies—
The world outside may seem unclear,
But inner stars are bright and near.
He hums a song no one has taught,
He draws from wells the world forgot,
A thousand keys within one hand,
Unlocking seas, unspoken land.
She counts the birds before they land,
She knows the shape of every strand
Of wind that weaves the air to silk—
Her thoughts flow deeper than warm milk.
They see the world in colored flame,
Where every leaf calls out its name,
And though their silence holds them tight,
It births a strange and tender light.
The soul still sings, though not aloud.
Let me tell you about my experience with autism and ADHD
From moments of forgetfulness and yippee dee
Sorry I lost track now where were we
Oh yes
About autism and ADHD
I see the world in colours
All bright and beautiful
I notice the most annoying sounds
But I could tell you all about musical theatre and other interests of me
Like quizzes and history
Like when they started running the first presidency
It was George Washington then john Adams and the rest is history
But King George did tax there tea
And started a protest called the Boston tea party
Sorry Im going off tract again
But that is what it is like inside my brain
I could run barefoot in the rain
It would not bother me
I enjoy little quirks and moments of hyperactivity
Because its what makes me me
The background is loud and crowded with plots;
blended conversations, a threat to my thoughts.
Clusters of shapes invade my blank space,
shifting without an object to chase.
You float like a figure, just passing through,
with the lighting too sheen to hold on to you.
When the background is different, you have changed
like an undone puzzle, rearranged.
Do you remember me, who sat at your table?
One leg was wobbly, grape juice unstable.
The roll edges were crisp but hollowish inside
like an unreceived hug, uneven beside.
You spoke about me, but never to me
as if autistics weren't part of humanity.
My mouth was mute, but yet my mind spoke.
I pondered your uneven sleeves like an obscure joke.
Is this still you, in a blue tee, without your mom?
My hands are waxy like Grandma's lip balm.
Speaking is arduous; how does one say, "Hi?"
What if it's not you in the background of my eye?
10-16-2024
I don’t know how to swim,
but I can swim well
Ask me to teach you how to solve
a problem, and I am stumped
but tell me to move a mountain
and I will push it out of your way
I can do so much more
than I can explain
I feel so much more
than my words can express
and my body knows
my muscles know
every aching sinew knows
how to do so many things
ride bikes
shoot guns
arm wrestle
thumb wrestle
climb mountains
push, pull, squat, and stretch
but if you asked me how
I wouldn’t know how to tell you.
You would think having so many words
would make it easier!
but it makes it worse.
What if I can’t explain how I’m feeling
in English
so I think what’s the Russian word for that?
only I know deep in my brain
I should be using the French word
which I also can’t remember,
but only because Spanish doesn’t have
the word for it,
and I don’t speak German
So imagine -
everyone around me drowning,
me, for the first time, swimming,
but I can’t help anyone
because I don’t even know
a stroke.
I'm sorry I'm autistic,
That I don't fit your expectations,
I'm different, I know,
But that doesn't mean I don't belong.
I may rock,
I may cry,
But I try and try,
To be normal in a world full of expectations.
But I'm different,
I know,
So I'll make my own normal.
I'm sorry I'm autistic,
But I will never change.
My feelings are broken, I'm not sure that they work.
I try to act normal, so I shrug and I smirk
No emotions come out like the other kids do
Its a kind of numbness that I'm going through.
They tell me that I'm special and other nice things
They don't get the attention that, "not feeling" brings.
Telling people what's inside, is harder than it looks
Reaching out for answers from the internet and books
So here is what I've learned, and how I started feeling
Admitting help is needed, is like reaching for the ceiling
I found someone to talk to, who listened and understood
They help me look for happiness, and show it, when I could
Embarrassing turned to embracing, of just "Who I am."
I am a "work in progress", but I now know that I can!
I can talk to other people, start to be more proud of me
I don't need the reassurance, of what these other people see.
In light of the world, I wear a mask,
A cloak to hide my daunting, task.
Autumn leaves dance, but I stand still,
Concealing truths, by force of will.
A spectrum woven, colors defined,
Yet, in this masquerade I dance, in solace I find.
To navigate a realm that seldom sees,
The beauty that resides in subtleties.
Behind the mask, a kaleidoscope spin's,
A spectrum's grace my quiet, dreams.
I weave through echoes of a neurotypical sea,
Yet in my heart, I celebrate life, this life this being, is inside of me.
A dance of words, a rhythm I own,
The mask protects, but I'm not alone.
Autism's whispers, misunderstood and vast,
Yet strength arises in the shadow I cast.
So, let the mask be a shield, not a guise,
Revealing layers beneath the quiet skies.
In every line, in every truth, a vibrant hue,
Autism embraced, in both old and new.
Red swing dance
Smooth, cold touch
Foggy white brain
Froggy right pain
Blind, tired heart
Filmy white eyes
Bad handwriting
Bland crayon fighting
Cold leather book
Warm red fire
Nice soft bed
Rest my head
Taking a moment to clear my mind
I look around what is left to find
Walking through this life
Bringing on my own strife
Who I once wished to be
This old man I see
Times I have pushed too far
For that I carry my scar
Been put down to my knees
No one heard my pleas
Prayed to the lord above
Thanks to his love
I gained the strength
And went the length
I've wobbled and fell
But I hid it well
No one could tell
On I went
My time I spent
Depression that is within me I try and fight
Concentrate on his light
Answers that I don't know
Faith that I show
I'm but a child
So mild
Lost in a well
That so long ago I fell
Thinking no one can tell
Sometimes lost in my own mind
Life has not been kind
But on I go
Cause inside I know
I'm really on my own
That is what life has shown
As this body has grown
Faith for tomorrow
I still seek this land of no sorrow
Tears
Fears
Deep in my heart
Keeping me apart
My life
This inner strife
The pain
Leaves this stain
Autism , locked inside
Where you can't hide
With whom do you confide
The Son
He is the one
The light
In my minds forever night
Helps me to see
His love lifts me
Your mind is an open book,
A museum piece on display
For the world’s prying eyes
To gaze upon, judge, pulling
Apart each gyrus as though
Scavenging your thoughts.
But you forget that not everyone,
Strange or familiar,
Holds the cipher that decodes
The jumbled text sprawled across
Those vast, weathered pages.
I’m sorry I’m autistic,
That I don’t fit your expectations,
I’m different I know,
But doesn’t mean I don’t belong.
I may rock,
I may cry,
I may try and try,
To be normal in a world full of expectations.
But I’m autistic,
So I’ll make my own normal,
I’m sorry I’m autistic,
That I don’t fit your expectations
Unseen symphony,
Minds adorned with vibrant hues,
Autism's beauty.
Somebody please cry over this song with me
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