I'm just living a life of an one-eyed AuDHD dude,
Always repeating the cycle every single day
As folks think I'm acting like a robot,
And always having an undisciplined heart.
They say it's not always seen from the outside,
With history and video games is all I think of
Yet they see me as a young Sheldon,
Thinking being smart is a big blessing.
But I still look like a nerd
As if they see me as a nobody,
I'm still a spud in my eyes
As I'm too different for anything.
Say it once, say it twice
mad folk yell, it’s not nice.
When the brain, fires in haste
lest a thought falls to waste
tie sour tongues; iron deep frowns
rough hewn gifts don't cast clowns.
Widen your spheres; hone words truly
Great minds bounce; no acts unruly.
Roses are red
100's are blue
50's go to mom
20's go to you
10's for kids
stack the 5's under the bed
1's for the bum
and well the rest get none
You’re autistic, you say?
Well that’s on you.
You chose medication,
Rather than meditation,
Take some accountability!
You don’t like wearing jeans?
Well don’t just blame your genes!
Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?
More like Attention-Desperate Human-Disease.
Don’t get upset,
I’m just trying to help you!
You might not know as much as me,
But that’s okay!
Anyway,
Have you tried drinking water?
A Happy Go Lucky Guy
With Down Syndrome
And Autism
A Tennis Ball Bouncing Guy
It’s what I remember about you
Every time I saw you
A Happy Go Lucky Guy
With Down Syndrome
And Autism
A guy saying
Go, Go, Go
All the time
A Happy Go Lucky Guy
With Down Syndrome
And Autism
An artist in later life
Enjoying sitting at the table
Engulphed with paints.
A Happy Go Lucky Guy
With Down Syndrome
And Autism
Living your best life
Uncle Lorne
You will be missed
By all who knew you
A Mind—arranged in quieter Rooms—
Where Order hums in Rows—
The World arrives—too bright—too loud—
In undivided Flows—
The Eyes may wander—from the Gaze—
Yet See—what others miss—
A Wheel’s devotion—to its Spin—
A Pattern—taught by Bliss—
The Name—may pass—like distant Bells—
Not rung—for lack of Care—
But Time—moves differently—inside
A Thought—precise—and fair—
The Heart—does not announce its Grief—
In customary Signs—
It speaks—in Systems—Routines—Truths—
And private—Sacred Lines—
What seems—Repetition—to the Crowd—
Is Sanctuary—Found—
A Ritual—against the Storm—
A stillness—wrapped in Sound—
Do not mistake—the Quiet—for
An Absence—of the Soul—
For Feeling—dwells—more deeply—there—
Than Language—can enroll—
Autism—names—no lesser Light—
It only bends—the Ray—
And teaches us—new Ways—to See
The Human—on Display--09
People have always told me.
“Never throw stones in a glass house.”
I never understood.
I don't understand idioms,
They always contradict me.
Don't throw stones, but break the glass ceiling,
Get off your high horse so the ones in your ivory tower can't see.
You can't change what doesn't make sense.
We use idioms to make things more relatable.
But when we turn everything into a concept that doesn't make sense.
We turn the world into a tower of babel.
We isolate everyone.
We make the world blind.
We take an eye for an eye,
Until the world jumps blindly into the ravine of progress.
Scientific suicide.
We hold hands, looking side by side.
But our silence is a knife.
As we open our wrists on the cutting edge of technology
And the blood greases the raw silicone wheels in the valley,
More progress,
More waste,
One happy accident turns into one million depressing funerals quickly if you know what's happening.
Opening your eyes is the hardest part.
Living with what you see is the hard part.
It feels like a lock
Click
slamming shut on a door I used to walk through without thinking.
Words
they pile up inside me.
Not gone.
Not lost.
Just trapped.
Like a river swelling against a dam that will not break.
My mouth is stone.
My body heavy.
And every attempt to speak is like running in a dream:
legs sinking,
distance endless,
the finish line always just out of reach.
Inside, I am screaming.
Inside, I am whispering.
Inside, I am still me.
But you can’t hear me.
Because the silence is thick.
Not empty, no.
Thick with frustration,
thick with shame,
thick with the ache
of wanting
so desperately wanting to be understood
without having to explain.
So don’t rush me.
Don’t push me.
Stay.
Wait with me
in the quiet.
Because this silence
is not absence.
It is survival.
It is my body saying:
enough.
And when I return
when my voice crawls back
know this:
I was never gone.
I was always here.
Behind the glass.
Behind the lock.
Still me.
Always me.
The river flows
But not outside of me
My body
As much as I tell it
It will not respond to my emotions
As much as I cry inside
It will not cry outside
As much as I smile inside
It will not smile outside
A quiet child with far-off eyes,
Whispers numbers in the skies—
The world outside may seem unclear,
But inner stars are bright and near.
He hums a song no one has taught,
He draws from wells the world forgot,
A thousand keys within one hand,
Unlocking seas, unspoken land.
She counts the birds before they land,
She knows the shape of every strand
Of wind that weaves the air to silk—
Her thoughts flow deeper than warm milk.
They see the world in colored flame,
Where every leaf calls out its name,
And though their silence holds them tight,
It births a strange and tender light.
The soul still sings, though not aloud.
Let me tell you about my experience with autism and ADHD
From moments of forgetfulness and yippee dee
Sorry I lost track now where were we
Oh yes
About autism and ADHD
I see the world in colours
All bright and beautiful
I notice the most annoying sounds
But I could tell you all about musical theatre and other interests of me
Like quizzes and history
Like when they started running the first presidency
It was George Washington then john Adams and the rest is history
But King George did tax there tea
And started a protest called the Boston tea party
Sorry Im going off tract again
But that is what it is like inside my brain
I could run barefoot in the rain
It would not bother me
I enjoy little quirks and moments of hyperactivity
Because its what makes me me
The background is loud and crowded with plots;
blended conversations, a threat to my thoughts.
Clusters of shapes invade my blank space,
shifting without an object to chase.
You float like a figure, just passing through,
with the lighting too sheen to hold on to you.
When the background is different, you have changed
like an undone puzzle, rearranged.
Do you remember me, who sat at your table?
One leg was wobbly, grape juice unstable.
The roll edges were crisp but hollowish inside
like an unreceived hug, uneven beside.
You spoke about me, but never to me
as if autistics weren't part of humanity.
My mouth was mute, but yet my mind spoke.
I pondered your uneven sleeves like an obscure joke.
Is this still you, in a blue tee, without your mom?
My hands are waxy like Grandma's lip balm.
Speaking is arduous; how does one say, "Hi?"
What if it's not you in the background of my eye?
10-16-2024
I don’t know how to swim,
but I can swim well
Ask me to teach you how to solve
a problem, and I am stumped
but tell me to move a mountain
and I will push it out of your way
I can do so much more
than I can explain
I feel so much more
than my words can express
and my body knows
my muscles know
every aching sinew knows
how to do so many things
ride bikes
shoot guns
arm wrestle
thumb wrestle
climb mountains
push, pull, squat, and stretch
but if you asked me how
I wouldn’t know how to tell you.
You would think having so many words
would make it easier!
but it makes it worse.
What if I can’t explain how I’m feeling
in English
so I think what’s the Russian word for that?
only I know deep in my brain
I should be using the French word
which I also can’t remember,
but only because Spanish doesn’t have
the word for it,
and I don’t speak German
So imagine -
everyone around me drowning,
me, for the first time, swimming,
but I can’t help anyone
because I don’t even know
a stroke.
I'm sorry I'm autistic,
That I don't fit your expectations,
I'm different, I know,
But that doesn't mean I don't belong.
I may rock,
I may cry,
But I try and try,
To be normal in a world full of expectations.
But I'm different,
I know,
So I'll make my own normal.
I'm sorry I'm autistic,
But I will never change.
My feelings are broken, I'm not sure that they work.
I try to act normal, so I shrug and I smirk
No emotions come out like the other kids do
Its a kind of numbness that I'm going through.
They tell me that I'm special and other nice things
They don't get the attention that, "not feeling" brings.
Telling people what's inside, is harder than it looks
Reaching out for answers from the internet and books
So here is what I've learned, and how I started feeling
Admitting help is needed, is like reaching for the ceiling
I found someone to talk to, who listened and understood
They help me look for happiness, and show it, when I could
Embarrassing turned to embracing, of just "Who I am."
I am a "work in progress", but I now know that I can!
I can talk to other people, start to be more proud of me
I don't need the reassurance, of what these other people see.
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