Poetry Forum

superlativedeleted - all messages by user

3/27/2019 12:41:34 PM
Farewell for Now, Poetry Soup	The soup has spilled boiling hot into my lap. Howl upon howl cools nothing. I must go and leave an empty bowl where it lies on the floor. edited by superlativedeleted on 3/27/2019
9/4/2019 9:58:49 PM
Desperately want critique	The poem is as fun as Edgar Allen Poe handing out baggies of candy corn on Halloween night. I’d omit the posted edit. You’re telling a story; suggesting to the reader that he might die in the House is unnecessary. trust your own ability to foreshadow his doom. Especially since this type of story is sort of an old, but enjoyable, cliche, it would be better to assume the reader is already in on the fact he’s going to die. Sticking with your first instinct to simply inform the reader he’s going to die in the House is much better, because it confirms the suspicion the reader already has, which frees them to move onto “ooooh! HOW is going to die?” and “oh, gosh! He thinks he’s safe, but he’s not!” which is more enjoyable as a reader than the author simply repeating the suspicion that is already present. The familiarity with and use of meter is wonderful, though it could use some judicious polishing. The use of meter fits very well with the blast from the past motif. Particularly your use of meter seems a bit whimsical in some portions, in a few instances using annapests and dactyls instead of iambs, which seem to be your predominant metric. Even in the iambic sections you seem to loose sight of your meter sometimes. It seems predominantly your goal was to write in tetrameter, with the occasional extra metric for effect. However in some instances it is not clear if your substituting a trochee for an iamb on the first foot or simply beginning with a lame foot. Many times you seem to liberally add unstressed syllables so long as the line contains four emphasized stresses, though even then sometimes in the same line you substitute an iamb for a spondee. Let’s look at specific lines: Under a waxing and gibbous moon ! — — ! — — ! — ! Sounds lovely, but scansion is simply thrown in the air. Is it two dactyls, a trochee, and a truncated trochee? What about something like: Under waxing gibbous moon ! — ! — ! — ! The meter is cleaner this way, there is more tension. The x in waxing is more sonically violent than the languorous n in waning. Also the ommision of the articles conspires with the weight of the words under and gibbous in a way that’s almost diabolical. The danger in the poem is plain from the first line. I would omit the word two. Unless we’re expecting the reader to presume “lovers” to imply a multiplicity of partners, saying there are two lovers is redundant. Omitting the word two also cleans up the meter a bit. Under waxing gibbous moon, Lovers embrace... “Their hearts in tune” is a bit too campy, and is also inconsistent with the style you’re paying homage to. I’d strive for something more considered, if not at least lovely: as moonflow’rs bloom: for instance. Under waxing gibbous moon Lovers embrace as moonflow’rs bloom Spend lines 3 and 4 on the romance; stanza three signals the depart. Line 5 is cliche-heavy. Line 8 can be cleaned up metrically A bid of ‘adieu’ and a don’s bow — ! — — ! — — ! ! :: he bids ‘adieu’ with a dons bow — ! — ! — — ! ! (iamb, iamb, double ionic/ pyrrhic+spondee) If you’re going to do anything experimental with sound in the poem, I would restore dow’ to down and movie it to the beginning of line 10. He bids ‘adieu’ with a don’s bow, steps back a few, turns heel and strolls down the road that leads... (also using steps back a few sounds better. Putting bow and back back to back becomes an over abundance of b’s) Doing it this way breaks the rhyme scheme metrically, but not organically to the ear that waits for it, anticipates it, and completely forgives it’s not on line 9. Line 9 then ends with the word strolls which has a delicious rolling length that lingers into the night and the next line begins with the full force of the word down, and he really takes off. (It also cleans up the meter for line 9.) it is a bit audacious though, and many might mistake it for an error, so you’re call. Dow’ was an extra lame foot in line 9; you had: spondee, iamb, spondee, iamb, dow’ Now that it is moved to line 10, it’s still an extra foot, but line 10 also had too many feet to begin with: the road that leads to where he was birth’d iamb, iamb, iamb, spondee, birth’d the spondee here might be read as a trochee, though if this foot is read without stress then the last foot of the line suddenly become an annapest that includes the word birth’d. Overall the end of the line gets a little messy metrically. Something like: returning to his place of birth — ! — ! — ! — ! But then that might force one to do something metrically dramatic like: he bids ‘adieu’ with a don’s bow, steps back a few, turns heel and strolls down the road returning to his place of birth, to lie, to rest, to dream of loves worth. He puts his head aloft like a ships prow. (Adding he at the beginning purifies the meter in line 12. Presuming like is read without stress, you end with a double ionic which is great. If like is read with stress, you have an extra foot in line 12) ‘In this wood he’d be wise not to dwell’ is annapestic trimeter. If you try to scan it with iambs and trochees, you have a fifth foot at the end that’s lame. The sound of the line is pleasing to the ear, but it is a big departure from iambic tetrameter, but then maybe so what? ... oops! Gotta run. Call from a paramour. Gotta go, go, go... One final thought: He grasps his chest in that final fright Heart arrested!... —to—> He grasps his chest in final fright! Arrested Heart stopped!... Here is the best place to break the iambic tetrameter, when his heart breaks, but only works if you’ve been relatively clean with your meter until that point. It’ll throw the ear into outer space. Good luck. Have fun
9/5/2019 1:18:46 AM
The Most Beautiful Sonnet ---Please Critique!	If one was promised a diamond, how disappointing it would be if the only characteristics the stone shared with a true diamond were that it sparkled and had a similar shape. Rhinestones do as well as that. This sonnet wants for true iambic lines. Syllabic verse? A second-best design. Although a fair beginning, true, there’s more to sonnets. Fourteen lines and rhyme may bore, without a proper sound. The volta gives a needed turn, a spark of thought that lives, reveals a new perspective. Slow to change the soul requires many views, a range of possibilities for open eyes. So, make a journey. Readers love surprise. At first a rose is love, and then it dies; a wand of thorns perfumes as petals dry. Your sonnet’s very pretty, that’s for sure, and, some will claim, a quite effective lure. edited by superlativedeleted on 9/5/2019
9/5/2019 9:20:41 AM
The Great White	Wonderful. Little is heavy handed here; the metaphor is delicately done, and the Riddle leaves room for the reader to engage the poem, yet the riddle does not tax the clarity of the writing. Favorite stanza is: Their fins Caressing your sweet cheeks Remove the sugar. It’s a perfect balance between the assault and the extended metaphor of the shark; the phrase ‘sweet cheeks’ is used smartly both thematically and poetically by setting up the last line; the last line takes the phrase ‘sweet cheeks’ and makes the idiom concrete by giving it a tangible treatment that not only invokes the kinestheic sense (not commonly achieved in poetry) but successfully captures the rough feeling of shark skin brushing against one’s skin. it is an intersection of theme, sense, and information. Outstanding stanza. I would borrow a bit of drama from Emily Dickinson’s very dark poem Wild Nights! For your fifth stanza by adding stronger punctuation: Foul night! Shoulders! Breath! Every stinking whisper rides! (Perhaps a more considered third line?) stanza 6 and 7 perhaps edit like this: They create a ring of ripples, careless, making waves in silence, and it is the silence that hinders in the ignorant night; no-one hears, In stanza 9 you brush against some semantic ambiguity; whose thoughts and fantasies of princesses and fingers disgust you? They and their have referred to the sharks until this point, but you’ve just finished talking about the people that do nothing out of ignorance, so it is difficult to tell if these fantasies of princess-ness and happy childhood are part of the ignorance that prevent people from understanding the wrong being done, or it is part of what drives the sharks to feed. Of course there is always the possibility it is valid either way, or both ways, but simply be aware the stanza doesn’t specify, simply in case you wish to be. Stanza 10 starts to slip into abstract; neither a crown, nor face can leave a towel white literally. Also ending stanza 10 with gleaming white towels and beginning stanza 11 with smelling blood is confusing both literally and abstractly as stanza 10 has just implied there is no “blood” with the white towels. The idiom ‘smelling blood’ only works as a double entendre here is blood is actually present somehow, otherwise ‘blood’ isn’t there until the shark attack. The crown ties into the fantasy of the princess, but perhaps the crown proves sharp, it’s ornaments like shark teeth, and the princess cuts herself removing it or putting it on or admiring it; THEN there is blood to smell and the theme is maintained. In stanza 13, I’m not a fan of the word ‘plagued’. Perhaps you could synthesize the image of blood by invoking the toxic red tide of an algal bloom: I bloom like algae; red tide poisons the sea, but their hands are clean. Great write! Great skill! Good luck with revisions; hope some suggestions prove useful.
9/5/2019 9:24:28 AM
The Great White	... or if you wanted to get very grisly in stanza 13, you could simply say: With a sharp kiss I am chum in the water. and omit stanz 14
9/5/2019 10:27:59 AM
The Dog	The assonance in turgid and purple is simply ghastly; simply glistening - that unappealing shine the skin gets when something is starved for oxygen and about to fall off. Effective but unappealing. A seeming rigormortis edited by superlativedeleted on 9/5/2019
9/5/2019 10:42:28 AM
Critique On. I am a new poetry souper	I think the voice is good. Reminded me of Shel Silverstein. Surprisingly whimsical given it was inspired by your friend’s harrowing escape, but it is broad in a universal way that even spans age groups. I don’t think you’re quite as off course as Victoria seems to propose. Not all poems are meant to be concrete or imerse themselves in imagism, though images rarely hinder. The stanzas seem to almost simply restate each other; each needs something that sets it apart somehow so it doesn’t feel like “I thought I already read this.” Normally I don’t go for direct address or soapbox-omg in poems, but you do it well. You’re not telling people what to think or feel; you’re sharing your view of reality. I would ditch the italics, underline, and bold. I would just work on giving each stanza it’s own flavor, but trust the voice and style you’ve already got going. A voice as conversational and invitational as that is hard to find in poetry, so don’t second guess it.
9/5/2019 10:58:05 AM
THE HUMBLE POOR MAN	The savage drama of separating sand and sesame seeds. The restrained style is good; the depth of considered thought is good; the clarity is good overall, but gets a little muddled at the end; but, the piece is almost barren of figurative language. The entertainment value of the piece is wanting. Even if you’re just serving meat and potatoes, the meat can be juicy, and the potato can have butter on it. Maybe a dash of salt and pepper?
9/5/2019 11:02:14 AM
Critique “The Corporate” please	This would make a very funny spoof of some Dr. Seuss book.
9/5/2019 11:10:17 AM
Sitting On A Log	Reading this was like driving through a car wash whilst none of the machines are on. What did I just read? It was like reading gibberish only they are real sentences. A riddle with no lock to pick.
9/5/2019 1:21:42 PM
Desperately want critique	Holy crabapples. You must read a lot of Poe and Lovecraft. Your meter is unpolished, but your ear is better tuned to it instinctually than many contributors on here that study it deliberately. I’m honestly surprised the terminology I used is unfamiliar to you; there was no doubt in my mind you would know it. You simply MUST purchase ‘Rules for the Dance’ by Mary Oliver. It was written for ears such as yours. It would be a waste for you not to have a copy. It has everything you need to master metric verse, or polish instincts that are already emerging.
9/5/2019 1:25:59 PM
Desperately want critique	Yeah the Harvard link is delicious. Has metric feet I haven’t even heard of before.
9/5/2019 1:26:59 PM
Desperately want critique	poetry.harvard.edu/guide-prosody
9/7/2019 11:10:51 AM
CAUGHT UP	Not clear what’s going on, but very lovely iambic dimeter. The brevity of the meter adds a lot of tension to the lines. Beginning the first line with a lame foot starts it off with a lot of force from the stressed syllable. Normally I don’t go for all caps because poetry is mainly meant to be heard, so the typography isn’t terribly relevant, but it really captures a sense of outrage that I’m not sure would be evident without it unless it was heard read aloud. All in all, I’d make it longer for the sake of clarity, but be careful to avoid a rant. Ideally a poem is something the reader enters and inhabits. edited by superlativedeleted on 9/7/2019
9/7/2019 11:19:46 AM
Constructive criticism re: The Road	Often poets post the work they wish to be critiqued. Leaving critiques on poems in the author’s queue might confuse others who do not realize the criticism was invited and lead to users leaving uninvited feedback on other author’s works. Best to post here if you want feedback.
9/7/2019 8:08:32 PM
Gone	I apologize in advance, but I just had a margueritta;!it’s me and tequila responding. Your line about reading the horizon is GENIUS. That’s authentic originality right there. The previous lines need incubating to fully hatch in a more developed form. Try reading Gerard Manley Hopkins’ ‘Terrible Sonnets’ (as in dark sonnets); read Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson; your family of poets awaits to receive you, my dear, and they will instruct you personally, proportionally to your careful observation of their vehicles of expression and repositories of values and tastes in regards to prosodic locution. You are in good company, my dear; poets never die; they are as immortal as the feelings that outlive is. They will shine the way in the means of articulation. Welcome home You’ve got a good beginning; go deeper. edited by superlativedeleted on 9/7/2019
9/8/2019 9:49:38 PM
Burdened No More	Definitely good subject matter. I imagine prose is the mode of writing you are more familiar with? The beginning of the writing is very prose oriented. I think if you spend more time reflecting on the images, sensory details, situational aspects, you’ll be able to press the poetry out of the story like oil from fresh olives. For instance the story describes an environment that is barren, hostile; not just far from home physically, but also far away spiritually and emotionally - which is why the main character must go numb, because there is no safe spot for him/her the desert. The desert isn’t just sand and dust, the desert is a deeper kind a desert, a desert of the soul. Does that make sense? The opportunity to capture this lies in what sensory details about the environment you provide, and HOW you describe the sensory details either directly, or indirectly. You mention the smell of the dry desert - what makes it smell dry? Is the nose passing through a desert too, a desert of smell? What are smells that the character associates with home, with safety, with love? Maybe the smell of a loved one’s shampoo, maybe the smell of morning coffee, maybe the smell of Tide on bedsheets, maybe the smell of laughter and beer on game night? All of these are gone in the desert. Maybe the dust fills the nose so much it can’t smell anymore, just like desert fills the heart so much it can’t feel anymore. You can make the dry smell of the desert more powerful by talking about the smells that are absent - choose smells that are emotionally and spiritually significant. Use the outer details as a gateway to the inner truth. Find similarities in the outer and inner dynamics. The sounds of heavy machinery is a good detail; the image of tank tread and gears popped in my head. The sound of heavy machinery opens up a poetic line - to associate the sound with machinery, machinery with motion, machinery with lack of feeling, motion and lack of feeling with the numb forward motion of the main character. What is the sound of the inner machinery of the main character? Is the machinery in him/ her heavy also? Is it a silent sound? Or is it a quiet sound? The sound of rubber boot soles crushing sand? You can use the real world detail of the heavy machinery to reflect an emotional truth in the character. The greeting with the children needs a little more clarity. Is it a regular occurance? How does the character come to feel like they are his/her own? Is the smell of chocolate maybe one of the smells that reminds him/her of home, a smell that symbolizes humanity, humaness, something universally good and safe? From the writing it is clear there is something about the children or meeting the children that opens the character, transports him/her emotionally and spiritually out of the desert. Meeting the children is like a sacred space, and the tragedy that happens is a violation of this sacred space where the soul thinks it is safe for a moment. The end of the writing needs a little more clarity; it’s not clear to me if the children where the ones that attacked or if they were the one’s attacked. All in all this is a fantastic first draft. You can go to an extremely powerful and rich level with it, when and if you wish to go there. It sounds like you are writing about personal experience. An experiment you can try is, once you’ve written it, imagine the writing is about a character. It may be a character that is going through the same experience you have, but looking at it as a character might help let you look into it more deeply. Just a thought. Great writing. Thanks for sharing. Good luck.
9/8/2019 11:09:27 PM
Burdened No More	My pleasure!
9/8/2019 11:18:59 PM
Boyfriend advice	This may be one of my favorite things on this entire site. Poetry without prosody; this is the human condition. Yearning, demurring, crying out for freedom, at the beginning one’s personal adventure called life, returning to the beginning anew, by repeating all the same gestures and sounds of the soul that echo through time, and in sameness of those rhyming notes find a Beauty and Truth beyond death.
9/9/2019 9:19:37 PM
Patchwork finger tips (First Poem :) )	Really well done. Visceral. My fingertips actually ached and tingled. Rare I actually experience a palpable sensory detail from a poem. The title is flawless. The last two lines are ambiguous in a thought provoking way, so that is good. You might do a companion poem called The Tapestry.
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