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9/8/2019 8:37:41 PM Jovarius Burton Posts: 2	Hello, I'm new to writing and hopefully I can get some feedback to help get better. I suffer with PTSD and found that writing had helped clear my mind. The day was filled with a sense of sorrow and regret, Confused by the daily tasks that outweighed my decisions. I pushed forward to an event I would never forget, An event that would haunt me for years and out of my control. The smell of the dry desert and sounds of heavy vehicles as they prepared for the mission, Exposing a country to centuries old traditions to modern warfare, My feelings no longer exist. The start of the march, anticipation and fear of the unknown, Expect the unexpected and prepare for the next order. How exciting that must sound, yet anxiety has more control, A normal patrol as we all expect becomes the unexpected. We have now made the usual approach and greeted by our daily hosts, Only this day the hosts became the unexpected. Greeted with the usual innocence of cheers and laughter and gifts of chocolate, My foreign children brightened the day. Behind the joyous laughter hid pain, Pain that latches on like a parasite. Engulfed with so much hate and anger it shows itself, Innocence cut with hate, pain, and anger from a single blade, The cut was fast and unexpected. My feelings returned instantly but numb to the situation, How do I respond? What just happened? Am I dreaming? My foreign child is gone! From hate, innocence was destroyed, And the mission, yes, the mission remained first priority. Years of struggling, holding myself accountable for HATE and PAIN actions, Was it my fault? Why did I allow it to happen? Haunting and stressing on my soul until one sleepless night, A soft voice whispered in my ear, “Stress no more” “Rejoice my memory, for this is Not Your Burden to Bear”.
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9/8/2019 9:49:38 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Definitely good subject matter. I imagine prose is the mode of writing you are more familiar with? The beginning of the writing is very prose oriented. I think if you spend more time reflecting on the images, sensory details, situational aspects, you’ll be able to press the poetry out of the story like oil from fresh olives. For instance the story describes an environment that is barren, hostile; not just far from home physically, but also far away spiritually and emotionally - which is why the main character must go numb, because there is no safe spot for him/her the desert. The desert isn’t just sand and dust, the desert is a deeper kind a desert, a desert of the soul. Does that make sense? The opportunity to capture this lies in what sensory details about the environment you provide, and HOW you describe the sensory details either directly, or indirectly. You mention the smell of the dry desert - what makes it smell dry? Is the nose passing through a desert too, a desert of smell? What are smells that the character associates with home, with safety, with love? Maybe the smell of a loved one’s shampoo, maybe the smell of morning coffee, maybe the smell of Tide on bedsheets, maybe the smell of laughter and beer on game night? All of these are gone in the desert. Maybe the dust fills the nose so much it can’t smell anymore, just like desert fills the heart so much it can’t feel anymore. You can make the dry smell of the desert more powerful by talking about the smells that are absent - choose smells that are emotionally and spiritually significant. Use the outer details as a gateway to the inner truth. Find similarities in the outer and inner dynamics. The sounds of heavy machinery is a good detail; the image of tank tread and gears popped in my head. The sound of heavy machinery opens up a poetic line - to associate the sound with machinery, machinery with motion, machinery with lack of feeling, motion and lack of feeling with the numb forward motion of the main character. What is the sound of the inner machinery of the main character? Is the machinery in him/ her heavy also? Is it a silent sound? Or is it a quiet sound? The sound of rubber boot soles crushing sand? You can use the real world detail of the heavy machinery to reflect an emotional truth in the character. The greeting with the children needs a little more clarity. Is it a regular occurance? How does the character come to feel like they are his/her own? Is the smell of chocolate maybe one of the smells that reminds him/her of home, a smell that symbolizes humanity, humaness, something universally good and safe? From the writing it is clear there is something about the children or meeting the children that opens the character, transports him/her emotionally and spiritually out of the desert. Meeting the children is like a sacred space, and the tragedy that happens is a violation of this sacred space where the soul thinks it is safe for a moment. The end of the writing needs a little more clarity; it’s not clear to me if the children where the ones that attacked or if they were the one’s attacked. All in all this is a fantastic first draft. You can go to an extremely powerful and rich level with it, when and if you wish to go there. It sounds like you are writing about personal experience. An experiment you can try is, once you’ve written it, imagine the writing is about a character. It may be a character that is going through the same experience you have, but looking at it as a character might help let you look into it more deeply. Just a thought. Great writing. Thanks for sharing. Good luck.
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9/8/2019 10:13:25 PM Jovarius Burton Posts: 2	Thank you so much for the detailed feedback and yes, it's a personal experience. With your feedback I can definitely go deeper and express a lot more from the draft. Wasn't sure what direction nor format to use. Thanks again!
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9/8/2019 11:09:27 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	My pleasure!
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