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6/11/2019 11:43:01 PM Edith Willis Posts: 4	This World Is A Cruel Place I am no fool, this world is cruel Oh yes it is, Oh yes, it is There is allegation and accusation There is complication with explanation There is communication with irritation And isolation without detection Cruel … cruel Who says that it must be the rule? I tell you friend this world is cruel I feel we need a new direction For every rule there is exception Crushing all this violation So, I will begin a fresh condition By informing you that the world IS cruel Oh yes, it is, Oh yes it is You see, The attitudes have spread infection Bringing forth a grave pollution I plan a theme of love promotion Humanity seeing hate reduction And through this love and education One at a time our situation Can change. I wrote this just yesterday after a loved one, due to another domestic abuse situation, was involved in a serious vehicle accident trying to get away. Fortunately both of them survived due to higher power intervention. We can all work together, being aware/staying alert, to promote change through education and understanding, thus saving lives.
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6/25/2019 3:08:48 PM Edith Willis Posts: 4	I am still hoping that someone will give me the promised High Critique. I have only placed one poem in so far trying to see how the system works. Coming back from vacation I still see no response since 6/11/19. Please someone, I look forward to your wisdom. Perhaps I am misplacing input or looking in wrong sections for results. I will keep trying. God bless.
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7/2/2019 9:10:48 PM Anna Pratt Posts: 7	I liked the use of italics and grammar in the poem. At the end, I feel like I didn't notice you tried to make an argument for how the world can change. I'd focus on that theme a little more, maybe start one of your lines near the end with a "but" or change in style to make it more obvious. Also, I feel like your rhyme scheme dominated the poem in some places- some of the words you tried to rhyme with cruel, such as "fool" or "rule" seemed somewhat cliche. You could try to find different words, or go a bit looser with the rhyme scheme. Try to use the best word for the situation, not necessarily the one that rhymes. I did like the poem and the message, the world is cruel but we can work to change it. Good luck, and keep writing!
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7/12/2019 12:46:21 PM Victoria Hunter Posts: 4	Hello! I thought I would give you some deeper critique. I want to first say the voice is nice and the natural rhythm of the piece is good. I feel that you need to replace the abstract nouns you use, with visual nouns, basically in the words of a teacher, "nouns you can drop on your foot" . It is okay to break the rule and use an abstract noun, but not too much in a poem. You also need to consider who or what is speaking. What are they focused on talking about. You should consider having some preset emotions (some that contrast as well), to focus on revealing with imagery in parts of your poem. I went to school for poetry and coach in writing it sometime. I even forget some things. I have some great poetry learning videos on my youtube. I will see if I can add the link to my profile, or message you it. I would revise and take it slowly, taking my suggestions. As you revise, remember poetry takes leaps, so don't be afraid to allow your stanzas to leap to eachother, and most of all don't forget that poetry is suppose to arouse pleasure. I apologize for the typos...et, my time is very limited, because I am on a speeding reading deadline, and finalizing my book. Keep posting for critique, and you will grow very fast:0).
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8/23/2019 6:06:48 AM Brent Foster Posts: 4	I agree with Victoria. Put the lines together. Remove bold underlines, and read it as a plain connective short story. Then you can struggle. Start by removing the "there is". That is my suggestion.
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9/5/2019 10:42:28 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I think the voice is good. Reminded me of Shel Silverstein. Surprisingly whimsical given it was inspired by your friend’s harrowing escape, but it is broad in a universal way that even spans age groups. I don’t think you’re quite as off course as Victoria seems to propose. Not all poems are meant to be concrete or imerse themselves in imagism, though images rarely hinder. The stanzas seem to almost simply restate each other; each needs something that sets it apart somehow so it doesn’t feel like “I thought I already read this.” Normally I don’t go for direct address or soapbox-omg in poems, but you do it well. You’re not telling people what to think or feel; you’re sharing your view of reality. I would ditch the italics, underline, and bold. I would just work on giving each stanza it’s own flavor, but trust the voice and style you’ve already got going. A voice as conversational and invitational as that is hard to find in poetry, so don’t second guess it.
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