Not for nothing am I something.
My alter-ego absent-mindedly swats a fly
from the tip of its nose.
The hard stool I am sat upon squirms,
if it had one more leg it might have left the room.
Take you for instance, your unfounded faith
in reality,
it's always changing,
your life is a changing room,
your clothes never fit, and your choice of hats
attracts the attention of interdimensional aliens,
who, as we all know,
are always looking to nest somewhere.
I think the chair needs to take a dump, it's straining
under my weight, and my alternative persona
is now sneezing uncontrollably.
I bolt for the door, chasing after my soul,
which suddenly has decided to take a vacation
far away from my
hard to explain, presence.
"Reality shall not be infringed". I yell.
A saggy skin is turning gray -
fingers, long and thin,
hang below my ankles in disarray.
I should like to try more time-travel
but shockingly,
I think this is the end of the line.
There are no toilets up in Heaven, so I was told
Righteous are the perfect sheep in God's Holy fold
They no longer have the need to pee or drop a turd.
That's based on the information I recently heard.
But since I've had more time to ponder the thought,
what if rumblings of thunder are the echoes of a fart?
Body waste would fall from Heaven on you and me.
Quite a perplexing problem for us. Do you agree?
Earth would be a toxic cesspool, if that were so
and down, down, down, the flushes would flow.
We'd have constant need of a massive sump pump
to remove the stinky caca when angels take a dump.
Sitting on a throne is not the way I picture the divine.
God would never allow such a vile plumbing design.
He'd not pollute the planet he created for mankind.
No overflowing toilets in Heaven will you ever find.
October 7, 2021
The Throne in Heaven Contest
Sponsor: Jack Webster
********************
I say, let’s hit the road,
when it’s nice and cold.
I’m a single woman,
I scream alone in my room,
with no cat, no kid, no hubby;
I don’t sweep much with my broom.
I say let’s hit the road,
when it’s nice and cold.
I ain’t getting any high,
with men hitting on my supply.
I need no gins and tonics,
as I am my own drink,
baby I am naturally high and it’s chronic.
I say,
let’s hit the road,
when it’s nice and cold.
When the sky was trying out dresses,
in various shades ,
I sat on that road,
under the sky.. thinking ,
What the hell?
And then a big car comes,
they stopped aside to take a dump.
I looked at them , they looked at me
as if I was some kind of a skunk.
They came and asked, hey babe waddap ?
I answered..continue your ****, punks !
I said,
let’s hit the road
before my brains get soar !
.
more or less to "Ally Oop"
I like to take a dump in my mommy's back yard
(Take a dump. Take a dump.)
Sometimes it's soft, sometimes it's hard
(Take a dump. Take a dump.)
The one thing that's invariably true
(Take a dump. Take a dump.)
The best fertilizer is my poo!
I have a neighbor who is obnoxious and rude.
For the last 10 years, we've been having a feud.
When he blew his leaves in my yard with a leaf blower,
I put third degree burns on his butt with a flamethrower.
That punk decided to take a dump in my back yard.
Now he has false teeth because I hit him so hard.
When I was mowing my lawn, he made his Dobermans attack.
I put sugar in his truck's gas tank because I blew my stack.
People tell me to try to get along with my neighbor.
But I want to cut his head off with a lightsaber.
He says that I started the feud but he is wrong.
If we live to be 200, he and I will never get along.
(This is a fictional poem.)
EVERYBODY POOPS!
OH CRAP!!!
I must go see a man about a dog.
Drop a log in he water.
Gotta hurry, its Prairie Doggin’
Cop a squat
Ease the squeeze
Take a crap (or better yet – leave one)
Take a dump
GOTTA POOP!!!
John G. Lawless
6/6/2015
It is with great pride that I write to you
And say these words so true.
How sad it is, these days it seems
that no one ever says thanks.
My toilet, my friend, my refuge till the end
My lovely bowl that stanks.
the toilet is my friend,
we see each other every now and then,
here's where i read and think,
here's where i take a dump and make it stink,
here's a place i can get away,
i use it now and everyday,
the toilet is a useful tool,
just think of it as a pool,
the toilet can keep secrets it will hush,
you can use it but don't forget to flush,
it's a place i can use when i am sick from my stomach,
the toilet also has feelings,
so make sure you're bathroom has a fan in the ceilings,
the toilet hates when you take a big dump,
do too much and you'll have to use a pump,
the toilet will always be my friend,
we will see each other every now and then.
HELLO, MY NAME IS FORREST GUMP
PEOPLE CALL ME FORREST GUMP
IN THE FOREST, DO BEARS TAKE A DUMP?
???SMOKEY THE BEAR SAYS ?
“ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES”
WHERE’S THE FIRE? RUN FORREST RUN
SO MANY TREES YOU CAN’T SEE THE SUN
WHERE IS FORREST? IT’S LIKE I SAID
SO MANY TREES I CAN’T SEE THE FOREST
OUT ON A LIMB? NOT IN THIS FOREST
TRUNKS ARE SLIM AND LIMBS ARE TWIGS
RED RIDING HOOD AND THREE LITTLE PIGS
LIVING IN THE FOREST, IT’S WOLVES THEY FEAR
WITH BIG EARS, THE BETTER TO HEAR MY DEAR
HUFF PUFFING, HOUSES ARE BLOWN IN A BLINK
HANSEL, IT’S DARK AND WE ARE LOST I THINK
GRETEL, WHAT ABOUT THE TRAIL OF CRUMBS?
SERIOUSLY? BREAD CRUMBS? OH SO DUMB
THERE’S NO SIGNAL FOR THE GPS ON MY CELL
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? WHAT THE HELL?
HOW ‘BOUT NOW? NOTHING
THREE PIGS AND TWO
GERMAN KIDS ARE
MISSING AMBER
ALERT ALL
THROUGH
FOREST
FRENZY
I don't want to
Hurt anyone or start any civil wars
I'm abstaining from posting
certain thoughts on Facebook
And do or say anything that will cause alarm...
I just need an outlet
That doesn't drain my brain
I know I have some talent
I can't be that completely deranged
I don't want to
Take a dump on any sites
Unload a feeling of blahness
Commit any crimes
I just want to be honest
And say what's on my mind.
These laxatives don't work that I've been taking.
As I sit on the crapper, the inside of my butt is aching.
I've been eating these laxatives for weeks and I still can't do number two.
I can't take a dump no matter how hard I try and I don't know what else to do.
I just learned something and I am so embarrassed.
These laxatives are suppositories that are supposed to go up my ass.
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