Long Dachshunds Poems
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I can't recall the last time I've had a good night's rest.
It ain't because I'm stressed or restless or depressed.
Nor is it the fitful snorin' of my spouse sprawlin' by my side.
It's that consarned nocturnal symphony a-goin' on outside!
First, all the neighborhood mutts join in discordant refrain.
Heard is yippin' by poodles and the bellowin' of a Great Dane!
Chihuahuas, dachshunds and spaniels join in the raucous fray.
Addin' to the din, a quartet of Bassett hounds begin to bay!
Just as I was relaxin' comfortably in Morpheus' gentle arms,
There arose 'neath my window a squabble causin' more alarms.
A couple of cats on their customary nocturnal prowlin'
Had it out on my lawn a-screechin' and a-yowlin'!
Along about midnight the strident din began to fade,
Then, a legion of crickets began a monotonous serenade!
Addin' to my plight, I heard the blarin' klaxon of a train,
And the screamin' jet engines of a low-flyin' plane!
The grandfather clock struck four and I'm still wide awake.
I should've been a-snoozin' hours ago, for heavens' sake!
Lord, what can be done to stifle that dissonant cacophony,
My nemesis, that ceaseless, infernal nocturnal symphony!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
FOOTLES FOR THE BIRDS AND THE BEASTS -
Bad-*** old bear:
Grizzly
Grizzly
Dachshund making critical life choices:
Eenie
Weenie...
Cougar from Arizona:
Yuma
Puma
Cowardly Cock-a-Doodle-Doer:
Chicken
Chicken
Slave Driving Beaver:
Dam it
Damn it!
Aptly named female feathered friend:
Robin
Robin
Alaska poacher gets mauled by a:
Polar's
Molars
Overweight Terrier:
Porky
Yorkie
Scavenger Mores:
Vulture
Culture
After sex, bears often share a:
Yogi
Stogie
Neutered Tomcat:
Benign
Feline
Wolf in Sheep’s clothing:
Mutton
Glutton
Proportionally, male Dachshunds have:
Teenie
Weenies
(But size isn't everything)
.........................................
RANDOM AND RATHER REDICULOUS FOOTLES -
Overweight law enforcement official:
Whopper
Copper
Overweight Janitor:
Whopper
Mopper
Spaced-out church officer:
Freekin’
Deacon
Church officer forced to depend on Depends:
Leakin'
Deacon
Unhappy restaurant client:
Diner
Whiner
Cosa Nostra restaurant special:
Mobster
Lobster
Yep, you guessed it. A criminal Crustacean:
Lobster
Mobster
Why did she slap me? All I did was:
Toot her
Hooter
Careless Urologist:
Pecker
Wrecker
One
Chloee? Yes Reginald!
Why do they call us Dachshunds, Wiener Dogs?
Maybe they call you a Wiener Reginald!
You cut me off at the legs with that one Chloee!
Two
Chloee? Yes Reginald! Have you ever smelled mothballs.
No Reginald it's too difficult to spread their tiny legs.
My that was a low blow Chloee. You wish Reginald, you wish!
Three
Reginald? Yes Chloee! I was at the park with my owner playing
Frisbee. As I watched the Frisbee I wondered why it was getting
bigger and bigger as it came towards me than it hit me.
Four
Chloee? Yes Reginald!
I was just lying down in the park the other day watching a Labrador
chasing his tail an' I thought ain't that amazing how easily amused
Labradors are! Then I realized I was watching the Labrador chase his tail.
Five
Reginald? Yes Chloee! I've written a poem it goes like this.
"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme. And some don't!"
Six
Chloee? Yes Reginald! I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich,
but I don’t think the waitress understood me. Because she said,
“How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said,
“Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked,
and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun.
Damn! It’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!”
The Finale
A Dachshund walks under a bar. I mean walks into a bar. Goes to the
bar and sits down. Asks the bartender "can I have a Budweiser Light
Beer" the bartender serves him and informs him "that will be seven dollars".
The Dachshund pays. The bartender keeps looking at the Dachshund.
Finally the Dachshund yells "What?" The bartender explains "no I'm
sorry we just never get Dachshunds in this bar." The Dachshund replies
"I'm not surprised...at seven dollars for a beer..."
The Encore
Reginald? Yes Chloee! When you cut your nails, do you file them?
Yes Chloee as a matter of fact I do! Pity! I just throw mine out!
Curtains!
01~10~2015
Sponsor: rob carmack
Contest: Daschunds
Quote " Dogs are not our whole life ,but they make our lives whole." By Roger Carus
When his soulful eyes gaze at me
As he snuggles into me, on my knee
Very demanding dachshunds are
His high pitch bark, could see me far
His qualities are great,~ apart from the bark
Don't need an alarm, he's up with the lark
Wouldn't have him any other way
For Reggie is here to stay
Deep in this heart of mine
Yes he's simply divine
Loves to chase his ball
Been like that from he was small
He will be two in December
Same month as me ~ always remember
Loves his food and treats
His needs are met~ he sure eats
He loves to bury himself into his fleece
Makes a den with cushions so at peace
Then falls asleep
Looks so cute can make me weep
Dogs are true loyal friends
That love us too the ends
Do you know what it’s like
Being a stray, that is
A homely sight
No flower beds for your biz
People looked at me with pity
As they’d walk their golden doodles
Dachshunds, long and nippy
Those high faulting fools
What happened to a mutt
Being a respectable family dog
I try not to lick my butt
Intact tail and dewclaws
By the dumpster, I would sleep
And have these amazing dreams
On a farm, I’d round up sheep
In shape, strong and lean
It should come as no surprise
I embellished more than a little
When the opportunity, did arise
I walked straight in the kennel
The gentleman who took me in
Had a lot of faith in me
Following a wink and grin
He quickly set me free
It wasn’t quite as I imagined
Those curly headed beasts
Weren’t the ones that I’d been counting
To drift me off to sleep
Confused as a peach on a grapevine
Butting heads, then seeing stars
Incapable of forming a straight line
They couldn’t see, this was an art
Each day was a small improvement
And now, they’re single file
A cadence to their movement
To make my owner smile
He lets me sleep at his feet
Gives me scraps after dinner
Perhaps a small deceit
But now he has a winner
Oscar was from Argentina,
Buenos Aires city:
his “go to” word was “lindo, lindo”:
Spanish word for ‘pretty’.
‘Lindo’ if you use big words,
‘lindo’ if you cuss:
´lindo’ is the garden gate,
‘lindo’ is the bus.
Oscar went to buy a pet,
to keep him company:
he walked into the poodle shop –
“how much for a bee?”
“One moment please. We don’t sell bees.”
The clerk heard Oscar speaking.
Perhaps his English needs some help
to get the pet he’s seeking.
“Chihuahuas, dachshunds, corgis too:
simply place an order:
we’ll get a husky, if you want:
we’ve friends across the border.”
But Oscar didn’t take the bait.
He didn’t want a puppy,
or marmoset or guinea-pig,
or parakeet or guppy.
“I’ve seen the bee that’s just for me:
he’s lindo, lindo, lindo:
here’s my money – get it done –
he’s right there, in the window!”
Dachshunds
I don’t mean to be ….GGRRRRRR
un-grrrrrr-ateful…
to the genetics of the genome…BUT
my legs are too short
my body’s too long
my gut hangs so low
I can’t wear a thong
my ears….they get stepped on
by me….not by others
I can’t scratch my nose
only my brothers
and don’t even ask
in the snow…..what I do
for before I can circle
the whole thing turns…..blue
with legs oh so short
you may think it funny
to see me pass by
a skateboard ‘neath my tummy
then there are those
who dare to suggest
that I was conceived
during Octoberfest
My head may bulge out
and my tail may bulge in
but I’m a damn good looking dog
for the shape that I’m in.
submitted to Rob Carmack – Dachshunds – Poetry contest
1/14/21015
Patches of choco brown and black wrap my fur
with long hotdog body, I roll in loops,
“ Hershey” is what they fondly name me
flopping ears as mice and ants rush for a kill…
and with the kids, nose snuggles for tickle feast
while Mom runs amuck with suds on her hair;
these bug me, bathing and trimming of nails.
When holidays come, it’s fashion show time
like a German spy, I nibble the costumes
feigning sleep as teeth snarl those threads!
Loyal and cute, my almond eyes wink to charm…
but bark I do when strangers knock , and Hannah,
our neighbor trembles as I “arf” at her mere scent.
I love to sneak out the gate to play and goof off;
one day, a runaway thrill off the street did harm…
a rogue snatched me , bugged my neck
hearing faint shouts, “ Hershey, come back!”
Oh,I miss the awful hair washes, patter of kids’ feet,
warm cuddles, and dog gone evening tricks.
For eight years, I reigned as a Weenie princess…
Now, I look at the stars and touch my family’s faces.
-----------
*it’s been 3 years since our dachshund, Hershey,
got lost. My nephews and I miss her!
rob carmack's Dachshunds Contest
My friend had to put his dog to sleep today,
he was a Dachshund only five years old;
loyal, brave, clever, pretty eyes,
feisty, beloved, with floppy ears.
Brutis had a "big" dog personality all the time,
loved most people, children, and other dogs;
Oh, Brutis had so much charisma, so much charm,
I can see him walking with that wee hop in his step.
But, Dachshunds have delicate backs,
and Brutis suddenly became paralyzed.
No surgery possible,
no other option ~
So, he said goodbye and I love you Brutis today,
you were a little warrior- now, go get your wings !
I am not a dog lover, although dogs are cute,
I'd rather have none of these
around the house...the last one I had
was a dark-blonde dachshund:
he refused to obey a single rule,
he wanted to eat crackers and cheese!
Dogs lovers, I apologize for having made such a comment...
for having said an awful thing about my disobedient dog;
I still love dogs, but I've no patience to train them:
while they run around and bark at a burning log!
I agree they should abide by those strict rules, but
a soft guy like me simply is unable to enforce them!
Dogs are like gorgeous children that some adore more than a gem,
and if they rip apart your expensive kids' stuffed toys,
don't punish them with harsh words and alienate them;
readers, don't flood my inbox with outrageous comments:
you have your likes and dislikes; even perfect characters have a rip!
I hope other dachshunds haven't heard what I said about Ranger,
they will surely show up at my door and start a vicious doggy war!
Ah! Here they come! I must call the Animal Attack Hotline...help!!!