Long Caving Poems
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This is where my grief met Jeremiah's lamentations
OUR FATHER
As far as the east is from the west, that’s how far the Lord has removed our transgressions from us?
Why do I feel not far removed from my sins or the sins of others?
Suffocated by faults and indiscretions of human-ness that lacks discretion
Of fearlessness; the lack of intuition
Of childishness but a child born in the wrong time?
But God’s timing is always right?
Can you see this Lord?
Is heaven mastering this disaster only for our inferior minds to finally resurrect from the shambles?
And realise that You have been building us a new city all along.
I believe in the Author of fate so maybe that is where my hope springs from
Or from the crippling fear of the effects of reality
Disappointment
Shock
Is this how feeble we are as humans?
How our chromosomes, blood cells, alleles all created from dust can just wither away when one gust of wind comes before we can find shelter
How our intangible thoughts are invisible holograms that effect nothing
Our father who art in heaven should we lose faith while we are on earth because there is plenty in heaven?
Will we make it the pearly gates with our infirm humanly wrongs and all the cavities punctured in our teeth
And speak to the guardians in low tones of how we praised the Creator on earth forgetting to mention how our own faults in the sweetened land He placed us in; have led us to corroded incisors
We consume more sweetened sin than soured heaven.
I cannot stare at my reflection in the mirror because I feel like a ghost
And legend has it that once the undead return they leave no shadow
They simply exist among other human humans
Who put status updates on their whatsapps saying ‘be still and know that I am God?’
It is easy to be transfixed in the same position when the walls around you are not caving in
I feel I have been saying much without saying anything,
Because maybe this conversation should just be between me and Him
But I do not know what to say to Him
My human human-ness has failed me once again
So maybe He could just look into my laden heart, desperate thoughts and fearful mind
And decide where I can go from here
Where they can go from here
Where we can go from here...
For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever
Amen.
I see you bent low
Your head in your hands
Tears dropping on the table cloth
The heavy sighs that no one can hear
Fill my ear
Even past the wall
Between eternity and finite time
I hear
I see
Your guardian angel is near
My orders from the throne
To protect you from harm
Physical….spiritual
To guard your steps
Yet...I see you have not walked
For many an hour
You have been glued to that spot
Unmoving
Only knowing that your universe
Is caving in
Forming a black hole
That is sucking in your soul
The decision is mine to make
I have no time to hesitate…
Overstep my bounds?
Or just hover and watch you drown?
The room fills with light
As I materialize
Hiding my wings
Not wanting to shock you
Not in your present state...
But you are too far gone to see
The gun on the table…ready
So, with one hand I touch your face
With the other under your grizzled chin
I make you look up at me….
Your eyes fill with wonder
You blink away the tears
Trying to focus
Trying to grasp the reality of me
Before you have time to question
I close my lips on yours
And breathe into your mouth
The eternal qualities of heaven
Peace, joy, love and light….
A lingering kiss of life
The moment where heaven and earth collide
And I unfold my wings and envelope you
In a cocoon of heavenly wonder
I enfold you
I feel your strength returning
I will not let you fall
I have heard the unspoken call
Of your bleeding heart…
And as you reach your arms around me…
In that moment…I’m gone
Clothing myself with invisibility
Yet…. just as near
Unseen to your mortal eyes
But as real
As the erratic beating of your heart
I hover near
You exhale slowly
Your breath is on my cheek
The light dims
And you open your eyes
Wondering what delirium
Has come over you
Yet there….there in your hand
A token of the encounter
A white feather
That glimmers in the night
Against orders….
I will stand before the throne
And try to find the words to explain
This strange act...
I could not keep back
I had to guard your life
In the only way I knew how
In that unearthly moment in time
I will find the grace to answer
My reward… the look in your eyes
The radiance of your face
The knowing smile that reveals
You are worthy enough
On a dark and hopeless night
To be kissed….
By the lips of an angel
A guardian angel of light
For Skat's Angel Contest
No, I am not oppressed.
What I am, is tired. I’m tired of all of the things that have happened in my lifetime. Tired of the things to come. Tired of the pain.
If you want me to be safe, then put me in a rubber room with no sharp objects because I’m so close to unzipping my veins.
I’m so afraid of what you think of me, but that’s why I’m writing this. That’s why I’m doing ANYTHING I can because you can’t hate me if you’re still singing.
Death doesn’t inspire me anymore. Death seems like a comforting blanket surrounding the cold and the sick, for I am the sick. I am the broken. I am the one, who all of you look to for guidance, because I have been there.
I have been a witness to more than you could possibly imagine.
Life to me, is pointless. I have no purpose here. I have nothing to look forward to in my life except for the fact that one day my veins are going to breathe.
The blood is going to pour from each cell, leaving it for the next body to come around.
You see, I’m never who you thought I’d be. You have always seen me as this happy go lucky kid who doesn’t have a care in the world but, that’s not the case. I’m not happy whatsoever.
What you see right now is the biggest facade anyone has ever created.
I, am not oppressed. I, am depressed. I’m so tired, so apathetic.
The world is caving in on my shoulders and I can’t do a single thing to stop it.
The thing that people don’t realize about me is at night, the world begins anew. Each day is a brand new day for us to explore, but for me it’s still in the same place. We are going nowhere and I, am the only one to see it.
So please don’t ask me why something is wrong because you will never get the true answer.
There is one reason as to why I never tell my therapist what is going on inside my head and that is because I do not want to believe that I am truly dying.
I do not want to recognize that the blood flowing through my veins is the poison and my body is making me cut it out of myself.
I do not want to realize that everything that I have ever done up to this point in this life is break everything I touch.
I don’t want to recognize that even through my hardest attempts to make it not true is that
I, am real and goddamnit.
I am alive.
I can’t make it, I can’t make it
I’m dying without any of my loved ones around me
Becky can you drive any faster
Hit the gas already
My chest is caving in, I feel like I can’t breathe
I open the car door and stand up
I am weak and feel unstable;
I make it to the door of the Victoria Grace hospital
I have to go in alone
I’m scared; I’m suffering alone because Becky isn’t allowed in due to Covid
A lady takes me to the emerge waiting area
There I sit in my own little bubble with plexiglass surrounding me
I’m called up to the front for an evaluation
I begin to cry; I tried to hold back tears, but I no longer ccan
The nurse takes my blood pressure asks me the basics
Then I go back; I wait alone
My phone is almost dead, I no longer will have anything to distract me
I anxiously text my mom asking if she’s on her way
She is but she’s still a half an hour away
I feel alone; I feel terrified
All these sick people around me with Covid symptoms
I put another mask on top of the one I already have and begin to hyperventilate
I am shaking; my chest hurts; and I am in excruciating pain
Tears are falling down my face, but no one comes to help me; to ask if I’m okay
My mother finally gets there; I feel a sense of relief
We wait for hours and hours, I am pushed to the back of the emerge waitlist
I start to cry because I am in so much physical pain, I feel my chest clenching and extreme pain
After 8 hours, I am finally seen by the doctor at 1:30 am
He does a quick assessment and tells me that I have Costochondritis; tissue inflammation
Just like what the doctor at the walk in told me
My gut told me it was something else; but at this point my parents thought I was going crazy
For a month, I was told it was costochondritis
I went to physio, and was questioned why I was so jittery and worried all the time
As time went on, the chest pain got worse, and I felt more and more miserable
One night my mom realized it; This seems like a panic attack she said during a flare up
Sure enough, a few days later I went to the doctor and she was right
What I was told was costochondritis before, was really pain brought along with panic attacks
After three months, I was finally properly diagnosed with Panic Disorder
I miss you so much
I long for your touch
I surrender to shadows
And the wicked wind blows
The wicked wind blows
I am working out without a doubt
I am walking God’s narrow route
You know what I’m talking about…
Don’t you dare make me sad or I’m out
You are caving in and I am taking off…
Don’t swim in shallow rivers without me near
You are braving your soul — are you driven enough
To the point of no return? I will have no fear
I will shed no tear
When you lash out at me
I will still love you, dear
Whenever you’re gone, I’ll be set free…
Free…free…free…
It is a pain-free reality
Without you here with me
I kissed you many times
I hugged you sometimes
I surrender to my reflection
I reassure myself you didn’t reject me with derision…
With derision…
I am working out without a doubt
I am walking God’s narrow route
You know what I’m talking about…
Don’t you dare make me sad or I’m out
You are caving in and I am taking off…
Do not swim in shallow rivers without me near
You are braving your soul and life is getting rough
To the point of no return, but I have no fear
I will shed no tear
When you lash out at me
I will still love you, dear
Whenever you are gone, I will be set free…
Free…free…free…
It is a pain-free reality
Without you here with me
I got pissed off the moment you left
I shot myself with insults and gave up all the rest
Of my high hopes…left for naught…
Of my high hopes…dying quite a lot…
Our doubts should also rot…
I will be lifting my head up high with the strength I got
I am working out without a doubt
I am walking God’s narrow route
You know what I’m talking about…
Don’t you dare make me sad or I’m out
You are caving in and I am taking off…
Do not swim in shallow rivers without me near
You are braving your soul till you grow tough
To the point of no return, but I have no fear
I will shed no tear
When you lash out at me
I will still love you, dear
Whenever you are gone, I will be set free…
Free…free…free…
It is a pain-free reality
Without you here with me
You are caving in and I am taking off,
Although I am missing you so much
I’m braving myself till I had enough,
Despite being in want of your touch
Not so long but long ago a hurricane inside my soul and I cant explain.
Years of emptiness have flown by
All the pain and heartbreak gone
the caving felt like home
Emotions gone; I felt none
I thought I were to be numb for good
For when a gleam of brown warm eyes passed my sight
As I were dancing on the edge of a really high cliff as if I deeply long for something that’s right infront of
Me, I knew they would become something so meaningful the moment I looked in to them
I fell for those eyes slowly just like im falling asleep slowly but all at once.
Like a wave of emotions washed me over to a shore where the sun shined
Behind the bright rays of light laid the thunder of fear; the fear of not knowing
I pray for if its meant to be and for the sake of good that you stay
And if not for the wave to wash over you
But there we landed on that shore together. You burned my ignorance away and brought out the best
version of my self, for you saw colors in me I never knew existed .
I feel the need of you, the need to know that when I look away that same wave wont wash you away
from that same shore; that youll be walking behind me, that you’re willing and ready to
give in; that youll withstand the heavy winds. Ill give in and ill give you all if only you trust me enough to
do the same; write your name across my heart write your name over every part
And not run away behind your barriers. Forgive me god for I have sinned but I think im falling
In to a pool of emotions that im drowning in, those eyes bring me calmness, your sweet scent
Stained on my shirt, your voice so nice to hear so pleasant to the ear for I feel safe. It’s a game of fire
maybe if I flee too far I Might Get lost in those flames but I need to know that youll light up with me for
when I do; That the next wave and wont wash you and those flames along; all the darkness wont
consume that once bright cave. I need to know youll have your hand in mine and your soul wrapped in
mine. Love is the most I could give to you if you allow me and allow yourself to do so. Ill be your
kryptonite, we’ll take a trip tonight to a luxury of possibilities. For so long I forgot to breathe, for so long I
could breathe again.
Form:
Emptiness can hurt
No one hears the silent screams
Fighting for a way out
A race to the dirt
Surviving the dreams
Destroyed without a doubt
Does the sting ever leave
Deeper longer each time
Praying for it to stop to release
No longer do I believe
This life is not mine
Cries echo in the night.
A deep breath
It's time
No one to hear
No one to interfer
Nothing to fear
I wish I wasnt here
Before me the answer appears
End this nightmare
No longer do I care
Happiness is a joker so beware
Skin exposed bare
Knife sharp enough to cut hair
Another deep breath
Eyes flow
Why wasn't I enough for anyone
Why am I the one always left alone
Why couldn't plans be postponed
Shouldn't they had known
Another deep breath as he enters
Finally my eyes rest upon the last one
Death came to snicker
Smiling down on me eyes glow as the lights flicker
"No more will you have to bicker.
Take it slow no rush I'll take you no quicker."
He touches my bare arm and I watch amazed as it becomes slicker
I thought Death would be cold but warmth then I realize and become sicker.
It begins
I close my eyes
Deaths voice penetrates me.
"Not so fast, slowly"
"Can't you see"
He points as I look I see my life oozing consistently
I look up at Death he smiles again coldly.
"Breathe for it's not yet time he says sickeningly.
Another deep breath
Not so deep this time
I feel my heart beat slow it's racing pace
I think of their face
My babies.. oh sweet Grace..
What have I done what got me to this place..
Another shaky deep breath
Knowing it won't be long
My cries again echo throughout
Please I want to stay they won't understand what this is about
My vision blurs
Another shallow breath
Sight narrows
I see blackness caving in
Why did I have to be so broken
Why could no one see why weren't their hearts open
Finally my hearing starts to fade this is the end
As if in a dream I see them
I see my heart's my love I see I see the end..
Suicide is a final choice
There's nothing past death you'll have no voice
Don't be iffy make sure there's not even a small chance
Because a decision once made...
Allows Death to begin his dance...
He stands on the cliff of the broken edge
Waiting on someone to come and bury the dead
Night has made its final decree, and the villain has flee
The pleasure of this world is leaning on his shoulder
And the passing of time has made him bolder
He stood there watching the clouds rolling by
And a staggering fire lit up the solemn sky
Spreading a vigorous heat on the bare concrete
He stared straight into the sun until the day was done
No expression was on his face but I could see regret
And anxiety bulging in his petrified eyes
He knew that his December was coming to an end
And he finally has to bend;
The fire is going out of his yes
And there was no more tears left to cry
With all the screaming and shouting
his December is finally caving in
With just three more days left to end the show
The world and his wife are on the go.
Mind over matters the strife and the fleece
The office is hanging on a single thread
And reality is just getting out of bed
The December sun is getting hotter
And the people’s spirit is getting warmer
Tension is floating in the air
While the cry of despair is seeps through the door
And the people are beckoning him to go
I have never seen him cry and I have never seem him sigh,
Even when heavens meet with the sky,
He pretend to be bold, but he is crying behind the door
His feathery hair is flying loose above his head
And he was singing a tune as though he was dead
His boldness and stubbornness has finally cut loose
And he has to exchange it for a new pair of shoes
He has to throw in the towel to redeem the land
And address the boisterous crowd that was loud
All the talk and all the shout
He still didn’t know what he was about
I am still trying to make sense of everything
And I am wondering why they had found favor in him
But now all of that is lost, and he stands empty on the grass
A single podium and a solemn statement
He looked at me and looked at the crowd
Then I know that his term had come to an end
The lights grow dim and the new music begin
And a new fire sprung up in the sky
No resolution no solution
He takes one final look at me and said,
“I have to go “
December sun is very hot.
He's not one to hold hands with people, but when I heard he wanted to die, I wanted to hold his hand tightly so his weak bones became mine and the muscles in my arm became his so he was strong.
I've always known pain, but the night he got alittle taste of his own, I could hear him whisper, "sorry" for the amount of pills he took when his darkness came out to play. I could see the darkness was still there and I'll tell you, it didnt belong there. I could feel his skull caving in because, I watched him drown himself in feelings he couldn't suppress anymore.
I'm one to know hurt, but when he looked at me with those eyes, I could see the hurt that was there an saw an earthquake ripped the best parts of him apart till there was nothing left, but disaster.
I've felt depression since the age of 14, but when depression rattled his brain and suicide looked like the answer, I grew to hate natural disasters even more. I use to think nature taking her world back was beautiful but she almost took him out of my life and that wasn't beautiful.
We were always the ones who never wore black, but when things became hurricanes, we grew to love black. Now, black almost became my least favorite when I saw a funeral in my head. An gun powder almost felt beautiful to wear on my lips and pills almost felt comfortable to take.
I've always been one to cry, but when I tried to be strong, the tears came pouring out because, I couldn't take how he felt away and ease the tension. Being alone, silence became loud when he was no longer around.
I dont want him to apologize for how he felt.
I dont want him to apologize for the pills he took when darkness was calling his name, but if he feels like thats whats right to ease his heart, then its okay.
I want him to know,
I love him more then he'll ever understand and more then this heart of mine could EVER hold in its lifetime. I'm sorry I wasn't there when his darkness wanted him to play.
I hope he knows,
I'm ALWAYS in his corner to save him and pull him through the darkness. I'll sit with him and we don't even have to talk because his silence says it all.
Finger tips trace these scars like rivers of pregnant silence,
Your hands are like the touxh of midas,
Each stroke makes me feel good,
Lips touching flesh, its an erotic shade of a thousand colored rainbows,
Painting my mind with such vivid colors,
Like flavoured water, i just cant get enough of you
Tongue wars of ecstacy, passionate phenomenal emotion, course through my veins,
Soft sighs of whispered cooing, awakens my senses,
The ajar door opening an endless string of satisfaction,
Enthralled by your hypnotic eyes, warm and brimming with devotion,
I find myself caving in to your dimpled smiles,
Our bodies are like temples of gold,
Glistening mountains of strength, each peak,
Oozing scintallating iotas of lust,
The worlds just been turned up a hundred and ten degrees,
my souls pounding against my chest,
My hearts threatining to give in ,
But everytime the edge gets closer, you right there to pull me back.
Bliss, a paradise I don't wanna leave.
Heaven, a place of perfect happiness.
Forever, stuck in your embrace.
Moment, time just stands still
Lightening ,flaring sparks of passion
Perfect, just you and me.
Us, a strong love favoured by the Gods.
Happy ending, ride off into the sunset never looking back
A fantasy of unprecedented emotion, endless devotion and relentless love.
But like a man caught in the downpouring rain, soaked through,
That is how my heart and creativity is brimming with devotion.
Every single word and letter, is filled with meaning and passion.
I need you, for without you Im nothing,
Just an empty page filled with empty spaces
A love letter to a person, I hold so dear to my heart. Doesnt know it yet but Im insanely inlove with this individual.
Never can stop thinking about this individual.
Its all a matter of time before everythin makes sense, my emotions are just too.strong to convey via word of mouth, so I write poetry to make you notice.
But you so stuck in your own world that you dont even see me.