1995

He's not one to hold hands with people, but when I heard he wanted to die, I wanted to hold his hand tightly so his weak bones became mine and the muscles in my arm became his so he was strong. I've always known pain, but the night he got alittle taste of his own, I could hear him whisper, "sorry" for the amount of pills he took when his darkness came out to play. I could see the darkness was still there and I'll tell you, it didnt belong there. I could feel his skull caving in because, I watched him drown himself in feelings he couldn't suppress anymore. I'm one to know hurt, but when he looked at me with those eyes, I could see the hurt that was there an saw an earthquake ripped the best parts of him apart till there was nothing left, but disaster. I've felt depression since the age of 14, but when depression rattled his brain and suicide looked like the answer, I grew to hate natural disasters even more. I use to think nature taking her world back was beautiful but she almost took him out of my life and that wasn't beautiful. We were always the ones who never wore black, but when things became hurricanes, we grew to love black. Now, black almost became my least favorite when I saw a funeral in my head. An gun powder almost felt beautiful to wear on my lips and pills almost felt comfortable to take. I've always been one to cry, but when I tried to be strong, the tears came pouring out because, I couldn't take how he felt away and ease the tension. Being alone, silence became loud when he was no longer around. I dont want him to apologize for how he felt. I dont want him to apologize for the pills he took when darkness was calling his name, but if he feels like thats whats right to ease his heart, then its okay. I want him to know, I love him more then he'll ever understand and more then this heart of mine could EVER hold in its lifetime. I'm sorry I wasn't there when his darkness wanted him to play. I hope he knows, I'm ALWAYS in his corner to save him and pull him through the darkness. I'll sit with him and we don't even have to talk because his silence says it all.