of understanding you
until I can correctly
identify colors
Green is to me
my mother's eyes
in the morning
when she laughs
at a rich joke
while we nibble
cantaloupe
and make fun
of our husbands’
idiosyncrasies
Yellow is in the nature walks
I take with students before lunch
and optimism is in the heart
of every red cardinal
that twitters down
at our scrambling
scrounging
I see you
clearly
to the fiber
of every insecurity,
unshaven hair,
awkward fumbling
and uncertainty
from morning coffee
to evening regrets
over wine and verbosity
you look introspective
when you talk after nine
at night, before the lonelier
barred owl hoots
and we sleep on separate spheres
of the same queen bed
You share leftover memories
of the weeping willow
that fell
and almost uprooted you
The pictures
remember you
from misordered time
of Christmas when reality
held its breath
and we had a day
of suspended reality
Yorkshire pudding and roast beef
We were the ones that broke the rules
of love, and rhythm
Tahira died before
her Swan's song was sung
or maybe I wasn't listening
Mozart, you were a lesser man
than my sister was to me
It’s lonelier to grieve.
Because I knew you.
Because I loved you.
Because I still do.
And now I carry that love
Like a body that won’t stop breathing.
I cry for the life you didn’t live.
For the mornings you missed.
For the years I still imagine even though
I know better.
I cry because I saw you becoming
And then I saw you stop.
I drown in thought.
Not memory
That would mean you were here.
I drown in the future I built around you.
The one you never asked for
But I gave you anyway.
You were supposed to stay.
You were supposed to grow old.
I grieve the man you never got to be.
The one I still talk to in my head when I’m scared
Or tired
Or pretending I’m fine.
I grieve the version of me
Who would’ve loved you longer.
Who would’ve learned how to forgive you for leaving.
I hate the silence. It sounds like you.
I hate the quiet. It feels like you.
I hate the way I still wait for something
that isn’t coming.
You are gone.
But you are everywhere.
In the things I can’t say.
In the breath I hold.
In the way I keep living
Like it means something.
~~~
It’s lonelier to grieve.
Because I knew you.
Because I loved you.
Because I still do.
And now I carry that love
Like a body that won’t stop breathing.
I cry for the life you didn’t live.
For the mornings you missed.
For the years I still imagine even though
I know better.
I cry because I saw you becoming
And then I saw you stop.
I drown in thought.
Not memory
That would mean you were here.
I drown in the future I built around you.
The one you never asked for
But I gave you anyway.
You were supposed to stay.
You were supposed to grow old.
I grieve the man you never got to be.
The one I still talk to in my head when I’m scared
Or tired
Or pretending I’m fine.
I grieve the version of me
Who would’ve loved you longer.
Who would’ve learned how to forgive you for leaving.
I hate the silence. It sounds like you.
I hate the quiet. It feels like you.
I hate the way I still wait for something
that isn’t coming.
You are gone.
But you are everywhere.
In the things I can’t say.
In the breath I hold.
In the way I keep living
Like it means something.
~~~
I spent so many lonely days,
many even lonelier nights,
asking of myself
the whys and wherefores
of this terrible life.
To suffer such ignoble pains,
to be unjustly accused
of things I had not done.
I searched and sought
for reasons unknown.
Did I deserve such a life?
Or should I count the blessings,
a handful of good times?
Should I be content
with what I've received?
Can I say I'm incomplete?
That I have not achieved?
Or is there a balance somewhere
that is forever eluding me.
Do I double count ill luck?
Do I half the good old times?
I must at least be sincere-
evaluate my life complete.
Yet if it's peace I seek
I must remember
that it is not for me
to ask why this, why that,
rather admit that happiness
comes only if we accept and say
"Thy will be done".
Then I'll need to trek
uncharted roads,
fall into dark ravines;
meander through ugly days,
loiter through dreary solitary nights.
For I shall find all comfort:
the sadness I left behind.
Nothing lonelier than being alone in a crowd
standing still in a bustling sea of aliens
they speak their dialects and look
right through me as if I wasn’t there
Feeling insignificant I don’t belong
and everybody knows it
like an imposter trying to fit in
but wearing the wrong camouflage
I try to merge with oncoming traffic
but they ignore me and won’t let me in
refusing to give me a chance
I am not worthy and they let me know it
Secretly part of me thrives in their ostracism
content that I have made my attempt
that like amber in layers underneath
there is more to be found in silence
Inspired by movie “Lost in Translation”
AP: 3rd place 2025, Honorable Mention 2025
In the early morning remnants of a watercolor moon fade slowly into the horizon
Did the night always end so soon
I feel the fire in me subside with the fading of his glow
I'm left with blue
The sudden coolness paints my room here in the sky
Casting shadows around my eyes, my heart is now this hue
This feels lonelier than it should, and I sing to myself waiting on the sunrise
The love of my life did not love me,
And I have pined for him these long lonely years.
He did not see the many tears I have cried,
Why, oh why, did he not care about me?
Now he has died and I am lonelier still.
FOR STEVE
Lonelier than lonely, the walls cry out to I.
I choke on sour taste as I attempt to reply.
Feelings bunch up to crouch inside my throat.
I want to let them loose, put them afloat.
Not upon mountain peaks or in valleys low
would my heartbreak know a dauntless echo.
Sweet cascading, scarlet dark, bold wine,
please, relieve this crimson space that is mine.
My sad flesh feels emotional winds blow,
reminding my heart of all I just let go.
Melt me away, wine – let your fragrant taste
erase all my fears and mellow me to waste.
When all the interactions of the day left me exhausted, and lost,
When I would start to drift,
To let the currents of solitude swallow my little boat-
You would come for me, you would take the helm.
You would point me towards home again.
Now that you are gone, I stay adrift.
Unmoored, there is no darker sea than this.
No lonelier waters, nor more barren shores.
I come to where the ocean is born
I dip my toes into the glassy blackness,
I let my dress slip from my shoulders
And I dive into these dark, dark waters.
The opposite of life
is death
The polar opposite of eternal health
is terminal disease,
with unease perhaps lying/truthing
in-between timelessness
and untimely demise
So too,
my opposite of steady compassion
may be your unsettling dispassion
Elation v deflation
of all these oppositional answers above
as clear
as unclear appositional questings
below.
What is my opposite of suicide?
Self promotion?
Ego inflation?
Having all my consuming needs
fully answered?
Or
maybe some uneasy questing
timeless mind
and spacious body
in-between healthy Now
And death-defying
death-denying
death-defining
death-despairing
death-despoiling
AnthroLove Here
Remains part of EarthLife There
whenever tomorrow comes
Now?
As Me curiously questioning
feels like our lonelier half
of We not yet
finally answering?
What could appositionally rebalance
death's final answering Earth-climate
and life's open questioning Anthro-culture?
What is the opposite of lively ruminations
and deadly ideations?
What lies contentious truths contenting,
In-between EarthBody's discommunication
desecrating death
and AnthroMind's sacred communion life?
She sat in the middle of a bunch of loudmouths
Drinking their various ales and wines,
They were dressed in some truly awful costumes
Most faces were made up, there were few masks
It was Halloween, a festive time, lots of horrible pick- up lines
Someone in the corner was laughing in a truly annoying way
She tried to engage a few of them, but they ignored her
They were all trying to look like they were having a terrific time.
Watching these strangers in a pub try to hook up and communicate,
Used to be entertaining for her, but for some reason,
tonight, she felt lonelier than she had ever felt
Maybe because it was another ill spent Halloween
My grandson gave me this first line
and said write a poem about this.
Actually he was singing the first line.
nobody knows the feeling of being alone
nobody
but me, except
when I join the noisy crowd
still, even then
I’ve a feeling
that nobody knows
how obviously still
alone
and lonelier still
and sadder even
as the crowd
moves in claustrophobic circles
and I draw back
until a familiar voice
my own
dares to brave
a “hello”
dash a smile
at another lonely soul
When your world is engulfed in darkness,
I shall give you my sun
If your luscious blue river stops flowing,
I shall give you my ocean
When you lose resolve,
I will lend you my heart
For it is you who I yearn for
None, but you.
When your land turns arid,
I shall give you my clouds
When you lose your vision,
I shall give you my eyes
And when you feel lonelier than ever,
I shall be by your side
For you are the one I yearn for,
None, save you.
When you lose your peace,
I shall give you my happiness
If you ever love someone,
I wish for you to get what your heart desires,
And I shall bear the sorrow,
For you are what my heart yearns for,
You, and only you.
We never engaged in the pleasure of love-making,
they banned us from giving embraces and kisses:
how belief shaped the naiveness of our minds...
making us fear and keep us from sweet giving!
We longed to tremble, giving a passionate kiss,
we looked around and we saw stern, watchful eyes;
sweetness slipped out of thoughts, turning to bitterness...
they controlled us to impose the strict rules of obstinance!
We never dreamed of ecstasy, always showing a longing
for becoming one soul anchored by nightly loud moans;
we were deprived of sexual thoughts, never drifting
and feeling free from glances: religion bans and kills!
We were lonelier than children reading bed-time stories,
not frolicking romance to incite desire and awareness;
we missed on our youth for their concept of shining grace:
wasn't sex created by God to increase the Human race?
We never engaged in the pleasure of love-making,
they banned us from giving embraces and kisses:
how belief shaped the naiveness of our minds...
making us fear and keep us from sweet giving!
We longed to tremble, giving a passionate kiss,
we looked around and saw stern, watchful eyes;
sweetness slipped out of thought, turning to bitterness...
they controlled us to impose the strict rules of abstinence!
We never dreamed of ecstasy, always showing a longing
for becoming one soul anchored by nightly loud moans;
we were deprived of sexual thoughts, never drifting
and feeling free from glances: religion bans and kills!
We were lonelier than children reading bed-time stories,
not frolicking romance to incite desire and awareness;
we missed on our youth for their concept of shining grace:
wasn't sex created by God to increase the Human race?
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