I dodge the mirror like it’s coming to get me
I lay around like something will change
I curse my frame and do not eat
then I mess it all up again
I spark one up as a way of releasing
then wonder why I feel the same
I’ve never been the jester type, I lose most every game
and how I tower, splutter and scour
putting in my two pence when the bill has been paid
Yet when I yearn for a different shape, different pastime, different state, every drop of me dries up
every lump, with it every bump, is part of my mosaic
every thorn has its rose, there’s a darkness behind every pose
Imperfect is my perfect; it’s me everyone knows
Yes, I bare all my emotions
I can be short, I can form oceans
I get things wrong, sometimes more than right
I don’t foresee with perfect sight
But I’ll be there when things feel off, when you’re drowning and it all just stops
I’ll prove myself when you’re not sure
when I fall down I’ll find another door
Imperfect is my perfect and will be for ever more
Line of Inquiry:
“joy, empathy, compassion
on an upward arc
an effervescence eternal
causes bliss ignition to start” - Unseeking Seeker
a nightjar sang in ecstasy
its haunting melody reaching me
a kindred spirit in its reticence
due to our unassuming countenance
when love found me by the ceil blue stream
that wended among harsh words of the past
it was more than just a lifeline
to heal my bruised spirit
I lifted my head to the warmth of his words
as their caresses washed away my insecurities
under the bridal arch we promised fidelity
before the sun had set
Forever apart I still watch over you
Sometimes the pain still burns
How I try to make sense of my world now
50 times over this age ain't so lucky
Harder now to search and rescue this love I have
I build my foundations on questions with no answers
Sure I try to build a connection with others
But still that fear takes over
Over think is what I do
Over compensate for my flaws
It's an enternal war of emotion
So many scars so many tears
Long into the night is when I scream alone
In a battle with my demons
Weapon of choice hide it away
Seeking out validation for an outstanding warrant
On my peace lock it away maybe till I die
Harder it is to say to those I need
I like you I love all your about
Sometimes it seems to fall on deaf ears
Sometimes the reflection is preaching so many self absorb lies
Can't recognize the truth
In my eyes I will never be good enough
Until I find that smile from the one that can break through all my walls of insecurities.
In the shadowed corners of my thoughts,
In a whisper,
not heard,
l i n g e r s— unseen by the eye but
felt.
A tremor under my skin,
a pulse of doubt's steady march,
where questions collide with silence,
I own rooms in these echo chambers
which contain scattered dreams
Sometimes
in what seems like
perpetual night.
I know making you less perfect
won’t make me any better
yet I can’t help it
I fabricate your flaws in my head
as if it would make my own disappear
almost as if ruining you
made me any better
…
almost as if making you imperfect
made me as perfect as you
—maybe I should learn to love my flaws instead of obsessing over yours
i like her
i like her a lot
i want to kill myself
he likes her
she likes him a lot
i want to kill myself
Oh, how were the days
i hoped to unite
Hoping the love
won't just be mine
But damn, i hope a lot
The ugly beast that i am, I can not
The prince shall take the princess
and they'll live ever happily
The beast will await his death
for he's lost and full of apathy
once again the wretch cries
Under the starry skies
With lust for death in himself
i want to kill myself
I fear I'm not enough,
A young girl's quiet doubt,
In this world so big and tough,
I wonder what it's all about.
I worry I can't measure up,
To expectations high and strong,
But I'll keep trying, never give up,
Even when things seem so wrong.
I'll take small steps, one by one,
Learning as I go, you'll see,
In the end, I'll find the sun,
And be the best that I can be.
In a world that says I must be pretty,
I struggle with doubts, it isn't easy.
They want me to change, inside and out,
But why can't they see what I'm about?
I study hard, I do my best,
But still, I feel I'm not like the rest.
Insecurities fill my mind,
Wondering if I'll ever find
A way to be just who I am,
Without changing for a silly plan.
My insecurities, taunting me
With the s i l e n t treatment, enoughs
Stirring up doubt inside, where
I hide all the loose ends, the frailties
Little uncertainties, haunting me
With the assumptions, the assurance
I’m not good enough, never
Good enough – wise enough,
Kind enough – bright enough
Never will be sure enough
Can’t imagine being pure enough
No, I know I’ll never be enough
I know I’m not enough,
But, still I want the joy, the love
That comes from sharing my life
Without someone I love,
Someone who will understand,
The wonder of a friend,
The tenderness of a man,
It must be God’s plan…
Because He gave me someone to love
Someone who is sure, makes me feel secure,
Comforts and encourages, soothes away
My doubts, the darkness, the past –
Lifts me out of the clouds that blot out
My dreams, my faith, my hope
He quiets ever tear, all the fear
With the promise that He is here
Always, throughout it all, through every year…
My knight in shining armor – and, I love him so – love him so much more
I have been having a hard time adjusting
In this picture perfect world
Often having this notion
If i belong here
I didn't know they'd care if i came back
Now i have a lot of regrets
Running away from the insecurities
And panic stricken thoughts
But i am in the here
Just wanted you to know that this is me trying
They told me all of my cages were mental
So i got wasted like all my potential
Even after all this time
This is me trying
I just keep faking it.
Smiling thinking I'm making it.
They all think I'm okay.
They all think I'm not insecure.
They don't know I'm dying inside.
The light they see through me,
Is not the same as i see through myself.
Even though I tell myself that I'm the most
beautiful girl on earth,
I know it ain't the truth, I'm just tryna hide
My insecurities from myself
My mind wanna explode everyday!
The depression and the pressure are
Gettin worser everyday.
Each day my insrcureness increases rapidly.
But i try to hide it by telling people that I'm
the most intelligent ,beautiful and successful girl
that God has ever created on earth.
I know they won't see my insrcureness
because i tell them one same lie
with a smile on my face everyday.
If you see some ants, you will
A) trample them under your feet
B) feed them with leftover sweet
C) turn them into a yum treat
D) watch them catwalk down the street
If you see mosquitoes, you'll
A) swat them away with your hand
B) give them blood as they command
C) guide them back to their marshland
D) listen to their jazzy band
If you see a spider, you'll
A) watch it knit silken cobweb
B) honour it like a celeb
C) squash it with your broomstick's web
D) let it live till time will ebb
If you see a worm, you will
A) watch it wriggle and squiggle
B) poke it with stick and giggle
C) let it be free to wiggle
D) flatten it, no more jiggle
If you see cockroaches, you'll
A) let them dine on your cooked food
B) fry them deep or have them stewed
C) order them out, being rude
D) kill them and their growing brood
11th Feb 2023
For Suzanne Delaney's "Multiple choice poem" contest
A voice in my head, a constant chatter
Doubting my worth, does it really matter?
A fear of failure, a fear of the unknown
A fear of rejection, feeling alone
A fear of being judged, for who I am
My insecurities, a never-ending jam
But I know deep down, they're not who I am
I'll keep pushing through, I'll take a stand
I'll face my fears, I'll be brave
I'll be true to myself, I'll pave the way
My insecurities, I'll leave them behind
I'll keep on growing, my true self I'll find.
Insecurities part 2
Why is my hair so brown?
I can’t help but frown
I wanna dye my hair
I can’t compare
To those other girls
Their like beautiful pearls
And i’m stuck wondering
Do I even belong?
I hate my nose
I think it shows
That i'm not comfortable
Looking the way I do
I wanna change it all
Then I wouldn’t feel so small
I’d finally be brave enough to
Be who i wanna be and do
What i wanna do without
Any of my doubt
I can walk up to all those guys
And stare them in there eyes
And tell themI think their cute
So im in pursuit
To find myself
The self that makes me happy
Insecurities
They make you question yourself
Can’t I just be me?
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