I once knew a seer, name of Hortense
Who specialized in ominous portents
Said I should marry a toad
Long as he cleaned and he sewed
I said, ‘You go first ~ It makes so much sense’
Categories:
hortense, humor, marriage, visionary,
Form: Limerick
Horton smelled a Who, what about Hortense
Did she have that special female 'sixth sense'
It seems she was lacking
But not 'cos of hacking
'Hortense! Stop burning that freaking incense!'
Categories:
hortense, animal, drug, husband, senses,
Form: Limerick
Hortense and Gertrude
Priscilla, Imogene
Once-popular names
no more to be seen
Isadore, Cornelius
Cyrus and Mortimer
Back in the day such
names courted her
You never know though
when a name may return
Such as Ambrose, Edsel
Penelope or Fern
Categories:
hortense, fun, identity, nostalgia,
Form: Rhyme
Hortense was an Opera singer,
Who thought she was a humdinger.
Every breath that she took,
Screamed like a strangulated chook,
The audience put Hortense through the wringer.
Categories:
hortense, 10th grade,
Form: Limerick
Hortense Halle was a regular hoot
She bought herself a new cottontail suit
Hula hoop earrings
A pair of pink wings
She never did fly ~ but boy, was she cute
Categories:
hortense, cute, fashion, flying,
Form: Limerick
There once was a fat lady named Hortense
who claimed she could sing but this was nonsense.
She would make our ears ring
when she tried hard to sing
for her hitting high C was an offense.
Categories:
hortense, humor,
Form: Limerick
There once was a lass named Hortense
When she spoke she didn't make sense
An interpreter was needed
But the interpreter cheated
Swore like a trooper, made the air blue and intense
© Jack Ellison 2015
Categories:
hortense, humorous,
Form: Limerick
Why does our nose smell and our feet run?
Methinks the answer could be kinky
If Mother Nature chose the other way round
It sure would be messy and stinky
Here's something you should never ever do
Don't make fun of a paleontologist
Bet you're wondering why, you bright people
Coz surely you'll get Jurasskicked
What did the banana say to the doctor?
“I'm not peeling well today”
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
Apparently he pasta way!
Two drunks in a bar, one says to the other
“Isn't that Hortense over there?”
The other says she looks pretty calm to me
Saw her knickers, try not to stare
When a midget fortune teller escapes from jail
It's called a small medium at large
Was laughing so hard, nearly soiled my knickers
That surely gave me a good charge
The difference between pea soup and roast beef
Obviously you can't pee soup
But roasting beef is really quite common
Now hang in there until the next group
© Jack Ellison 2015
Categories:
hortense, silly,
Form: Narrative
Hortense Reads a Romance Novel
By Elton Camp
The cover picture is easy to understand
Beautiful woman with bare-chested man
Into her lusty eyes he does peer
Their intentions are quite clear
It’s a book designed only to sell
So needn’t be written very well
Sexual scenes loosely connected
From such drivel is expected
Unrealistic expectations it arouses
As the couple bawdily carouses
Perhaps I have no right to bash
Say only a loser reads such trash
Since I’ve never read a single one
How can I say they’re not fun?
At least it gives Hortense a thrill
And, for her, it must fill the bill
Categories:
hortense, humor,
Form: Rhyme
IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT
Not a knockout to begin with
Dubious the juices beneath her skin
Hortense Winesap was a last resort
(after all the callers had needs)
She sat around the house
Feeling bruised and unwanted
Hoping every knock on the door
Would lead to a last of the sweet packages
Would lead to her needed fulfillment
But finally the late traffic stopped
Poor Hortense was left all alone
All sad and faded-red
A big truck pulled-up outside
Shook her shook her off the table
She rolled onto the bare floor
Split wide open –
The forgotten apple
Categories:
hortense, life
Form: Narrative