Oh, you can’t have sex after seventy
Your children just wouldn’t approve
And if your neighbours found out
You’d probably have to move
No, you can’t have sex after seventy
You’ve got to be young and fit
And every succeding generation
All seem think they invented it.
You just can’t have sex after seventy
Though it’s not quite against the law
You should be watching the tele
Or maybe doing the odd jigsaw
No, you can’t have sex after seventy
If you get such an unnatural urge
Drink some hot Epsom Salts
And give your bowels a purge.
You just can’t make love after seventy
Just accept it with good grace
No you can’t have sex after seventy
And wipe that smirk off your face
Oh, you can’t have sex after seventy
Your children just wouldn’t approve
And if your neighbours found out
You’d probably have to move
No, you can’t have sex after seventy
You’ve got to be young and fit
And every succeding generation
All think they invented it.
You just can’t have sex after seventy
Though it’s not quite against the law
You should be watching the tele
Or doing the odd jigsaw
No, you can’t have sex after seventy
If you get such an unnatural urge
Drink some hot Epsom Salts
And give your bowels a purge.
You just can’t make love after seventy
Just accept it with good grace
No you can’t have sex after seventy
And wipe that smirk off your face
Lavender tinted
Two serpents of the sea
Chafing scales
Twisting through
Kuroshio Currents
Prancing Minions
Sirens of the deep
Bathing in rosen lilac
l'écume de mer
Frothing on the Horizon
Silken Goddesses
Submerged in Epsom salinity
Artfully teasing
Envisioning
A Better Tomorrow
Nice time to relax
With some scented Epsom salt
A treat for the feet
Soak in warm water, calming
Simple things go a long way
Heidi Sands
2/21/19
Inspired by Joseph Mays limerick contest.
(not for contest )
-----------------------------------------------
A mischievous chef known as McMurray
For a joke put Epsom salts in the curry
The toilet door he did lock
The customers were in shock
He left by the back door in a great hurry.
An astronomer by the name of Pete
Was perving at the lady cross the street
Full moon he did spy
But not in the sky
He got caught and went as white as a sheet.
There was a dodgy plumber called John Blake
No plumbing skills was a bit of a fake
The wrong nut he undone
Panicked went on the run
Now downstairs of the house has its own lake.
A randy teacher called Fred O'Hare
With a young girl he had an affair
But she told her dad
Who went hopping mad
Now Fred is getting medical care .
There was a very weird poet from Bude
Loved to sit out writing verse in the nude
A wasp stung his manhood
Screamed out as you would
Doc said that's what you get for being rude .
Men dressed in top hats and tails
Ladies in designer dresses and fascinators,
Bookmakers standing by the rails
Taking bets singles or accumulators,
Epsom downs, Derby day classic
The best of three year old equines,
Tensions heightened becoming dramatic,
Punters drinking champagne and wines,
Beautiful majestic Arabian athletes
Parade in front of the stand, so elegant,
Coats shining, muscular, nothing competes
Showing their professional temperament,
Jockeys in pristine silks so colourful,
Trainers and owners in the paddock,
Stall handlers loading horses so skilful,
Under starters orders ready to gallop,
Stalls open, up goes a roar from the crowd
One and half mile to the finish and victory,
Last furlong favourite in the lead, cries so loud,
Another exquisite young Colt makes history.
On June 3rd 2017
With a body made of paper, he went outside to feel the drops of rain.
Leaving behind an aluminum roof, cardboard siding.
He extended his arm feeling the calmness of her splash. Exploding into a million more drops.
It began to rain harder. With her granting his very wish.
He stood there for a moment. Rain drenching him with an excitement he'd never before felt.
He fell to the ground in a puddle of her longing.
She pressed her face against his neck and cried.
His blue and red lines began to melt. Trailing down into the puddle.
He weighed himself in her depth, feeling the ripple of her hand lap against his face.
He suffocated in that moment.
Unfolding himself against her curve,
Loosing form of his body. His tongue in tune with hers.
Epsom salt to the ache of sore muscles.
This was the effect she had on him.
The first time him facing an outer body experience.
Floating about until they both evaporated.
With him holding every drop of her, until there was nothing left
Baptized within each others temple
Heads folded down. Enveloping each other
MIRROR INSANITY
ready
aim
fire
at your eye
now
don’t
miss
magnify
small
dirt
speck
repeat repeat repeat
until
your
tongue
falls from your cheek
wipe
away
hearts
they’re too red
soak
your
face
in epsom salts
don’t
breathe
in
arousing fumes
you
might
wake
up
3/6/2017
Pansies and Deer
No matter what I planted and suppose
There will be a place where a weed grows
And then all of my lawn as I look over
All I seem to be seeing is a bunch of clover.
In my poems, I really hate to sound mean
Clover can be dark or maybe bright green
And of course also yet it is so very true
Weeds end up with ends yellow or bright blue.
Now by bugs and moles lawn is being infested
And almost whole lawn has become digested
When I look again some patches I saw
That are brown looking like some straw.
Had a great idea which was olden and golden
Several pansy plants from out front have stolen
They would eventually throw away and discard
So I planted them all around my whole yard.
Threw Epsom salts down when I did groom
And all of my fine flowers beautifully bloom
And am sure you know I can hardly wait
To see what each deer, doe and mate just ate.
We're all ingredients in the humanity stew
The sad clowns
The prescription abusers
The chickens running around without their heads
This dish can never be out done
It's killing me
Ashes from Pompeii
The braces of teenage heart throbs
Bloody black and blues from abusive relationships
Fill the pots and pans
A homemade meal per say
Chain linked sausage fences
Add some Epsom salt
Some beef chuck
Giblets
And Simonides of Ceos
Daphoenus bones
A dentist and a retainer
Cornets, pirouettes and percocets
Awkward magazine subscriptions
You can buy the cookbook in all its opacity
See it in the Intrepid Museum
There is work to be done on Mount Olympus
Therefore we should go see a movie at the drive in
BUDGERY JIM
About the 1880s Joe came to the Hebel area...
He passed by an Aboriginal camp...
Saw one sick man a lying there..
Bad food gave him the cramp..
Poisoned Joe thought, so they purged him..
castor oil in, to make him well...
With a touch of Epsom salts, so grim...
But sickness grip still held its spell...
The Witch Doctor came to the rescue...
Said "too much white man's tucker you eat"...
Sucked the badness out from his navel....
Spat blood and froth, not so sweet...
Witch doctor had been spitting blood...
a bite made in his own mouth...
He then spat out the bottle cap...
sauce bottles were lying about...
greedy fella too much tomato sauce...
spoke the Doctor with a sly grin...
you swallowed the bottle cap, like a horse...
cured you are now Budgery Jim....
Budgery rose and stepped, oh so lightly...
As only the Aussie native can....
Just like a young emu just might be ...
No death song for Budgery man....
Don Johnson
Budgerigar ...good bird ...
Budgery fella good fella...
Ned was grandma's billy goat,
The meanest goat in town;
Every time you crossed his path,
He'd try to butt you down!
Buddy was our neighbor,
A twisted lil' teen;
He always nagged that billy goat,
For that's what made him mean!
Fate caught up to Buddy,
We had an awful scare;
He slipped on muddy soil,
With his butt in open air!
Ned saw his target,
"KA-THUD!!"...was all we heard;
Buddy flew across the way,
I could swear he passed a turd!
Buddy tried to squeeze himself,
Between a wooden gate;
Mercy failed to comprehend,
By then, it was all too late!
Trapped like a weary mouse,
Bud's rump in open view;
Ned landed fifty thumps,
His butt turned black n' blue!
It took us all to save him,
Talk about a battered fig;
All the while he was screamin',
Like a frightened little pig!
Hot baths and epsom salts,
A lesson Buddy gained;
He slept beneath a ceiling fan,
To ease his throbbing pain!
Oh, what a laughing stock,
We teased him constantly;
"BILLY GOAT!!", we'd often cry,
Just to watch him flee!
My brother was first at the table
to pile six pancakes on his plate.
I don’t know how he stayed so skinny
given the enormous amount that he ate.
My daddy had made the hot syrup
from white sugar or so he had thought.
After one bite my brother was choking,
hair rising as though he’s besot.
Then Dad yelled ,”Don’t pour the syrup.
Instead of sugar, I grabbed Epsom Salt. "
Won No. 5
BUDGERY JIM
About the 1880s Joe came to the Hebel area...
He passed by an Aboriginal camp...
Saw one sick man a lying there..
Bad food gave him the cramp..
Poisoned Joe thought, so they purged him..
castor oil in, to make him well...
With a touch of Epsom salts, so grim...
But sickness grip still held its spell...
The Witch Doctor came to the rescue...
Said "too much white man's tucker you eat"...
Sucked the badness out from his navel....
Spat blood and froth, not so sweet...
Witch doctor had been spitting blood...
a bite made in his own mouth...
He then spat out the bottle cap...
sauce bottles were lying about...
greedy fella too much tomato sauce...
spoke the Doctor with a sly grin...
you swallowed the bottle cap, like a horse...
cured you are now Budgery Jim....
Budgery rose and stepped, oh so lightly...
As only the Aussie native can....
Just like a young emu just might be ...
No death song for Budgery man....
Don Johnson
Budgerigar ...good bird ...
Budgery fella good fella...
Mama said Vitamin D was a cure-all
Basking in sunshine in the coldest winter
With sneezes, chest congestion and much coughing
I wrestled in red wood chairs getting splinters
Mama said prayer was the best road to good health
Pews in our church were infested by termites
Incense gave me headaches and caused me to tear
The old chapel was an entryway to last rights
Mama said to soak bee stings in Epsom salts
But that never stopped the pain or the swelling
Her next best solution was pure iodine
When poured on a wound, neighbors heard me yelling
Mama said many things that now seem senseless
Doctors propose treatments even more bizarre
So now I sit confined to my room each day
Afraid of what I'll catch if I stray too far
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