Infancy leads to decline
Teeth twixt extremes
Independence grows
Ends in dependence
Hair sparse and grey
Nails curved and ridged
Skin wrinkled, loose
Muscles wasted
Bathing, a project
Diet, soft, pureed
Normal sight, hardly
Wits about, barely
Taste no more
Hear less
Tiring easily
Wanting less
I wish I knew how to quit you
I wish leaving were simple
like turning towards the door
and not looking back
but when I reach for courage
it lets go
but you don’t
I need to let you go
it’s not a want
it’s a need
I hate you
I still want you
let me go
I don’t want you
I need you
I shouldn’t
Quitting you
it should be easy
it’s said to be easy
I wish it were easy
you don’t make it easy
but for some reason it’s
alluring because maybe
just maybe
you need me and
that doesn’t make it easy
you tug my leash
close enough to follow,
far enough to hunger
And it’s painful
leaving you hurts like
every step farther I take is
a whip
leaving marks I pretend not to see
I can’t help but look
and remember how much easier
it is to stay and
how foolish I am for leaving so
I come back but
you make me feel stupid again
why do you make me feel this way
each step away I take
I step back two more
I don’t know how to quit you
shame in helpless hands
self-reliance,my heart's wish
freedom's gentle pride.
Dependance died with the scars on my arms
Kindness died with the scars on my mind
Trust died with the scars on my heart
I died when the blue sky turned gray
My heart died when it was betrayed
My mind died with all the screams of pain
My soul died when you turned away
My love died when it shattered into pieces
Tears fell when you kicked me out
Tears fell when my life fell apart
Tears fell when I trusted for the last time
Now tears that fall turn into ice
The girl that wanted to save the world
Now wants to watch it burn
The girl that wanted to care for all
Now caves inward for only herself
She had never felt so loved, past threshold
of turning back to familiar home
There was comfort in arms that held
her statuesque form, heart fine honed
His cruelty made her kind, bound to commit
to vows she once thought she could not follow
Free spirit reigned in, free will did permit
dependance on hope's promise, now hollow
Embedded deeply in heart and in mind,
integrity fired truth to be her guide
knowing full well all she would leave behind
To give her best was all she could try
But for the fact she was so much hated
She would not have known love, underrated
Aqua Marine 02/04/2024
Inspiration: Portrait of a Lady by Henry James.
Chaos
Is empty and full
May seem as
Unconditional love..
Chaos
Is empty fullness
Which appears as
Order..
A creation story...
I am
Is the appearance
Of order
In and as chaos...
Sensitive dependance
On initial conditions..
Began the story
Of a butterfly and a
Tornado...
Chaos
Is not knowing
Appearing sometimes
As knowing...
Life feels
Like chaos
With a masking
Of order...
Wind whispers through the ears of distant lovers as the sun hides behind ominously positioned clouds
where their gray cast shadows on quiet hearts
quiet minds, & quiet eyes alike
Poor lovers, transfixed by natures embodiment of their undisclosed truths,
words no more manageable than a peep escaping a ducklings throat
Eyes shut wide, glued by dependance
Waiting for mama to come, waiting to be fed
But there is no food here, just gray
& mama will not come it is just you and i
& the feelings we dare not bare
Starving ourselves
waiting for spring to melt the ice away
Hampered decades withered wasted
Filtered faint supposed adult phases
Thumb stuck under parental watch
Otherwise valid options squashed
Tip toe inhibit, always present parents
Lame version of living, aged thirty seven
Stagnated, restricted mentality of boy
Stranger to poinant beckon, own voice
Girlfriend experience has to be paid for
Without privacy, mature desires unable
To explore collected life's excitement
Warranted ability boxed and frightened
Nightly dinner served, bed Mum tidies
Long spanning dependance, care relying
On compassion, viewed incompetence
Spun by insulting cyclic denial's dance
Worked fifteen years for family business
Residing rent free, secure job benefits
Have a five bedroom house in next suburb
Sits always untenanted to avoid trouble
Your foresight surely conjurs panic
Soon elderly parents may not manage
Destined to remain home, become their carer
Tiny limit of terrified world takes you nowhere
Your path in life I always aim to enhance.
My time with you is balanced as best I can
most often driven by your dependance.
Independence the goal since your life began.
Remember mistakes make way for another chance
to embrace the lessons of lifes great plan.
My love is not something to balance
nor to feel shared or compared by our clan
For each of you its unique in substance
not quantifiable, not more or less than
My love will hold strong no matter the distance
I am yours, always, for you are my children.
ithe doctor said when i was young...take the pill...youll feel better. youll feel better. youll feel numb and depressed and all you wanna do is sleep it off but the pills wont let you. i stopped the pills because i learned quickly that the green ones kill you if you take more than one;
the red ones or maroon dont really do anything;
the blue ones...dont take them theyre for grandpa;
the white ones make everything better;
the smallest white ones are for moms monthly issue...what magazine needs pills?
the clear yellow ones...stay away that is all.
the clear green ones make you sleepy;
and i do not take them because dependance is hard to break...i wont make the same mistakes daddy did...i promise
As the world fills up with chaos, people beggin to lose focus
Like external, slick, black fingers, here to manipulate us
Though what we have now been living in, drowning in, surviving with
Is now what we and mother watcher need to further earths existance
Just beyond your focus, came a fallout of rage.
There was a silance that had ended by the look on your face.
And I could swear_____ I saw you fall apart, your strength
had turned to weakness as you through up your arms.
I CAN tell when your losing your way.
And it's not fair that your running away.
Your dispositions faded like the jeans that you wear,
and by this challenge thats forsaken because you really don't care.
It's about this matter of dependance that you've already scathed,
so lets head back into the silence so that we don't BREAK away.
And just follow me if you don't know your way,
and I won't tell...........when your running around in circles.
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