Cletus O'Toole spent some time in Reno
Where he lost his shirt playin' at keno
This caused a great deal of strife
With his long-sufferin' wife
She raged on like a squally El Nino
Most folks attend church to worship and praise the Lord as a general rule,
But this is not necessarily the case for God-fearing Deacon Cletus O'Toole.
He religiously goes to church every Sunday to take a nap (such is his nerve!),
And partake of potluck suppers and to quaff the coffee and donuts they serve!
Since toilet tissue is so hard to find
He bought a bidet to cleanse his behind
With the very first flush
Cletus scalded his tush
To use again he was not too inclined
He quaffed a six-pack of Corona Beers
Ending up with the worst headache in years
Perhaps to lessen his plight
He should've had a Bud Lite
Sure sign of 'corona' virus, he fears!
Cletus O'Toole in a moment of greed
'Borrowed' the judge's magnificent steed
To steal a horse not his'n
He spent six months in prison
His name e'er stained for that dastardly deed!
Cletus O'Toole had always yearned to fly
He joined the Air Force to give it a try
He tried a daring chandelle
It didn't go all that well
Cletus crashed in the muck of a pigsty
Cletus joined the Navy on a fool whim
And was told he needed to learn to swim
He was launched off the dock
And he sank like a rock
The Navy straightaway got rid of him
Though many times Cletus O'Toole was somewhat uncouth,
He could always be relied upon to tell the truth.
No better legacy to his progeny could he bequeath,
Than that of, "Truer words were never spoken thru falser teeth!"
Cletus O'Toole checked in all set to fly
Mistletoe o'er the bag scale caught his eye
He asked, "Can I have my kiss?"
"No!" replied the little miss
"That is there to kiss yer luggage goodbye!"
Cletus O'Toole asked the lady, perchance
If she would like to join him for a dance
He trampled her toes
And rumpled her clothes
When asked again she said, "Nope! Not a chance!"
Cletus O'Toole slipped on a 'nana peel
He broke his femur and damaged his heel
He asked a judge to rule
"You lost yer suit, O'Toole;
A higher court might consider ap'peel'!"
Cletus O'Toole sulked 'neath the mistletoe
Pining for a kiss by chicks to bestow
They tittered as they passed by
Noting his jean's open fly
All 'cept Cletus were enjoying the show
Cletus O'Toole tested the slopes at Vail
He met some trees as he sped t'ward the vale
'Twas a short-lived journey
Sprawling on a gurney
His hapless schuss left him woozy and pale
Cletus O'Toole was a hopeless recruit
Cletus cared for the army not one hoot
He was the sergeants bane
And deemed their rules inane
He was asked to leave and given the boot
Cletus O'Toole fancied himself so cool
'Til at Clyde's Bar he got fresh with Jewel
Her he tried to embrace
She punched him in the face
In fact so hard it knocked him off his stool
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