Long Cletus Poems
Long Cletus Poems. Below are the most popular long Cletus by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Cletus poems by poem length and keyword.
Cletus O'Toole by a suspicious game warden was approached,
To discuss the demise of a moose he was suspected of havin' poached.
Fer huntin' out of season and havin' no permit he was in a serious bind;
Fer this offense he could spend time in the hoosegow and be heavily fined!
He was thereby cuffed and taken post haste to the county jail,
To await his appearance before the judge sans the benefit of bail!
Before the bar of justice he claimed as his meager defense,
That his gun fired accidentally as he was crossin' a barbed wire fence!
The judge didn't buy it and he was heavily fined and sent to prison,
Fer slayin' a hapless moose (property of the State) that warn't his'n!
I strolled through the local cemetery the other day
And here are some epitaphs I observed along the way:
Cletus O'Toole lies herein
Too much boozing done him in!
Here lies a gambler molding in his crypt
Odds are he was shot by a chump he had gyped!
His spouse spotted him leaving a house of ill repute
In short order she done him in during a heated dispute!
Clyde raced down the mountain and failed to swerve
Meeting his doom on an S-shaped curve!
His plea to the judge was ruled to be moot
He was sentenced to hang for fencing some loot!
Buckaroo Bob was throwed from his horse
And was buried with his boots on as a matter of course!
The town ruffian was our late friend Keith
He met his match and was interred sans his teeth!
Pilot Pete's final radio message was, "Oh! Shoot!"
Seems he forgot to don his parachute!
Farrier Fred was a premier cobbler as a general rule
Alas, he was kicked in the head by an unruly mule!
Butcher Bruce was expert at wielding his knife
But in a fatal spat he was out-wielded by his wife!
POTD 24 June 2021
"Howdy to you all from Colorado! This is Cletus Schlunk reporting,
Where gossip is fair and balanced and there is little or no distorting!
It's the home of the Rockies, Broncos, Nuggets and potholes galore,
And old mining towns like Leadville and Cripple Creek, full of western lore!"
"Hordes of gaping tourists from all over come to visit the Centennial State,
So I collared one to get his views and his comments to you I'll relate."
"Sir, could you spare a few minutes of your time for a little chat?
Tell me where you're from and where did you get that silly hat?"
"Ah'm frum th' great state uv Texus an' that's a hunder'd dollar Stetson son.
Now, don'tcha go a-makin' sport uv me - ah've cum here ta have a little fun!"
"Be forewarned that when sipping a cool Coors, respect the altitude here."
"Yup! Ah've figgered out that jes' one uv 'em will set ya' on yer rear!"
"What do you think of our magnificent mountains reaching for the sky?"
"Shucks! We used to have 'em in Texus an' they wuz nearly twice as high!
But ah'm here ta tell ya', they wuz flattened out years an' years ago.
That's why Texus is th' biggest state in the lower 48, I want ya'all ta know!"
"Have you fished our pristine streams, many that are off the beaten track?"
"Yup! Caught a 30-incher - he wuz a Texus minner so I throwed 'im back!"
"Well, folks, he out-bragged me so I brought the interview to a hasty cease!
Till next time, from Colorful Colorado, I wish each of you happiness and peace!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 2 in the "Reporting Live On The Soup" Contest - July 2010
Cecil the Magician knew a heap of tricks,
But, alas, couldn't get himself out of this fix!
Carl was laid to rest for his eternal snooze,
Brought about by guzzling too much booze!
Pete was a rock-hard liberal Democrat.
Lord, be merciful and forgive him for that!
'Twas well-known that Cletus was such a crooked politician,
That he had to be screwed in the ground by the mortician!
Buster was shot while fencing his plunder.
Now he lies a-moldering six feet under!
Clarice was an avid tea party conservative Republican.
Democrats need her vote - Lord, convert her if you can!
Fred met his doom when his plane malfunctioned.
To make matters worse his parachute disfunctioned!
Here reposes the mortal shell of Marty McCall,
Who met his doom in a barroom brawl!
Bob sank without a trace and things looked grim.
He tried to tell them that he couldn't swim!
At last he found peace when he suddenly died,
But now his shrewish wife dwells by his side!
The doc warned him about all that cholesterol.
Too much meat and taters brought about his fall!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2015 All Rights Reserved
May tranquility reign and grace your Thanksgiving board this year,
As you thank the Good Lord for all the blessings you hold dear!
I pray that it will be a time of good cheer and not a free-for-all,
As in the dysfunctional family described below, ending in a brawl!
Grandpa said grace that rambled on interminably while stomachs growl.
Grandma had heard enough of that and poked him with a warning scowl!
Pompous Uncle Blimp boasted about the democrats winning the election,
While saner heads steered the conversation in a more innocuous direction!
Ne'er-do-well Cousin Cletus who was recently released from prison,
Wailed about being falsely imprisoned saying the cannabis wasn't his'n!
Aunt Louise complained that she didn't get the turkey gizzard as was her due!
Dad was happily sozzled having consumed too much of his homemade brew!
Little Marvin slopped gravy on grandma's prized heirloom tablecloth!
Nana screeched about controlling your brats - she was most visibly wroth!
The kid howled and mommy hugged him saying, "It was not your fault!"
In the aftermath, little was said except an occasional, "Pass the salt!"
Elbows flew and the hapless turkey's carcass was stripped clean and bare!
Grandpa removed his teeth to take a snooze, fed up with the whole affair!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Cletus considered himself an expert angler, handy with reel and rod.
He'd landed ever'thing from wily rainbow trout to North Atlantic cod.
He'd fished the streams, rivers and lakes from sea to shinin' sea,
But he met his Waterloo on an ice fishin' expedition as we shall see!
He bought a tidy little fishin' shack that was really very nifty,
That he could haul aboard his pickup, a beat-up old Ford One-fifty.
He purchased a parka, gloves and boots to weather the fiercest storm,
And took his pals Jim Beam and Jack Daniels along to help keep him warm!
He drove upon the ice and set up his shack on a North Dakota reservoir,
Settled back anticipatin' a nibble on his line and then he lit a fine cigar.
He took a snooze but was awakened by a growin' rumblin' sound.
At that he pulled on his boots and got up to take a look around.
Alas, a huge crack in the ice was creepin' inexorably t'ward his Ford!
He espied a beckonin' floe passin' by and quickly jumped aboard!
Cletus shivered as he saw his truck and the shack sink in a trice!
"Damn", he mused, "I reckon I misjudged the thickness of the ice!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
Mr. Butcher, the undertaker, did a capital job of laying old Cheatum out,
Though he had to cram him in the casket since the senator was rather stout!
During the viewing, folks marveled at Mortician Butcher's cosmetic skill,
Especially the work on his bulbous nose, purpled by the booze he used to swill!
At the funeral, the preacher asked if anyone cared to eulogize the late departed.
The stone-faced congregation remained mute - no kind words were imparted!
This came as no surprise to the reverend who struggled to say something nice,
Something tactful and meaningful for the old galoot's bourne to Paradise!
His stoic widow sat staring ahead under the glaring gaze of the congregation.
She wore rubies, diamonds and emeralds looking like a queen at coronation!
Cheatum somehow always managed in his annual congressional appropriation,
To divert funds for his aggrandizement, further tainting his soiled reputation!
He was transported to Glorious Sunrise Cemetery in a horse-drawn hearse.
Folks thought that appropriate since they knew him to be a horse's reverse!
The reverend intoned an appropriate prayer as he was lowered in the ground.
There was nary a teary-eyed constituent of old Cheatum to be found!
On a nearby grassy knoll stood the gravediggers Arnold, Cletus and Dave,
Leaning on their shovels sipping Old Milwaukee waiting to close the grave.
Cletus having a way with words said, "I feel like throwin' rocks at the hearse!
Good Lord a-mighty! Can that new guy, Senator Swindler be any worse!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
I was strolling through Evergreen Cemetery the other day,
Glancing at epitaphs etched upon various stones along the way.
Some flowing verse was out of this world but I can only assume,
That the authors were forthcoming in how they met their doom!
"Should an inconsiderate bird upon my stone alight,
Please do me a favor and remove the blight!"
"Here reposes a dude who tried to rob a lady teller,
But she was a keener shot than this unlucky feller!"
"Here sleeps ace pilot Captain Cletus Cole;
His wings were clipped attempting a barrel roll!"
"Here reclines butcher Clyde who cheated on his wife.
Unknown to him she was also adept at wielding a butcher knife!"
"Here lies Hank his mortal shell riddled with lead.
He was nabbed rustlin' steers and the sheriff shot him dead!"
"Here is deposited the corpus of Eddie a top-notch baker.
He is now serving assorted donuts to his beloved Maker!"
"Please relay your regards as by this way you pass,
But for heavens sake, keep off the cottin' pickin' grass!"
"On a banana peel the dear departed slipped and fell.
We pray he landed in paradise and not in hell!"
"He didn't know his Volkswagen had all that power.
He met his doom head-on doing 90 miles per hour!"
"Fer nigh on 40 years old Hank rode this earthly range;
Now he rides in that final roundup on that heavenly grange!"
"Gambler Jim has left very few friends behind to grieve;
He was caught with a couple of aces up his sleeve!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2015 All Rights Reserved
We're Bo and Luke Duke and we fight crime.
When criminals tangle with us, they do hard time.
Uncle Jesse gets his fat carcass stuck every time he gets in the General Lee.
When we tell him that he's getting too fat, he puts us over his knee.
It's really embarrassing when grown men get spanked.
Our asses are still stinging because of Jesse's hand and he sure doesn't get thanked.
We have to run from Enos, Rosco and Cletus.
Most people shoot at us when they meet us.
We're good ol' country boys, we do nothing unlawful.
But the fuzz keeps chasing us anyway, isn't that awful?
Whenever Luke and I get arrested, Uncle Jesse has to use the mortage payment for bail.
Maybe we're not such good crime fighters because we can't even send Boss Hogg to jail.
(This poem was inspired by The Dukes of Hazzard TV show.)
Alas, hordes of ravenous relatives from very far and even near,
Won't be celebratin' at dear old Grandma's bountiful board this year,
Since the corona virus pandemic has spread an ominous cloud of doom.
But hold on! Perhaps you can celebrate via the miracle of Zoom!
You can enjoy from afar your green bean casserole and punkin pie,
Not havin' to tolerate obnoxioius Uncle Clyde sloppin' gravy on his tie!
Clickin' a button will mute Grandpa's interminable prayer of grace,
And spinster Aunt Alice's spewin' inane babble at a furious pace!
The mute button will silence any brawls about politics and religion,
And silence cousin Cletus crowin' about his thrivin' stocks a smidgen!
It won't be the same savorin' pleasant aromas from Grandma's kitchen,
But won't the mute come in handy to silence all the bickerin' and bit..... in'!
(The censors at Soup scrubbed the last word in the last line but I think you get the point!!!)