Long Cletus Poems

These two old geezers have definitely worn out their welcome with Betty-Joe -


“NO, IT DOESN’T!” 
“YES, IT DOES!” 
“NO, IT DOESN’T!” 
“YES, IT DOES!”       The two old geezers argued...

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When was the last time that someone you met…that was younger than seven or eight…
Told you their name…you repeated it right…and even knew how it was spelled?
I’ve gotta tell ya’…but can’t tell ya’ why, that…close...

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The undertaker at Butcher's Funeral Parlor received the dreadful call.
Seems old Senator Cheatum keeled over and succumbed at the local mall!
His untimely demise spurred the undertaker to set a series of events in motion,
To ensure...

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"Howdy to you all from Colorado!  This is Cletus Schlunk reporting,
Where gossip is fair and balanced and there is little or no distorting!
It's the home of the Rockies, Broncos, Nuggets and potholes galore,
And old...

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Mr. Butcher, the undertaker, did a capital job of laying old Cheatum out,
Though he had to cram him in the casket since the senator was rather stout!
During the viewing, folks marveled at Mortician Butcher's cosmetic...

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If you're lookin' fer home cooked fixin's, stop by Flo's Café and Deli!
Her meatloaf, smashed pertaters and cherry pie will delight yer belly!
She's located catty-cornered across the street from Buford's Hardware Store.
Flo's been caterin' to...

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I was strolling through Evergreen Cemetery the other day,
Glancing at epitaphs etched upon various stones along the way.
Some flowing verse was out of this world but I can only assume,
That the authors were forthcoming in...

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May tranquility reign and grace your Thanksgiving board this year,
As you thank the Good Lord for all the blessings you hold dear!

I pray that it will be a time of good cheer and not a...

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I took a stroll through Boot Hill Cemetery the other day,
To take a look at where outlaws and other rabble lay.
Some graves were marked by stones, others by weathered board;
Many covered with cairns of rock,...

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Cletus considered himself an expert angler, handy with reel and rod.
He'd landed ever'thing from wily rainbow trout to North Atlantic cod.
He'd fished the streams, rivers and lakes from sea to shinin' sea,
But he met his...

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Cecil the Magician knew a heap of tricks,
But, alas, couldn't get himself out of this fix!

Carl was laid to rest for his eternal snooze,
Brought about by guzzling too much booze!

Pete was a rock-hard liberal Democrat.
Lord,...

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I strolled through the local cemetery the other day
And here are some epitaphs I observed along the way:

Cletus O'Toole lies herein
Too much boozing done him in!

Here lies a gambler molding in his crypt
Odds are he...

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Alas, hordes of ravenous relatives from very far and even near,

Won't be celebratin' at dear old Grandma's bountiful board this year,

Since the corona virus pandemic has spread an ominous cloud of doom.

But hold on! ...

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Lecherous Luther was wont to grope
He ceased to function at the end of a rope!

Here lies Cletus as stiff as a board
He slipped on the ice and busted his gourd!

Here rests our dear Ruby who...

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We're Bo and Luke Duke and we fight crime.
When criminals tangle with us, they do hard time.
Uncle Jesse gets his fat carcass stuck every time he gets in the General Lee.
When we tell him that...

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Cletus O'Toole by a suspicious game warden was approached,
To discuss the demise of a moose he was suspected of havin' poached.
Fer huntin' out of season and havin' no permit he was in a serious bind;
Fer...

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