Best Cletus Poems

Since toilet tissue is so hard to find

   He bought a bidet to cleanse his behind

      With the very first flush

         Cletus scalded his tush

     ...

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Cletus O'Toole spent some time in Reno

  Where he lost his shirt playin' at keno

    This caused a great deal of strife

      With his long-sufferin' wife

        She raged on...

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There was once a sot named Cletus O'Toole

   Renowned 'bout town as a well-rounded fool

      Saturday nights without fail

         He was remanded to jail

      ...

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Most folks attend church to worship and praise the Lord as a general rule,

But this is not necessarily the case for God-fearing Deacon Cletus O'Toole.

He religiously goes to church every Sunday to take a nap (such is his nerve!),

And partake of potluck suppers and to...

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Cletus O'Toole in a moment of greed

   'Borrowed' the judge's magnificent steed

      To steal a horse not his'n

         He spent six months in prison

      ...

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Cletus joined the Navy on a fool whim

   And was told he needed to learn to swim

      He was launched off the dock

         And he sank like a rock

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Cletus O'Toole checked in all set to fly

   Mistletoe o'er the bag scale caught his eye

      He asked, "Can I have my kiss?"

         "No!" replied the little miss

  ...

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Cletus O'Toole slipped on a 'nana peel

   He broke his femur and damaged his heel

      He asked a judge to rule

         "You lost yer suit, O'Toole;

    ...

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He quaffed a six-pack of Corona Beers

   Ending up with the worst headache in years

      Perhaps to lessen his plight

         He should've had a Bud Lite

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Though many times Cletus O'Toole was somewhat uncouth,
He could always be relied upon to tell the truth.

No better legacy to his progeny could he bequeath,
Than that of, "Truer words were never spoken thru falser teeth!"...

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Cletus O'Toole had always yearned to fly

   He joined the Air Force to give it a try

      He tried a daring chandelle

         It didn't go all that well

  ...

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Cletus O'Toole tested the slopes at Vail

   He met some trees as he sped t'ward the vale

      'Twas a short-lived journey

         Sprawling on a gurney

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Cletus O'Toole was a hopeless recruit

   Cletus cared for the army not one hoot

      He was the sergeants bane

         And deemed their rules inane

      ...

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Cletus O'Toole asked the lady, perchance

   If she would like to join him for a dance

      He trampled her toes

         And rumpled her clothes

      ...

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Pilot Cletus O'Toole climbed in his plane and sailed for the blue!

  'Twas their wedding anniversary for him and his wife Mary Sue.

He intended to write in the sky, "MARY SUE I LOVE YOU!"

   Things went well 'til mischievous winds shifted and...

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